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RHOA Recap: Reunion Parts 2 and 3

On the first part of the reunion, Porsha was ejected for trying to forcibly donate Kenya’s hair to an Indian deity. NeNe was pissed that a possum died on her head. Phaedra showed us how many synonyms there are for the word “whore” and Kandi and Cynthia patiently waited for their turn to be humiliated.

Kenya gives a speech stating that she’s against violence especially towards women. Tell that to my eyeballs who are assaulted each time we get a flashback of you in that garish lipstick from episodes 1-4. She says that she had to fight her entire life.

kenya porsha
“Except last week. Last week I just took it.”

Kandi mocks her Color Purple influenced speech and Phaedra says that Kenya tends to provoke people. Kenya reveals that NeNe called her last year to specifically go after Phaedra. NeNe cuts her off, much like she did Sheree when they had their huge fight when NeNe was accused of doing her dirty, and claims that if she has an issue with someone she’ll tell them. She warns Kenya to stop before she gets Porsha and Kenya tells her that she’ll get Marlo. That ends the conversation very quickly since NeNe forgot to pack her sneakers and stun gun.

A viewer asks Kandi and Phaedra why they were quick to mock Chuck’s penis size but had ‘dated’ him repeatedly. Kandi says she wasn’t his slut bucket and Phaedra thinks he’s trying to resuscitate a failed football career. NeNe is asked about repeating the rumor that Phaedra was known as the head doctor in Athens.  NeNe called Phaedra and apologized. Phaedra says that was never a rumor because she was very smart and didn’t hang around people that NeNe would know. First of all, smart girls can give head and study. Secondly, Phaedra is basically saying they didn’t know each other back in Athens. Kenya jumps in and says that the ‘head doctor’ comments were in court documents. Andy, eager to not get sued this year, cuts off talk of court docs and Phaedra goes after Kenya.

Phaedra says Kenya will never be a housewife because she has no husband. Those taunts are so old. First of all, not every woman wants a husband and secondly, what good is one who primarily commits crimes and funds stripper’s boob jobs? Kenya says she doesn’t have to look far for one because someone’s husband likes to stray. He doesn’t stray Kenya’s way according to Phaedra because she’s a barren woman. I just don’t know what to think about that. It seems like a really low blow. It’s almost like going after someone’s physical disability. Anyway, Kenya doesn’t think that’s very Christian of her but it actually is. That’s a super Biblical diss. Barren? Who’s even said that since the Old Testament?

 Momma Joyce is there. They say she looks great and Andy asks how she lost 40 pounds.

 RHOA reunion 04.27.2014 Momma Joyce audition
“Crack, bitch!”

And stress. Momma Joyce is ready for the wedding which she passive aggressively says is in two weeks, but it’s actually in one week. He asks about remorse and the only remorse she has is about the upcoming wedding. Momma Joyce said that the public didn’t give her any problems regarding her behavior except for when they said she tried to set Todd up. Incidentally, this was the only situation not actually caught on camera or on a voicemail. Andy incredulously asks if that was really the only time because there was that whole “Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no valley low enough…” incident. She says that they retweeted it and in her mind that apparently equals success and acceptance. Kandi refutes this and says that Momma Joyce was mad about all the stuff on Twitter.

RHOA reunion 04.27.2014 Momma Joyce
I, Momma Joyce, swear on my daughter’s ring that she settled for cuz Todd ain’t got no money, that I was not mad.”

They ask her about the threatening voicemail she left Karmon and Momma Joyce says that she hasn’t dragged a heifer in a while but she can wrap up a good wig. Andy sticks to the no violence tagline although this season has profited from all sorts of implied and actual violence. She excuses threatening Phaedra by saying that it would have been private and in her office. That’s a good point because nowadays no one is going to that donkey booty office for legal assistance.

A question comes in from a viewer who is a 71-year old mother of four. Joyce dismisses her as being old. Another viewer , Catherine, asks about her dislike of Kandi’s men and Joyce says that AJ, ex deceased fiance from her first season on the show, had two kids when they first met and then ended up with six when it was all said and done. Momma Joyce asks who in the hell is Catherine and tells Andy to flip the page. Joyce say she would put Todd in same category of her son if he was still alive. As a matter of fact, she’d push him on Kenya or Cynthia.

RHOA reunion 04.27.2014 Cynthia explains it all
Cynthia: Sorry, I’m married.

RHOA reunion 04.27.2014 momma joyce and kandi play nice
Momma Joyce: I know. You can do better.

Andy asks if she’d give him a shot and she says if he swung that way, she would.

RHOA reunion 04.27.2014 momma joyce and kandi duet 2
Kandi: You do realize he’d have to spread-
Momma Joyce: And insert? I know. I saw Rent

We also learn that Todd’s mom isn’t crazy about Joyce and called her a bitch at a restaurant. Joyce wanted to jump across the table but claims she thought about the bread and realized that his mom has nothing and stopped herself. Kandi stops her and says that they had to hold her back. Again.

RHOA reunion 04.27.2014 momma joyce and kandi duet
Kandi: You were throwing up gang signs!
Joyce: What can I say? I’m an O.G.

She’s also annoyed at Cynthia for implying that Kandi supports her. Cynthia apologizes because she’s already had one boob ripped out of her dress today. Joyce informs the world that she has diamonds, bonds and a paid off house. Kandi interrupts to make it clear that she has helped her mom in the past and Momma Joyce even had a credit card or two in Kandi’s name that Kandi did not know about. Momma Joyce brushes it off by saying it was only one time. Joyce acknowledges that Kandi gave her money but says it was only $700 per month. Kandi says that was because she was spending too much on gambling, MMA lessons and Home Shopping Network.

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RHOA Recap: Reunion Pt. 1

Ready for a gown full of crazy? It’s the long-awaited reunion. Let’s see if these broads can deliver on all of the media hype.

The reunion starts with Andy greeting all of the ladies as usual. First, let’s discuss the fashions. Last year I thought every single woman looked great. This year…not so much. Phaedra’s blue dress reminds me of a 1970′s tuxedo, NeNe’s lace front wig makes her look like a Supreme Court justice from the 1800′s, Kandi and Cynthia look like they’re about to put on sequins headbands and put on the very first Real Housewives dance recital and Kenya’s dress top looks like something out of Joan Crawford’s closet. In 1985. I’m not saying that they look bad but they’re not as stunning as last year. Porsha actually looks as good or even better. Too bad she didn’t get the memo about, you know, not trying to kill people on camera.

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 Porsha RIM“I am a fembot. I am programmed to kill.”

Andy introduces all of the ‘wives and calls NeNe “Linethia” which sends her into a thinly veiled tizzy. She responds by calling him Andrew which doesn’t bother him at all because being called one’s legal name is better than being at home with minimal talent, an old man and a Thomas Jefferson wig *hint hint*.

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 NeNe reads Andy
“It took one minute for the lady at the mall to add this ponytail scrunchie to the back of my head.”

He questions Porsha’s new look AKA her breast implants, and instead of answering whether they’re new or not she’s coy with her response. She invites him to smell them. I imagine she’s referencing new car smell but I can’t help but imagine that they smell like hot underboob that’s been in the sun too long. Based on Andy’s face, I think he has the same idea.

Of course NeNe gets the first question and it’s regarding her health. She had a pulmonary embolism and now takes blood thinners to make sure that her “blood is thin”. Thanks for the explanation. Maybe she can be in those Captain Obvious hotel commercials. A captain’s hat would be an improvement right about now. NeNe’s okay though. She just has to take pills, walk around the plane every hour and wear compression socks but don’t forget y’all; she can get pregnant tomorrow!

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 NeNe attitude
“I just felt an egg drop. Bloop!”

A viewer asks why the ladies are twerking when they’re two stops from 50.

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 Porsha RIM“I’m not two stops away. I’m taking the local bus.”

They agree that age shouldn’t matter and another viewer tells Cynthia that she should be ashamed because she can’t twerk and she dances like an old White lady. She doesn’t think she’s all that bad and I’m impressed that Andy can keep a straight face when he and his bitchy friends probably wrote all of these questions.

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 Andy primping
Danny from the king-sized bed in my penthouse hotel room asks: can Andy get any hotter?”

There’s a question about Kenya’s butt being real and no one will take credit for ever having touched it to verify this. She still doesn’t confirm or deny it and says that it’s a compliment that people think it’s fake. Phaedra, the self-proclaimed donkologist, says that she has a diaper booty. Kenya asserts that she’s never been kicked out of a bedroom but stops short of acknowledging if she’s ever been invited into one. She reiterates that she doesn’t have to go after anyone else’s man because she has no problem getting dick. Phaedra says that maybe one day Mr. Invisible will show up. I’m not sure what’s worse; a totally invisible man or one who just disappears for 10-20.

Kandi and Todd’s relationship gets a recap. NeNe won’t admit to being shady regarding not wanting to do a Kandi Burruss production and blames Kenya for calling it a chitlin’ circuit play. Kandi says that she wasn’t offended because they’re not that friendly and doubts NeNe would want to work for her. NeNe can’t just let that go and says that it has nothing to do with that. She turns down work all of the time. Yeah, about that…maybe you should take a job so you can afford a hairstylist who doesn’t hate you. Cynthia defends calling Todd an opportunist by saying that even though the word wasn’t used, it was implied. She says that she doesn’t know Todd to say if he is or isn’t an opportunist.

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 Cynthia happy
“I’m just glad that Peter has never used me!”

Andy mentions NeNe being the official time-keeper of the season. She thinks that lateness is rude and even though she was late to Kandi’s event, she doesn’t address it and says that others were excessively late on a consistent basis. Typical NeNe, she can dish it out but can’t eat it without the steam loosening her lace front glue.

Andy asks a viewer question about Kandi stopping for a sandwich on the way to NeNe’s for the Savannah trip. She felt that it was okay because Phaedra was running late too. This leads to a question of Kenya’s comments on Kandi’s weight. Kenya the kook denies ever commenting on her weight and says that she always tells Kandi that she’s built like a brickhouse…full of sandwiches and pie. Kandi says that others are wider than her and the camera shadily pans to NeNe. Kandi says that NeNe had no place to comment on her sandwich consumption since her shape is no better than hers.

RHOA reunion NeNe face
“I’m big-boned bitch.”

Kenya gets a recap of her Velvet storyline. She says that she didn’t invite Phaedra, Porsha or NeNe to the funeral because the show had started to air at that point and she learned what was said about her on the show. Porsha and Phaedra say that they did send condolences and Phaedra even manages to plug her pet burying business.

RHOA Reunion S6EP1 Phaedra dismissing
“Everybody knows I can bury a dog quicker than I buried evidence of my involvement in Apollo’s fraud case.”

She says that Velvet was probably one of Kenya’s only friends. Kenya is suddenly offended even though she’s been treating Velvet’s death as if she’s walking around with the dog’s kidney inside of her. All of a sudden, Velvet is just a dog and it isn’t appropriate to suggest that they were buddies. They start arguing and Kenya tells her to shut up. Phaedra says that only her mom can make her shut up and says that Kenya is no one’s mother. Ouch. NeNe did not offer her condolences but she did have a meaningless conversation about doing something so dumb a ten-year old wouldn’t have suggested it. She wanted the girls to get together and buy her a dog. First, that’s dumb. Second, how broke is she that she wanted to go fifths on a dog?

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Chrisley Knows Best: Hey Chloe, It’s Your Birthday!

This week is the Chrisley Knows Best finale! With the second season on its way, I have a feeling we won’t even have a chance to miss this family before they are back on USA Network. Plus, this was a pretty lame finale as far as finales go. If the department store was real, they would have had an opening during this episode.

Before we get to this week’s recap, sooo many things have been ‘a buzz on the internets regarding the Chrisleys.  This week we learned that Kyle and Nosejob #1 are not Julie’s children, but Todd’s from a first marriage that ended in 1996. There was even a domestic family case between Todd and his first wife Teresa Lynn Chrisley a year before they ended their marriage. Teresa changed her name to Teresa Terry, remarried, and is living in Oklahoma. C’mon Teresa, stop hiding and tell us about the REAL Todd. I want to see her with a Newport in one hand and a Natty Light in the other on the front page of People Magazine STAT. She could be best friends with Tan Mom or date Michael Lohan. But I am guessing she is a normal, Southern, pearl-wearing, sweet tea-drinking lady with monogrammed tits that got out of the marriage as soon as Todd started borrowing her costume jewelry.

 

pat southern charm teresa chrisley knows bestHe was packing Praline fudge! Bless his heart. 

The same year Todd and Teresa’s divorce was final, he married Julie. Busy year. There is a pre-nup between Todd and Julie that has been revised THREE TIMES. According to legal docs, Todd now owns zero dollars of the household belongings—all personal property is priority of the wife. That is a huge red flag for hiding assets. It’s like Todd and Julie are trying to play capture the red flag with creditors and lawyers right now. This makes me think they have been planning this scam a looooong time. If Julie is independently wealthy, then signing a pre-nup at the beginning makes sense. Updating it a bunch to make sure Todd is legally broke does not. What better way to have it all blow up in your face than to go on national television and talk about how rich you are? If Teresa Giudice could do it all over again, I bet she wouldn’t. Just saying.

 

teresa joe giudice bathtub todd chrisley knows best bankruptcy-OptimizedCheers!

And Grandma Faye’s house went into foreclosure this week as part of Todd’s bankruptcy case. Isn’t he the best son EVER?? It might be time to hit up Catherine’s bank and children for a new place to live.

The internet also found pictures of Chloe’s mom Angela and Kyle’s mug shots. Those two crazy kids. It seems like they may have had their own restraining order squabbles, but they seem like innocents to me. Especially Angela and Chloe. Kyle got a pass for a little while because of the whole Samoa thing, but he was arrested for allegedly assaulting a woman (not Angela) and that’s scary. It must have been an off night at Magic City.

 

todd chrisley knows best skeletons in the closet-Optimized

Todd’s closet. 

Ok, so back to the show. For the finale we are celebrating baby Chloe’s first birthday! I knew from the start that Todd was going to make this all about him. Julie tells Todd how difficult it is to plan the party, and he takes it upon himself to bet Julie he can plan a better party than she can.  The caveat is that Todd has to plan this whole thing on his own, which we know is impossible. Todd’s entire reasoning behind throwing a 1 year old a huge outlandish party is that he does’t want to tell his granddaughter at her sweet 16 that she had a bootleg 1st birthday party. If during your granddaughter’s sweet sixteen she complains about her first birthday party, punch her in the face. Or just blame Kyle.

Todd and Chase are off to plan the Princess Party. This seems to only take two short steps: the first is calling Grandma Faye to let her know her house is in foreclosure—I mean, make her bake a cake for Chloe—the second is going to the grocery store. If the party isn’t today, won’t the food go bad? What about picking a date and sending out invitations? Todd and Chase are in the car on their way to the store, but neither of them can figure out how to work the navigation system in the car. Neither of them knows where the grocery story is either. They end up at a health food store and there is nothing for them to buy for the party. Chase also insists that coconut milk and milk are the same thing. Dumbass.

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RHOA Recap: A Finale and a Funeral

It’s been a long and interesting season. Shoes have been thrown, threats have been issued and friendships have been ruined and that was just in one episode! Tonight, all will be wrapped up in what is basically a filler episode until the crazy reunion.

Todd arrives home with backpack in tow. What’s up with RHOA men and backpacks? Todd better not stand too close to a school bus or he might end up in the backseat of a distracted mom’s minivan. Kandi is practicing a song for her play which is in two days. Todd says that ticket sales are slow and she hopes they sell out so Momma Joyce can see that their project together was successful. Although they spoke, Todd thinks Momma Joyce was just going through the motions with him. They start talking about the prenup and Kandi says most people just receive it and sign it. Todd is surprised that Apollo and Peter signed their prenups without questioning them. I’m 84% sure recklessly signing things is why they’re both in their respective predicaments. Kandi explains that all of her pre-marriage money belongs to her and their joint income will be split. Todd says he’s okay with it as long as it’s fair. This is why I’m not totally convinced that Momma Joyce is wrong about him. I think he’s genuine so I’m going to guess that his issue is that he’s giving up his career to stay behind for Kandi. She literally bawled at the thought of him leaving for weeks at a time for work so he’s going to need some financial security for elevator shoes and such.

Kenya is having Velvet’s memorial service. If you think funerals are sad, imagine a funeral with only five participants, one of whom tries to gnaw off its’ own leg to break free. Cynthia’s dog is there too. Kenya’s still in mourning but looks great. Cynthia brings her dog and I’m hoping it gets possessed with Velvet’s spirit like that movie Fallen. Cynthia offers up a prayer and a final slap in the face by referring to Velvet as a “he”.  Aunt Lori says that Velvet was sweet and never criticized Kenya. Not so quick! Dog bark translation technology hasn’t been perfected yet. Honestly, the service is sadder than Velvet’s death. Miss Lawrence isn’t even there to camera whore. Kenya is sobbing and said her dog came into her life at a tough time but knowing that Velvet is helping another spinster in the great beyond is comforting.

Ayden and Apollo congratulate Phaedra on getting her mortuary science degree. I have to give it to her; she stuck with this idea and has about 17, 4 legit,  businesses. By the way, Ayden is still the cutest kid ever on TV. Apollo is happy that school is over because he thinks Phaedra’s mind won’t be so clogged down with thinkin’ and stuff. She reiterates that she’ll be a remixed Phaedra. In other words, she has so many businesses that she’ll hire Diddy to follow her around dancing and clinking champagne bottles together every time she speaks.

Porsha, Lauren and Diane get together to have small drinks of celebration. Porsha says that’s called a shot. I thought that was the first smart thing she’s said but I think it’s their version of flashcards. They say the definition, she comes up with the word and she gets a treat. The cause for celebration is that Porsha’s divorce is official. She decided not to go to court and they just ended it quietly. Porsha claims that since her future doesn’t include him, it shouldn’t include his money. Something tells me not only did someone write that line for her but someone strongly advised against going to trial. Why fight so hard and just drop it? Diane gives a rousing speech about her being a strong Black woman who went to church most Sundays except for the ones she was hungover and hanging upside down from Kordell’s trellis. She also drops her engagement ring into her glass of champagne which will make it nice and sparkly for ebay. Better yet, maybe she’ll sell it at Jim Bellino’s pawn shop and we can get another Real Housewives crossover event.

Cynthia and Mal are getting the house ready for a sexy night for Peter. The dog, Bailey, is trying to sneak snacks. Get ready to die! Bravo dogs have a notoriously short life. Cynthia wants to surprise Peter since he always surprises her with a zero balance. I’m not sure what’s sadder, trying to surprise a man like Peter or serving cranberry juice and pretending it’s wine. Mal pretends to be Peter so she can teach Cynthia how to be sexy. Mal starts with “what the f&%k is this?!” Just for that she needs to be a housewife next season. Mal wishes her luck and leaves…to go to the spare room and make jewelry out of Bedroom Kandi anal beads. Peter gets home and sees Cynthia with legs spread and smoking a cigar. He laughs and asks how she’s being sexy while wearing Spanx. She tries to tempt him with strawberries and he mocks her. He pops champagne which seems romantic but then he exclaims “gunshots”. Overall, it’s still classier than their wedding.

NeNe is at home. She’s been traveling a lot and has pains. Gregg says that it’s gas but she doesn’t think so. Of course we found out a few months ago that she had blood clots. I’m glad she survived, Imagine if that horrible wig was the last hairstyle she wore on air.

It’s time for Kandi’s show! She says that if it weren’t for Todd, the show wouldn’t have been possible. I love, love, love shady Bravo for immediately following that with a montage of Todd asking everyone how everything works. Literally everything. Lights, parking, red carpet, kegel balls, molecular biology…he was like Porsha at a Walking & Chewing Gum at the Same Time seminar. Porsha feels that the stage manager, Lark, still isn’t feeling the “Porsha experience”. Can you blame her? The experience is akin to watching paint dry and the paint somehow f$%ks it up. Lark tells Porsha to not break character regardless of errors because she’ll look stupid. In the “Porsha experience” this somehow constitutes an apology and she accepts it.

Kenya arrives at the play with her aunt.

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Chrisley Knows Best: Date Night!

Hello everyone! We are back this week with the Chrisley crew for a parental date night, but first an update from the real world.

Chrisley Knows Nothing was renewed for a second season by USA Network. With 1.25 million viewers a week, USA went ahead and ordered 12 new episodes of the show. The family was also featured in People Magazine and Todd stopped by the View. In the People story, they refer to Todd as an “Atlanta billionaire”. Hold your horses People Magazine. Todd says the second season won’t change the family dynamics, but they will not be texting and driving and the children will no longer be using profanity. The no texting and driving thing is something I have brought up in our recaps here. More than once.  However, I would like to see the kids use more profanity, especially when addressing Todd. But no one should swear at Julie.  Todd also said they will continue to spend like it’s going out of style. “I don’t know that budget is something that was used in our family, and I don’t think it’s used today in our family”. Yay, no budget! More bankruptcy!! That is a pretty ballsy statement, as bank representatives are scheduled to meet TODAY in court to try and collect money owed from the Chrisleys. And remember when Todd said Kyle cost the family a ton of money by going to rehab? Apparently Todd also stopped payment on one of those rehab checks.

Back to the show. This week the kids plan a date night for Todd and Julie, but things obviously go awry and it’s just a hoot. We also have the token emotional family  moment when Todd accepts his mother’s snatch is on the internet looking for love. Did you guys see the photo she sent to US Airways? It was really inappropriate.

faye online dating kyle chrisley knows best usa network-OptimizedEw.

Throughout this episode the producers also treat us to what I will call Bankruptcy Easter Eggs.  These are small bits of hidden information that we can follow like breadcrumbs to the current Chrisley bankruptcy.  Do not be fooled by the department store breadcrumbs along the way!! Those are fake breadcrumbs that were laid by evil Todd Chrisley himself to trap lenders into another dubious and awful business plan.

 real housewives of new jersey teresa giudice paying cash furniture season 1 episode 1-Optimized-1Best Bankruptcy Easter Egg Ever from RHONJ Season 1, Ep 1

We begin this episode with a prank call bonding session between Chase and Todd. They goat Grandma Faye into believing Chase hit a car in a girl’s driveway while Todd can’t get a hold of Chase. Faye tells Chase he is going to jail and hangs up the phone. Then she calls Todd and tells him she is going to take three Valiums.  Making fun of old ladies is something both Chrisley boys can get behind.

The kids finalize their secret date night plan and sew Grayson’s mouth shut so he can’t spoil the surprises planned for the parents. Kyle is at home with Faye, looking at potential mates for her on ChristianMingle dot com. Get it gurl, I knew she was cruising the web for some D. But honestly I kinda want to Catfish Faye and make her tell me all the family secrets while I pretend to be a distinguished older Marine or something with grey hair stationed in Germany.

Todd gets a fake phone call to let him know the retail space he was looking at is no longer available. He pouts that all that merchandise we DIDN’T see him purchase last week will have nowhere to go. Sad Todd. This is a FAKE department store breadcrumb by the way.

 todd chrisley usa network desktop-OptimizedTodd’s desktop is way out of control.

Time for date night! OK time out. Chase is their chauffeur and dressed like a legit Chippendale dancer including a fake mustache, fake collar and tie, NO UNDERSHIRT, cheap blazer and some sort of hat. Does he think this is how his father wants to see him? I am really nervous to go down this road. Where did Chase get this outfit? It is clearly designed for a stripper.  There is no reason for Chase to have ever owned this outfit or wear it in front of his parents. It doesn’t say PaReNtS WaCkY DaTe NiGhT to me, it screams Victor Voronov and Johnny Weir reconciliation party.

 

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RHOA Recap: A Mother’s Loathe

Last week, NeNe and Cynthia agreed to renew their friendship contract while Porsha disproved the theory of relativity i.e. there’s no way a relative of a prominent man like Hosea Williams could have produced the likes of her. Phaedra barely had a storyline because she, like, works and stuff and Kenya turned borrowing a Betsy Wetsy doll into a plotline.

This week starts with our favorite paperweight, Porsha, singing a song entitled “Perfectly Worthless”. Incidentally, that was how Kordell introduced her at work events. You know how in the beginning of the show she says that she makes her own rules? Apparently her rules include, not singing on key or being a responsible human being. Kandi arrives at Porsha’s studio session and during a break says that the stage manager, Lark, is annoyed that Porhsa keeps missing rehearsals. Porsha claims that she wasn’t aware of rehearsals because Kandi’s team did not send November’s schedule. She and Lauren even wondered why they didn’t receive a November schedule. If you’ve ever seen Lauren and Porsha “wonder” you’d understand why they never got the answer.

RHOA 04.06.2014 Kandi reading Porsha
“The schedule was sent to you on the twenty-first.”

RHOA 04.06.2014 Porsha the Terrible
“I know but that same day Lauren and I were trying to solve a riddle. If you’re American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?”

RHOA 04.06.2014 Kandi reading Porsha
“You’re a peeing, like European…”

RHOA 04.06.2014 Porsha the Terrible
“Hmmm…I’m pretty sure I’m Black but I am light-skinned with baby hair.”

After telling Kandi to check her team and her riddling skills, they get Lauren on the phone and it turns out that Lauren just didn’t see the attachment on a subsequent mail. Kandi tells her to check her team. There is no team. It’s two morons who are apparently sharing a brain and doing a poor job of it.

RHOA 02.23.2014  Porsha and Lauren siamese
Siamese mouth breathers

NeNe meets with her manager to review sketches for her HSN clothing line. We learn that NeNe has turned down roles and even totally skipped reading certain scripts because she doesn’t want to stay in the same place. I wouldn’t want to remain a big, insecure bully with a bad toupee either. NeNe will have more scripts to read and she needs to go to acting class according to Steve. NeNe says that she’ll go but she can’t promise that she’ll go every week because she’s still trying to figure out how to push that janitor broom around her lease-to-own McMansion. She also thinks that classes hamper raw ability.

RHOA 04.06.2014 NeNe and manager
NeNe: Tila Tequila could have been the Vietnamese Bette Midler if she hadn’t taken that course at Larry Storch School of Acting.

Cynthia meets Peter at Bar One. He’s stressed because the blogs have picked up on the bar going under foreclosure. The guys who own the property are in default on their mortgage. Peter has to prove that they’ve been paying the landlords and the bank will allow them to stay in the building. Peter kept this information from Cynthia even though he basically forced her to move her agency there. Cynthia was led to believe that he purchased the building but it was actually a rent to own situation. Cynthia say she wants to believe him but she’s tired of starting over and losing money. Of course, he gets defensive and turns it into Cynthia being wrong for not believing him. I’d like to believe in him but this dude is guzzling $4.00 Voss water. You’re cutting into the profits d-bag! He wraps up the convo by saying that he needs a drink.

RHOA 04.06.2014 Peter needs the ring
Peter: …And your ring. I need to sell your ring.

Kenya is in bed crying when her aunt Lori arrives. Is it wrong that I hoped a human died and not her dog? There’s just something about dogs that’s so much better than humans. Unfortunately, it is Velvet. Kenya let her out in the yard and she got under the gate. A nearby dog attacked her and Velvet died as they got to the hospital. Aunt Lori says that perhaps this happened to make room for something else i.e. a child. They decide to have a memorial service for her.

RHOA 03.30.2014 Velvet is relieved
I love you Velvet but you’re keeping me from making fun of your mommy this week.

Kandi has a counselor and her mom over to her house to work on their issues. Kandi tells the counselor that she’s 37 and needs to be able to make her own decisions. Momma Joyce tells the counselor, privately, that Todd quit his job as soon as he and Kandi started dating and Kandi’s gained about 30 pounds since dating  him.

RHOA 04.06.2014 Momma Joyce and therapist
“And she only has one life-sized cardboard cut out of me!”

I can’t believe that she’d suggest a man tell Kandi to lose weight. I mean, she named her daughter Kandi. There’s something to be said for predisposition. Momma Joyce becomes an armchair psychologist, which is fitting because she’s dressed like a couch, and says that Kandi’s dad wasn’t around and her brother died when he was young so she has issues. I’d bet my armchair that Momma Joyce could be substituted for every Kandi in that sentence and we’d get to the root of their issues. Momma Joyce was married thrice and lost a son. I have a word of advice for her…

RHOA 04.06.2014 Ramona on Momma Joyce
“TAKE A XANAX!”

Momma Joyce admits that she can’t even speak to how Todd treats Kandi because she’s never around them…except when she’s threatening Todd in the stylings of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The therapist says that he’s concerned that Momma Joyce hasn’t actually taken the time to get to know him. The counselor says that he wants to do a few more sessions with her. Duh! I would too if I was getting house call rates. Kandi gives Momma Joyce a hug after he leaves but her mom plays her out with one of those no boob touching side hugs.

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RHOA Recap: The Old Usual

The Mexicans revolted and Atlanta has been forced to vacate its borders. Rush Limbaugh must be proud. The cast has most certainly convinced Mexicans to stay safely ensconced in their country where they are safe from the likes of Mrs. Phaedra, NayNay and The Ashy One. The girls head back to Atlanta to get back to what they do best – nothing. Except for Kandi…

Kandi is busy ruining Bravo’s editing by having her half Kool-Aid bob on display. A few episodes ago, Kandi mentioned Porsha’s crazy contract and had the same hair so it seems safe to say that this scene was thrown in to space out the instances during which Porsha appears to be a complete idiot. Don Juan, who’s never been a big fan of Porsha, mocks her contract demands. Her demands don’t match her current resume.

RHOA 03.30.2014 Porsha Williams Resume

Porsha arrives at the meeting with Don Juan and Kandi and she STILL doesn’t know her character’s name. They start to explain to her that she can’t get everything that she wants. She actually asks for gas money to accommodate her trip from La-La-Land to rehearsal. She wants also wants equal billing and her own dressing room. Kandi tells her that only the old pros are getting private dressing rooms; Porsha will share one with Kandi and D. Woods. Kandi explains that it’s nothing personal but she doesn’t want any other senior citizens chasing her down with a shoe this year. Porsha feels ambushed. I can’t believe she knows the word “ambushed”.  She says that she used NeNe’s attorney which translated to “smart” means:

 RHOA 03.30.2014 Porsha negotiates
“That guy screwed me out of my last alimony check.”

Cynthia and Peter are in what appears to be a walk in closet but it’s probably where Peter sleeps. She’s having a birthday party for Noelle and they can’t have more than 40 kids there. How much you wanna bet that she’s going to have the party at Bar One and will chain them all to the building to stop the bank from taking a bulldozer to it? Talk turns to Gregg and NeNe. Cynthia hasn’t talked to NeNe in a week because she and Peter are both upset at all of the comments made that night. Meanwhile, NeNe feels that she shouldn’t have used the word “bitch” but he was acting like one in the moment. Gregg wants them to mend things because he doesn’t want what he did to ruin her friendship with Cynthia. Peter tells Cynthia that she has to be the one to set NeNe straight otherwise he will in fact look like a bitch.

RHOA 03.30.2014 cynthia and peter
“I used to be a rich model with cool friends. Now I keep my jewelry in dollar store bins.”

Kandi makes a trip to her old high school to award two students roles in her play. One will be behind the scenes and the other will be in charge of directing Porsha’s head through the door. There’s a sweet moment with Kandi and her former drama teacher who helped her focus on her goals. A marching band greets Kandi at the assembly and she gives a nice speech on reaching goals. Neither student seems too thrilled when their names are announced as winners. They’re hip to the “intern” game. Basically, it’s free labor due to Kandi’s hair dye pushing them over budget.
Kenya and Marlo hang out while Kenya collects a fake baby to prepare her for imaginary motherhood. A woman brings a doll with an attached band that will track how Kenya cares for her.

RHOA 03.30.2014 Kenya's baby
“I’m not racist. My first fake baby was Black.”

Kenya is eager to start.

RHOA 03.30.2014 marlo drinkig
“Your breast milk is amazing girl!”

RHOA 03.30.2014 Kenya gives baby away
Kenya: This baby cries at night? Can you program her not to come for me unless I send for her.

Kenya thinks she’ll be great at this because she’s raised a dog.

RHOA 03.30.2014 Velvet is relieved
Velvet: What?! I lived off Walter’s old edible underwear the entire time you were in Mexico.

Phaedra is a few tests away from her mortuary license. She and Willie the Funeral King discuss doing business, specifically how to bury a light-skinned ex-con and get away with it.  People thought she was crazy for going back to school and I have to give her credit for balancing all of this. On the other hand, a stun gun selling, criminal defending, exercise guru married to a criminal while rasing two kids under 3 would probably sew a corpse’s head to their kneecaps and insist that they were born that way. Phaedra’s slogan is “come die with me.” It’s much better than her previous one.

RHOA 03.30.2014 Phaedra with willie
“Come reproduce with me when you’re done with prison.”

Kandi is having play rehearsals and Porsha the Useless isn’t there. Never fear, her understudy is here! Yes, Porsha is the only person in the play with an understudy. I’m actually not sure that it’s wise for Kandi to not have an understudy for all significant roles but the bigger point is, why does Kandi even bother? Editing would have us believe that Porsha skipped rehearsal to go to a club but from years of watching Bravo, it was probably a totally different night. Porsha claims that she didn’t attend rehearsal because her contract wasn’t finalized. Silly girl, she should have known crayons weren’t erasable.

At the club, Porsha meets a golfer with her sister and two friends. The golfer flirts and teaches her how to swing. She even tells him, “if you teach me, I’ll learn.” Ha! Tell that to your 3rd grade teacher, the Black community and Harriet Tubman’s flashlight. As Porsha ages, she realizes that a man’s walk and talk isn’t as important as what’s inside. Money. Money must be inside. In other words, she’s ready to reach Anna Nicole Smith levels of gold digger-ness. The golfer offers to give her a lessons and she says she’s between phones so her sister will handle communication.

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RHOA Recap: Pinata Abuse

Welcome back to Mexico! Here’s hoping you didn’t drink the water. I heard it gives you the stupids, right Apollo? That has to be what happened because Apollo is talking to pubic enemy number 1: Kenya ‘Whore’ Moore. Let’s see what happens when an angry wife enters the ashy folds.

Phaedra tersely asks Apollo and Kenya what they’re discussing and they explain that they’re trying to resolve their issues. Phaedra starts to say something but NeNe and Phaedra interrupt loudly and break up the conversation. I don’t know why they did that. If there’s anything we’ve learned about Phaedra, it’s that she will never fight on this show. Perhaps they would have resolved their issues given the opportunity.
RHOA 03.23.2014 Porsha and Phaedra selfie
Porsha: I’ma let you finish, but take this selfie with me.
Kenya approaches Apollo and they shake hands while agreeing to be friends. Phaedra decides to go to bed. Meanwhile, NeNe and Porsha are trying to explain to Apollo that he has to make Phaedra comfortable because they share a bed. Since when? Apollo isn’t getting the message and doesn’t feel he’s behaving inappropriately. He finally goes to check on Phaedra who’s siting in a corner with a full bladder and no room key. He wants to know why she won’t just go back into the lounge when she came in there “all juvial”. Phaedra corrects him and says “jovial”. For a wordsmith she sure is missing the mark. I’m 5% sure “juvial” is derived from his joy in the clink when his cell block would host dances with juvenile prisoners. Poor Phaedra is left looking like a sad beagle in the corner when Apollo tells her that he doesn’t have a key and isn’t going to bring one to her.
RHOA 03.23.2014 phaedra outside
“Everybody knows a true Southern belle refuses to use a public restroom.”
The next morning, Apollo brings Phaedra a rose which turns out to actually be a lily.
RHOA 03.23.2014 apoolo flower
Apollo: Sorry, I’m not a botanical gardenist.

She’s studying for her mortuary exams and isn’t feeling juvial. Phaedra explains that he should not have talked to Kenya at all and she walked away so she didn’t slap the dog piss out of her. Apollo changes the subject before her 1997 hat loosens up and she realizes that he was the one who deserved to be slapped. He asks Phaedra what she wants to do for her birthday. She doesn’t know and he says that he’ll leave her alone until she decides to laugh and remember how pretty he is. Meanwhile, Cynthia, Peter, Lawrence and Kenya talk on beach. Cynthia asks what happened since she wasn’t at the lounge that night.

RHOA 03.23.2014 Cynthia in bikini
“I would have been there but Peter leased my uterus to Mexican fibroids. They just want a better life.”

Miss Lawrence says that Kenya stirred up stuff. Peter jumps in to explain but Cynthia stops him. Ten bucks says that they rehearsed this so she can prove she runs their relationship. Miss Lawrence says that Kenya and Apollo are Brangelina and Phaedra is Jennifer Aniston but he’s not one for gossip so you ain’t heard it from him. It’s very meta for a real life version of “Men on Film” to reference an In Living Color skit. Kenya thinks Phaedra’s attitude is ridiculous because can get dick anytime and rips off an old Chris Rock bit to prove that. She says that when she goes to Home Depot for nails or the mailbox, the guys offer her dick. Kenya’s been known to misread signals. Walter, the tow truck genie, probably offered her a jump and she just assumed he meant her ashy bones.

Apollo throws together a birthday party for Apollo. It was Phaedra’s birthday but the party was for him to reclaim his rightful place inside their room and not on a makeshift bed on the balcony.  Apollo tells Phaedra that it isn’t too often he does something nice for her because she’s so mean all the time. I can hear her panties drying up from here.
RHOA 03.23.2014 miss lawrence an phaedra
Miss Lawrence : Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A blindfolded mortician whose husband isn’t sexually attracted to her walks into a bar…
Yep. Apollo’s big treat is a birthday party with people for whom Phaedra holds thinly veiled contempt. Everything a 57 year old woman could want is there: a piñata, several wigs and one man hungry ho. She tries to break the pinata by imagining Kenya but it’s not enough. Porsha, who recently got her degree in pinata breaking with a concentration in ABCs, begins to swing and breaks it. I remember when pinatas were filled with cheap candy and razors but Apollo’s is filled with condoms, and presumably, fake social security numbers. Oh, and Porsha shows us why you shouldn’t give morons baseball bats and self-confidence when she knocks over Phaedra’s cake. Next, at the worst birthday party ever, Kandi gives a speech. She loves and values her friendship. After all, not every woman has banged a light-skinned Frankenstein and lived to tell the story. Apollo thanks her for her womb and passing on limited genes to their adorable children.  He also says that he wants to move forward like an HR manager requesting that employees refrain from reheating Indian food in the office kitchen. Phaedra thanks everyone and is glad to be friends with most of them. It’s the least emotional moment ever but we’ve grown to expect this from the woman who pumps breast milk so she can maintain a comfortable distance from her offsping.
We get treated to a quick shot of Cynthia twerking in the pool.
RHOA 03.23.2014 cynthia twerking
Cynthia: If you listen closely you can hear the mariachi band playing La Bamba on my ovaries.
By the way, Cynthia’s eyeshadow in her latest interviews is ridic. On their last night in Mexico, Kenya invites everyone to a couple’s night redo. Everyone is dreading it and it’s a little sad that everyone is basically being paid to play with Kenya. The first question, which Porsha answers, is do you prefer romantic or wild sex. Porsha, who has no concept of the definition of ‘prefer’ says she likes romantic and then immediately says she likes wild too. Unfortunately, she’s as flexible as ever and puts her foot all up in her mouth when she says that older men like to take it easy. NeNe’s wig glue must be seeping into her brain because she starts to lose her mind and defend every dusty dick in the continental U.S. She stands up for those who can’t. She’s really having a ball. She may burst a vein her head is so swelled. Are those enough lame penis puns? Somewhere in there NeNe pulls her question and instead of saying what annoys her about a couple, she goes after Porsha for being ignorant and offending the crowd that remembers Cher’s original face. Porsha’s defense is that she’s only been with a 40 and 47 year old, yeah right, and that’s her experience. Peter jumps in too and explains that the older men get, the wilder they are.
RHOA 03.23.2014 porsha is young
“Abraham Lincoln didn’t sign the Emancipation Constipation for us to argue with each other!”
I truly cannot believe that NeNe is so offended by this. On the one hand I get it but showing such frustration just points to yet another one of NeNe’s insecurities. She asks Porsha if 40 and 47 are old because she’s 32 not 19. I remember being 9 and a relative trying to goad me into telling him what was old in front of a roomful of people. I knew even then that they expected a “silly” answer like 30 so they could laugh and condescendingly explain that I’d learn soon enough that 30 was nowhere near old. Instead I answered, 85. The room quieted and my point proven, I picked up my doll and continued to brush her hair. The point is, Porsha is a certified moron. At this point, her social skills should have reached a point at which she’s able to explain herself without looking dumb or needing someone to defend her. Peter jumps in too but NeNe kinda shuts him down and refers to him as Peter/Patricia. Gregg says that he needs to talk to Peter later. NeNe further digs her Depends-laced grave by confronting Kandi for being shocked that NeNe still gets her period. Again, Kandi should know better but NeNe is a grandmother. It’s not the most far-fetched theory. Kandi says it’s been years since NeNe’s put her panties in people’s faces; she’s not checking them and only Gregg cares. Todd defends Kandi from NeNe’s verbal assault and says that her delivery is wrong. She can correct Kandi without being condescending.  NeNe, of course, says that she doesn’t have to change her delivery or her very freshly used tampon for anyone.
Miss Lawrence’s question is about what one considers cheating. He doesn’t consider anything cheating unless emotions are involved.  He says all men cheat and asks Phaedra and Apollo what they think. Phaedra says she’d leave right away if that happened. The award for the man not making himself look any better goes to:  Apollo. He says that everyone cheats and if Phaedra did, he just wants her to wear a condom…over her face…so the guy will keep doing her and Apollo can do his own thing. Then he tries to draw a comparison between house insurance and cheating. It was a lofty goal. The other men disagree because they are on camera and have two working brain cells.
Kenya dismisses the guys so that the women can get all of their issues out and not take them back to Atlanta. Kennya tries to give the Marlo storyline some life but NeNe refuses to discuss her. It’s a brilliant strategy because I’m already over it. Kandi notes the hypocrisy of NeNe being able to shut a conversation down but no one else can. Kenya questions Phaedra about her attitude the other night. Phaedra says she could’ve slapped the dog sh*t out of her and Kenya says it wouldn’t have happened.She takes Alli every night. There isn’t an ounce of excrement in her. Ultimately, Phaedra tries to use the “we” defense as in “we” don’t want to be your friend. The only problem is Apollo operates from a “me” standpoint and has already said that he’s friends with Kenya. Kenya fuels the fire by telling Phaedra not to speak for her husband and I’ll be damned, she sounds just as dumb as Porsha right now. A spouse can always speak for the other. Whether or not their spouse is making a fool of them is another issue but that’s for them to resolve. Phaedra calls her ratchet and a homewecker. Porsha jumps in and says that Kenya can’t understand because she wasn’t married. Kenya verbally slaps the dog sh*t out of her by proclaiming that she’s not married anymore and next time she shouldn’t get married for a check. Porsha retreats saying that she’s hitting below the belt. Phaedra and Kenya agree to be cordial. Porsha agreed to look up the word cordial.

Meanwhile, the men are really working on that spinoff. Miss Lawrence claims to have never been alone with this many men which is a bold-faced lie.

Peter questions Apollo’s choice to refuse protection the other night and talk to Kenya. Apollo basically says he was shocked but at this point, it’s clear that he’s not only dumb but he has no interest in following through on this sham of a marriage. After that’s settled, Gregg says he didn’t like how Peter walked up on NeNe at the charity event. Peter says he answered NeNe’s question and Gregg inaccurately says that she didn’t ask any questions. I love Bravo editors for clarifying it right then and there for the audience at home. Peter and Gregg’s discussion starts to escalate so Todd jumps in the middle.  Apollo tells him to leave it alone because Brandon isn’t there to get punched. Gregg utters the unforgettable line, “don’t check me, Todd”. The funny thing is, once Todd steps back to let them go at it, they suddenly aren’t as pumped up and ready to fight.
RHOA 03.23.2014 peter and gregg fighting
Peter: If Todd didn’t have one finger lightly placed on my forearm right now, I’d tear you up!
Gregg: Do you wanna live?!
Peter: What did you say?!
Gregg: I said, do you wanna live? I do. I wanna live long enough to see my grandkids grow up. I wanna finally move into that romantic sex stage I keep hearing about.
Peter: You make some excellent points!
The girls overhear the fight and discover Peter and Gregg are going back and forth. Peter is saying that he didn’t step to NeNe that night and Gregg has been harboring these feelings since then. At some point, Peter uses the n-word towards Gregg and that bothers NeNe. She starts rehashing a;; of the stupid stuff about the charity event and wraps it up by saying that Peter needs to stay out of women’s business like the other husbands. Kenya tries to hold Gregg back but the wild sex beast yells at her. The episode wraps with NeNe telling Peter to stop trying to be a damn bitch.
RHOA 03.23.2014 NeNe and Peter
Peter: That was harsh. I’m going to take a bubble bath and write in my journal. Call me when you decide to be a friend.
Next week, Cynthia is upset. and is forced to confront NeNe. The two couples do diner and Porsha gets called out on her stupid play demands. What’d you think? Love you so much for reading and commenting!

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Chrisley Knows Best Recap: Two Men and a Baby

Tuesday night and back to USA Network at 10PM for Chrisley Knows Best. Landing on USA Network this late at night makes me feel like a single dad from the 90s who just put their kids to sleep. Just channel surfing and looking for a friend…

chrisley knows best la femme nikitta usa networkThere she is!  

This week we’re treated to more Chrisley family values and shenanigans. For this group that includes a baby, drug test and off camera fender bender instead of a baby test and drug bender like most reality shows. We start with the drug test. Todd calls Kyle the wild card of the family and drug tests him every week. Wild card? Yea, that might have to do with sending him to Samoa for over half a year. I think you kinda zigged instead of zagged on that parenting decision. They say that whole brainwashing thing sticks with you for good.  Todd watches his son’s urine test and makes a dick joke.

Optimized-chrisley knows best todd kyle drug test bathroom smallDad stop! No seriously, Dad. Stop.

Todd and Savannah head to a parking lot to play driving school. Savannah is killing it with her Prada sunglasses. Not killing it, her cheap Tiffany’s heart charm. If you search necklaces on Tiffany.com, it’ll be first when you sort price low to high. It makes me think her 3K Louis Vuitton is fake. Did Todd approve these accessories as a bundle?

Optimized-todd chrisley knows best savannah louis vuitton prada sunglassesDid he approve that lanyard? 

Todd gets to yell things at Savannah while cameras watch, not making the girl more nervous or anything ya know. Prada patty concentrate! I really hated hearing that phrase AGAIN since I feel like I’ve heard it a million times since the promos started to air. The car is just surrounded with cones in a parking lot, it makes no sense at all. She is bound to hit all those cones.

Optimized-chrisley knows best savannah driving toddGood advice. 

Catherine, Faye and Kyle all live together. Catherine is a random lady in her 90′s that Faye, Kyle’s grandma, kinda adopted. Kyle says he loves it here! He never ever wants to leave his Nannie and that batshit bitch Catherine. Nannie hates the living arrangement, it sucks when she’s trying to give it to the guys she met on ChristianMingle.com

Back at the Chrisley homestead, which is currently for sale btw, Chase is wearing all gray and babysitting Grayson. Now they are just trying to confuse me. And Todd is totally dropping the ball on approving all of the outfits his family wears on this show. Grayson goes through his bucket list which includes skydiving, playing Xbox and court side Lakers tickets.  It is an appropriately dumb bucket list for a 7 year old or anyone for that matter. Bucket lists are the worst. 

This week we find out what Julie cares about: babies!! Specifically, her granddaughter. Grandchildren solve everything.  If Israel and Palestine had a baby together, the Middle East would be fine (no it wouldn’t). Kyle has a baby named Chloe but he doesn’t have custody. Julie and Todd are going to surprise him with custody of Chloe for half of the time. Kyle also passed his drug test so he isn’t getting sent away anytime soon. Todd says that Kyle used to be a user who cost the family $1M in his rehab stints and whatever else he fucked up along the way to get there. We never get to learn what he used or just how many times he was sent away to do wilderness things. Todd tosses Kyle a softball when he asks which moment did he decide to never use again, and Kyle said when his daughter was born. Now Kyle is a good boy and only goes to the strip club once a week. This is definitely an ATL thing. I wonder if he sits with Peter and Apollo at Magic City, Kyle’s club of choice. Kyle makes a joke to his father and says Catherine should be working at Magic City. Huh?

Optimized-catherine katherine chrisley knows best todd usa networkThat’s creepy Kyle, not okay.

The day finally comes to bring baby Chloe home. Well 2nd home half of the time. The kidnapping is successful and Julie is beaming with joy. Maybe Phaedra Parks did the lawyering thing to get custody for the Chrisleys.  Kyle says he’s ready to be a dad at 23 and that’s a good thing cause the genius is already a dad.

Off camera Savannah hit a parked car at Zaxby’s. She and Chase think up a lie and debate what to tell their parents. Listen, if you’re 16 and anything happens to a car, it’s your fault. No one is buying your lies and now you’re just wasting our screen time. Tell us more bad things Kyle has done! Radar Online and I would love to know.

Julie doesn’t give a fuck about some starter Benz because she has Chloe in her arms.  Chloe is a super cute tiny little baby. Her name is spelled correctly which is amazing in this family. I bet that was Chloe’s mom’s decision and not Kyle/Todd/Julie.

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RHOA Recap: Apollo vs Drag-Ho

Last week everyone arrived in Mexico and proceeded to dismantle Porsha’s marriage and her one brain cell. Phaedra played coy and didn’t arrive until she found out the feds wouldn’t be there and Gregg humped a bed.

This week opens with Kenya and Miss Lawrence at breakfast. He  compliments her for being a size four and eating fruit while he’s eating pancakes. She says she doesn’t want to leave Mexico looking like Phaedra.

RHOA 03.16.2014 kenya at breakfast
“I’d hate to look like a hard-working, married mother-of-two.”

They discuss dinner and say that Porsha basically admitted to being a beard but when she refused to keep a low profile, Kordell got mad because his trophy wife wasn’t much of a trophy. Who cares? They’re broken up and I won’t get to make Ike and Tina jokes anymore. A small piece of me has died. Kenya’s tired of Porsha lying and tired of Apollo lying to get out of other situations. She wants Apollo to fess up and plans to confront him because “talking heals all things”. Ninety nine percent of reality TV consists of talking and I have never seen anyone healed. The closest I’ve seen is Momma Joyce trying to ‘heel’ Karmon with her Irish jig clogs.

Kenya has booked an excursion and on their way to the caves she’s in a van with Cynthia, Kandi and their men. They discuss Kandi’s wedding and the problems with her mom. Cynthia tells Kandi that getting married won’t fix their problems. Todd gets really annoyed and says that she can’t just hope things will go away. She and her mom need to go to therapy and continue even if Momma Joyce curses her out. Kandi says she can’t make her mom go and Todd says that she has to tell her that they’re going to do it.

RHOA 03.16.2014 kandi and todd van rideTodd: Threaten to slash her wig budget.

In the other car, Porsha asks NeNe what she thought about the couples being separated the previous night and NeNe said that she actually liked it. Today, she claims, she’ll be walking around with Apollo. He says he’ll get his stilts. Snooze.

At the caves, there is a huge snake at the bottom of the steps. Kenya claims she’s seen bigger snakes in her bedroom. She’s probably spent a few nights living in a tent and hand fishing for sustenance so I don’t doubt it.

RHOA 03.16.2014 snake
“You know Mrs. Phaedra will have us killed for this. Our only job was to have the snake devour the ashy one.”

At the caves, they get to an area which Kenya claims is a fountain of youth. She strips down to her bikini and asks the group to jump in with her. Everyone awkwardly stands around. Kandi tells Phaedra that she’ll get in if she does. And then they play Truth or Dare and TP the neighbor’s jungle. Apollo starts to take off his clothes but stops when no one else seems to be getting into the water.

RHOA 03.16.2014 Apollo might do it
“Do I want Phaedra to kill me now or later?”

It’s all awkward and drawn out but they finally get in and have some fun. Afterwards, Kenya makes a point to walk up the steps past Apollo whilst flirting and giggling. He falls for it and follows her booty with his eyes as she makes her way up the stairs. I want to defend Kenya, especially since more information is coming out that makes her seem somewhat innocent, but she keeps doing things like that.

Porsha and Phaedra hang out at the hotel pool while Kenya takes NeNe, Cynthia and Kandi to a fertility ceremony. Porsha says that they went somewhere to do tarot cards. Porsha claims she didn’t go because she only listens to Jesus.

RHOA 03.16.2014 porsha in pool 2
“He told me to order this third daiquiri.”

Phaedra also claims to have turned down the offer to go because she never goes to those things, but I’m pretty sure she wasn’t invited. They discuss the trip and are surprised Marlo didn’t show up and no one has mentioned the Bailey Bowl. They both think that Kenya inserts herself into too many things and Phaedra says that she needs to throw herself off a bridge with weights on her neck. Porsha says she should twirl off a cliff and they high-five. Ah, nothing like good old Christian talk.

Kenya and the girls are at the ceremony and Cynthia & NeNe are desperately seeking confirmation that they will not become fertile. If Gregg’s motor skills are any indication of his sperm’s abilities, NeNe’s safe. And Fibroid Bailey, just stop. The shaman blows smoke on them, makes them chant and throw things at the girls. Everyone but Kenya looks weirded out.

RHOA 03.16.2014 Kenya doesn't always drool
Kenya: I don’t always drool but when I do, it’s after a shaman steals all of my money.

After the ceremony, Kenya says that she was in a relationship that involved a kid but the guy wasn’t ready to commit.

RHOA 03.16.2014 Kenya doesn't always drool
“I was Jane Eyre in a past life.

Kenya envies the women for having children. Kandi and Cynthia feel guilt and a little regret over their daughters not having their dads around as much. They agree that they are connecting and might get along better if they just talk more.

RHOA 03.16.2014 nene is shocked
“Talking! Who knew?”

Peter, Apollo and Todd are hanging out and start discussing the Momma Joyce issue. The guys must be angling for a spinoff because this is a bit much. Now that I think about it, has Andy ever had any other casts’ husbands on WWHL besides Atlanta. Maybe there’s something to this… Todd says that he has contacted Momma Joyce and tried to take her to lunch but she never called back. Todd hopes that it will change and Peter, who wants Todd to die a fiery, clog-induced death, tells him to confront her. Apollo says that Todd brings balance to their situation and I feel like this whole conversation is in code and I can’t understand any of it.

Enter Kenya and Miss Lawrence. She immediately asks for a cigar and orders shots of tequila for everybody. Kenya dips her cigar in someone’s cognac, ugh, and says it sweetens the flavor when you suck it. Peter calls her out on using the word sucking instead of pulling. Bottom line: Peter isn’t going to get in trouble dealing with Kenya’s foolishness.

RHOA 03.16.2014 kenya is a mess
Kenya: What?! You don’t like a good suck?
Peter: I like my being on the Bailey Agency payroll. You better go somewhere, ho!

Kenya even makes a shrinkage joke about Peter not wanting to get into the water but he deflects it and moves on expertly. Kenya orders another round of drinks and even Miss Lawrence says that they should just have cigars and conversation. They get another round of shots anyway. There’s more idle chit-chat and Kenya goes up to the bar to order more shots. She asks Apollo to come with her and she is grossing me out right now. If she wants to clear the air and declare a truce, it should be with Phaedra too. All of the guys tell Apollo to stay in his seat but he eventually goes to the bar. Todd even goes so far as to go to the bar to essentially protect Apollo from his own stupidity. Kenya makes a big production about shooing Todd away but Todd lingers.

RHOA 03.16.2014 Todd refuses to move
Todd: The floor is lava and my right foot is on a rock. I can’t step down or I’ll die.

Eventually, Todd says that if Apollo tells him to walk away, he will. If anything Kenya should have kept Todd around as a witness but Kenya probably knows that Kandi would ‘drag her in this bitch’. Apollo tells him that he can walk away.

Kenya asks what’s up with him and he asks what’s up with her. I’m so grossed out. She says that she was the biggest Apollo fan, creep, when she met him but things changed and he claimed he didn’t like her. Kenya says that he’s using her to cover up what he’s really doing. Apollo denies it and says that she put herself in that position. They debate that for a while. He defends what he’s said as being true; if he wanted to, he could have had sex with her. She counters that she never offered anything to him but he says that she didn’t have to, it’s his opinion.

RHOA 03.16.2014 apollo and kenya
“If I told you to open wide, you’d do it.”

RHOA 03.16.2014 kenya and apollo talk….

Apollo proceeds to say that based on their attractiveness, they could have had sex but he didn’t pursue it. He claims that he said what he did because she hit below the belt first.

RHOA 03.16.2014 apollo and kenya
“It’s been years since I’ve had a woman who could wear a belt.”

My memory could be wrong but I thought they were fine until the reunion when Andy asked the husbands how they felt about her and he immediately piped up and said that he didn’t like her. Apollo feels he was used for her selfish purposes and even Kenya starts to give up on understanding what he’s saying. Unfortunately, Phaedra walks in on a giggly part of the conversation. You can tell she’s trying to not murder the two of them. She asks what they’re discussing but we won’t get the response until next week.

RHOA 03.16.2014 phaedra is mad
“Miguel’s gonna need two body bags.”

Kenya needs to stop. I get that she wants to clear her name but this wasn’t the way to do it. Ultimately, she is flirtatious and inappropriately so with attached men. It’s not going to win her any fans. As much as she might dislike Phaedra, this isn’t the way to seek revenge. Next week, Phaedra confronts them, Todd gets mad at NeNe and Peter and Gregg may come to blows. What’d you think? Is Kenya wrong? Do you feel bad for Phaedra? Do you suddenly feel fertile and…not so fresh? Love you for reading and commenting!

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