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Cheer Perfection Recap: The U.S Finals – Thank God This Crap Is Over.

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The only thing between me getting in my car and leaving to visit my daughter at college is this recap. As such, I’m not even going to bother with pictures. I know the pictures are the only thing I am proud of doing, but I just can’t. I want to see my kid and hug her and thank her for not being anything like anyone on this show. I honestly hope it’s cancelled. Bring back Myrtle Manor.

The Youth Silver is in Virginia Beach for the U.S. Finals and Alisha wants to throw up. They are up against 640 teams and they have one chance in front of the judges.

Andrea’s hair is a riot. Doesn’t she have a friend that will tell her that she looks stupid.

The girls are stretching out when All Stars Passion stops by to say hello. Ann says her competitive side came out. I just saw her fat side.

Alisha is proud of their little team and says they’re always ready. The Passion coach had trouble remembering her lines.

They are ready to practice and the girls aren’t focused. James says they suck. Only 3/4th of the stunts fell. Great job. Cassadee cries because she got an elbow to her nose. RD says they’re a mess, but they’ll be fine. Mandy says she wants to win bad. Andrea cries because she’s proud of Kylie. Ann and Torrann have an almost normal moment. Mandy tells Olivia to make everyone focus.

Where’s Michelle?

Seriously, I think Andrea added some horse hair extensions. So fake.

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Cheer Perfection Recap: The Bug Eyes and Rat of the Gym

Michelle is still at the therapist’s office and Ann has hung up on her. Michelle says that she is heartless. Ann says that she was going to go until she found out that Michelle wants to beat her ass. I guess I’ll cancel my appointment with Ann too, because I want to beat her ass too. Michelle meets with the therapist tells him that she and Ann were best friends, but Ann wasn’t there when Michelle needed her. Apparently Ann blabbed about the “tragic” situation to others and didn’t let Michelle grieve. That sucks. I feel you. My BFF recently dismissed me because I was having a rough time and she didn’t want to deal with my emotional roller coaster. It feels GREAT. Michelle says that she will try to reach out one more time. I hope it’s with a closed fist.

If you can prescribe meds, you're of no use to me.

If you can prescribe meds, you’re of no use to me.

Someone's expecting a lot of crying.

Someone’s expecting a lot of crying.

At Youth Silver they are days away from the U.S. Finals and things aren’t looking good. Alisha says they have the raw talent. I beg to differ. The girls basically don’t even pay any attention to Alisha. It’s getting on my nerves. James tries to work with them too and Kylie seems the only one that’s motivated. James is definitely better at coaching the girls. He’s more specific with what they need to fix. Alisha just talks in broad strokes… “y’all need to fix that”.

If I were the coach, the kids would be sitting in a row, not hovering around me.

If I were the coach, the kids would be sitting in a row, not hovering around me.

Andrea meets with Alisha in her office to show her some videos of their competition at Finals. Youth Silver has never gone this far before, while other teams have been around a lot longer. They agree it’s going to be hard.

Apparently Ann told Andrea the trick to horizontal stripes.

Apparently Ann told Andrea the trick to horizontal stripes.

Michelle invites Bonnie to her house. (Hi Bonnie… it’s about time we see some of the blurry insanity she brought last season.) Michelle says that Bonnie is the only person that she can trust. Bonnie says she’s frustrated at the gym because they’re not appreciated. Especially since Alana can do her back handspring. Yay Alana. Michelle tells Bonnie that she needs to talk to Alisha first.

Because Bonnie doesn't look like she's up to trouble.

Because Bonnie doesn’t look like she’s up to trouble.

And Michelle doesn't look like she won't enjoy it.

And Michelle doesn’t look like she won’t enjoy it.

Youth Silver practice again and the girls are ignoring Alisha… again. (When is this season over? I’m kind of losing my mind.) Alisha thinks they should be able to do their stunts perfectly this time… but SPOILER… they can’t. Everyone is screwing up everything. Alisha says she needs to wake them up and inspire them. How about they all get an old fashioned spanking?

More Chanlee, please.

More Chanlee, please.

Again... sit up and in a row you lazy clowns.

Again… sit up and in a row you lazy clowns.

It’s the weekly weigh-in and Michelle, Ann, and Chris walk in with Slurpees and donuts. Mandy is not impressed. But these three cows figure that if they’re going to lose, they’re going to lose big. Andrea did well, again. Still hate her. Ann lost a tiny bit. Michelle did too. Chris gained. Even though it’s easier for a man to lose weight. (True dat!) Even Shannon lost some.

Chris – 1 lb.

Ann – 6 lbs.

Shannon – 9 lbs.

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Cheer Perfection Recap: Pork Chop Fun Run

Last week, they went to Chicago… This week, they go to Chicago. I know, it’s so clever I can hardly stand it.

This explains a lot.

This explains a lot.

As an aside, Torrann isn’t in this episode much, but the few flashes I saw, she was smiling and working hard and talking… so I just wanted to mention that because I know I go hard on the kids when they piss me off.

Look. Speaking in full sentences, AND engaged. Shocked.

Look. Speaking in full sentences, AND engaged. Shocked.

TLC has decided not to post the full episodes on their website. I guess me and the two other people that were watching them overloaded their website.

Cambree’s crying. Again. (Yeah, so this one is getting on my nerves. She might be cute, but a crying cutie isn’t a cutie to me.) Alisha tells Youth Silver that they need to go to Chicago with their chins held high. I wonder if she means all three of each moms’ chins. She tells the team that there is another team that wants to beat them. Kylie can’t practice yet because of her knees. James is there to help Alisha out. They are going to focus on getting every count right and tight. Sadly they are struggling and Alisha and some girl get into it and start crying. James says they are really lazy.

Someone looks like they need to be told that they aren't that cute.

Someone looks like they need to be told that they aren’t that cute.

Maybe Alisha should argue with her daughter more and her student less.

Maybe Alisha should argue with her daughter more and her student less.

Time for Weigh In #4. Ann goes first, but claims she ate three chocolate cream eggs and tacos. She gained. Andrea lost again. Chris didn’t do too well. He and Ann say Mandy’s scale is off. Andrea says she signed up for a 5k Mud Run.  The Pork Chop Hillbilly Mud Run. Perfect. Ann says she doesn’t like mud, but she does like pork chops.

Over at the local truck weigh station...

Over at the local truck weigh station…

I only had THREE chocolate eggs, and SEVENTEEN tacos.

I only had THREE chocolate eggs, and SEVENTEEN tacos.

He claims he worked out and has been eating right. I think he means he's been eating with his right hand.

He claims he worked out and has been eating right. I think he means he’s been eating with his right hand.

If this were a book club, they would only read cookbooks.

If this were a book club, they would only read cookbooks.

Over at Michelle’s mom’s house, Michelle is stopping by to get a protein shake. Michelle is not a fan. Her mom is gorgeous. Michelle says she just wants to beat Ann. She’s speaking for me too. Michelle then says she wants to have a heart-to-heart with Ann. What crap. Save the therapy for people that matter.

Who are you, mysterious, professional, sane woman? You can't hail from Sherwood.

Who are you, mysterious, professional, sane woman? You can’t hail from Sherwood.

4 days to competition and Chanlee looks better than Youth Silver, so I’m opting to show pictures of her. Kylie still can’t practice, but she’s trying to learn it from the floor. The pyramids still looks like sht. Apparently Alisha and James changed them a little bit, so that may explain why the kids all look so fking confused.

I could watch her for hours.

I could watch her for hours.

She kills with the "grrrr" move.

She kills with the “grrrr” move.

Call me. I'll take you to Disney.

Call me. I’ll take you to Disney.

Who's ready for some more Chanlee?

Who’s ready for some more Chanlee?

Mandy, Ann, Andrea, and Chris are heading to the Mud Run. Ann is putting on her make-up and then needs to “take a pill” because she’s nervous about the dirt. She doesn’t like dirt. (Yep, dirt is bad, but she’s willing to fill her gullet with trash.) Ann has a fanny pack filled with her “anxiety medication” and her lip-gloss. Chris is totally excited. Mandy might want to kill some people. Ann stepped in her own sht. She called it a cow patty, but I’m assuming her toilet has seen worse.

Again... fking eye rape!

Again… fking eye rape!

The FDA has approved fen-phen just for Ann.

The FDA has approved fen-phen just for Ann.

Okay, and maybe for Chris.

Okay, and maybe for Chris.

If your sneakers are crica 1984, you may want to up your workout routine.

If your sneakers are circa 1984, you may want to up your workout routine.

This is just in case Ann, Andrea, and Chris get stuck in the mud.

This is just in case Ann, Andrea, and Chris get stuck in the mud.

Hey look. Torrey showed up to cheer on Ann.

Hey look. Torrey showed up to cheer on Ann.

Let the race begin… It does, everyone takes off, except for Ann… who is struggling with a “mountain of mud”. She can’t make it up and she starts crying because her friends left her with bloody knees. She is the ugliest crier ever. Andrea is laughing at her. I wish I were laughing, because that would mean I found this entertaining… but I don’t. I hate these moms. I respect them doing a 5k Mud Run… but they don’t really run it… they basically just ruin it. Ann manages to whine the entire rest of the way. And when she’s not whining, she’s crying… and then Andrea pees in the mud pit. That’s just vile. Seriously, that’s disgusting. I hope a flesh eating bacteria crawled up her hoo-haa. Next up is a big wall and it takes a village to get Ann up and over it. Truth be told, I was impressed that Ann stuck with it and got over the wall. Chris says he’s surprised that Ann finished the race. I love that he talks like he’s some specimen of physical health. Mandy is proud of them all and hoses Ann down.

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Cheer Perfection Recap: Andrea Pees On Ann. TLC Craps On Us.

Here we go… I promise to keep this brief. Seriously. And I quit taking pics about halfway through… I couldn’t watch it again. Once thing TLC got right was that they made me watch about 20 minutes of Abilify commercials on-line. It’s supposed to enhance my antidepressants… which will be very useful for recapping this show. (See my letter to TLC at end.)

Alisha is meeting with James to see what he thinks. He loves everything about it. He says at long as they can work together, they will be fine. He’ll start next to get the girls ready for nationals next week. He wonders how the hell Alisha can be on Level 6… but Alisha doesn’t see that he’s kind of insulting her. Alisha just has trouble letting go of Youth Silver. (Spoiler, we’ll hear more about this… much more.)

FYI - This conversation starts to get boring right about......

FYI – This conversation starts to get boring right about……

Now!

Now!

Ann feels confident with James coaching them. The girls all liked him too. Alisha tells them that she has to have James take over because they don’t fear her. She says they don’t “respond” to her. We all know it’s that they don’t “respect” her… or any adult for that matter. Michelle wonders if Alisha is serious. Mandy thinks she’s just talking about it. Chris says…. Yeah…. Who cares?

Looks the the pounds are just melting off.

Looks the the pounds are just melting off.

Because I'm to believe Shannon has a reason to be there.

Because I’m to believe Shannon has a reason to be there.

I know guys... It's like midwestern eye rape after a while.

I know guys… It’s like midwestern eye rape after a while.

Hey, there’s the monkey. And that means we are at Alisha’s house. Alisha is going to take this week to make sure she wants to go work with Level 6. This week she is taking her Fab 5 someplace. The Fab 5 are Cassadee, Taylor, Diamond, Maggie and Kylie. The Fab 5 will do a group stunt routine and Cassadee will do a solo. Alisha asks RD if he thinks she should bring Torrann to do a solo too. Oh for fks sake… she’s going. We know. They skirt around the issue, but Torrann is lazy and doesn’t pay attention. It’s creepy. Like something is weird. But she will go.

I'm assuming his shirt is referring to his menstrual cycle.

I’m assuming his shirt is referring to his menstrual cycle.

Fab 5 have a new routine to take to Chicago. Alisha says it’s really challenging. It looks like they are struggling. Andrea’s life partner is there and looks insane. Torrann is crawling around the gym waiting for a producer to tell her to what to do. Ann thinks she has ADD and needs medication. I think she needs medication… but not for ADD. I’m thinking Lithium, gallons of it. Alisha isn’t sure Torrann is ready to work at this level. Before I insert any pictures… someone needs to tell Torrann to stop looking at the person telling her to act creepy. And if she’s seriously NOT acting, like if she’s really this out there, let me know so I can keep close tabs on her life.

How did these two spawn a kid that actually has some potential?

How did these two spawn a kid that actually has some potential?

I like his big boy haircut.

I like his big boy haircut.

Uh-oh... someone needs some deep fried mayonnaise.

Uh-oh… someone needs some deep fried mayonnaise.

We're gonna play a game called Where's Torrann.

We’re gonna play a game called Where’s Torrann.

Looks like she's paying close attention to the Fab 5.

Looks like she’s paying close attention to the Fab 5.

This one is a little bit harder.

This one is a little bit harder.

Hopefully you have found her by now...

Hopefully you have found her by now…

SURPRISE! There she is. Fab.

SURPRISE! There she is. Fab.

What are you so embarrassed about? You did this.

What are you so embarrassed about? You did this.

Alisha is meeting with Shannon, and Ann comes in with Torrann to work on her solo routine. Why is Shannon there? Oh… producers…. Right. Ann thinks the solo will build Torrann’s confidence. Sociopaths typically don’t lack confidence. Okay, maybe Torrann is shy… but she can’t fking pay attention. She has some talent… but she just makes me want to scream. Alisha says she’s getting nervous… but we all know she’s going… so stop fking around. Ugh… how do they manage to muck up such a simple show?

Cassadee is ready for her solo practice. Ann thinks Torrann is just as good. Okay. Alisha wants Cassadee to essentially flying through the air while performing surgery. Cassadee gets exasperated and Alisha takes her outside and tells her that she is lazy and she needs to be a role model. Why doesn’t someone tell Torrann to fking stop being lazy? I agree that Cassadee should have more pep in her step… but if the COACH is going to tell one cheerleader to step it up… then tell the other one. Alisha says Torrann is the baby of the group… stop making excuses… we have shtty adults walking around because no one told her as a child that she was acting shtty.

This is kind of how I look at my trainer... but I pay him to allow it.

This is kind of how I look at my trainer… but I pay him to allow it.

Yay commercial.

Alisha and RD are driving and talking about Level 6 and James. I’m over it. This show is just awful. Where are the Tator Tots? Why do I have to watch two adults in a car talk about the same thing over and over and over… when they could simply make me happy by letting me see some cheerleading?

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Cheer Perfection Recap: Enter Coach James… Exit Annoying Moms

Youth Silver needs a reality check. They got 4th place last week and they need to quit goofing around so they do well at US Finals. Alisha has her head back in the game, but doesn’t feel the team is working hard enough.

They go through their routine a few times, but they aren’t giving it 100% and Alisha is frustrated. Cougar Chris says that the girls have no heart.

I told you, I WEEELLL replace you.

I told you, I WEEELLL replace you.

Well, look who's working hard again.

Well, look who’s working hard again.

These people are trippin'.

These people are trippin’.

Hey Chris, how's the no balls-thing going?

Hey Chris, how’s the no balls-thing going?

Apparently it’s time for another trip to the library for the Team Mom Meeting. Shannon and Chris get to sit at the right and left hands of the President. Shannon starts the meeting by discussing the need for a fundraiser to help offset the costs of the girls traveling. Chris says that Shannon’s fundraising ideas are his job, so he mumbles his discontent and Shannon goes on to talk about having a Fight Night at the gym. The first rule of a Fight Night is that there is not Fight Night. Shannon asks for volunteers for two women to wear sumo-wrestling suits to fight for money. Michelle wants to fight Ann, but Ann says she’s not having any of it. Plus the costume might not fit her.

My name is Andrea, and I'm an obnoxious moron.

My name is Andrea, and I’m an obnoxious moron.

Hi, Andrea!

Hi, Andrea!

Alisha calls Andrea in and says she wants to have the Tator Tots perform at the fundraiser, but Alisha is short a coach and wants Andrea to help coaching. Andrea acts like she’s being asked to give up Adderall for a month. Apparently she has a two year old named, Juju (sp?) and she doesn’t think she’ll be able to be much help. I think we can safely assume that as well. Andrea says she’s worried she will look stupid. Again, I think it’s a safe assumption.

THIS is the person that is worried she'll look stupid as a coach.

THIS is the person that is worried she’ll look stupid as a coach.

Alisha has set up an interview with James, a coach she wants to bring in to help the CTR team prepare for US Finals. James claims he’s a cheer nerd. He says he can help them out, but she needs to be able to give up some control. They agree that he’ll work with CTR for a week and see how it goes. James says it’s a big move for him. To Arkansas?

When Sherwood is a "big step", you may want to look at where you're walking.

When Sherwood is a “big step”, you may want to look at where you’re walking.

The moms are ready for their 3rd weigh-in. Andrea is up first and has lost another 2.4 lbs. Ann says she’s cheating. Ann lost 4.1 lbs. Shannon has lost 2 lbs. and Chris gained 1.8 lbs. He says it’s because of his period.

Andrea stops by Shannon’s house with some “cat gifts” because she says this will butter her up. I was hoping I was hearing her wrong… but alas, it was a present for her cat. Shannon is sick of Andrea telling her what to do about the fundraiser. Andrea is worried that she will be blamed if it’s a flop and that Shannon is talking out of her ass.

Alisha introduces James to the Youth Silver team. He wants to clean them up and get them serious. He only has one rule. Obey him at all times. Or he will replace you. The moms and Chris say they hope that he’s nice to them. Not their kids, but to them. James’ calls the moms over and informs them that they are respectfully asked to leave during the practice. Yay James. You’ve won’t be getting at cat gifts any time soon.

Someone needs to do their eye exercises.

Someone needs to do their eye exercises.

James, they will kill you. And then eat you.

James, they will kill you. And then eat you.

Mandy wants to know who he is and why is he coaching them. Apparently Alisha didn’t give them a heads up. Mandy says that she’s fine with it as long as they win. James gets right into it and I love him. He’s all serious and tight and makes them really work. The moms are staring through the windows watching as James has the girls do conditioning work. Some of the kids are crying and can’t breathe. Haha. This is awesome. He tells Cambree that if she can’t do it, she should be on a baby squad. I love this guy. I want him to yell at me to get some chores done around my house. The girls seriously look like they have los the will to live. He gives Cassadee a heart to heart about her attitude because the team looks up to her. Alisha and RD talk to James and James tells them that Cassadee has always had a really bad attitude. Alisha says maybe it’s her age… James says it’s not her age… she’s just a brat. RD agrees. Gadz, I wish he would talk about Torrann. Call me, James… I want to know if you see what I see.

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Cheer Perfection Recap: Six Bears Go Into a Wood…

Previously on Cheer Perfection… meh. This week on Cheer Perfection… Well, we’ll see.

The Youth Silver is heading back to Texas… this time to Dallas. It’s a 2 day competition. You have to be in the Top 5 on Day 1 in order to perform on Day 2. RD says they have a great chance. Torann appears to have a hangnail. Andrea says that these kids have huge egos and huge heads because they have never lost. Mandy thinks they are way to cocky. Olivia says they are cocky, but admits she doesn’t know what cocky means. I’m assuming Olivia will be spending the evening writing the definition of “cocky” 500 times on a sheet of paper.

Speaking of big heads...

Speaking of big heads…

Speaking of cocky...

Speaking of cocky…

"I'm totally cocky!"

“I’m totally cocky!”

"The one time I speak up, I get the word wrong."

“The one time I speak up, I get the word wrong.”

Alisha has again added more difficulty to their stunts, but she can’t push it too hard or they can get deductions for illegal stunting.

Andrea stops by with her big-butted daughter Julia to play with Chanlee on an indoor trampoline. I didn’t notice the little kid having a big butt… that’s what her bug-eyed mom said. Alisha wants the moms to all get along, so Andrea thinks it would be a good idea to take all the moms camping. (Is Chris officially a mom at this point?) Alisha doesn’t think she’s going to go. Andrea thinks they’ll all come home happier and friendlier moms. Um. Yeah.

Just proof that I didn't say a two year old had a big butt.

Just proof that I didn’t say a two year old had a big butt.

But I will say that this btch has a big mouth. Eyes. And butt.

But I will say that this btch has a big mouth. Eyes. And butt.

Andrea shares her idea with Ann (who is still wearing her sequin top from episode one). Ann says it sounds stressful because she doesn’t do cabins or bugs… or Torrey. Andrea says that Ann is acting like a snooty New York housewife. I’m going to safely assume that Andrea has never been to New York. Or maybe she means some podunk upstate town where fat women like to eat at least 3 meals a day at Sonic. Somehow Ann manages to insult Michelle who was doing nothing but sitting there with her mouth shut. Mandy overhears it and says it makes her wants to vomit.

When I look at these ladies, I DO NOT think of campers.

When I look at these ladies, I DO NOT think of campers.

Shannon shows up and Andrea says Shannon will do great at camping because she’s kind of a lumberjack and kind of a dude. That’s the bug-eyed bitch calling the kettle fat.

Road trip: The moms are caravanning to their camping trip. Andrea and Ann are leading the pack and talk about team building exercises. After two hours they make it to Loco Ropes. Bonnie has been invited along even though we have seen hide or hair of her or her daughter, Alayna, all season. Mandy is wisely driving up a little later on her own. They meet Bob, their leader, and he explains what is in store for them. Shannon is wearing her knee brace. And shorts. ‘Nuff said.

Don't worry, they've Went Loco long ago.

Don’t worry, they’ve Went Loco long ago.

First up is some log balance things. I don’t think Bob was prepared for a combined weight of over 1,500 lbs. All I can hear is Ann and Andrea screeching. Nonstop. Next up is the trust fall. Andrea offers to fall first with Shannon catching her. Andrea says it was fun. It was lame. Ann wants to fall next, which Michelle catching her. RUN MICHELLE! TIMBER!!! Meh. They fall like 4 inches. I’ve done a lot worse off the back of a barstool.

"If y'all could spread apart a few feet, that log isn't made of steel."

“If y’all could spread apart a few feet, that log isn’t made of steel.”

Hi Bonnie! It appears that you've got the blurry thing happening again.

Hi Bonnie! It appears that you’ve got the blurry thing happening again.

Is the knee brace for an injury? Or to support the weight?

Is the knee brace for an injury? Or to support the weight?

That's not a trust fall... that's a trust lean.

That’s not a trust fall… that’s a trust lean.

Run Michelle... just let gravity take it's course.

Run Michelle… just let gravity take it’s course.

Back at the gym I’m assuming RD and Alisha are thrilled to bits not to have the moms around. Chris is the only one there and he says it’s awesome. One girl does a stunt and starts crying. I’m not sure if she got hurt or she’s just a hot mess. RD doesn’t know either, so he’s assuming she’s just a hot mess.

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Cheer Perfection Recap: Do What You Gotta Do To Get Through This Train Wreck

Yeah, so I officially am not a fan of this show anymore. It’s too much parents… not enough kids, and most the kids they have are annoying… and the fake story lines and crappy editing make it impossible to watch. I should have written this a few days ago, but I couldn’t force myself to watch it again. The potential for an interesting show is there, but clearly no one sees that they are way off the mark.

If anyone wants to take over recapping this, let Ronnie or me know. And if you don’t, then just be patient, I’ll try to get faster at getting it up

This week there is no tournament at the end… just a magazine coming to take pictures of the girls and to do a stunt clinic. Fascinating.

The girls are told about the stunt clinic. The only one that looks excited is Mandy. Alisha says that they will pick a few girls to be in the magazine. Andrea thinks this is the be all end all of awesomeness.

Fire your new stylist. You look ridiculous.

Fire your new stylist. You look ridiculous.

Ditto.

Ditto.

Alisha is stretching out with the Level 6 team. She’s filling in for someone and she’s excited. Lewis is the coach and he’s pretty funny. They practice with her and she’s really good. Maybe not perfect, but for being out of cheering for 11 years, she’s downright awesome.

I can do this too. Sadly it means I have broken my hips.

I can do this too. Sadly it means I have broken my hips.

Alisha says that she’s bumped up the stunt difficulty for Youth Silver. They are tick-tocking. Mandy is worried that Olivia can’t do it. Olivia is about 3 pounds short of being a base. She’s cute and athletic… but she looks solid and that’s not easy for an base.

Olivia is not allowed to sleep until she can tick-tock.

Olivia is not allowed to sleep until she can tick-tock.

Olivia is still exhausted from the wire hanger fiasco last night.

Olivia is still exhausted from the wire hanger fiasco last night.

Shannon and Ann meet at American Pizza Pie for some wine, chips, dips, cheese, and pizza. Shannon wants to spend quality time with Ann. Shannon is reeling over the fact that Alisha gave Andrea all the power. Ann says that she is friends with both of them. Ann’s talking head hair is ridiculous. Ann says that she’s not as evil as Shannon.

Shocking that they aren't being swarmed by men. (or paramedics.)

Shocking that they aren’t being swarmed by men. (or paramedics.)

Alisha talks to Youth Silver about their lack of energy because of a shtty diet. She calls Mandy over to help whip them into shape. Mandy says that all the moms should be on diets too. Mandy thinks that they all need to eat healthier and have a weight loss clinic. Winner gets a free month at CTR. Sorry. Not worth it.  All the heifers think it’s a great idea. Andrea thinks she’ll win and that she’ll be skinny. Haha. You idiot.

I don't need to lose weight.

I don’t need to lose weight.

As long as I can reach my hands in the front, I consider myself thin.

As long as I can reach my hands in the front, I consider myself thin.

In true Mandy fashion, she has a chart made up and a place to weigh in each week It’s based on the largest percentage of weight loss. Andrea says she’s holding a poop. Gadz, that woman is a pig. Ann blamed the scale because her scale at home was 20 lbs less. Michelle has already lost 130 lbs. after surgery, but has about 40 to go. Ann said that when Michelle got on the scale said “Elephant”. When Ann got on it probably said “Twatwaffle” and when Torrann got on it said “John Wayne Gacy”.

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Cheer Perfection Recap: Even The Editors Don’t Seem To Care…

We’re back with the first episode of Season 2 of TLC’s Cheer Perfection. I would feel bad for being slow on this recap, but since the producers have decided as early as Season 2/Episode 1 to not even TRY to fking pretend like this is edited by someone with a BAL under .20, then I don’t find it necessary to waste my time rushing to put out a timely recap. Mediocrity breeds mediocrity. Anyway, I would love to say that this season started out with a bang… but it didn’t. The episode was so-so, but the editing seriously pissed me off.

Mandy in blue talking to Ann in gray.

Mandy in blue talking to Ann in gray.

But wait... Ann is in stripes talking to Andrea.

But wait… Ann is in stripes talking to Andrea.

Okay, so Michelle and Bonnie are by the door.

Okay, so Michelle and Bonnie are by the door.

Oh wait... Mandy put on a sweater and put up her hair.

Oh wait… Mandy put on a sweater and put up her hair and she’s by the door.

While Ann still talks to Andrea.

While Ann still talks to Andrea.

So let’s start the story. The Youth Silver team is back and they are preparing a new, harder routine to take them into first this weekend in Texas. They are preparing to go to U.S. Nationals at the end of the season. Alisha worries that the moms bring too much drama to the team. She should worry about how many Super Slurpies they bring too.

Cambree seems to have enjoyed her fame, as she is a bit difficult for her parents to control. She’s really cute, but it might get old (spoiler alert, it does). Mandy is worried about the harder routine and Andrea worries that she’s about to vomit (she wishes.) Torrann rolls her eyes at her lovely mom, Ann. It really didn’t take but one clip for me to remember why I can’t stand them.

The routine is a lot harder and the parents worry, but Alisha thinks that the faster tumbling and harder stunts will be good for the kids. Torrann broke her foot in the off season, so she’s kinda hesitant to land too hard, which is an acceptable excuse… it’s just all her other ones that annoy me.

Finally a valid reason to be the laziest kid on the team.

Finally a valid reason to be the laziest kid on the team.

Alisha meets with Andrea, as she is the new Team Mom President. As such, she is the eyes and ears of the gym. She definitely is the eyes… and the mouth. Her mouth. Never. Stops. Ann says she’s trying to give Shannon a second chance after hurting her “fillins” by hanging out with Michelle and Bonnie. But Shannon just jumps in and starts Andrea-bashing, which is stupid because all of this is really stupid because I can tell by the editing that none of this is actually really happening in this order. Shannon thinks she could do miracles if she was made President.

Andrea wants to incorporate the Riverdance.

Andrea wants to incorporate the Riverdance.

Oh look, now Ann is in gray again talking to Shannon who has no reason to be there. Thanks editors.

Oh look, now Ann is in gray again talking to Shannon who has no reason to be there. Thanks editors.

For Andrea’s first ever Team Mom Meeting, she decided to have it at the local library in case there was any screaming. Apparently the meeting also took place in the mid-80s, because Bonnie showed up in her favorite acid washed denim jacket. Anyway, don’t call it a fking Mom Meeting. There are families out there with dads that are probably involved and if Arkansas is as backward thinking as this, at least it would explain why some of these women are complete ass hats. Everyone arrives for the meeting and Andrea takes her spot at the podium in her Madam President. (I’m making a shirt for her… it does NOT say Madam President.) She blabs about her all-important role and all the great things that she is going to do. She informs them that she can single-handedly remove any Team Mom at any time. She then wants to appoint her court of merry jesters. Shannon will be the treasurer (because she can count) and some guy, Chris, will be the Vice President. Michelle says that she’ll have “only one man in her life telling her what to do”, so Chris should not count on her support. Okay. Really? You will openly admit that you have a husband that tells you what to do? My husband TELLS me jokes. He doesn’t TELL me to do anything. Arkansas… you need to work on your tourist-marketing plan. Anyway, meeting adjourned.

STUPID COW

STUPID
COW

Where can we get Stupid Cow shirts?

Where can we get Stupid Cow shirts?

"I'm the brains behind the Stupid Cow."

“I’m the brains behind the Stupid Cow.”

"Are y'all fking with me?"

“Are y’all fking with me?”

I'll be castrating you all season. Fear not.

I’ll be castrating you all season. Fear not.

Seriously? Think before you speak.

Seriously? Think before you speak.

Back at practice and Alisha is talking to the girls. Cambree won’t put her shoes on and Alisha tells her to sit out if she’s not going to put them on. The moms comment that she needs to get control over her two girls during practice. They fight and hit each other and Alisha tries to coach and parent them at the same time. Alisha says it’s because they’re sister. True. But I wouldn’t care. That would get old really fast for me. I think I agreed with Ann… and that upsets me… but at least Mandy agreed too. Torrann is slow tumbling and Alisha is frustrated. With Torrann it could be her foot, but it also very well could be her awful attitude towards everything.

"I'm too cute to get on anyone's nerves."

“I’m too cute to get on anyone’s nerves.”

Sorry cutie. No one is that cute.

Sorry cutie. No one is that cute.

"So you don't think I'm cute?"

“So you don’t think I’m cute?”

Okay. She's still kinda cute.

Okay. She’s still kinda cute.

Michelle walks into practice in a lovely green sweatshirt that the Jolly Green Giant would have been proud to own. She hates that she has to sit next to the evil-man-telling-her-what-to-do-Chris. She hates that now she hates two people in the gym. I think she should feel lucky, because I have issues with a lot more than two and I’m sitting a thousand miles away.

Maybe we should all agree to stick with orange and black.

Maybe we should all agree to stick with orange and black.

Three days to competition and Alisha is worried that she picked Texas to start off with, as they are kind of a cheerleading powerhouse state. Mandy is sitting on the sideline with Ann and she’s shouting out deductions and mistakes. Ann can’t stand this about Mandy. Probably because her daughter is lazy and Mandy doesn’t have a problem telling her as much. Alisha tells the team that they will get NATIONAL JACKETS if they win and I am with them that a jacket is better than a trophy any day. The girls have trouble staying in sync… hell, they have trouble staying focused. The moms are worried they aren’t going to be ready.

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TLC’s Cheer Perfection Is Coming Back For Season 2

Many of you Trashiis were orginal Gasmis, so you may remember my recaps for Cheer Perfection on TLC. It’s a lot like Dance Moms, but more kids, a lot of mamma drama, and less screaming. Most of the moms also appeared on various Toddler and Tiara episodes.

Bonnie was a TnT mom, but also a TnT pageant director. The other moms (Ann, Michelle, Andrea, Mandy, Shannon,and Alisha (the coach) all had girls that participated in the pageants… and trust me,  the discord from the pageant world moved to the cheering world. So they do not disappoint.

Bonnie is Alayna’s mom. Alayna couldn’t do a handspring last season, much to her mom’s dismay, so she didn’t make the Youth Silver Team. I’ve heard through the grapevine that she can do one now. I hope that doesn’t mean Bonnie has become less unhinged. (Her trademark is that she bobbles her head and always looks blurry. Except in the nice pic below.)

Bonnie (and Alayna)

Bonnie (and Alayna) (Bonnie must have taken a Xanax without a bottle of wine to look this clear.)

Ann is Torrann’s mom. I was not a fan of either of these two. Read “The Sociopath Next Door” and you’ll understand. Ann’s husband, Torry, talks like his mouth is full of marsh mellows and always needs subtitles. Plus, if you take your name and combine it with your husband’s name in order to come up with your daughter’s name is downright redneck.

Ann... (she also plays a stunt double for Honey Boo Boos mom)

Ann… (she also plays a stunt double for Honey Boo Boos mom)

Andrea started out as a favorite with her daughter, Kylie. But they quickly lost favor in my eyes because Andrea moved to Team Ann and because her eyes upset my dogs. Her husband was fairly awesome for the most part… minus the fact that I may have thought he was gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Andrea (please blick)

Andrea (please blick)

Mandy is the perfectionist mother with the perfect Cleaver family and the mother of Olivia. Olivia is cute as a button, but constantly risks being kicked out of the family if her hair bow isn’t perfect. Her husband, Moe, knows that Mandy rules the roost and doesn’t deviate from her schedule.

Mandy (and Olivia)

Mandy (and Olivia) (Olivia is being reprimanded because Mandy saw a drop of sweat.)

Shannon is the mother of Brooke. Brooke is a bit older with a back injury that made the “forward roll” famous. Much to her dismay. Shannon teetered on the line in my book because she flip-flopped on her alliances and always wore two pairs of glasses on her head. Her daughter may be the love of my life.

Shannon (I'm on the fence)

Shannon (I’m on the fence)

Michelle is the mother of the talented Ashtyn. I liked Michelle because she has had some tragedy in her life and hates most of the “bad” moms, but is able to be funny and stay out of most of the drama. Unless you cross her daughter. Then all is fair in war and hate.

Michelle (she wears orange feather boas)

Michelle (she wears orange feather boas)

Alisha and her husband, RD, are the coaches/owners of the gym. They are both very talented and have a good relationship. They have three daughters, Cassiddee, Cambree, and Chanlee (“ee”, ugh… I know.) The only scoop here is that the middle child is the product of a quick marriage in between RD and Alisha’s first and third marriage. I don’t care one bit about this, but it comes up in comments, so I wanted to clarify it. All three girls are insanely talented. Chanlee was still too young last year, so we’ll see about her this year. They also have 6-7 dogs and a mean monkey. (And I’m not talking about Asia from Dance Moms.)

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