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Dance Moms Season 4 Midseason Finale Minicap: Theyyyy’re Heeeere!

Maddie BIG head ep 16 minicap

Hello my fabulous Trashmongers! Could we finally be at the Midseason finale of season 4? Why it seems like only yesterday we were listening to Mackenzie tell us she would rather hang out by the pool then dance. Sadly, they are now facing the biggest challenge of their lives now: going through puberty on NATIONAL TELEVISION (except for Mackenzie) and braces. How I feel their pain. Although I have seen much worse. Somehow I have spotted nary a zit on their faces. So no longer have the original group, minus Paige and Brooke, plus Kalani and Kendall. It’s a shame to see all of them go from being close as sisters to where they are at now. Those preteen years SUCK.

Last week Abby shot Mack Z’s video. You will have to see that one for yourself, but I will say she is adorable. Maddie was not so adorable in the video and the pajamas were a little unmatched. Who chose their outfits? Someone with a visual impairment obviously. Ever the classy Abby had it filmed at MELISSA’S HOUSE cackle cackle. Overall Mack did her best and was her little energetic self. Abby was Abby. They got to meet some of the other dance moms from another group at ALDC and one, whose daughter beat Mackenzie at the junior level and threw it in Melissa’s face, was thrown out by Melissa who moronically and selfishly started calling 911. Now that pisses me off because that is for emergencies, you stupid witch. Somewhere in Pittsburgh an ambulance may have arrived late because of your selfish, crazy ways if you had completed your dumb ass freaking call. The scores were not so wonderful at the competition either. The newly fabulous Larkin Studio who seemed to arrive from outer space, beat them and broke their winning streak. Oh and their dancers looked very close to the legal drinking age. That was also odd, because they were supposed to be 15. Maddie won overall solo and Chloe got fifth. Both solos were a tribute to Abby’s Mom as well as the group dance, which placed second. The mothers would not SHUT UP about the new team, the Larkin Studio team and I was seeing of Abby vibes stressing them out everywhere. The mothers were psyching the kids out too. I mean shuddup already. Somewhere along the way in the Mom’s room at the competition, Christi starts ranting about how the team is leaving Chloe out and they are not treating her like a friend anymore. The mothers argue, saying it is not true (Melissa sits looking smug and silent) and I am just happy they shut up about the NEW TEAM. Maddie told her she was not very good at her solo the day before when she was talking about the duet. Nice one Maddie. Great training from your Mom. Bravo, Melissa! Don’t worry, nothing can top your slutty ways. They call Abby and she is calm and says it was about her mother, not winning. I want her to stay on this medication. So let’s give a round of applause for whoever prescribed it, and please refill her prescriptions on a regular basis.

AND HERE WE ARE FOR THE MIDSEASON FINALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The original team is called into the studio and they are all decked out in these Abby Lee Miller jackets that look like very cheap Olympic team wannabe jackets and black booty short bottoms. Abby tries to milk out one last morsel of pity by announcing that her mother……. has died.
Okay so I gave her airtime. Next up. The pyramid. It went like this:

Bottom row: Chloe, Nia and Kalani
Chloe for getting fifth on her solo although Abby added she heard she should have gotten second or third, Nia because she still has a long way to go and Kalani because she looks beautiful in the group dance but that is about it.
Middle row: Kendall and Maddie
Kendall because she holds her own in the group and Maddie because Abby thinks she is a rock star. Which means MACK Z is at the top of the pyramid this week for shooting her video! Mack Z, in Abby’s mind, is going to be a REAL rock star and she will bank on it. Which means she gets to be at the top!!!!

Next up we have the new team! YAYYYYYY. We are now speaking in code. The original team is going to be called OT. The new team is going to be known as NT. Got it? Okay good.

Abby tells them dramatically their lives are about to change. We then get 25 beautiful seconds of this show without Abby’s voice. Then they walk out! THE NEW TEAM!!!!!!!!!! NT comes out in the same lame ass matching jackets, with leggings, crop tops and massive attitude. They are also wearing ten pounds of make-up each. Somewhere out there a Glamour Shots is still open and they found their make-up artist. The NT also includes new moms, some of which we have seen before. Each OT member is matched with a NT member who is going to be their direct competition. They are supposed to challenge them. This is where it gets nasty. First off, this blonde woman is there that Kira knows because they are both from the same Arizona studio. Her daughter is Sarah R. Kira starts getting totally suburban ghetto and ripping into this woman about her daughter out of the blue. Kira has proven herself to be a crazy skank after this episode, by the way. Nia is matched up with Sarah R and WOW Nia is in love with herself. She tells us with her mother’s sour lemon lips she can do all of these other dances and Sarah R can only do acro. Careful, Nia, you mentioned ballet and you sure as hell aren’t a ballerina in any shape or form. Knowing how to spell the word does not count. Kalani is matched with Jade, a very tall competition kid who has a mom that appears sane. Kendall is matched with Ava. Not sure if anyone remembers but Ava’s mom is Jeanette, and she is the one who visited the OT backstage a while back and I believe she told JILL her daughter was better than hers. Mackenzie is matched with Tea’, a very creepy looking little redhead who looks like the kid in The Orphan. It’s the ponytails and pancake make-up. Sarah H, who we saw in the video last week with her mom, Lumpy Dumpy Christy, is also matched with Mackenzie. Chloe is matched with Kamryn, a little brunette with long wavy hair and too many regional and overall titles to name. Her words. Maddie? Saved the best for last. Abby tells her to look at her team and say goodbye, then tells her to look at the new team and say hello to HER new team. She is just too good to be challenged so she is going to be on the NT to challenge THEM. Maddie tells us she is sad to leave her friends and Melissa looks all sorts of sad. They are headed to Energy Dance Competition in Youngstown, Ohio and the OT and NT will be competing against each other. OT is doing “The Royals” and NT is doing “The Good Life” a contemporary routine. Kalani and Kendall will be doing a duet, as will Sarah R and Ava. Chloe and Kamryn will be doing solos. All of the moms get called down separately from the kids shortly after the two teams and Moms meet each other and Abby gives the new moms the rundown on what their kids need to work on. They are pretty mean, but typical Abby, comments. That’s when Christy with the Y loses it and starts yelling at Abby like a madwoman and then fights with someone and then more fights come from that among the NT moms. Abby is laughing and sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth like an evil cartoon character. She is luvvin life. Kira starts in on Sarah R’s mother outside after the Mom meeting with Abby. The fighting just keeps getting worse and worse throughout the show and I recommend earplugs. This Christy with a Y woman is LOUD and I do mean LOUD. My ears are still ringing after last night’s show. The funny thing is now that Maddie is on the NT, the OT moms won’t stop bitching about her being gone. Um I’m sorry but for HOW long have you bitched about her BEING on your team? All of this madness and chaos makes for a very interesting long show, which I will fully recap in a couple of days. I really appreciate all of your comments on the show. You guys are the IT in the SH—! See you soon my pretties…

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!

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Mad Men Recap: Wasted Time

Helloooo, Trashies! And welcome to your seventh and final (sad horns) season of Mad Men. We left our friends on Thanksgiving of 1968 and change was afoot at SC&P. Don got Rumsen’d after trying to pitch Whore Chocolate to Hershey’s. Ted hit it and quit it with Pegs, then fled to California with his family to “start over.” Pete also dispatched himself to the left coast after alienating his family and losing his mom in a shady cruise ship accident. Joan got the Avon account, although you wouldn’t know it from actually watching the show. Megan quit her soap opera job to become a terrible actress in L.A. instead of a terrible actress in NYC.

So how is everyone faring? Is California the land of sunshine and dreams? Has Don pulled himself together and become a better man? Hahaha.

It’s January of 1969. We open with Freddy Rumsen making an intense pitch to Peggy for Accutron watches. Freddy: “The meeting is boring, but you can’t be.” He invokes Steve McQueen and says YES, the watch IS Swiss and it IS accurate. “Accutron: it’s not a timepiece, it’s a conversation piece.” Wow, Freddy’s come a long way from his usual “if you don’t buy this you’ll end up a dried-up spinster.”

MM71FreddyIntense“But I can say, if you don’t buy this, you’ll never get laid”

Peggy is impressed. She tells him it’s a home run and she’s surprised. Freddy says “there’s a nice way to say that and the way you just said it.” Heh. Peggy assures him it’s really good, but suggests they change the tag to “Accutron: it’s time for a conversation.” Freddy says that line is not as dramatic and it hides the benefit. They are interrupted by Peggy’s secretary, Shirley, telling her she has a status meeting to get to. Freddy says he’s gonna grab one more cup of coffee before he goes and Peggy chides him for putting the “free” in “freelancer.”

A phone rings endlessly at some kind of upscale flop house where a bunch of naked people are passed out. Is Betty recreating St. Marks in Westchester? No, it’s ROGER, and he’s NAKED and what the holy F???

MM71RogOrgyThe origins of “Reach out and touch someone”

He answers the phone and it’s Margaret, his bratty daughter.She wants to have brunch with him on Sunday. He offers to bring vodka and make bloody marys, but she wants to meet him in a restaurant. He suggests the Plaza and they agree to meet at 10:30. He hangs up and some naked hippie chick on the floor says “I really feel like we got somewhere last night.” Oh my goodness, what the hell, Roger? Just say no.

MM71HippieChickJust say no to the underage ho

Joan approaches an office door, through which we hear lots of yelling. It’s Kenny Cosgrove and he is screaming at minions, who scuttle out like cockroaches when he opens the door. Oh, and Ken still has an eye patch. I guess that would make me cranky too.

MM71KenYellKen! Cosgrove! Accounts! Fuck off!

He sends his secretary Clara down to the lobby to get him a buttered roll before complaining to Joan about how overworked he is. He has no time to even take a crap and he needs Joan to meet with the new marketing director at Butler shoes because if he did it, it would be like a demotion. Joan appreciates his confidence in her and agrees to the meeting.

Peggy and the creatives assemble for a status meeting in the office of Don’s replacement, Lou Avery. Remember, we met him coming off the elevator with Duck Phillips as Don got the boot. He makes a couple of unfunny uncle-type jokes before getting down to business.

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The Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: Sassy or Snoozefest?

Cassie making sour puss face Howdy Trashabelles! Tonight we say goodbye to our Southern Belles and Bitches. Are we happy? Sad? Or do we care AT ALL? This show has been up and down all season so tonight’s episode should give us an idea if we will be seeing this crew, frizzies and all, again. If you missed last week’s episode, the sad surprise was that Erika started to regret giving Jenny her own version of hell (nasty looks) and Jenny is convinced that Erika came at her. Psycho. There was a modeling show with Gary and Cassie Chapman for Agape Animal Rescue that was fun. The dogs stole the show and I was reminded once again how badly Bryan White dresses. Ana decided she wanted to do some serious man hunting so they tried some online service. It could have been WAY more comical than it actually was.

We are off tonight to a roaring start. We are strolling along with Erika and Cassie to Betty’s studio. There are paintings of naked women and some weird forms of “art” here and there. I am looking for her jewelry but apparently she decided not to display it for this last episode. Or someone refused to let her. They sit and discuss Jenny and Erika’s relationship and that they all need to meet and work things out. Why? Well this is the finale that’s why and as we have seen so far, TNT wants to give us nice, neat and tidy little ending. J.T. and Jenny are at the tree house talking about Jenny possibly being knocked up. Last week they decided to have another baby. Is she or isn’t she? J.T. runs to the dollar store to get a pregnancy test and surprise! She is indeed pregnant.

Erika side eye

Erika does not want to hear the details on Jenny’s pregnancy

Ugh. I guess I am supposed to be all excited but all I can think of is how Jenny just might create a Mini-Me. What have we done to deserve such punishment? It’s bad enough looking at those hooded beady eyes every episode. Erika has finally decided to get back into the BIZ and meets with Carey, a very important talent manager in Nashville. Carey doesn’t pull any punches and when she asks her what she had been doing to get back into acting and Erika says nothing, she pretty much tells her she better get it together because it is something she has to put 110% into. Erika tells us she is determined to do it. Sarah drops by Jenny’s to dish and Ole Red, aka J.T. gives her a hug that is a little too friendly. They talk about the divorce and that she is singing at the Bluebird Café. This is a very big deal. Up–and-coming songwriters as well as already successful, established ones play here. Taylor Swift performed and was discovered there. Sarah is very excited but she hasn’t talked to Dallas and she says there is one song that is going to be hard to sing called “Get Out.” Guess that means we will be listening to this song later in the show while she tries not to cry in front of the camera. Back we are with Erika, who is at her house talking to Bryan. She tells him about what she has done to get back into acting and he tells her he believes in her. Is it me or does Bryan look extremely depressed in this scene? He has his guitar so maybe he was singing a sad song before she popped up. Oh well. We are at the Bluebird now where the band and Sarah are practicing. She looks way nervous but on the plus side, she can always stress eat because God knows there is some good food in Nashville to binge on.

The show starts and the place is packed. How far she has come since she played at a cheesy steakhouse with three people there! She sounds great. Now we get to the sad song, “Get Out”. This is supposedly about Dallas. I must say, this song is a great break-up song. We see flashes of her and Dallas together where they actually look like they have feelings for each other.

Dallas smirking

Dallas giving Sarah the EYE

We even see a tear form in her eye. Now for the fun at Cassie’s. Erika shows up and they talk about Jenny and that situation. Meaning Jenny is a bitch and how Erika should handle it. Then the twins arrive along with Sarah, dressed all kinds of ugly. Jenny tramples in. Erika starts to talk to her the minute she gets in the door about the whole situation with Jenny attacking her pretty much the entire time in Chicago. And everywhere else. Jenny, the delusional bitch that she is, tells us she is praying that Erika will be fun and normal today. Jenny believes nasty and bitchy are normal and fun. Then they all head outside to guzzle Margaritas and pitifully try to work these very simple problems out. Erika starts by telling Jenny what upset her in Chicago and on the bus, which is basically everything Jenny does EVERY TIME she sees her. Attack, criticize and bitch. Of course Jenny tells Erika she acts like she isn’t being herself, and of course Ana and Betty chime in and are not taking Erika’s side. Erika tells Jenny she would love for them to hang out and get to know each other more. WHY?? Jenny tells Erika this is the first time she had heard Erika talk about wanting to be her friend and she had heard Erika say to her several times she had enough friends. Ouch. Jenny tells us that if they continue to be honest with each other then they will move forward. Why the hell ANYONE would want to go out of their way to suck up to Jenny is beyond me. Erika’s self-esteem is even lower than I thought. Sarah takes a moment to cry about how important her show was to her and how thankful she was that they went. Ana rambles to us and tries to sound intelligent and fails. Jenny announces she is pregnant. All of them are excited, some more than others. Moving to Ana, she starts crying about being alone. This show has the WORST sense of timing.

PLONW finale Ana on scooter

Ana should try blending in a little bit more

Sarah goes into pageant mode and gives her a pep talk. Then she does a goody two shoes toast to happiness for all of them. Betty brought piñatas and they are all very excited about beating the hell out of them. Then they all yammer about what they have learned from being on this show. That maybe they should have thrown some punches to guarantee a season 2 maybe? These piñatas are filled with candy, liquor and condoms by the way. I want one. Cassie says this year will go down as the year she became herself from being a new mom and getting involved in the community. Erika has realized she can be a good mom and doesn’t have to be a stay at home mom to do it. Betty talks about how she realized her and her twin need to form their own identities because they are two different women. I am hoping this means at least Betty will quit dressing like 12 shades of ugly. Sarah tells us how performing has taken on a whole new meaning since she got divorced. Jenny thinks she has come out of this whole thing a better person. That makes sense. Surely she can’t get any worse? Then Ana talks about how that day brought them back together. Yay. Does this mean we will see them in the future?

PLNW Jenny finale confused

Only time will tell. Personally, I think they kept their private lives a little too private for us to get to know them or their husbands.  There are definitely some likeable people in this cast but it seems like they kept their doors shut to the cameras more often than not.

Missed last week’s episode? You can catch up by clicking here.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!

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MiniCap: Drag Race

Welcome back, Trashmii! Recovered from last week’s RuPersized episodes? Still laughing and laughing at just how deeply Laganja doesn’t get it? Ready for this week? Let’s go.

Rupauls Drag race Minicap rupaul message 6-9

First up, they’ve edited Ru’s message to the queens and I’m not going to lie, it seemed lacking. But onward! Mini challenge features not 2, not 4 but 10 guys of different shapes and, um, sizes, to please everyone in the audience. They’re playing “Hungman” because Ru’s 12. Each guy has a letter taped to his ass and after Ru reads a clue, they turn around, one at a time, to reveal the word while the queens guess.

It’s not the same as “What’cha Packin” but it gets the job done as the queens seem quite happy to see so many mens wearing teeny, tiny briefs. One queen wins some eyelashes while Bianca probably had to write an apology to her good friend, Lady Bunny.

Main challenge brings back the talk show challenge from the first season, only the budget’s way bigger so the set looks professional. Chaz Bono and his grandmother, Cher’s mother, singer Georgia Holt are the guests. Most queens perform as you’d expect except for one who has an uncharacteristically mediocre showing. Meanwhile, the bottom two is kind of a surprise.

Rupauls Drag race Minicap joslyn fox and pit crew 6-9

Untucked provided some insight into how the judges may not be the only ones who don’t get, or don’t remember, what it’s like to be a baby queen with limited experience and resources to build an over-the-top drag wardrobe, and everyone starts noticing that Darienne’s kind of  a stank bitch.

Also, since there’s nowhere for this in the full recap, and I might be a day late (and a dollar short?) this week, please enjoy this video about Bianca del Rio, the hardest working costumer in America. Just in case you didn’t love Bianca enough already:

 

Full recap will be up in a few days. Until then, you can catch up on last week’s recaps here and here.

And feel free to follow me on Twitter.

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Private Live of Nashville Wives Episode 8 finale minicap: End of the Road

PLONW EP 8 Finale

Hello Trashabelles! We have finally hit the end of the road with our Private Lives of Nashville Wives final episode of Season 1. All I can say is I want this series to go out with a bang and not fizzle out. The last episode held some great possibilities, but missed the opportunity to really make its mark. So I have been a bit teed at this show since the last episode. I am hoping tonight we have Erika FINALLY stand her ground and by that it means cutting Jenny off and putting this ridiculously mean girl in her place and having no regrets. Period. Jenny, as we know, will do anything she wants and she can always justify it, vocally and in the fluffy head of hers. Somewhere in 8th grade she lost touch with reality and decided it was okay to act like a bully on the school bus or ANYWHERE. Like other rabid bullies of the past and present, she collects other morons (yes Ana you have played that role here and there) who will not only justify whatever she says to any of her unfortunate victims but who are idiotic enough to join her. THAT, Trashabelles is TRASHY. Bullies and Mean Girls will never be classy, no matter how much they try to convince themselves for whatever reason. So TAKE THAT and fly away, bitches!

So now let’s look at last week’s episode. After a very deliciously snarky kind of fight on Episode 6, they completely cut that off and showed the next day on Episode 7. Instead, it’s the day after and Erika started having regrets about having stood up for herself with Jenny. She even had some tears. She talked about it on the bus and the girls told she had nothing to be sorry for. But NOOOOOO Erika told us she STILL wanted to be friends with Jenny!!! I am betting she just wants the woman to stfu when she is around her. I hope that’s the plan. I too, would like Jenny to STFU. If she believes Jenny would ever make a real friend I will have to let her know that the Easter Bunny is also not real. Sarah sang some more songs in her recording studio and seemed to be moving along just fine. Unfortunately we are forced to see Jenny skyping with her husband from her business trip (uh huh) and she told him she was afraid Erika was going to come at her physically at the hotel in Chicago. Hilarious. Yes the woman is beyond delusional. Thank God the other women didn’t have to ride the bus back with her. Cassie and Gary invited Erika to come to the Agape Glitter and Glam show fundraiser. Agape rescues dogs and helps them find their forever homes. Oh and Erika confided to us that she felt like she was getting her backbone back and it’s okay to if she stood up for herself! This better not be an empty promise, Erika. Ana and Betty’s story line revolved around Ana and her single self. She wants a good man. Good luck! She got on some online dating service and blah blah blah overall it went okay. Cassie and Gary did a great job modeling in the Agape Glitter and Glam show, complete with dogs. It was just too cute. The women came to support her along with a couple of husbands. We ended this show with Jenny at her treehouse, who agreed to have another baby. With J.T., by the way. I just don’t know what to do with this man. Clearly he has a bitch fetish.

Opening on the finale starts with Erika and Cassie at Betty’s. Not much there but they talk about how unreal it was for Jenny to dig into Erika yet AGAIN. Clearly Jenny needs therapy and a hobby. Now to J.T. and Jenny yapping about making babies. I so hate that expression. It makes it sound like they are working on a science project. He runs off and buys her a pregnancy test. Oh dear. She is pregnant. All I can say it is amazing what can happen after five minutes of jerky movements. If this show is renewed, I guarantee you she is going to be so frighteningly bitchy that she will give Nene Leakes a run for her money. Then oh joy! Jenny arrives at Sarah’s to gossip. I am not liking how much Sarah seems to like to listen to this stuff. She is singing at the Bluebird Café which she is all excited about. She is still having a hard time with her situation with Dallas. Looks like that one is going to be a long rough road, although she has worn a great game face throughout this season. Erika has a chat at their house with Bryan and he is extremely supportive about her getting back in the biz. It’s been ten years so clearly she will be starting all over again in some ways. Now Sarah is at the Bluebird singing. I am wondering if the food is any good. She sings well and sheds some tears. Sniffy sniff. Cassie has the women over to clear the air about Chicago, which I am hoping means Jenny will be tormented and ripped apart 50 billion ways. We shall see. Be sure to check in when the entire recap, from start to finish, posts in a couple of days.
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!

Do you love reading the comments on these recaps as much as we do? Go over to our Commentgasm page to nominate for your favorite comment of the week!

Marriage Boot Camp 2.6: Spouse Swap

Salutations! Suppose I swore that swapping spouses should save your state of association? Well, if I did, I would be using alliteration to describe this week’s episode of Marriage Boot Camp. Yup, like the show from 2007-era America, we are about to get Wife Swapped up in this biz-nitch.

wifeswapSad trombone. No crazy ladies yelling about gargoyles and Jesus.

Evening in the house. The Directors say couples usually think the grass is greener on the other side and therefore there is one more thing before the couples head off for another night of sleep under insults they said to one another (that must be feeling pretty old by now): the couples are going to spend the night away from their partner and with someone elses spouse. They must mean physically, because  many have already mentally checked out.

Mai Lee says the day Tomas spends the night with someone else is the day he can take his divorce papers with him. Hear that Tomas? Just get some shut eye in a Motel 6 with a chick you meet at a car show. Then you are free.

The Directors say that they have carefully chosen new partners for each of them. Mai Lee is up first and she is paired with Mark. Note to Mai Lee, wear a helmet to bed. Gloria scrunches up her nose. Please let Gloria be paired with Jeff. Mark says her jealousy issues are off the chart. Not so for her IQ.

Gloria is paired up with Shaun and she actually earns a cool point by winking suggestively at Shaun as a joke. She could have done a lot worse, and she knows it. Gloria says Shaun is a man and Mark is a schoolgirl. OK, hand back your point for being an ass.

LaTashijuana (who will get a new name in every reference for this recap) gets paired with Sunglasses. Dude, if they sleep in the same bed, Sunglasses could crush her just by rolling over. Note to LaTijuana, wear a full suit of armor. Blanca is glad that Sunglasses will see that at least she isn’t crying every 5 minutes. No, the person crying is Sunglasses for making such a huge mistake. OHHHH, BURN!

Next up is my inspiration for masturbation, Sophia. Who is the lucky S.O.B. that gets to breathe in her nighttime farts and slowly caress her face after she has fallen asleep? Tomas! HAHAHA. I am happy for this only because it enrages Mai Lee. She says “That is not going to happen!” Oh, it is happening, and it is glorious. She says she does not want him with one of the prettier girls in the house. In other words, she’d have been fine with Blanca. OOOHHHH, BURN 2!

Blanca is up next and, as if this guy has not suffered enough already, is paired with Jeff! Note to Jeff: Bring the Taser from your days on the force. In a cutaway, Blanca says the grass just turned brown. Yeah, and so did your underwear.

mustardSo let me get this straight, it was Colonel Mustard in the library with a lead pipe…and I have to sleep with Jeff?

The Directors say that each of them need to have intimate conversations with someone who is not their partner. In Blanca’s case, that means what she wants for breakfast. Mai Lee says that there is no intimate conversation Tomas needs to know about. Mai Lee says that no matter what, she is sleeping with her husband tonight and that she isn’t that far past her jealously yet. Tomas, in an interview, just says “Here we go.”

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Survivor in 2 Minutes #7: But I’m Pretty!!

In this week’s Survivor in 2 Minutes: A pretty girl gets ugly and a chain restaurant tries to food poison the contestants.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our gifs on Tumblr!

Want more RonnieK? I just finished recapping The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am co-hosting the Watch What Crappens Bravo Podcast.

survivor in 2 minutes funny recap hilarious spoof parody trashtalktv ronnie karam free episode streaming online 2

Flipping Out Recap: Styx a G**Damn Fork In It!

Well hello there, readers! MissKitty here. Before I begin, I must tell you that I LOVE my readers, and I read all your comments! I do! I don’t comment under your comments, because my TTTV user name is recognizable as someone who has been making comments for years, and I still use that alias! Who AM I? I’ll never te-hell (sing song)

Ill never tell

Aw. RIP Brittany.

Anyway, join me now, as I hitch down the shoulder of my ruffled Western dress, pour myself some Haterade and write about my favorite subject:

 

me

 Heh, heh

No! I mean the gang from Flipping Out…

We open at Gramercy where Jeff is browbeating Gage over photos of the house Gage is supposed to send to the realtor lady, Carrie (Jeff’s sister-in-law). Gage insists he sent them, but he doesn’t really sound that convincing.

gagewhatphotos

“Photos? What phot.. I mean, yes, I sent them over already.”

 

Hmmm.. I wonder. It’s not exactly a secret that he doesn’t want to leave Gramercy. Andrew feels bad for Gage, even though “they’re not friends”, and you can feel him beaming through the TV the secret hope that Gage will see this and fall all over Andrew with assurances that yes, they are friends, of COURSE they are!

 

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Watch What Crappens Podcast #122: Ghost In The Machine

Ben Mandelker (twitter.com/bsideblog) and Ronnie Karam (trashtalktv.com) reunite in a semi-bonkers late-night episode of “Watch What Crappens.” The guys take on the latest episode of “Real Housewives of New York City,” from crazy Aviva to annoying Amanda and everything in between. Be on the lookout for an extended Ramona-in-Africa fantasy sequence.

Then it’s on to “Married to Medicine” where Ben and Ronnie welcome Dr. Heavenly into the fold by giving her a thorough “Crappens” read. Dr. Jackie gets into the mix too with her fat-shaming.

Things then wrap up with “Real Housewives of Atlanta” as Kandi heads into therapy and Kenya says goodbye to dearly departed Velvet :(

If that’s not enough, the guys go through all of Bravo’s new programming slate, analyzing the shows that did (and did not) make the cut. Plus, Ben has a long yarn about meeting Top Chef: DC’s Tiffany Derry in New Orleans.

Definitely listen to this one!

Check out our Crappens Facebook page for announcements and to hang out with us and other listeners. Also follow us on Twitter to ask us stuff and talk crap.

 

Want more RonnieK? I’m also producing weekly Survivor in 2 Minutes parody videos.

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RHONY: There’s Something About What’s-Her-Name.

 

Hi, you fabulous trash talkers, you! First off, a giant thanks to MisRed for covering my ass (and assholes) last week. Your recap was HILARIOUS and made me titter like a naughty school girl! I’m adding glitter to my “MisRed for TrashtalkTV Homecoming Queen” poster as we speak.

I apologize that my real life has gotten in the way of my TV watching life. I, like Aviva, have to move into a new Jambe-A-Terre. And I, like Aviva, have a vagina. Those are the only two things we have in common. My moving experience is nothing like her charmed, fake “hard” one. If I don’t find a place to live soon, I’m going to have to start doing these recaps from a BestBuy show room.

1126tvsThe Real TrashtalkTV Recappers of Best Buy

So, I was certain that in the two weeks I went M.I.A, the NY ladies must have put #Bookgate 2014 behind them, right? Neti. As the episode begins, we are thrust, once again, into the eternal struggle between authors and ghosts, but, at least, we are at Countess Lu’s Hampton’s home for a little change of scenery.

So, whats-her-face (I’m not going to dignify Aviva’s Image Consultant with a name anymore – “The Network Bankrupter” is now too good for her) doesn’t realize her audition for the show was over 3 episodes ago. She is going down in a fireball of humiliation in her attempt to meddle in Aviva and Carole’s fight. It’s delicious.

Screen Shot 2014-04-09 at 7.04.30 AMWhen anyone uses the “I’m picking up a pair of dirty underwear” hands, it means they’re crazy. It’s a fact. The more you know.

Heather asks saggy tits who she is and why she has made such a bad impression on everyone (GREAT question). Whats-her face says she doesn’t have to worry about making a “good first impression.” Apparently “nullum Imaginis”  is  Image Consultant School’s motto. PS. I wish I knew Latin. That joke would have killed.

Sonya (because she still jealous of Harry Dubin flirting with whatchamacallit) starts to openly mock her on the whole “I don’t need to make a good first impression because I’m an Image Consultant” thing. IC Broad is flabbergasted.

IMG_1232“When being outwitted, FREEZE like a blow up doll.” – Sun Tzu

Nameless One then storms out of the room, misses a step and stumbles, thus crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s on the metaphor for her entire existence.

Aviva’s husband, Reeeeeed, enters the fray and starts getting into it with Heather. Nom de dumb then totally SERVES Sun Tzu with THIS brilliant battle strategy:

IMG_1269Mock one’s enemy from behind with goofy faces. 

Eventually she just pouts on the sofa, worn down by Heather’s wrangling and (the population of Earth’s) superior intellect.

IMG_1248

What is “she?” you ask? I don’t know, but I think we’re going to need a bigger net.

Aviva enters the kitchen and make a sarcastic toast about women putting “pen to paper.” Pink lady tries to give Carole a glass of wine so she can join in on the toast and Carole utters the best line of the episode:

IMG_1263Haha, “Mindy.” Burn.

Aviva says that Heather is Carole’s “big femme fatale bodyguard.” Either Aviva doesn’t know the meaning of “Femme Fatale” or she has been driven just as crazy as the rest of us with this never-ending fight. Heather refers to Aviva’s “bodyguard,” she-fail,  by asking “how about your minion up YOUR ass?” Okay, I’m warming to Heather.

The Countess’ BBQ from Hell (redundant, yet apt) ends by Heather getting all 90′s gansta in Aviva’s face.

IMG_1280

 Word. 

I’m sick of hearing all the ladies say Heather has “street cred.” If just living in one’s past glory days and dropping F bombs gives one “street creed,” then I’m a motherfucking Crip, yo.

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