Episode 2 already?! This season is just flying by! Don’t get us started on how fast time goes, just a few AR seasons ago our daughter, Lil’ C, used to be a tiny baby but now she’s a three-foot tall toddler! The first time she shoved an infant down the slide I thought, “where does the time go?!” Berry is getting misty just thinking about how Episode 1 is already over.
Team “Save our Bopper” AKA Kentucky are rearin’ to get racin’. Do you think they (Barfer and Mallory) have to sleep in the same bed? We assume Bopper and Barfer would have slept together so the AR producers must have already booked the hotel rooms with one queen bed. That must be hard to change.
Phil strides onto screen and into my heart. “Guangzhou, China is known as the world’s factory.” That’s a nice way of saying riddled with sweat shops, right? Brokeback leaves first and they are making their way to the Chen Clan Academy and getting their next clue from the master. They talk about having the Express Pass, who will they give it to?!?!?! The question on everyones’ minds!!! They try to communicate with a Chinese man who doesn’t speak any English and they interpret what he says into, “it will take 15 minutes on foot” instead of, “fifty minutes by cab.” So off they run, presumably in the right direction.
“Rachel come back! You’re not microchipped!!”
Brenchel is released second and Rachel just bolts into the woods! Where is she going? Why does she think it’s in the woods or that she could get a cab in the bushes? It’s weird. Brendon is like, “Where are you going?” But she just keeps running it looks like the screen if someone sat on the controller while playing Grand Theft Auto. In their testimonial Brenchel says how they really nailed the first leg because they were in sync, because they had no emotions. They’ve figured this whole marriage thing out pretty quickly!
ASL leaves next after they kiss each other on the mouth. I wonder what mouth kissing your mother means in sign language? Luke’s still wearing a crop top hoodie thingy. They get in a cab and immediately start fighting. Maybe that kiss was more of a The Godfather type of kiss. Next out is Team Remission they take the subway. Cut back to Brokeback assuming they understand Chinese and continue running somewhere. Afghanamals and Kentucky leave together, then Globetrotters, and YouTube.
Brenchel gets to the Chen Clan Academy first. The Chen Clan Master stamps their face which tells them their next location. They cannot figure out how they’ll tell the cab driver where to go. Pointing to their foreheads do not seem like an option. I mean, we all know it’s a widely known fact that Chinese taxi cab drivers can’t read Chinese. At some point Broseph and CMT leave too. CMT Caroline says how she’s been looking forward to meeting a spiritual master, she goes on to say how their team is flirty with everyone. Even themselves. So they definitely share a hotel bed.
Possibly single and ready to flirt!
Remission slides ahead of the pack and arrives at the Chinese version of FAO Schwartz, it’s crawling with children playing with toys and some are dressed as policemen. In this Roadblock one of the team mates has to assemble an automated toy car. Dad Remission is going to do it, he brags about how he’s assembled hundreds of these for his kids and grandkids on Christmas Eves past. The other teams start flooding in. Brenchel gets there, Brendon dives into the task which makes Rachel blush because she thinks he’s going to be such a good daddy. Hey Brendon, when you find out Rachel’s packing baby Brenchel you should buy “Berry’s Guide To Daddying.” Pre-order so he has enough time to finish it and print it in time for the birth. It’s an in-depth 23 pages (so far) that will change the way the way you look at sticking crayons up your nose.
The Afghanamals arrive and they are way way too excited to be around all of these children. Creepily excited. “Our dreams came true.” “Party with kids!” “Where the kids at?!” That awkward moment when you come across like a total perv. Broseph is pretty lax about who is going to do the task. The clue says, “Who is the mechanic?” And they’re like, “Uh, sure?” “Is it me?” “Whatever dude.” Boy Broseph got stuck with it. Oy Vey moment…here we come! All the teams are gossiping about where Brokeback could be. The most adorable Chinese girl ever is harassing Flight Time. It’s adorably obnoxious. Too bad Lil’ C couldn’t be there! She’d really put a cog in someone’s wheel, literally!
Kentucky slang is super confusing.
Brokeback enters and everyone is like, “OMAR COMIN!” Barfer seems to be whizzing through the challenge. He is done first!! And away Team Kentucky goes! Mallory CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW! They are on their way to a children’s center to drop off their car. ASL finishes second.
“NOTHING CAN GO WRONG NOW!”
Let the Emmy Award winning drama begin!
In all the hubbub of getting a cab and loading the toy car in the trunk Mallory forgets Barfer’s backpack on the ground! Now it’s only a matter of time before they realize what’s happened and unravel.
CMT is reading the clue, “Who is the mechanic?” “You are.” “I hate putting stuff together.” “You said you love putting stuff together!” “Are you sure I said that?” Jennifer just flirted Caroline into doing the task! Dang! Now I’m afraid to listen to their album, it might sound flirty and bubbly but what if it Manchurian Candidate-style brainwashes me into being their fans or building toy cars for them?! Now she’s flirting with Brokeback Cord to get the Express Pass! She uses her flirty mind tricks on him and she gets it!!! Wow, she got skillz. Brokeback and CMT are both outtie. Brokeback having finished the task and CMT immediately using the Express Pass.
“What, no foreplay? Never mind I already have a boner.”
Kentucky and ASL deliver their cars and it’s time for a Detour. Featherball or China Cup? In Featherball, teams have to play hacky sack with a shuttlecock (wow, that sounds homoerotic) and pass the shuttlecock ten times without dropping it or they must start over again. In China Cup they have to get a burned by a glass that just got blown with a blow torch! Yikes! Phil says it’s a “traditional Chinese remedy” but Berry thinks he meant to say “full on torture.”
“Just hangin’ out while you get your ass burnt, NBD.”
ASL picks Featherball. Kentucky fights FOREVER about going back for that backpack. Barfer wants to get his backpack because his medicine is in it. Mallory says, “what medicine do you need?!” He needs his carsickness medicine. Ah-ha! So that’s why he hasn’t barfed yet! He’s medicated! He wins the argument and they go back for his stuff.
Get backpack to where you once belong.
Now we’re starting to remember how obnoxious ASL is. They’re really complaining a lot and whining at each other. Remission is doing Featherball even though they’ve never played soccer. Big Easy is not digging the size of the Chinese cabs, “Every time I get out of the taxi it’s like I’m coming out of a birth canal or something.” Oh my word, can you imagine his poor mother! Oh I hope she can walk after birthing him.
YouTube and Broseph are in last place still working on their cars. YouTube Meghan figures it out but takes pity on Boy Broseph so she goes over and helps him. We see a flashback of their first season where they were allies. Oh yeah! They were and we hated both of them! This time around they seem more pathetic so Berry and I take sympathy upon them, for now…