Tvgasm | TrashTalkTV

Tag: tvgasm

Big Brother: Zankie, Beauty and the BeastModeCowboy

Hey Fruit Loop Dinguses (Dingi?).  It’s Veto Night.  We left off with Christine and Nicole saving themselves in the Battle of the Block causing Zach to almost get hit with a cake.  Jacosta was promising to bring the old Jacosta out this week, who hopefully doesn’t suck.  (Well, we know she sucked, but that’s a different story.)  And we all tried to forget about #Zankie.

Just in case some of CBS’ usual Alzheimer’s viewers are still around, we start with Zankie.  They’re happy about the week so far and Frankie plans on picking Zach or Donny for the veto as they’d both use it.  This all takes place as Zach preps for a shower, which Frankie will join later.  These two need to just fuck already.

Shower BeerDrinking in the shower?  I need to step my alcoholism up.

Downstairs, Victoria is crying because she lost.  It’s because Jacosta went into the competition with negativity and it’s all Ms. Bowtie’s fault.  Yeah the lady who believes in Jesus, giving prayer pep talks (incoherent as they may be, but what isn’t in this house) and who tried to get you to use common sense in the competition lost it for you.  I’m starting to understand why Victoria thinks she’s so attractive.  They just whatever at each other until Jacosta can’t even hold a fake smile anymore.

Fake Smile Ah, fuck it. I’ll say an Our Father after nap time.

Zach is up to more antics, or on some new drug Antix.  It’s live Adderall but for douchebags.  He plans on eating beef jerky and Starburst in front of Christine and Nicole who are Have Nots.  Christine just kinda ignores him and laughs, while Nicole is unamused.  He calls them lazy and just causes them to disperse.  Frankie now must entertain the idea of evicting Zach if the House wills it.  Because Frankie is nothing if people don’t like him. He’s like the monsters from Monsters Inc. but instead of children’s screams he needs attention.  And he only has three grandparents left.

Frankie not wanting to lose his pet heterosexual, asks him to tone it down for the week.  He teaches him to “lay down”, “be quiet”, and something to do with peanut butter that I missed.  As a reward, he can go off at the Veto Ceremony and piss people off again.  Because although Frankie loves his new friend, he loves $5,000 more.  His sister’s show got cancelled so he can’t expect as many handouts.

Next up, Nicole is stripping out of her germitard.  For those missing out on the visuals, it’s okay she knows her striptease moves as well as she knows her words.  In that she doesn’t know them at all.

StripteaseA. If you have to sit down to take off work boots, stripping may have been a bad decision.
B. The only excuse for sleeping with a pedicab driver is if that sausage is semi-proportional.
C. All it takes is to see a striptease and Amber gets reflexes to the time when she wasn’t completing her biggest accomplishment.

After a game of pool, Hayden pulls Victoria aside to talk POV.  He thinks if he saves her, she could be a vote in his favor along with Christine and Nicole.  But the way they are huddled together Nicole thinks they are making out.  Seriously, how is she getting jealous around a guy who looks and smells like Phillip Seymour Hoffman TODAY.  They both agree to work towards saving her.  Later, after Nicole proclaims her hatred towards hot tubs (does CBS find it’s contestants in the world’s discard pile?) she asks Hayden if he made out with Victoria.  He says yes and starts messing with Nicole.

On a more somber note, Derrick’s grandfather passed away.  It’s because of all those death panels Obama instituted.  Thanks Obama.

Now, I know I’m in the minority (especially around here) in that I like Derrick.  But you have to admit, unlike Frankie he goes off to the corner to be by himself, takes a moment and comes back.  Which I find to be more respectful.  He lets everybody else know but doesn’t make a big scene out of it.

Pages: 1 23

RHONY RECAP: RECAP OF A RECAP, PART ONE.

Hi, you fabulous TrashTalkers, you!  We’ve made it to the reunion…wooo hooo! I’ve never recapped a reunion, so this will probably feel a little like staring at a Droste effect.

 

letterman

Droste Effect with one of my favorite human beings.

The girls all look fabulous, as usual. Here’s a link if you’d like to know what they’re all wearing:

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-york-city/season-6/videos/what-are-the-rhony-wives-wearing

I would channel my inner-Joan Rivers and dissect all their evening wear, but since I own a pair of hideous purple crocs (and actually wear them out of the house) I don’t think I have a leg to stand on. Awful pun intended.

While I was anticipating the reunion, I watched all the “Backstage” at the reunion video clips that Miss Andy parceled out this week. The excitement and anticipation of the evening felt like they were backstage at the opening night of a Broadway show. Then I find out that the reunion is being taped at the gorgeous Hammerstein Theatre in Midtown Manhattan. I suddenly hope  Aviva says the name of the ‘Scottish play’ out loud and/or whistles.

What’s new with the gals? Carole is now blonde.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 7.57.01 AM

“I went back to my natural color, hmm.”

Kristen has new tits that her husband bought as an anniversary present.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 8.01.24 AM

Keep, it classy, #teamtaekman!

Andy discusses the opening tag lines and asks Carole to show her “great ass” since (as you all know) that was her TL. I only mention this because in one of the pre-show clips I watched Carole tell Andy she was wearing a bra and she makes a joke that if she storms out of the reunion she’ll have to storm off sideways so her bra strap won’t show.  And this is why I love and hate (and sometimes love to hate) Miss Andy Cohen – if you tell him an embarrassing secret (or a tidbit you don’t want others to know) the whole world will know faster than Ramona’s next hot flash.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 8.05.45 AM

Your bra strap is showing. And you have a great ass.

Okay. I’m realizing this reunion is actually 98 percent overlapped exchanges–which makes recapping this episode like herding greased kittens hopped up on Adderall. So I’m going to bullet point my favorite moments from here on out. I’m going to bullet point the hell out of this recap until we all wish they are real bullets. Bullet madness.Weeeeeeeeeee.

  • Ramona never actually dated Fabio – he asked her out at the gym. Ramona, however has dated the Brian Williams look-a-like that Carole went on that one date with.
  • If Countess Lu “didn’t love drag queens so much she would be offended” by the nickname “Luman.” Ramona apparently thought the countess Lu was a drag queen when she first saw her.
  •  Aviva tells Kristen “As a Rookie, no offense, we normally don’t have confrontations when we’re doing children scenes” when discussing the episode where Aviva told her to STFU in front of their kids. They go round and around fighting about this incident until Kristen ends this exchange with a “Why don’t you stfu?” Well played, Rookie.
  • Aviva says to Heather “I thought you’re reaction to Kristen was very impressive. You didn’t get all defensive and I thought it was a very graceful moment “about Kristen and Heather’s fight in Montana. Heather says “I wish I could take the compliment from you, but I think it’s backhanded, because I think you’re only setting yourself up to rip Carole down later about the book.” Bwahahahhahah.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 9.10.16 AM

BURN! 

  • Ramona pulls out a prop plastic glass like she’s in a courtroom while discussing #canoegate2014. There is an argument over semantics whether the wine glass was plastic or glass. Ramona finally calls it a “plastic wine shaped glass.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 9.19.08 AM

  • The expressions of the ladies while watching the annual Bravo sex mashup.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 9.27.33 AM

See? More Droste. PS. I’d pay Bravo another 1.99 to NOT see Aviva’s wallpaper (or Aviva) ever again.

  • Aviva says “Carole and Russ had an open relationship.” The gals react first with

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 9.44.21 AM

Disbelief.

then..

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 9.42.20 AM

Laughter.

  • Andy brings up the disgusting thing Aviva’s dad, George, said he would do to Ramona’s corpse. Arrgghghgh, Vomit. Ramona (and the rest of the America) gives Andy the

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 9.49.20 AM

“Don’t speak!” hand sign.

  • Aviva says she can’t disclose her “word on the street” sources, like she is a character, right out of  “All The President’s Men.”

Screen-Shot-2014-03-24-at-8.25.52-PM

R.I.P Word on The Street.

  • Aviva informs everyone that the Doctor who treats her for Asthma is none other than Miss Andy’s Doc. Andy then whips out his inhaler and takes a puff.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 10.23.03 AM

The puppet master showing us how he got his start.

  • In the cutesie cutaway of the evening, Ramona admonishes the Bravo production crew “Why don’t we all have water behind us? I have a parched mouth and that’s usually the first set up thing here.” You know she would call them “bad hosts” if they weren’t the ones paying her.

 

  • Carole’s reaction to Sonja saying she took her modeling money and flipped houses when she was younger.

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 10.41.07 AM

  • Countess Lu’s reaction to Miss Andy saying to Sonja: “There seems to be a crazy juxtaposition between you saying you’re a really pretty private person and what you do put out there.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 10.41.52 AM

“Yeah, bipolar.”  HA!

  • Sonja says “I have many more than 40 employees” to Heather. Heather, says “the only staff I’ve ever seen you have are interns.” Sonja goes on to say  “My paid professionals are Harvard and Yale lawyers, or my Trustees or my Judge or the people who run my houses.” The countess says to Sonja “these are not the your employees, Sonja.” Sonja says “I pay these professionals. You are not a professional. You are NOT a lifestyle expert.” When Andy questions Sonja as to what makes her a lifestyle expert, she responds “buying houses and selling them.” Andy says that’s a “House flipper” and the countess says “I think she’s flipping out” a moment later.
  • More delusion from Sonja:

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 11.08.08 AM

“People pay me Tens of Thousands of dollars for branding advice.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-30 at 11.08.23 AM

“P. Diddy comes on my Yacht as a guest.”

  • The Countess says the show has changed Sonja and then Bravo shows a clip of a clip of Sonya from season one being some what normal. I’d almost feel sorry for Sonja if she weren’t such a mean, twat-waffle to the Countess this whole season.

 

I should just transcribe the monologues of the crazy woman that yells at trees while she goes through our recycling bins- Sonja is absolutely crazy.  I want to stand up and scream at my TV out of frustration but I’m too Sonja’ed-out from recapping her to stand up. So I’ll have Kristen do it for me…

rhony-621-11

“You’re delusional!”

Thus ends today’s bulleted speed-recap of a recap.

Do you think we will ever see anything truthful from Sonja or Aviva? Does anyone else suddenly want to become Besties with the Countess?!? Next week we get to see Ramona avoid questions about her husband cheating and more #bookgate2014. I think we have too two more reunion episodes…almost there, lovelies!

With Much Philly Love,

Hepburn

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!

Do you love reading the comments on these recaps as much as we do? Go over to our Commentgasm page to nominate for your favorite comment of the week!

Masterchef Recap: Forget the slicey, limb crunching, screaming death – think romance.

Heya Trashies!

A day late as I’m in Bath (the spa-town, not actually in a bath. Although I’d like to assure you I do use a bath sometimes.) I’m technically on holiday from work, although really its time off booked so I can go do my Cog Psych experiment for my final year, and getting past all the academic nets fluff to get to the internet proper was a challenge. I’d take a picture of the miserable little cupboard masquerading as a room that I’m staying in, but I’ve already spread my dirty clothes all over the floor and no one needs to see that.

Anyhoo, renta-gob Elizabeth treats us to an insight into her week. She misses her family. Which is sweet, but I don’t give a crap. I miss Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I’m not allowed to go on about it every week. Apparently she misses cooking for her husband too. Feeding him? Dressing him?

wifey

I think her husband lives in a box and is called Timmy the Ventriloquists dummy

Its a team challenge! On the cheap in the studio! Yayy! They’re using the world-famous (but rarely actually used) Masterchef restaurant. Allegedly its as beautiful as any restaurant in America.

resteraunt

If he meant a Post-Apocalytptic Parrallel America, sure maybe.

I mean, those chairs are out of a 1970s lounge. The carpet is a refugee from ‘the Prisoner’, and the windows remind me of the ship Moya on Farscape. So, apart from the furniture and the décor, its lovely.

I think I’m feeling less tolerant than usual this week Possibly I’m still feeling sheepish over being such an ass to Ronnie over the Dr Who imbroglio last week. Second reason might be I’m stuck in one of the most beautiful towns in England in glorious summer weather with a cold so bad I can shuffle from my bed to my experiment and back only. Finally, that after I finally cleaned out many many boxes and bags worth of garbage and assorted junk to make my study super-clean and nice, the people sitting my cats have told me the furry little bastards have rage pooped all over that room. No where else. That’s why I love my cats though, they’re petty and vengeful.

All three are true, so pick the explanation that makes me sound the most morally appealing and go with it. I digress again.

Oh great. They’re feeding ‘people in love’. Victoria thinks cooking for them is the closest thing she can get to seeing her girlfriend. That’s either deathly sweet, or really quite sinister and I can’t decide.

Elizabeth and Ahran are up. I can see Ahran having better ideas but probably a little young to lead confidently, so my money is on Elizabeth. They’re making an entree and a dessert for each couple.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 | Next →

Sister Wives Recap: Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 19.40.17“I wonder where I left Tony Soprano’s number?”

Howdy, Trashmii!  Welcome to the final ep of this “season”, Sister Wives Tell All, featuring Tamron Hall, who really needs to bribe someone to get out of this assignment next season.  Spoiler alert:  they don’t tell all, or even much of anything.

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 19.19.06And I went to journalism school for this . . . 

Kody is sitting on a couch between Christine and the QM, with Janelle and Robyn on the other couch.  Interesting dynamic there.  Is Janelle the only wife who doesn’t hate Robyn for having a bun in the oven?

First topic:  QM going back to school.  Duh-duh-DUH!  We get to see QM breaking the news to Kody again, and then QM tells us how “nervous” she was.  She then goes on to say that since the Browns are focusing on getting the kids through college, she feels guilty about being so unbelievably selfish and self-centered (I may be paraphrasing there), and she doesn’t want to “inhibit” the kids financially – but she’s sure that won’t happen.  No, because Christine and Janelle will make sure their kids get scholarships and jobs, since you and your devil child have used up such a huge chunk of what’s set aside for college tuition.  Good going, Your Maj!

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 19.19.45I’m finally gonna be a co-ed!

For his part, Kody says he thought “are you kidding me?” when the QM broke the news, citing MSWC.   Oh right, because it must take literally minutes topack and ship the 1 order they get weekly.

We’re not done with this topic!  Nosiree, time to relive the QM/Robyn convo.  Robyn tells us, again, that her concern is that non-plyg relationships don’t take any work.  They don’t?  What exactly does she think the monogamous life entails?

unicornIndeed.

Robyn goes on to say that since those non-plyg relationships are so gosh darn easy and fun, she’s afraid they’ll emotionally lose the QM.  Hasn’t that already happened?  Tamron asks if QM is engaging with them now, and Christine says no, but she thinks QM going to school will make her more engaging.  Sure . . . with others.  Janelle says there’s less of a “common ground” now that HRH is out of the house.  As in “none at all”.

Commercial.

Next topic:  Kody’s “man talk”.  We relive the classic scene where Kody – backed by science, remember – proclaims that when you kiss a person, their hormones go into your mouth and that “registers certain things that will stimulate both the heart and the body”.  So does a good donut, pal.  Kody says “all the dads in the world” wish they had that talk, too.

donutsI’m pretty sure all the dads in the world wish they had these donuts instead.

Kody gives us more of his sage wisdom, talking about “train wreck” relationships, and people rushing into kissing!  and sex!  before having a good foundation.  Christine says she wants every guy her girls date to have the same talk.  So she clearly intends for them to be spinsters their entire lives.

Pages: 1 234

True Blood Recap: Karma

Last week on True Blood, Lafayette, James, Jennie and Jackson threw a party to help take Sookie’s mind off her dead boyfriend problems. Lots happened at the party…Jessica and James broke up, James and Lafayette got together. Jessica and Jason boned while Violet overheard them from the hallway and slunk off to plot her revenge. Lettie Mae gave a touching eulogy for Tara and then immediately erased all the goodwill she’d gained by stabbing Willa to try to get her hands on some V. Meanwhile, Pam and Eric went to a Ted Cruz fundraiser in search of Sarah Newlin. Eric found her, but so did the Yakuza. They killed Mommy and Daddy just before Eric wiped out a handful of the Yakuza. Lastly, we were treated to a number of vampire Bill flashbacks. Ultimately, he knew the South would lose the Civil War and tried to escape North with runaway slaves before becoming a soldier, but was caught and essentially forced to fight for the Confederacy. In even bigger news, he’s now infected with Hep V.

This week we jump right back to the action at the Ted Cruz fundraiser. Eric is still clutching the jaw bone of the Yakuza guy he killed last episode. He clearly doesn’t feel good…using his super speed seems to really take it out of him. More Yakuza rush him and it takes all his strength to fight them off…but he does. Unfortunately, a few more with guns come around the bend and they’ve captured and silvered Pam.

Pam and Eric are taken to the Yakanomo Coporation’s very futuristic headquarters in very stereotypical Japanese cars for questioning.

Cars
Faster and more furious

They lock them in a windowed room with a timer that counts down to dawn. “Our first sunrise together” says Eric. It’s sweet…but it better not be the end of this great TV couple or I will be crazy pissed.

Back home in Bon Temps, Eric is coming to terms with his Hep V status. He does what we all do when we think we’re sick…he Googles his symptoms and concludes he’s dying. Just kidding, he actually knows he’s dying so he makes an appointment with an attorney because he needs to get his affairs in order. Jessica overhears him state that he’s Hep V positive as she is returning home after Sookie’s party and she’s clearly devastated. Bill plays it cool, asking her about the party and James and just casually mentioning that he has to step out for a while. She asks if he’s ok and he assures her that he’s fine.

Lafayette has taken Lettie Mae back to his place to thwart any more crazy attempts on her part to get V. James is already there, asking to stay over (squeee). Once again we hear Lettie Mae’s theory that Tara is trying to reach her from the great beyond and yet again Lafayette dismisses it as the ravings of a lunatic/addict. James, on the other hand, is willing to give her V, explaining that sometimes substances can “elevate your consciousness”. If she’s doing V, then so is Lafayette…so off on a blood trip they go.

LafayetteLettie

Outside the other Stackhouse manse, Jason sits in his squad car terrified to return home to Violet. He enters to find his entire place lit with candles, seductive jazz playing and Violet in black lingerie. She wanted to surprise him and show him how much she appreciates him. Oh lord. This is NOT going to go well. She explains that sometimes she’s a bit “aggressive,” but it’s because she comes from a different time. She wants him to know he’s appreciated and that he’s in control. She’s his every bit as much as he’s hers…and then she goes down on him? OK. I fear this is an elaborate build up to some seriously old-school retribution.

Bill arrives at the Kapneck law offfice. It seems to be a firm for Hep V infected vamps attempting to get their affairs in order (convenient evening hours!). Anubis is even running a taxi service in case the wait times bleed into daylight hours. The waiting room is packed.

Pages: | Next →

L.A. Hair Season 3 Episode 10 Minicap: Tranny Explosion!

LAH ep9 fbChina and Anthony  gossip Hello Trashies! Here we are in the ultra classy, oh so glam Kim Kimble Salon. You know I’m freaking kidding. It could be ghetto fabulous and over the top with a professional crew or fabulous in a different way. Or even chic in the wrong part of town. But nooooo. Kim is set on something else. Exactly what? Hell if I know.

Unfortunately Kim’s an unprofessional dimwit and a phony to boot. Most everyone on staff is ratchet, save one or two. They are unprofessional to the point of resembling stank students in a high school Cosmetology class. That is at a high school where they pass everyone who can spell their full name correctly.

LAH. Ep 10 mini fb k

Kim wants to know why she sucks more than her staff

This place will never be taken seriously as a business by anyone who hasn’t just downed some hard liquor or other mind altering substances.  Just when you think this show couldn’t get any more ridiculous, POOF! The stupid fairy waves her wand and things get even worse. Here are some highlights of our appointment last week at Stupidville Salon:

Malaka’s fired courtesy of Kim.

Lisa and Angela gossiped and bonded at Sally’s Beauty Supply.

Kim was chosen for a V.I.P modeling job so élite that Jas had to style her hair.

Naja landed in the Guinness Book of World Records for most manicures in 8 hours.

What may have been the ashiest, desperately unclean client made an appearance which was obviously staged but well-played. Malaka acted like her delusional self and put him down a hundred ways. She made him mad enough to get him to complain and get her axed. Cheers to the best customer in the history of Season 3.

LAH ep 9 buckwheat smooth do

Pages: 1 2

Orange is The New Black Recap : Slapped, yelled at and then dragged to bed. Larry’s had worse days.

Heya Trashies!

Finally, the long promised double ep caps are starting. Today with ep 6 and 7.

We start off seeing some barrel-camera stuff, inmates being interviewed by an unseen recorder. Aleida’s definition of love is being asked for, and she thinks its feeling floaty and having sore cheeks from smiling too much.

cheeks

Which also describes drinking too much

It turns out its Valentine’s Day, or its approaching. It gets discussed in the kitchen prep and CO Fisher joins in, and is as welcome as a turd in a punchbowl.

popular

Guess who spoke

They give her a cock shaped biscuit or something, and Barrett arrives to see Daya, but gets a smuggling list of Aleida instead, Happy Valentines Day sucker.

The black girls are moaning that they still don’t have decent showers, but Vee is working on getting Tastee on board with her plans. Not that she’s telling anyone what those plans are, but they involve getting her girls into key positions to get them access to different areas. Its not clear what’s she’s up to yet, but it can’t be good.

It’s Poussey’s turn for the back story, and it opens up with Pot smoking in Germany. Or with Germans. German lesbians? Yes, some, it turns out.

pot

A college guy’s idea of a great Bachelor party.

Eventually of course they realize lesbians don’t actually want to sleep with them . Turns out Poussey is fluent in German, and it’s probably the early 2000′s as they mention the fight against terror. After some brief set up we’re back to the black girls and Boo working maintenance, and not liking it, Boo, being the loyal thing she is offers to help out for a kickback. Danae’s run of luck continues as she gets sewage all over her.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 | Next →

Big Brother TweetCap: Penis Rules

Screen Shot 2014-07-24 at 7.57.01 PM

TheMiki and JalleytoCali do a killer job recapping Big Brother on Sunday and Wednesday nights, and I take over Thursdays with Big Brother in 2 Minutes videos. I also live tweet the show every Thursday night, so I figured I would post here so we could talk about the show before the video goes live. Join me on Twitter @RonnieKaram and @TrashTweetTV. Enjoy, and thanks for being with us this summer! Don’t forget to stop by the forums and talk trash about the live feeds with other readers!


The bot tells us what’s happened this week. Lots of nothin’. But the Bomb Squad was dismantled and a new alliance was formed!

http://www.twitter.com/ronniekaram

Let’s borrow lots of money we don’t intend on paying back!

Caleb had a chance to take the Veto, but instead took five grand. That’ll buy a lot of pigs to kill with a stick on YouTube. Idiot Whorethodox, Victoria, won instead! Then she talked about liking jewelry a lot while I cringed and did an image search on living feminists. I swear to God, this was the first image that came up.

If I had a vagina, I would punch myself in it right now.

Whorethodox is gonna pull herself off, so let’s put up someone else super threatening. Like the janitor. WTF?

Donny finds out Cody’s thinking of putting him up, and something’s fishy.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 | Next →

RHONY RECAP: The Reality Show Isn’t Over Until The Skinny Lady Slings…her leg

Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you! Well, it’s Christmas in July–”the end” (other than the plethora of reunion episodes) of Season 6. Let’s creep down the stairs and see what goodies Miss Andy and the Bravo Elves left for us in our Louboutins!

We open at Sonja’s shack of horrors, where Sonja is enjoying a nice Karma Breakfast of a badly bruised ego and ankle from the night before. #letgomyego! Tyler and Pickles are playing intern-nursemaids to Lady Morgan – making sure that her precious gam is properly lifted onto her bed while donning their “concerned” intern faces.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 7.34.02 AM

Yes, your eyes look really bad Sonja. “They” look like Aviva’s prosthetic leg on a table. FORESHADOWING ALERT!

As Intern Tyler, is icing Sonja’s swollen ankle; Sonja complains “This is the kind of towels I have left? We don’t have any budget for new dish towels?” Seriously Bitch? You’re complaining about the aesthetics of the towels that the ice pack is wrapped in? Argh, and any sympathy I had for Sonja is flushed down MY operational toilet. Speaking of flow, can someone PLEASE explain to Sonja how money works. Please?

Kristen and Ramona come over to Sonja’s to get the scoop on the night before. Ramona, being too distraught to speak, asks Intern Tyler to tell the gals what he overheard at Carole’s bday party. Tyler tells them that he witnessed Countess Lu and Dubin leaving together in a cab. I guess I’m not used to Tyler ever getting a word in edgewise, because I never noticed that he sounds like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs. Hysterical and Creepy!

giphy-1

Dubin got into a cab with Lu. Right, Not- Millou? Now, put the lotion in the basket, Sonja!

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 8.25.00 AM

Random Side Note: I never realized the same actor that played Buffalo Bill was the Captain on Monk. Good acting, Mr. Character guy that I’m too lazy to further Google!

Sonja says she ran after Harry in her fishtail dress.  She then twisted her ankle and skinned her elbow, but the worst damage of all is that Harry normally rings her each morning and it’s 1PM and she hasn’t heard a peep from him. Insert suspenseful soap opera music here. Ramona and Kristen comfort Sonja.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 8.03.07 PM

Awww look, Sonja and Ramona have the matching Kay Jeweler’s “Infidelity set” of Diamond rings. Every Kiss (off) begins with Kay!™

Ramona get’s pissed off that Countess Lu would betray Sonja like this and yells:

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 8.15.25 PM

“FUCK HER!” (It looks like her Berkshire roots are showing)

Ramona then says that “Lu’s not a girl’s girl,” which as we all know is the worst thing you can call someone on a reality show other than “Bossy” and a “bad hostess.” I hope the Countess rips these harpies a matching set of new ones at the reunion for what they said about her this scene. Sonja tries to make herself feel better by saying “When I walk in the street right now, my shoulder’s are back, my aura’s so high. I am attracting so many men right now. Harry’s not getting the girl.”

rbsprinkcolor

Rainbow Bright has a hotter aura, Sonja. And she’s closer to Harry’s ideal age.

Oh Sonja, I’d feel some sympathy for you if you weren’t such an evil twatwaffle all season, but right now I can only give you this:

20121201024328!Boohoo

BOO HOO.

Next scene: Kristen’s Douche of a husband is having a business meeting out of their apartment. So, after counseling, he has learned to work from home. Baby steps – I guess? In a very obviously staged-by-Bravo scene, Josh let’s Kristen know they’re about to start “casting.” Kristen proving she’ll never be a good actress, innocently asks:

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 8.43.02 PM

“What are you casting for?” P.S. Have you noticed that Josh is always wearing EBOOST and how it’s placed all over their house. Marketing, people. Marketing.

He’s casting the new Roman Polanski film, Kristen. What the fuck do you think he’s casting for? We all know it’s the new Eboost campaign and we all know you’ll both pretend they’ll be looking at other younger models. This scene is almost as boring as all things Lizzie.

vicki-rhoc

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Yes, I know I’m mixing my housewives tonight, but I’m feeling dangerous and heady that this is the last “official” episode of this season. I promise not to leave my house and operate heavy machinery with all my drunken housewifery.

Oh great, we’re back with Sonja’s dilapidated storyline already? Fuck. Sonja is scooting down the stairs on her butt like a two year old. I think it’s funny until I see this title card:

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 9.02.17 PM

You really went ahead and bought this dog with Harry you stupid Minge? Va te faire voir!

God, this pisses me off.

Anyhoo, Sonja has decided she needs to throw a party for “Team Sonja” to give back. Sonja wants to celebrate “everyone whose helped me get to where I am.” Where exactly are you Sonja? Owing banks millions of dollars? In a dilapidated brownstone with no hot water? In a fuck buddy relationship? Most people would sue those involved in getting you there, but you decide to throw a party. Yay? So…….. “Team Sonja” will be forced to plan their own party. If Team Sonja plans a party in the woods, who will open the nonexistent doors?

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 9.14.52 PM

Pickles deserves her own Screen grab. And party. Love you, Pickles!

Countess Lu comes over, because Sonja wanted to discuss the whole #taxigate. Lu tells Sonja that “Harry jumped in the car with me…and the question for you is why would Harry leave you at the party?” PREACH, LU! Sonja then asks Lu if she slept with Harry and the Countess says “I am tired of you constantly throwing me under the bus, insinuating things like this. This is not a friend. Don’t point your dagger at me because you’re pointing it in the wrong direction.” I now sound like an audience member from Night At The Apollo since I’m hooting so loudly for Countess Lu. Where was this version of the Countess all the previous seasons?!? I LOVE HER!

Moving on up to the East Side: Heather meets Carole for some handbag shopping. Heather likes this line of handbags because they donate proceeds to children’s charities. That’s all I need to hear to throw up their link:

https://lovealex.com/us#about

If anyone is feeling especially philanthropic, I think I’m in desperate need of the Ornella in black. So pretty. Anyway, Carole asks how Heather’s son, Jax is doing. Heather and Mrs. Heather went for a second opinion on Jax and it looks the surgery won’t reverse the hearing loss. So sad. I’m sending Jax good Juju-he’s a cute kid.

I can’t deal with any human-like emotions, so let’s speed along. Kristen is in the makeup chair because…guess what…she got the EBOOST campaign! Shocking, right? The creepy french photographer tells Kristen to think “orgasmic.” This is the winning shot:

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 9.46.43 PM

Egads, I want to bleach my soul because I’m envisioning, Kristin envisioning having sex with her gross husband–or Elvis. Shudder. Thanks to this ad campaign I can say with certainty that I will continue to buy the wonderful 5 hour energy or  even a half empty coke can found in the recycling bin for my energy needs!

http://www.5hourenergy.com/index.asp

All board the energy train to the next scene..choo choo!

Sonja meets Dubin at a restaurant to scold him. I’d say to break up with him, but I don’t think she can break up with someone who is just Mr. friends with benefits. Sonja lays into Harry for getting in the cab with Lu. Harry says “Nothing happened that night. I mean it sounds good. I wish it did–It didn’t. Hahahaha. Harry apologizes and says “this is nothing to end a 25 year relationship over.” Sonja says “I’m ending the concept of you ever committing to me” and gives the ring back. She ends the scene by saying “I am ready for commitment and probably have a good 10, 20 years of marriage ahead of me, and if that doesn’t work after that we’ll see each other.” Oh, Sonja, you poor deluded, optimist you- I give you two good years of marriage tops. Harry looks confused and perhaps a little genuinely sad?

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.04.14 PM

Maybe you can give Kristen some acting lessons, Dubin?

Next scene: we go to Carole’s “Juujed up” remodeled apartment. I might starts an online campaign for Carole to adopt me. AH.MAZ.ING! She turned her kitchen into an office like she said she was going to- a woman after my own “I only do reservations”  heart.

  Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.10.48 PM

The “Before” was pretty great too.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.11.02 PM

“After” is Pinterest Porn.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.11.44 PM

Is anyone else drooling over this pimped -out ceiling?

You have killer taste, Carole- I doff my imaginary chapeau to you. Carole whips out a hard copy of her book and I’m having problems concentrating on the conversation as I’m just looking at the new details of her apartment. Sonja texted Carole that Aviva will be attending the “Team Sonja” party. The gals wonder (as do we all) why Sonja is such good friends with Aviva. As the conversation about Aviva continues, Kristen gets more and more worked up and says “give me two glasses of Ramona and I’m going to go up there and go all raaaarararrrar”

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.26.27 PM

Kristen’s audition for “Challenged Zombie” On The Walking Dead.

Guys, can you tell I’m drunk with exhaustion and exhilaration that we’ve made it to the finale?  Only a few minutes more-stay with me.

I must be drunk, because in the “cute scene” of this episode, Ramona and Carole are dining out on fish tacos and Ramona says that she dated Fabio and then Carole starts talking about Blow Jobs. So. Close. To the. End. Must, Make. It. Through.

We are FINALLY at the Team Sonja party at Le Cirque! C’est freak le chic!

Why do “Fashion Guru’s” always look like such asshats?

 Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.37.09 PM

Exhibit A. 

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.38.53 PM

Exhibit B through z. 

Anyway, it’s wonderfully symbolic that Sonja is having this party at Le Cirque, because the only thing this “Team Sonja” party is missing is abused elephants. All the guest and ladies show up, and of course, Sonja is no where to be seen; then like a true diva, she shows up an hour late, but instead of greeting her guests, she clinks a wine glass to get everyone’s attention. Just as she is about to launch into what looks like a lengthy speech, Ramona (rightfully) says “Sonja aren’t you going to come say hello to us? We were here for like an hour waiting for you – don’t you think you should come over to see your good friends first?”

Sonja ignores her BFF and says to Intern Tyler “Oh, these bitches, Give ‘em a Motrin.” Wait. WTF? Sonja launches into a very long speech that begins with “Tonight we are celebrating you, because you are all apart of me. And I am you” Do be do be dooo.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 10.56.55 PM

Heather’s face speaks my mind.

Aviva is in the room, but avoids the girl throughout Sonja’s crazy rambling speech. After the speech, Aviva asks Sonja if the gals are all still mad at her and Sonja says “You see how Ramona yells at me when I don’t come and say hi before my speech. They steamroll you. They’re emotional vampires.” Yes Sonja, it’s so awful of your friends to want to say “hi!” to you at your party. Shame on them!

Ramona gets Aviva and brings her over to the rest of the girls so they can all talk.  Aviva asks the ladies to sit down at what appears to be the only baguette table in the room. That doesn’t look suspicious at all. Heather starts off calmly “i think they’re are much bigger issues you’re not facing.” Kristen, ready for a fight, says “There’s got to be deeper issues than just asthma.” Carole says that you didn’t go on this trip because of asthma and no one really believes you have asthma.

Aviva says “I understand your position, because in fact, I’ve been lied to; my doctor lied to me. My doctor told me I had asthma so severely that I couldn’t go to Montana.

Everyone exchanges confused glances and then some of the gals get excited for a second, really wanting to hear why Aviva’s doctor would lie to her. I must admit, I actually believed it for a split second – I mean why would someone lie about something so weird, right? Then Aviva brings out an X-ray of her chest and starts screeching

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 11.18.10 PM

THIS IS NOT MY CHEST. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY DOCTOR FORGED HIS NAME ON MY XRAY?

Aviva should go into Children’s wings and do a Patch Adams routine – “This is not an X-ray of Cancer on your lungs. Honk. Honk.”

After Aviva’s little comedy routine, she turns to Carole and says, the only reason that people who are close to you are trying to peg me as a liar is because it’s the only way around the fact that I’ve heard things about your writing.

And thus we come full circle on this season as Aviva revisits #bookgate2014.

Screen Shot 2014-07-24 at 10.24.12 AM

#Bookgate 2014. Never forget.

Heather, Lu and Carole get up from the table since they’re done with Aviva’s nonsense.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 11.28.07 PM

As the ladies are talking about how crazy Aviva is – did anyone else notice Dubin in the background hugging a member of Team Sonja?

Just as Carole and Lu are eyeing the exit, Aviva begs them to come back and sit at the table. When she gets all the women back to the table, Aviva says “I find it very very very hurtful that you don’t believe that I have asthma. Take them home. Look at them…” and then she flings a bunch of files in Heather’s lap. Could someone please drop a piano on her already? Sheesh.

Also, who brings medical records and x-rays to a party?

Heather is as done with Aviva as I am “Don’t you understand this is a tiny BS piece of your problem? I would like to go home tonight and this is not worth my time (amen, Heather). You say that you’ve never lied to any of us at the table, and you find us really hurtful? I find that laughable.”

And….wait for …it….we are close…

Aviva says the only thing that is artificial or fake about me is this.

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 11.41.49 PM

The Money shot! POUNDS LEG ON TABLE!

Aviva, there’s one other thing that’s fake about you – this whole God Damn performance. Even the “dull tool in the shed” model called it out in her blog this week. “Aviva walks in with the biggest bag I have ever seen. Aviva insisted that we all sit down. Fishy. Hmmmm. . .Watching this we really had no idea what was going on, but if you watch it back you can see the signs. She wanted us all to sit around that particular table that had a long tablecloth and when Carole and Heather got up and walked away she insisted that they come back and sit down? So weird. Normally one of us would have walked off and left. I am convinced she had this planned out for sometime. It just felt way too orchestrated.”

Then to punctuate the scene, Aviva flings the leg at Heather and says “Why don’t you take it. I’ll crawl home.” I wonder if this is a little glimpse of what Holidays at the Dreschers is like. “But, Mom, I asked you to pass the candied yams, not you leg again!”

Pages: 1 23

Big Brother 16: Kick Your Own Ass

It’s Veto night on Big Brother.  Last time, we left off with Amber winning the Battle of the Block while Jacosta tried to hook the demon inside her on phonics.  This left Brittany and Victoria on the block and Cody as HOH. It also left me with the wish that CBS bought one less HD camera and used the extra funds on some real tar and feathering for Frankie.

Frankie Tar and FeatherDidn’t realize Hershey’s made tar.

After the comp, Jocasta is praising God when she should really be thanking Amber. On the other spectrum, Brittany has gone off to find a bed to mope in.  Zach pokes the bear until Brittany comes out saying she’s on the block because she’s not “shoving her tits in Cody’s face”.  Man, am I going to miss Brittany after tomorrow night.  Zach turns up the volume to CBS commercial levels in the DR, as he shouts how Brittany is going home no matter what her boobs do about it.  Can we at least get a demonstration?

Victoria is also claiming that she is alone in this house and that she looks stupid on TV and that America is laughing at her.  Don’t worry Victoria, you’re not even on TV.  Hayden sits next to her trying to figure out who she is while also explaining to her that the two-faced nature of everybody in the house is the game she signed up for.

Wait.  Did I just hear the creepy music cue?  It’s Caleb time.  He’s traded in Beast Mode Cowboy for Stealth Mode Cowboy.  He’s going to sneak in to the HOH and do some recon on Cody and Amber.  First lesson of stealth training:

Stealth Mode CowboyIf you crawl on your hands and feet like a gorilla, people won’t see you approach.  That’s how Andy Serkis gets into so many parties.

Second lesson, walk in the front door.  And finally:

Stealth Mode Cowboy 2Look directly at your targets while playing with your kill weapon.

I’m starting to think Caleb didn’t learn his moves from the military but from the writers of Season 8 of Dexter.  We’ll know if he shows up to finale night in a beard and full lumberjack gear.

Caleb leaves the room and talks to Zach about how he doesn’t like Cody feeling up his girl and that it’s putting a target on his back.  Zach is just collecting information while the editors gave me this gem to work with.

Cody HandYou know it’s serious with Cody and Amber because Cody hasn’t made that face since he’s seen his father.

Later, Brittany comes outside to find Caleb is still annoyed that Amber isn’t on her hands and knees sucking his dick because he’s been so nice to her and has done her nothing but favors.  Brittany also vents her frustrations to Caleb to the point that Caleb says he would keep her over Victoria because Brittany has ten kids and is working her ass off in the house.  She of course has to speak up and say she’s not that big of a whore and only has three kids, therefore losing his vote because he’s not going to be corrected by a woman.  That’s why he’s so infatuated by Amber.  It’s her ability to not speak around men.

It’s veto player pick ‘em time.  Cody picks Zach, Victoria picks Nicole, and Brittany gets Houseguest Choice and takes Caleb.  She says it’s because Caleb looks “yummy in that shirt”.

Pages: 1 23