Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you! Well, it’s Christmas in July–”the end” (other than the plethora of reunion episodes) of Season 6. Let’s creep down the stairs and see what goodies Miss Andy and the Bravo Elves left for us in our Louboutins!
We open at Sonja’s shack of horrors, where Sonja is enjoying a nice Karma Breakfast of a badly bruised ego and ankle from the night before. #letgomyego! Tyler and Pickles are playing intern-nursemaids to Lady Morgan – making sure that her precious gam is properly lifted onto her bed while donning their “concerned” intern faces.
Yes, your eyes look really bad Sonja. “They” look like Aviva’s prosthetic leg on a table. FORESHADOWING ALERT!
As Intern Tyler, is icing Sonja’s swollen ankle; Sonja complains “This is the kind of towels I have left? We don’t have any budget for new dish towels?” Seriously Bitch? You’re complaining about the aesthetics of the towels that the ice pack is wrapped in? Argh, and any sympathy I had for Sonja is flushed down MY operational toilet. Speaking of flow, can someone PLEASE explain to Sonja how money works. Please?
Kristen and Ramona come over to Sonja’s to get the scoop on the night before. Ramona, being too distraught to speak, asks Intern Tyler to tell the gals what he overheard at Carole’s bday party. Tyler tells them that he witnessed Countess Lu and Dubin leaving together in a cab. I guess I’m not used to Tyler ever getting a word in edgewise, because I never noticed that he sounds like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Hysterical and Creepy!
Dubin got into a cab with Lu. Right, Not- Millou? Now, put the lotion in the basket, Sonja!
Random Side Note: I never realized the same actor that played Buffalo Bill was the Captain on Monk. Good acting, Mr. Character guy that I’m too lazy to further Google!
Sonja says she ran after Harry in her fishtail dress. She then twisted her ankle and skinned her elbow, but the worst damage of all is that Harry normally rings her each morning and it’s 1PM and she hasn’t heard a peep from him. Insert suspenseful soap opera music here. Ramona and Kristen comfort Sonja.
Awww look, Sonja and Ramona have the matching Kay Jeweler’s “Infidelity set” of Diamond rings. Every Kiss (off) begins with Kay!™
Ramona get’s pissed off that Countess Lu would betray Sonja like this and yells:
“FUCK HER!” (It looks like her Berkshire roots are showing)
Ramona then says that “Lu’s not a girl’s girl,” which as we all know is the worst thing you can call someone on a reality show other than “Bossy” and a “bad hostess.” I hope the Countess rips these harpies a matching set of new ones at the reunion for what they said about her this scene. Sonja tries to make herself feel better by saying “When I walk in the street right now, my shoulder’s are back, my aura’s so high. I am attracting so many men right now. Harry’s not getting the girl.”
Rainbow Bright has a hotter aura, Sonja. And she’s closer to Harry’s ideal age.
Oh Sonja, I’d feel some sympathy for you if you weren’t such an evil twatwaffle all season, but right now I can only give you this:
Next scene: Kristen’s Douche of a husband is having a business meeting out of their apartment. So, after counseling, he has learned to work from home. Baby steps – I guess? In a very obviously staged-by-Bravo scene, Josh let’s Kristen know they’re about to start “casting.” Kristen proving she’ll never be a good actress, innocently asks:
“What are you casting for?” P.S. Have you noticed that Josh is always wearing EBOOST and how it’s placed all over their house. Marketing, people. Marketing.
He’s casting the new Roman Polanski film, Kristen. What the fuck do you think he’s casting for? We all know it’s the new Eboost campaign and we all know you’ll both pretend they’ll be looking at other younger models. This scene is almost as boring as all things Lizzie.
Yes, I know I’m mixing my housewives tonight, but I’m feeling dangerous and heady that this is the last “official” episode of this season. I promise not to leave my house and operate heavy machinery with all my drunken housewifery.
Oh great, we’re back with Sonja’s dilapidated storyline already? Fuck. Sonja is scooting down the stairs on her butt like a two year old. I think it’s funny until I see this title card:
You really went ahead and bought this dog with Harry you stupid Minge? Va te faire voir!
God, this pisses me off.
Anyhoo, Sonja has decided she needs to throw a party for “Team Sonja” to give back. Sonja wants to celebrate “everyone whose helped me get to where I am.” Where exactly are you Sonja? Owing banks millions of dollars? In a dilapidated brownstone with no hot water? In a fuck buddy relationship? Most people would sue those involved in getting you there, but you decide to throw a party. Yay? So…….. “Team Sonja” will be forced to plan their own party. If Team Sonja plans a party in the woods, who will open the nonexistent doors?
Pickles deserves her own Screen grab. And party. Love you, Pickles!
Countess Lu comes over, because Sonja wanted to discuss the whole #taxigate. Lu tells Sonja that “Harry jumped in the car with me…and the question for you is why would Harry leave you at the party?” PREACH, LU! Sonja then asks Lu if she slept with Harry and the Countess says “I am tired of you constantly throwing me under the bus, insinuating things like this. This is not a friend. Don’t point your dagger at me because you’re pointing it in the wrong direction.” I now sound like an audience member from Night At The Apollo since I’m hooting so loudly for Countess Lu. Where was this version of the Countess all the previous seasons?!? I LOVE HER!
Moving on up to the East Side: Heather meets Carole for some handbag shopping. Heather likes this line of handbags because they donate proceeds to children’s charities. That’s all I need to hear to throw up their link:
If anyone is feeling especially philanthropic, I think I’m in desperate need of the Ornella in black. So pretty. Anyway, Carole asks how Heather’s son, Jax is doing. Heather and Mrs. Heather went for a second opinion on Jax and it looks the surgery won’t reverse the hearing loss. So sad. I’m sending Jax good Juju-he’s a cute kid.
I can’t deal with any human-like emotions, so let’s speed along. Kristen is in the makeup chair because…guess what…she got the EBOOST campaign! Shocking, right? The creepy french photographer tells Kristen to think “orgasmic.” This is the winning shot:
Egads, I want to bleach my soul because I’m envisioning, Kristin envisioning having sex with her gross husband–or Elvis. Shudder. Thanks to this ad campaign I can say with certainty that I will continue to buy the wonderful 5 hour energy or even a half empty coke can found in the recycling bin for my energy needs!
All board the energy train to the next scene..choo choo!
Sonja meets Dubin at a restaurant to scold him. I’d say to break up with him, but I don’t think she can break up with someone who is just Mr. friends with benefits. Sonja lays into Harry for getting in the cab with Lu. Harry says “Nothing happened that night. I mean it sounds good. I wish it did–It didn’t. Hahahaha. Harry apologizes and says “this is nothing to end a 25 year relationship over.” Sonja says “I’m ending the concept of you ever committing to me” and gives the ring back. She ends the scene by saying “I am ready for commitment and probably have a good 10, 20 years of marriage ahead of me, and if that doesn’t work after that we’ll see each other.” Oh, Sonja, you poor deluded, optimist you- I give you two good years of marriage tops. Harry looks confused and perhaps a little genuinely sad?
Maybe you can give Kristen some acting lessons, Dubin?
Next scene: we go to Carole’s “Juujed up” remodeled apartment. I might starts an online campaign for Carole to adopt me. AH.MAZ.ING! She turned her kitchen into an office like she said she was going to- a woman after my own “I only do reservations” heart.
The “Before” was pretty great too.
“After” is Pinterest Porn.
Is anyone else drooling over this pimped -out ceiling?
You have killer taste, Carole- I doff my imaginary chapeau to you. Carole whips out a hard copy of her book and I’m having problems concentrating on the conversation as I’m just looking at the new details of her apartment. Sonja texted Carole that Aviva will be attending the “Team Sonja” party. The gals wonder (as do we all) why Sonja is such good friends with Aviva. As the conversation about Aviva continues, Kristen gets more and more worked up and says “give me two glasses of Ramona and I’m going to go up there and go all raaaarararrrar”
Kristen’s audition for “Challenged Zombie” On The Walking Dead.
Guys, can you tell I’m drunk with exhaustion and exhilaration that we’ve made it to the finale? Only a few minutes more-stay with me.
I must be drunk, because in the “cute scene” of this episode, Ramona and Carole are dining out on fish tacos and Ramona says that she dated Fabio and then Carole starts talking about Blow Jobs. So. Close. To the. End. Must, Make. It. Through.
We are FINALLY at the Team Sonja party at Le Cirque! C’est freak le chic!
Why do “Fashion Guru’s” always look like such asshats?
Exhibit B through z.
Anyway, it’s wonderfully symbolic that Sonja is having this party at Le Cirque, because the only thing this “Team Sonja” party is missing is abused elephants. All the guest and ladies show up, and of course, Sonja is no where to be seen; then like a true diva, she shows up an hour late, but instead of greeting her guests, she clinks a wine glass to get everyone’s attention. Just as she is about to launch into what looks like a lengthy speech, Ramona (rightfully) says “Sonja aren’t you going to come say hello to us? We were here for like an hour waiting for you – don’t you think you should come over to see your good friends first?”
Sonja ignores her BFF and says to Intern Tyler “Oh, these bitches, Give ‘em a Motrin.” Wait. WTF? Sonja launches into a very long speech that begins with “Tonight we are celebrating you, because you are all apart of me. And I am you” Do be do be dooo.
Heather’s face speaks my mind.
Aviva is in the room, but avoids the girl throughout Sonja’s crazy rambling speech. After the speech, Aviva asks Sonja if the gals are all still mad at her and Sonja says “You see how Ramona yells at me when I don’t come and say hi before my speech. They steamroll you. They’re emotional vampires.” Yes Sonja, it’s so awful of your friends to want to say “hi!” to you at your party. Shame on them!
Ramona gets Aviva and brings her over to the rest of the girls so they can all talk. Aviva asks the ladies to sit down at what appears to be the only baguette table in the room. That doesn’t look suspicious at all. Heather starts off calmly “i think they’re are much bigger issues you’re not facing.” Kristen, ready for a fight, says “There’s got to be deeper issues than just asthma.” Carole says that you didn’t go on this trip because of asthma and no one really believes you have asthma.
Aviva says “I understand your position, because in fact, I’ve been lied to; my doctor lied to me. My doctor told me I had asthma so severely that I couldn’t go to Montana.
Everyone exchanges confused glances and then some of the gals get excited for a second, really wanting to hear why Aviva’s doctor would lie to her. I must admit, I actually believed it for a split second – I mean why would someone lie about something so weird, right? Then Aviva brings out an X-ray of her chest and starts screeching
THIS IS NOT MY CHEST. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY DOCTOR FORGED HIS NAME ON MY XRAY?
Aviva should go into Children’s wings and do a Patch Adams routine – “This is not an X-ray of Cancer on your lungs. Honk. Honk.”
After Aviva’s little comedy routine, she turns to Carole and says, the only reason that people who are close to you are trying to peg me as a liar is because it’s the only way around the fact that I’ve heard things about your writing.
And thus we come full circle on this season as Aviva revisits #bookgate2014.
#Bookgate 2014. Never forget.
Heather, Lu and Carole get up from the table since they’re done with Aviva’s nonsense.
As the ladies are talking about how crazy Aviva is – did anyone else notice Dubin in the background hugging a member of Team Sonja?
Just as Carole and Lu are eyeing the exit, Aviva begs them to come back and sit at the table. When she gets all the women back to the table, Aviva says “I find it very very very hurtful that you don’t believe that I have asthma. Take them home. Look at them…” and then she flings a bunch of files in Heather’s lap. Could someone please drop a piano on her already? Sheesh.
Also, who brings medical records and x-rays to a party?
Heather is as done with Aviva as I am “Don’t you understand this is a tiny BS piece of your problem? I would like to go home tonight and this is not worth my time (amen, Heather). You say that you’ve never lied to any of us at the table, and you find us really hurtful? I find that laughable.”
And….wait for …it….we are close…
Aviva says the only thing that is artificial or fake about me is this.
The Money shot! POUNDS LEG ON TABLE!
Aviva, there’s one other thing that’s fake about you – this whole God Damn performance. Even the “dull tool in the shed” model called it out in her blog this week. “Aviva walks in with the biggest bag I have ever seen. Aviva insisted that we all sit down. Fishy. Hmmmm. . .Watching this we really had no idea what was going on, but if you watch it back you can see the signs. She wanted us all to sit around that particular table that had a long tablecloth and when Carole and Heather got up and walked away she insisted that they come back and sit down? So weird. Normally one of us would have walked off and left. I am convinced she had this planned out for sometime. It just felt way too orchestrated.”
Then to punctuate the scene, Aviva flings the leg at Heather and says “Why don’t you take it. I’ll crawl home.” I wonder if this is a little glimpse of what Holidays at the Dreschers is like. “But, Mom, I asked you to pass the candied yams, not you leg again!”