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Bring It! Recap: Stinky Cooters

Howdy Trashmii, and welcome to this week’s recap of Bring It!

Last week, Lifetime fooled us into thinking there was going to be an all-out brawl at the competition, when actually, it was a choreographed ode to Michael Jackson. There’s supposed to be an *actual* fight this week, so let’s get to it!!!

We open at the Dollhouse, where Queen Dianna is yelling at the girls to fix the mistakes they made last week. We find out that this week’s competition is back in the DANGAZONE of the 901. That’s Memphis for all of you that don’t know every city’s area code.

bad things happenin memphisBad things happen here.

The girls are participating in Pom and Stand Battle. Five bucks says they are competing against the Prancing Tigerettes. The Divas of Olive Branch will be there, and QD reminds them they haven’t been up against them since their “boondoggle” (QD’s word – not mine) win a few weeks ago involving the Mystery of the Seventh Judge.

We get a quick video clip of the dance that allowed the DOBs to win, and I forgot – its the dance where the girls laid on their backs and spread their legs for all and Jesus to see. #Keepinitclassy

stinky diva

Apparently the girls are performing a Parade dance tomorrow, and Camryn (Mini Mimi’s daughter) will be leading them. Camryn puts on a smile for the girls, but Camryn apparently found out she was leading at the same time as everyone else, and she’s flipping the f*ck out on the inside.

camryn is shockedThis face has “OH SHIT!!” written all over it.

This is apparently the only practice they have for the parade and the competition, so QD is riding them extra hard tonight. Damn – that means less opportunity for Selenonce to act a fool.

Speaking of…let’s head out to the sidewalk, where the moms are cooling their heels. Tina congratulates Mini Mimi for Camryn being chosen to lead the Parade dance. In her personal interview, however, she says that Kayla IS the Captain, and Mini Mimi needs to shut the hell up about Camryn being a captain in training, because unless she has plans to shank Kayla in the dressing room, the spot ain’t open.

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Bring It! Recap: MJ and Catshit

Hi Trashmii!!! Welcome to another recap of Bring It! Lifetime has named this episode “Sunjai in Stilettos”, and my info box tells me that she actually earns a spot in the Stand Battle this week. I had to double-check the date that this episode actually aired, and I am convinced Lifetime is using last year’s calendar, because this is no April Fool’s Day joke.

Let’s get to it, and see who Selenonce has to off to get her kid a position!

We open with Sanjaya and Selenonce lurking outside the Dollhouse. Sanjaya is having to give her mom instructions on how to behave like a sane person. You know…

sanjaya schools selenonce bring it season 1 ep 5“Don’t act a fool, don’t act like a belligerent asshole, stop telling people that you often get mistaken for Beyonce…that kind of stuff.”

The look of blank confusion on Selenonce’s face tells me that this little lecture is going in one ear and out the other. I would suggest that Selenone’s role be permanently replaced by JJ, her ex, but then who would I make fun of? I love me some crazy!!

Inside the Dollhouse, Queen Dianna is giving the girls the rundown of the teams they will encounter this weekend in the ‘hostile territory’ of Memphis. In case you aren’t familiar with what a scene of death and destruction this city has become, QD clarifies that Memphis is the ’901′, not the ’601′ that the DDs are used to. Ah.

I’m from the 713 – I wonder what would happen to our little darlings if they came here?

Anyway, the DDs are going up against the Prancing Tigerettes (again), and the Divas of Olive Branch – better known as those stank-ass-hoes that stole the competition in the still unsolved Mystery of the Seventh Judge.

This week, they are performing a Michael Jackson inspired dance and the Stand Battle.

michael jackson bring it season 1 ep 5“Don’t f*ck it up.”

On the sidewalk, Selenonce joins Tina and Mini Mimi. Since Selenonce was banned from the competition, Tina catches her up on the events, pointing out that the girls actually won, and maybe that’s because Selenonce wasn’t there. In fact, Selenonce may even be the opposite of a good luck charm: she’s a broke rabbit’s foot. HA!!!

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Bring It! Recap: Selenonce’s Off Her Meds

Hola Trashmii!! Welcome to another recap of Bring It!

Last week, the Dancing Dolls lost for the second week in a row; once because of a conspiracy involving the Mystery of the Seventh Judge, and once because the Prancing Tigerettes stood off better. Also, Selenonce was crazy.

We open this week to Queen Dianna screaming at the top of her lungs at the Dancing Dolls and the Baby Dancing Dolls, who are waaaay too adorable to be screaming at. The DDs practice their Stand Battle, and the reactions of some of the Babies was epic. I thought their expressions were of the “whaaat the f is that you’re doing with your bootie??” variety, but turns out, they were silent “is that what you call dancing to win???” expressions.

BDD is confused bring it season 1 ep 4Or, maybe she just saw Selenonce without her makeup on.

The BDDs take the floor next, and sweet baby Jesus, they are good!!

QD explains that in an attempt to actually win the Stand Battle this week, she’s adding the BDDs to the mix, and not entering any categories other than the Stand Battle so their attentions aren’t diverted elsewhere. Basically, that means she has no bone to throw at Selenonce when her daughter gets cut from the Stand group. This should be entertaining.

The competition this week is in Vicksburg, and they will face off against the Prancing Tigerettes again. QD gathers the big girls around her to have a pow wow about why they think they lost to the Prancing Tigerettes. A producer plant throws her two cents in: the stands that were called sucked. So….Kayla sucks a captain.

purple eyeshadow girl bring it season 1 ep 4She was given a lifetime supply of purple eyeshadow for her troubles.

((A bit of background, in case this is your first time joining us: As the captain, Kayla is solely responsible for calling the Stands (8 counts of moves) that are performed against the opponent.))

Kayla gets major cool points from me for not turning around and slapping the purple eyeshadow off that girl’s face. Even more – she interviews that it’s easy for them to tell her what she should have done, but she would be interested to see what would happen if it was their responsibility to take charge at the competitions, and say, ‘this is what we WILL do.’ This is a girl after my own heart. I love people who take the high road.

Its time for some drama and over-acting from Selenonce, so we head out to the sidewalk, where the moms are left to peek in through the blinds. And, DAMN, do they have some interesting hats on.

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Bring It! Recap: Flip Your Wig

Well, hello Trashmii!! Welcome to another week of Bring It! Last week, the weave was almost sent flying as Queen D battled both bRittany AND the sketchy host of the competition they attended. The Mystery of the Seventh Judge is right up there with the missing Malaysian airplane…

This week, the ladies scream at each other again, and bRittany gets so pissed she bypasses the weave, and just rips off her wig. Let’s get to it.

We open at the Dollhouse, with two days to competition. Mini Mimi’s scurrying and snitching is finally paying off, as Queen D whispers to her that her daughter Camryn, may be getting a solo. Two days before the competition? That’s bold. Her theme will be ‘creative dance’, which sounds like jazz and lyrical. Mini Mimi is so excited she starts clapping like a baby seal.

mini mimi is so excited bring it season 1 ep 3Do baby seals have webbed hands?

QD tells her that the solo is their little secret, and no one else can know about it. She knows Mimi, right? This ‘secret’ will stay between them as long as it takes Mini Mimi to scuttle out to her spot in the parking lot.

mimis got a secret bring it season 1 ep 3She don’t know nothin’ bout nothin’.

Queen D opens practice by reminding the girls that they lost because that bitch that organized the competition brought in her own judge. Aside from the Mystery of the Seventh Judge, some of the girls just sucked. She calls out Chrysanthemum, and tells her that she is on the chopping block, so she needs to check herself before she wrecks herself.

The Prancing Tigerettes will be at this week’s competition, along with a bunch of other colorfully named teams. They will be competing in Pom Pom, African Dance, and the stand battle. QD prattles off an explanation of all the dances, in case someone has slept through the last two episodes.

QD announces that Camryn will be doing a solo this week. I’m hoping this announcement leads to an all-out brawl on the sidewalk outside, but the reality tv gods are not smiling down on me this week.

OH!! But wait!!! I spoke to soon! Tina, bRittany, and Selenonce gang up on Mini Mimi and demand to know why she was beckoned into the forbidden region (inside) before practice. Shockingly, the Mini has kept her secret until someone asked why she was coughing up feathers.

mimi ate the canary bring it season 1 ep 3

Who? Me?

Of course, Mini Mimi tells them not to say anything. I guess she didn’t notice the large camera hovering next to her. The moms (minus Selenonce) are happy for Camryn.

mimi spills the beans bring it season 1 ep 3This woman’s facial expressions are the gift that keeps on giving.

Selenonce is pissed, and starts Texas Cheerleader Mom-ing her plot to get Sanjaya a solo.

selenonce is pissed. again. bring it season 1 ep 3Mississippi Mom Massacre: The Day Selenonce Ate the Dancing Dolls – Saturday at 8/7 Central

Selenonce starts bitching about how they are Queen D’s favorites, and she wants to be a favorite too. Blah blah blah.

Inside, the girls are learning the African dance. The music comes on, and the Clipboard of Death comes out. Apparently, there wasn’t enough space on the clipboard for all the crap that occurred during the run-through. Kayla, Camryn, Sanjaya, and Chryslknorge all made the cut.

The next round of cuts is for the Stand Battle. QD calls out Sanjaya, and tells her that she has to ‘buck’ by herself in front of the mirror in order to be able to even participate in the practice for cuts. Heh. QD tells us that ‘bucking’ is a pelvic movement that has swag and some other stuff.

Sanjaya begins bucking, and loses steam after about 6 of the first 8 count. QD is not impressed, and tells her to park it, and wishes her better luck next week.

sanjaya has to buck bring it season 1 ep 3The look on her face says “Mom, please stop trying to live through me. I’m just a kid, and I can’t deal with your issues.” 

Of course, Selenonce sees this go down from her spot peeking through the blinds, and immediately starts bitching. Mini Mimi tells her to slow her roll, and that QD is paying attention to Sanjaya, and is at least trying to help her get better. Common sense is not something Selenonce prides herself on having, so Mimi’s lecture goes in one ear and out the other.

Selenonce has an appointment, so she chunks the deuce and announces that her ex-husband will be picking up Sanjaya. Oh boy. I hope we get to meet this guy.

And we do! He’s…not what I expected.

sanjaya's dad bring it season 1 ep 3

This guy seems way too chill and happy to have produced four children with Selenonce.

Apparently J.J. was a dancer himself, and is the best one out of the whole family. Which isn’t saying much. Mini Mimi, always wanting to get stuff started, prods J.J. into dancing inside, and showing everyone how its done. She even opens the door for him.

He strolls in and starts struttin his stuff in front of everyone. He gets a few moves out before Queen D escorts him outside. QD likes JJ because he’s not an asshole like most of the parents she has to deal with (cough cough Selenonce).

jj dances bring it season 1 ep 3But can you buck it?

The next day, Sanjaya comes over to Camryn and Mimi’s for some one-on-one practice. Camryn tells Sanjaya to at least act like she’s trying to make cuts. She does, and even starts to look halfway decent before their impromptu tutorial is over.

The night before competition, the girls are back at the Dollhouse. Camryn is practicing her solo for everyone. She does ok. QD gives her some feedback, and Camryn bursts into tears. She says she knows she needs to work harder.

Outside, Tina tells Selenonce that not only did JJ dance the night before, he actually made it inside the Dollhouse to perform. Gasp!! She goes on to say that she wishes that Kayla’s dad was as supportive of her dance as JJ is of Sanjaya, but that he doesn’t really know anything about dance, so…

tina wishes her husband was involved bring it season 1 ep 3“Your ex husband is really cool. I like that he knows what dance is.”

Selenonce grabs at this low hanging fruit, and snaps back to Tina that if Kayla’s dad isn’t supportive, it’s Tina’s fault, and that Tina needs to get with the get on and make him be supportive. This is going to end well.

selenonce pounces on tina bring it season 1 ep 3Selenonce: “You need to crack tha whip on him, girl. It worked so well for me when I did it, my husband is now super supportive. Each month. With child support payments. Because he left me. See the way my eye is twitching? That’s how I get when I speak tha truth.”

Mimi: “You done lost.your.damn.mind.”

Mini Mimi is pantomiming behind Selenonce’s back that this is crazy talk, but I don’t think Tina can see her through her blinding fury. Selenonce continues, saying that she needs to get Kayla’s dad’s number and give it to JJ, so JJ can call him and show him how to be a supportive father.

selenonce offers to call jj bring it season 1 ep 3“I mean, you’re gonna have to let me call JJ from your phone, because he won’t answer when he sees its me. But I’ll totally call him.”

woooooah bring it season 1 ep 3

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH.

Methinks someone didn’t actually listen to what Tina said. She didn’t say he sucked as a father; she said she wished he was more involved with the Dancing Dolls.

tina lays into selenonce bring it season 1 ep 3“Bitch, you crazy.”

Tina says that she was actually just trying to make conversation with Selenonce, since everyone else thinks she’s a raging bitch, but since she just showed her ass to God and everyone, nevermind. Tina starts screaming something about picking ticks out of a tiger’s ass. Wait. What?

It doesn’t matter…shit’s bout to go.down.

The next few seconds are a flurry of blurred mouths and beeps and Mini Mimi trying to stop, drop, and roll down the middle of this hot mess of crazy.

tina flips her wig bring it season 1 ep 3“I don’t want to ruin my good wig over this.”

mims barking in the background bring it season 1 ep 3

I wonder if Selenonce’s life is flashing before her eyes.

Tina rips off her wig and her and Selenonce begin violating each other’s personal space. Mimi manages to grab Selenonce, and advises her that if she wants to live to see bedtime, she should prolly roll down to the other end of the sidewalk.

Meanwhile, practice is still going on. They are working on pom pom, and a few counts in, Sanjaya is cut.

Its finally competition day, and the girls are back in Memphis. So are the Prancing Tigerettes, along with a much less dapper looking Quincy. Where’s the bowtie?

quincy prancing tigerettes bring it season 1 ep 3

Selenonce is inside the dressing room bitching to everyone within earshot about how Sanjaya got cut. She must have had an extra bowl of Wheaties this morning, because she asks Queen D if they can talk outside. I hope QD is packin heat…

Selenonce wants to know why Sanjaya was cut just because she messed up. QD tells her that if Sanjaya messes up, she can’t perform, and walks away. Of course Selenonce can’t just let it go, so she trails behind her, continuing to screech about how her daughter was cut. You can almost see QD get more and more pissed off…like a thermometer.

qd gives it to selenonce bring it season 1 ep 3Your kid sucks. The more you bitch, the more your kid sucks.

QD finally has enough, and puts her hand in Selenonce’s face. QD walks off, leaving Selenonce in the stairwell, still screaming.

Pom pom is first, and they do a great job. Camryn’s solo is next. Mimi starts crying with pride, and I guess this is our emotional-feel-good moment of the week.

The African dance is up next, and the girls are bedecked with big, giant, showgirlesque feathers on their heads and bums. It looks pretty cool. It reminded me of the beginning dance in Coming to America, but with clothes.

african dance bring it season 1 ep 3

Finally, its time for the stand battle. Queen D reminds them that this where they got f’d last week, so they really need to Bring It! (get it? heh) this time.

I notice that bRittany is not with the moms in the audience. I guess the fight from a few weeks ago about her being late was more producer intervention than anything else, because no one has said a thing about her not being here.

Its awards time. The Dancing Dolls win the pom competition and the creative dance. I think Camryn won for solo, because she gets a trophy, but it wasn’t announced.

Alas, the Prancing Tigerettes win the stand battle. The Dancing Dolls came in second. Queen D is upset, but says at least they lost to a really good team. She tells the girl its a minor setback for a major comeback. I really like Queen D.

Next week – the Baby Dancing Dolls perform! And they are ADORABLE!!!!

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Minicap: Bring It!

Howdy Trasherinos! We saw a little more action in this week’s episode of Bring It!. And by ‘action’, I mean ‘screaming, pushing, and fingers in faces’. It was fun.

Diana Bring It Season 1 Ep 1

The Bad Parenting Fight of 2014 wages on between bRittany and Queen Di, as bRittany offers a half-assed apology laced with bitterness and sarcasm. At practice, Queen Di calls out Chrysanthemum a little more than usual (I guess?), which really butters bRittany’s biscuits, causing her to storm into practice, finger waving. The fight continues outside, with Mini Mimi jumping enthusiastically in the background, practically yelling, “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”

The competition this week is in Memphis, and includes five other teams, one of whom, the Prancing Tigerettes, are the Dancing Dolls’ biggest rivals. All is kosher until a magical 7th judge appears at the judging table and votes for the throwaway team that the Dancing Dolls were supposed to run over. This sends Queen D into a maniacal rage, and she has to be held down by several people, whilst riling up others for her cause in the process.

Stay tuned for the full blow-by-blow account in the full recap, which will be up in the next day or so!! If you missed last week, or just can’t wait for more Bring It! action, check out last week’s full recap here.

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