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Masterchef Recap: I’ve only had three cups!

Hi Trashies

Its Mystery Box time, and it’s another ‘giant’ one. Although I doubt it’ll have Paula Dean under it this time.

Possibly Lucky’s prospects take a dramatic turn for the worse today as it the promo reel shows her fainting for some reason, probably cutting herself as she’s clutching her hands. Slightly ironic that I started calling her ‘Lucky’ last week if she’s lobbed her thumb off.

The mystery box looks all metal and cool, suggesting that they’re cooking with Uranium or something.

unsafe

The guest judge this week is a Prototype Cylon

Cutter believes cooking with big things might be an advantage for him, being a Texan. Do the producers just wait for them to say stupid things and then humiliate them…what am I saying of course they do.

The minis individual boxes are revealed to have a knife in. Uh oh. Some kind of butchery seems imminent.

first

All fun and games until someone loses an eye. Or stabs Malibu by ‘accident’.

Elizabeth has the same thought I did but didn’t say as its too silly – that they’ll all be hacking away at the same huge creature under the box. No, its for a fish each. Elise interjects with a joke that it’s about to get a bit cutthroat in the kitchen.

cutthroat

Ironic foreshadowing?

Aw she seemed so happy there. The box is raised amidst a burst of dry ice or something and a rack of salmon. The freshest, most incredible according to Gorden – not ‘amazing’ so he’s extended his vocabulary. Not since season 1 or 2 when they had the knife skills tests have they expected the mini’s to be so assured with a knife.

Everyone is being fairly pleasant and likeable so far today, even Evil-Courtney. Gordy is going to fillet the last fish, TG is cooking it, Bastage is eating the dish. Which sums up his place in the hierarchy of judges quite well. The mini’s are filleting then cooking their fish.

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Sister Wives Recap: If We Had a Chance to Do It All Again, Would We?

Screen Shot 2014-07-21 at 17.07.48Kids, I’m about to show you how a stud like me could get 4 chicks to shack up with him!

Howdy, Trashmii!  Welcome to the (half) season finale of Sister Wives.  They’ll be back soon, though. They haven’t finished milking this cow.

images1Or this one.

Before we get to our ep, I have a programming note.  There will be no Minicap next week – but do look for the full recap, as usual, on Tuesday.

Let’s get into this ep!  It’s Every Brown Revealed.  Luckily, “revealed” didn’t mean “unclothed”.  After all, we’ve already been subjected to this:

images2Woo-hoo, Fire Island!

Kody tells us he has the  “great idea” of bringing the family together and showing a slideshow from when he married QM to the present day.  Christine says she also made a family scrapbook of the kids in their birth order.  Robyn reminds us she’s been married to Kody for 4 years, and says this is the first scrapbook that will include Robyn and her kids.  No one’s made a scrapbook in four years?  I’m shocked.  I’d thought the Browns were constantly scrapbooking everything, what with their endless parties celebrating the most trivial occurrences.

BTW, there are kids in this ep I swear I’ve never seen before.  I’m convinced some of them are actors.

We then go to a heavily-staged, completely set up “casual” phone call where Aspyn asks Kody if Robyn is pregnant.  He smugly says he can’t speak for her.  I’ve seen more convincing “acting” in community theater.  Christine then tells Aspyn she, too, thinks Robyn is preggers.

images3A penny for your thoughts, Robyn.

Everyone gathers in one of the backyards to watch slides and videos projected onto a sheet.  It’s all “the story of the Browns”, so it starts with the wedding of the (last) century, QM and Kody.  This media extravaganza is intercut with interviews with the adults and the kids.

QM tells us that she was introduced to Kody by his sister, who clearly must hate his guts.  QM came from a polygamous background, and Kody repeats what he’s told us 10,000 times, that he converted to polygamy after serving a Mormon mission.

Screen Shot 2014-07-21 at 17.08.40Ladies and gentlemen, the first Mormon flasher.

Kody claims QM was shy when they first met, and the only way he knew she was “digging on” him was that she was smiling.  He also says QM is a great listener.   Who is this woman?  Not the one we’ve grown to know and loathe, that’s for sure.

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True Blood Recap: Hear, Hear I Say!

Last week on True Blood, Sookie let Jackson know that Alcide was dead and we flashed back to the 80’s and saw Eric come under the thumb of a Yakuza-backed Authority. They forced him to chose between his French girlfriend and Pam (he clearly chose Pam) and then the duo was ordered to run a video store in Shreveport. That humble store eventually became Fangtasia. Lettie Mae is certain that V allows her to commune with Tara while James confides in Lafayette about his failing relationship with Jessica. Pam and Eric head back to Louisiana to find Willa and to kill Sarah Newlin, but they get sidetracked and end up helping all of Bon Temps with their rabid vamp problem. All of the Hep V vamps are dead along with that story line, thankfully.

This episode opens up on the aftermath of the big vamp fight at Fangtasia. Bodies/vamp guts are being hosed off the parking lot outside and Willa is MAD. She refuses to go with Pam and Eric to chase after Sarah Newlin. She’s pissed at having been left right when she needed them the most. Eric agrees…he’s been a terrible maker, but he’s proud of her and he doesn’t regret turning her. He came back for Willa to get info on where Sarah Newlin might be. She offers to tell them what she knows if Eric will release her. It’s a deal Eric is willing to make, so he releases her. Willa reacts to being released and Pam describes it like being “kicked in the cootch by a wallaby.”

Willa explains that Sarah has a sister named Amber who’s actually a vampire. Willa overheard Sarah talking on the phone one night, threatening the sister with “camp” if she ever called the Governor’s mansion again. The sister is in the Dallas area. Eric tells Ginger to get two travel coffins ready and she’s incensed. She’s been his sex slave for 15 years…except they haven’t had any sex (which Pam helpfully points out makes her just a plain old slave). Ginger tries to force them to take her to Dallas and if they’re not going to take her, then Eric needs to bang her STAT. He’s diseased, but so is she (?!).

Ginger
The conversation doesn’t go well for Ginger

Back in Bon Temps, Sookie arrives home after one hell of a long day. She’s looking pretty beat up, but thankfully Lafayette is there (with James) to meet her. Her house feels terribly empty, and Lafayette tells her not to worry and instead puts her to bed in a super sweet, loving way. He promises to be there when she wakes.

An entire day passes and Sookie wakes up around dusk. She hears banging and clanging downstairs and looks out the window to see Jackson loading things into his truck. Jackson has loaded all of Alcide’s things in the car so she can come out to their place and look through them when the time is right. She also finds her house lit with candles and a feast on the table.

Lafayette, James and Jennie come out of the kitchen carrying even more food. They’ve decided to plan a party. They’ve invited the whole town, in fact. Sookie is understandably miffed but they turn her frown upside down…this party is a celebration of life! Lafayette was listening when she said her house felt empty. He’s going to fill it up for her. Both Alcide and Tara would want her to be around people at a time like this. This is a fuck you to death and Lafayette’s got top shelf booze on the way too…hear, hear I say!

Bill arrives with flowers because he didn’t have any booze handy. Leave it to Bill to be the first one to the party. She invites him in.

In Dallas, Pam and Eric quickly find Sarah’s sister…and she’s also go Hep V. She explains that she’d always been the black sheep while Sarah was the favored daughter. Her boyfriend was the one who turned her, but Sarah couldn’t deal with having a vampire sister. She paid Amber off so that she’d stay in the coffin, allowing her to spin a web of lies about her sister being abducted by vamps to help her Fellowship of the Sun nonsense. Ultimately Amber spent her time watching House Hunters marathons with her boyfriend and sipping (tainted) True Blood…but the Hep V ultimately killed her boyfriend. Since Hep V is all Sarah’s fault, Pam and Eric are going after her. Amber thinks that’s a fine plan and offers to help. Pam decides that she likes Amber and when Amber says she hasn’t made up her mind about Pam yet, Pam likes her even more.

As it turns out, Sarah called that very morning needing a place to hide. She’s on her way to Mommy and Daddy’s house but they’re going to a gala at the Bush library in honor of Ted Cruz. LOL. What a hilarious, wonderful detail. I love it. Anyway, Amber explains that Sarah’s probably going to try to meet up with Mommy and Daddy at the gala but warns Pam and Eric that they’ll never get in…only assholes are invited. Eric’s response: “You don’t know us, sweetheart. We can be assholes.”

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Marriage Boot Camp, Reality Stars, Episode 8: Walk Through the Door

Well here we are again. Time for some tough choices- should we watch Marriage Boot Camp or violently pull out our eyelashes? What about considering the sex life of Gretchen and Slade versus bowel surgery in the woods with a stick? Given that choice, I am ready for my operation Dr. Bonesaw.

Speaking of tough choices, this episode is all about that very topic. Let’s see how our cast of characters will navigate these obstacles.

We open the episode with a calm pool of water and a variety of shots of the idiots getting up and ready for the day. Slade falls out of bed. Ha. Clive cooks some decent looking breakfast. Wonder if he knows Blanca from Marriage Boot Camp. Anyway, we must recall that Jenni and Roger are off at an event and will not be participating in this exercise. Fine, less for me to recap.

The Directors pow-wow and talk shit about the couples. None are doing great. Meanwhile, Tanisha gets some great news. Her manager calls and she got some gig she auditioned for. She corners the Directors and tells them the news. This means she can put food on the table for another week…and devour it all. She wants to share the joy with her dad who is not there, but she won’t share the happiness with Clive, who is following her around the house like a puppy dog looking for a Milk Bone.

envelope

An old joke: she would show up to the opening of an envelope…

The Directors summon the couples and let them know that we are reaching the end of the boot camp. DC explains that everyone has someone who has hurt them but if they hold onto the bitterness in their relationships, they won’t be able to move forward. Thanks Dr. Freud. Also, not getting over it will draw negativity into the marriage. Good to know. He asks the morons to close their eyes and think of someone or something that they have resentment towards…for Jenni it will probably be the ice cream guy who fired her in seventh grade.

Slade does not know where to start. He is angry at G-d because of his son, who has brain cancer. He is recovering from his sixteenth surgery (!!!). DC asks if the bitterness is making it worse. Slade says he hates him (i.e. G-d) beyond all measure. Slade is crying. It is touching, but only slightly. Tanisha says she really likes Slade. Great judgment there honey.

sladecryingSlade is either crying or constipated.

Tanisha is up next. She says she is embarrassed. DC encourages her to continue. Co-Director Ilsa does a good job of provoking Tanisha in the role of the babysitter who abused Tanisha. DC takes over, because he is the MAN, and tries to push Tanisha to hit him. I think DC may want to have a dentist on call. We go to commercials before any violence takes place.

Upon return, DC is still pushing her buttons. Tanisha says she really wants to hit him. DC keeps saying that he controls her. Tanisha does not want to forgive him/her. She says that she let someone take advantage of her. Wow, that is sad. Damn you WeTV, do not make me have real human feelings. Eventually, Tanisha forgives this heinous individual from her past. Uplifting music plays in the background so we know it is ok.

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Minicap: Sister Wives

Screen Shot 2014-07-20 at 14.32.07”The Brown’s story”?  What is this, a very special episode about UPS?

Howdy, Trashmii!  We’re at the penultimate episode of this short season.  Next week, of course, we’re treated to the inevitable Sister Wives Tell All.  I expect they’ll pick up again in the autumn, just like they did last year, especially given what happened at the end of the ep.  Spoiler alert:  no, Janelle did not leave.  Curses.

This ep was occupied with the family gathering to watch slides and videos on a sheet in one of the backyards in a “history of the family” presentation, interspersed with interviews with the family members.  According to the Sister Wives Facebook page, the crew helped them recover videos from obsolete equipment.  I’m not sure if that means they actually recovered tape off the devices, or just helped convert the films into modern formats.  I’m going with the latter.  The Browns haven’t been a family that long, it’s not like Edison took kinescopes of their weddings.

imagesReally? “Sister Wives”?  Is it too late to un-invent this?

At the end, after several heavy “hints”, Kody announces Robyn has something to say, and she coyly says she hears the phone ringing.  Oh, that’s fame, honey, letting you know you’re at minute 14.  Also, wipe that smirk off your face.  We all know you’re “expecting”.  Anything to wrest another season out of TLC your gravy train!

Much more in the full recap!  Join me back here for that, won’t you?

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L.A. Hair Season 3 Episode 9 Recap: Kim Begins Her Modeling Career and Leah’s Lost Her Mind

Hello Trash Talkers! Hope your hair is surviving Summer weather along with the many bugs that are overtaking our world as we know it. About the bugs, can you guess which stylist reminds me of a mosquito? Hint: ugly, annoying and useless to we humans.

That’s right. That would be Malaka, China’s ratchet sister. Her lazy ass was still hanging out at the salon and getting paid for it last week. This is the norm for Kim’s employees so it seemed like no big deal. Or is it?

Let’s try to remember last week’s episode and the name of this show first.

LAH ep9 recap

Kim can’t remember the show’s name so why should we?

Fresh off glamour of the “Titanic” shoot, Kim called Leah and screamed into her ear that one of the musical groups managed by Nick Cannon needed stylists for their video shoot. Kim bragged to Leah that Lisa and China would be doing it. Leah did not think China being involved was a good one. She did, however, decide to keep China on the payroll so she had no pass to bitch about it. Of course Leah would not agree! In her glazed eyes she is always right.

LAH ep9 fu

 Yes, Leah. China is STILL your employee.

The good news was announced and China wasn’t so surprised. She was the laziest and skankiest so of course Kim would pick her. Lisa was actually gracious and planned to be as prepared as possible so she could kick ass along with her new “friend” China. “China” and “friend” should not be used in the same sentence. Why would I not be surprised if she  had a very friendless Facebook page?

LAH ep9 recap CHINA

 China at her best behavior. 

They went to the shoot. China felt like styling one lonely head the entire day would be more than enough. The various scrawny coke heads, also known as actors, in the video did not. Lisa saw the writing on the wall that said “Wake up your career is going down the tubes thanks to this lazy bitch!” She called Kim. Kim was styling actual celebrity hair as opposed to the usual “guest appearance from ’90′s show only” client  and would not get the phone.

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Orange is The New Black Recap: Mendoza employs her dispute resolution skills

Heya Trashies!

The recent tumult in my personal life has subsided to usual levels, so now I’ll try and get back on track with OITNB and pimp out at least 2 a week.

So pressing on, Vee is well on the way to establishing her new gang, whilst Red has found a possible new angle for her smuggling antics.

Gloria, who is the top latino inmate these days as she runs the kitchen, finds that there showers are going badly wrong.

shower

Sub-Optimal Cleaning conditions

Understandably she’s angry, but when they try and use the Black girls showers Vee stops them.

clean

Essentially, ‘you get clean when I say you get clean’

With her gang backing her up, Vee gets her way. Sort of. The fight gets broken up by a CO and the Latin girls don’t get their showers.

Gloria is this eps ‘Flashback of the Week’. She’s working in a corner shop and hocking her Brujah skills too, by the looks of it. One guy complains the spell he bought didn’t get him a job, but she points out he failed to actually hand in his job application.

test

Get out or I’ll hit you with my Magic stick. Or ‘club’ as its also known.

I have no time for occult stuff, or frauds like Homeopathy, so this man gets no sympathy. But Gloria’s relative Lourdes seems to be the main Brujah, but Gloria has a side line in foodstamp fraud, and an abusive boyfriend. So the complete set.

Nicky and Boo have decided to have a ‘Bang off’. A competition where the one who gets the most points wins and they get points by sleeping with women, overseen by Chang. The number of points each women gives depends on how ‘easy’ they are seen to be – its 10 for CO Fisher, and 3 for Piper. And I thought only men did things like this, my old college dorm should have made a reciprocal deal with the ladies next door. Except we played Dungeons and Dragons so that wasn’t going to work.

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RHONY Recap: There’s something about finally ending this show so we can get on with watching other Bravo shows!

Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you!

ARE WE THERE YET?

I’m longing for the finale next week when Aviva’s leg is left on the floor. A.K.A. where the editors should have left most of this season – on the cutting room floor! BURN!

I am the biggest Housewives fan (other than you) but this season has almost made me wish for the days of Alex McCord. Maybe I’m just comparing this show to the seemingly endless array of sparkly disfunction Miss Andy is throwing at us? Or Maybe I’m just an entitled white woman having a bad case of #firstworldproblems?

Speaking of first word problems..let’s get to the QUEENS of FWP land. Oh crap! Aviva is back in the opening title sequence – that doesn’t bode well for us.

We open with Heather (the B-O-S-S) planning Carole’s 50th “Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil” themed birthday party (with some people that are not the B-O-S-S). Kudos to Carole for choosing a cool-ass theme for her birthday and for having the great genes to not look close to 50!

One of Carole’s assistants (I thought Carole told us she had only one!) reads an email a DOCUMENT of some of Carole’s conditions for her birthday party:

1000 white lights.

Spanish Moss on all the tables.

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Devious Maids Season Finale Recap – Screw Looking Back, LOOK OUT!

Previously:  Rosie promised to be waiting for SoBigSpence when he returns from rehab, but Reggie threatened to send her ass back to Mexico for foiling his (devious) plan to steal Papa Ken’s fortune.  Zoila was torn between ex Pablo and new honey Javier, and Pablo was a perfect kidney donor match for an ailing LaLucci.  The Earnest Robbers, whose members include Noseythan as well as SBSpence’s crazy bowl-cutted nephew Ty, accidentally killed Alejandro; when crazy Ty found out Valentina spoke to the cops, he decided to get rid of her.  The Powells’ marriage was damaged by the death, some 15 years ago, of their son Barrett in a hit and run car accident, and coincidentally (um, spoiler?) Marisol’s new rich hubby Creeper Nick has been keeping a horrible secret for about 15 years…

Following her discovery in the Opster’s safe deposit box, a distraught Marisol is re-reading the “Tragedy in Beverly Hills” article.  Carmen finds her, but Marisol won’t talk – today is about Rosie, after all.

The girls are ostensibly taking Rosie to a fancy lunch, and she’s worried this may be her very last meal in the U.S., because Reggie apparently threw away all of her immigration documents, thereby getting disbarred on top of all his other problems, and absolutely ensuring that Rosie will get a stay of her hearing, especially considering that her attorney was trying to get into her pants.  What?  Oh, right.  This is Devious Maids and not real life.  Anyway, Rosie’s all freaked out about her immigration issues, and the girls think she should be hoping for a miracle (spoiler – don’t pray too hard, Zoila!).  As they approach the restaurant, Rosie’s disappointed because it’s closed for a private event, but the girls pull her inside anyway.  SBSpence is waiting; he’s out of rehab, and surrounded by flowers (tonight’s theme).  The girls fade to the background as SBSpence, with the help of Miguel, asks Rosie to marry him.  We hear Carmen’s description rather than see for ourselves, and Zoila talks about how exciting marriage is.  Marisol the boner-killer’s at it again; she says she’s gotta go turn in her husband to the police.

Aw.  I’m not going to miss these gross bloody credits even a little.  Un-sniff.

Ma and Pa Powell’s.  Ma’s lost in a memory – she and Pa, both younger, are in the park, while a child rides his bicycle around them.  Sharp eyes will notice the red picnic table looks like the same one where last season’s final scene (where Rosie was arrested by immigration) took place – perhaps it’s a kind of Marc Cherry signature?  Let me know in the comments if you know.  In the present day, Pa startles Ma out of her reverie to talk about how happy they are, and how the next night will be their 25th wedding anniversary (Wow, Pa really is a pervert if that’s true – Rebecca Wisocky is not even 40 yet, so she was 14 when they got married?  Is Pa related to Jerry Lee Lewis?  Is Ma?  And yes, I know they have the actress playing older than her chronological age, but damn.)  Anyway, Pervert Pa pontificates on the reason their marriage has outlasted so many – he credits their sense of humor, while Ma feels it’s their “high tolerance for adultery and perversion.”  Well, those are two top reasons why *I* love them, anyway.  Valentina bounces in, excited – seems Pa helped her get a fashion internship in New York for the summer, and has offered her the use of Ma and Pa’s penthouse during her stay.  Ma’s both surprised and suspicious, especially when Valentina hugs Pa to thank him, and his hand lands just a leeetle too close to her booty.  Ma says something snarky under her breath, but Pa’s distracted and doesn’t hear her.  Irritated, Ma heads out to Rodeo Drive to spend some of Pa’s money.  Take me!!  Take me!!

Ma, Pa, and my doomed plot device brother

Ma, Pa, and my doomed plot device brother

Beverly Hills Police Station.  Marisol’s meeting with two detectives, and shows them the article and the bloody cloth.  The detectives are like, um, lady?  This article is from 15 years ago, you found this stuff in a dead woman’s safe deposit box – is this all ya got?  Marisol’s also “got” the fact that Creeper Nick has been acting suspiciously for months, you guys, and you should totally arrest him.  The skeptical detectives wonder about the state of the Creepers’ marriage, and I laugh.  I think the show’s poking just a little fun at Marisol’s overserious side, and I like it.    Marisol, on the other hand, is shocked that they don’t want to go haul in Creeper Nick for questioning.  Shocked, I tell you!

Nice Piano (?) Bar.  Carmen, looking lovely in a floral print, is knocking back a decent-sized glass of wine.  As she finishes, a hot dude named Sebastian offers to buy her another.  Sebastian is played by Gilles Marini, who’s on a show called Switched at Birth that I’ve never seen, but who I know from his appearances on Dancing with the Stars.  He is in fact superhot, and he and Carmen banter a bit about how hot they both are and how sexy their accents are.  They do make an unbelievably gorgeous pair.  Carmen opens up a little and tells Sebastian that she’s down because she’s watching Rosie’s dreams come true while still struggling with her own.  She gives him a copy of her demo CD, and flourishes out, leaving him intrigued.

Despite the fact that I look like this, no promo stills were available.  Lifetime hates ElvisMama.

Despite the fact that I look like this, no promo stills were available. It’s clear that Lifetime hates ElvisMama.

Lair O’the Earnest Robbers.  Original No Name Robber enters to find Ty in a tizzy (a Ty-zzy?) because Carter (a/k/a Other No Name, a/k/a the Robber who actually killed Alejandro) isn’t returning his calls.  Original No Name confirms that he’s disposed of the guns, and advises that he also told his parents the truth, and they’re sending him to South America to avoid prosecution – Carter’s parents have already Alex Kelly’d his ass to Europe.  Ty’s shocked that the ERs are abandoning him, but Original No Name lays it out – Alejandro’s death was an accident, but now Ty’s talking about going after Valentina, and the others want no part of that crazy plan.  Ty’s all fine, I’ll handle things myself, and Original No Name, not unkindly, suggests that Ty needs to get back on his meds stat.  Can I get an amen?

LaLucci’s.  The diva herself floats in carrying glasses of champagne so that she and Zoila can celebrate.  Initially Zoila’s concerned, as booze is not so good for renal failure, but LaLucci busts out the good news about Pablo being her kidney donor.  Zoila’s happy, but wary – she thinks Pablo may be trying to win her back, and she’s not sure she wants him back – she thinks she’s in love with Javier.  LaLucci panics; she needs the kidney, and hey, Pablo’s Valentina’s father, and Zoila shouldn’t throw away 20 years of marriage and her favorite boss…so, one kidney for one ass, then.

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Watch What Crappens Podcast #136: Game of Crones


Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog) are here to mock the new Game of Thrones, Ladies of London, Real Housewives of Orange County and New York, and a tiny bit of Married to Medicine Reunion Part One. Come on in!

Want more RonnieK? In addition to co-hosting the Watch What Crappens Bravo Podcast, I’m recording Big Brother in 2 Minutes Video Re-Enactments. You can also find me on Twitter, Vine (@RonnieKaram) and Instagram.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!

game of crowns watch what crappens podcast