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SYTYCD Recap: FA LA JA LALA FAJA LALA

We’ve reached the end of season ten, Trashii!! Can you believe it? I’m always happy AND sad to see the seasons come to end; happy because I get a break from Nigel’s annoying perviness, and sad because I have to wait a long time to see awesome dancing on my TV every week. And then….sometimes….there’s rage at the end of a season……

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Still red hot after all these seasons

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But the red hots are for my mommy!!!

Fuck! How the hell did he get over here? Get back in your spun glass cage, Seth!

Sorry about that; I guess sugar bars aren’t as sturdy as I thought they were. Better rethink those cages…..

Anyway, one thing that makes me VERY happy this year is knowing that no matter who the winners are I will not have a stroke or throw something at my TV. It’s an almost Zen like moment for me, and believe me when I tell you, my life is not full of too many of those!

As always, this finale show is going to be FULL of filler. We’ll get a bunch of redos of routines, a little presidential speech, and some moments that may want to make you barf. So let’s jump in, shall we?

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Is this the real Cat or has she been replaced with a Catbot?

Cat asks us to welcome back our top twenty dancers, but only eighteen of them show up. Who is missing? Jade. But no one says anything, so maybe he is hiding out somewhere

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My guess is he’s camped out in Paula’s hair.

Damn! You could hide a whole village in that ‘do!

Of course her appearance here means she is hanging out at the judges’ table this evening, along with Nigel, Mary, Shankman, and Twitch.

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Love him!

I hope they bring Twitch again next year both as an all star and a judge. I can’t help but smile when he’s around. I guess I’d also give him another chance as a choreographer, but he better bring it next time!!!

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SYTYCD Recap: The End is Near

Hey Trashii……..let’s not beat around the bush……I know that you’ve been waiting for the top six recap for over a week and I apologize for not getting it in sooner. I’m not going to spend a lot of time making excuses, I’m just going to say I had a plan that involved me NOT getting a sub while on vacation and then that plan got majorly fucked up the ass. Honestly, it’s a direct result of my selfishness in not wanting someone else to recap an episode so close to the finale and life wearing a giant dildo and bending me over the nearest table. Again, I apologize.

So. That still leaves us with two weeks’ worth of cappage to cover so I better get these fingers a-typin! Something new and different for me this time around is that I have not yet seen EITHER of these shows. All part of the previously mentioned ass fucking.

So, instead of watching and rewatching and all the stuff I normally do, I am going to recap these episodes as I watch them now. I have no idea what that’s going to end up looking like, so maybe I should apologize in advance for any insanity that ensues.

And here we go………..

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So glad to see she’s moved on from the garbage zombie look

A little switcheroo this time around and we get the judge intros before the group dance. I am assuming we are getting a group dance which means if we are not that some of you are laughing at me right now. So I am sticking my tongue out at you. So there.

As usual, we have Nigel and Mary on the panel, and they are being joined this week by Jesse Tyler Ferguson. He may not be a dancer, but I always seem to enjoy him on the panel because he is so adorable.

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No more Twitter battles for you, sir!

I love that Cat called him out a little on that because he is a fucking asshole on Twitter. I’m not going to think about that now though because it will send me off on a rampage and then it’ll take me even longer to get through the next four hours of TV.

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I’ll just leave it at FUCK YOU NIGEL.

Yay! We are getting a group dance!

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Hmmmmm……I love the movement of the dresses in this piece (choreographed by Sean Cheesman). It’s not my favorite group number (I think you all know which one that is), but I enjoyed this routine a lot. It felt upbeat and had a joy to it that put a smile on my face.

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SYTYCD Recap: YES!!!!!!

Hey Trashii! I am writing this recap in a hotel room on my way to DisneyWorld! So yeah, I’m in a pretty great mood right now. PLUS the all stars kicked some ass with their routines, and other fabulous stuff happened that we’ll talk about later. Yesssssss…….it’s a good SYTYCD week…….

I’m not going to waste any more time……let’s get to it!

Cat intros the group routine by telling us “These are your favorite dancers” and I can’t keep myself from yelling out something about Jenna. Hey, I’m nothing if not consistent. And then we get to the group number…..

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It was so weirdly filmed and poorly lit, it was almost impossible to get a decent picture!

This one was done by Mia and I love it when she gets creepy and weird like this. Poodlehead was freaking fantastic in this one and I once again find myself wondering if I would have liked him more had he not been paired with Jenna.

No time to ponder further because I’m already wondering just how awesome Aaron would have been in the routine had he have been able to dance it. Oh, and since the show made NO mention of it at all, I’ll let those of you who didn’t know in on the fact that Aaron was dancing injured tonight. Not sure why no one could be bothered to mention it.

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Maybe the spray tanner ate Cat’s brain and she forgot

What the Fuuuuuckkkkkk????? Damn. Did someone go all Bride Wars on her and switch out the tanner color? Orange is NOT the new black!

Cat reminds us that tonight the dancers will not only be dancing with the all stars, but for the first time, the all stars will also be choreographing. I am excited and nervous at the same time.

Joining Nigel and Mary tonight at the judges’ table is Jenna Elfman. Possibly sensing the useless guest judge comments, Cat makes sure to fill us all in on Jenna’s extensive dance background.

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SYTYCD Recap: FIXation on Ovations

Hey Trashii!! Are you ready for some all star action? That’s right, now that we’ve reached the top ten it’s time to break up the pairings and add some all stars into the mix. Just how long do you think it’ll take for Cyrus to show up and be paired with Jasmine? It’s not gonna happen this week, but I think we all know there’s no way Nigel’s gonna let an opportunity like that go by.

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Hey, I’m an asshat. What do you expect?

Exactly that and I’m sure you won’t let us down you limey prick.

We start out the evening with a rocking chair filled group number that I can’t help but think is choreographed by either Sonya or Mia.

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I am SO WRONG. As it turns out, Christopher Scott choreographed the group. Now that I’ve watched it back (several times) I can see him in it, but yeah, I was surprised to hear it was his the first time around.

Cat comes out to greet us and looks as gorgeous as ever.

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Oh Stop!

Oh, you know you do, Cat!

Cat has good news for us tonight: Debbie Allen is in the house!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!

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SYTYCD costs……and y’all have been paying…..in Nigel perviness.

I can’t even tell you how happy I am to see her here. I don’t know that I could take another lame guest judge this season.

Cat introduces us once again to the dancers, gives a brief recap of what happened the last time we saw everyone and then announces the bottom four dancers.

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SYTYCD Recap: In the Cut

OY. I have to start with an OY and an apology Trashii. My brain is either fried from too much work and an ongoing case of insomnia, or I am exhibiting signs of early onset Alzheimer’s. Whichever one it is; it isn’t pretty.

So you may be wondering where the fuck I’ve been. Or maybe you haven’t. I had to go out of town for my job and somewhere in my brain I thought I had asked Ronnie to get someone to cover for me. Imagine my surprise when there was no recap last week.

Naturally I wondered what had happened. And then……a nagging worry hit…..did I ask him to have someone cover or did I think I had asked him?

Normally I wouldn’t doubt myself, but lack of a normal night’s sleep for the last three weeks has proven to take its toll on me. I’m sure you can guess at the fact that my “memory” of asking for a sub was in fact a figment of my own imagination. Hence the OY.

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This is my brain on 1 hour of sleep a night.

My apologies. I hope you didn’t think I just gave the season up and walked away. I honestly would never do such a thing. Even if I really wanted to, which I actually don’t. At least not yet.

So here I am now, I just got back home and I can finally get started on catching up and getting a freaking recap out to y’all. In the interest of time I am not going to do a full recap of the top 14 episode. Instead, do you mind if we just talk about a couple of high (or low) points and then get to the top twelve?

I’ll pretend the answer was yes.

So. Where to start?

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With me! With me!

Okay, Anna; I’ll start with you.

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SYTYCD Recap: Hack Attack!

Oh Trashii…..you know you’ve watched a show for waaaaayyyyy too long when you can instantly recognize someone by simply seeing a shot of their ear. Yes. That happened to me this week. While watching one of the critiques I suddenly caught a glimpse of the ear sitting next to him and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. If you know me at all you will know exactly why that is.

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Seriously. I think even the ear is trying to rip off other ears. Jackass.

And while we’re on the subject of me being annoyed/outraged/irritated/cranky….WTF with the call Me Maybe chick as a guest judge?!?!?!?!? Seriously, Nigel? What the hell? And in case you were wondering, I will NOT be recapping her comments after each dance. Oh. Wait. Here……

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That was incredible. I love your costume. I am a stupid bitch who knows absolutely nothing about dance.

One of those may or may not have been something she uttered over the course of the show. And if she didn’t say it she should have. She may want us to call her. Maybe. But I want to punch her in the face. Definitely.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the show! Guess what we’re starting with? Yup, you guessed it – group number! You’re so smaht.

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This is one of those numbers where the camera work pisses me off because I KNOW it’s taking away from the impact. I can only imagine this number live. Just like I can only imagine nailing the camera peoples’ feet to the floor.

Anyway, I was sure while watching that this was a Mia piece, but Cat assures me I am wrong as she announces another collaborative effort; this time between Stacey Tookey and Peter Chu. Either way, I think it’s awesome and I love Peter so I’m super happy to see him here and paired with Stacey.

SYTYC20130723eHow cute are they?

I can’t even with Cat’s outfit. Y’all know I love her, but this is not one of her best.

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Did she drop acid before picking this one out?

Plus it looks like she forgot to put on her pants! Oh Cat. Where’s the disco ball dress when you need it? Just say no to stamp licking!!!

So aside from the useless guest judge, we’ve got our usual one two punch (in the head) of Nigel and Mary. I really wish Nigel would take a fucking vacation. In the Bermuda Triangle.

Nigel can’t help but mention all the Emmys that the show has been nominated for including ones for choreography (Travis, Mandy, Tabitha and Napoleon, and Stacey), lighting, the show itself, and our beautiful CAT. I love Cat because she totally blushes when Nigel mentions her. She’s so adorable.

After introducing the dancers and giving us a quick recap of last week’s performances, it’s time to find out which ones are in danger tonight.

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How the fuck did Alexis escape the bottom?

I don’t understand America at all. Nigel doesn’t get America either, but his shock is about Jenna being in the bottom again. See, I get why she’s in the bottom because I think she’s got a personality problem. Personally there is something about her that rubs me the wrong way so I wasn’t sad last week and I’m not sad this week to see her in the bottom. But does she deserve to be there based on dancing? No.

But this bottom three worries me for Makenzie because Nigel LURVES Jenna (evidenced by the fact that he sends her off to safety) and they seem to be trying to keep a diverse group of dancers. Which makes Mariah the only “hip hop” girl. Hence said worry for Makenzie. Because in this group? Mariah should go.

Out of the guys I am hoping Alan stays around because I like him, but I don’t really care who goes between BluPrint and Curtis. Nigel gives them a whole speech about the dancing for their lives blah, blah, blah, but it still doesn’t make the solos any more fantastic than they have been.  Makenzie’s is the best and Alan’s is dramatic and capey and very ballroom guy-esque.

And after a short break (and a plug for dance day and the gala) we are ready to move into the partnered dances. First up are Alexis and Nico. Cat has decided that because we had a week off the dancers need to tell us all something about themselves.  Alexis tells us she is a three time Olympic tap medalist.

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Suck it Bitches

And Nico used to play soccer. Fascinating. They’ll be performing a jive routine choreographed by Tony and Melanie.

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Melanie always reminds me of a cranky Bette Midler.

I’m so happy to see those two back because I like them a lot and Melanie’s cranky face always makes me chuckle. Tony tells us that they have set Alexis and Nico up to fail by loading the routine with a lot of tricks. Looks like we weren’t the only ones that were pissed about Alexis staying over Jasmine!

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Ding!

We can see them having a REALLY hard time during rehearsals and Nico is getting elbowed in the face, a knee in the groin, and basically battered about. Will they be able to pull it all together come show time?

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Nope. It seemed slow for a jive to me, and the lifts were sooooooooo labored. It was not good at all. It was marginally better than the one Mariah and Carlos did opening week, but not by much. And I think the outfit counts for most of the improvement.

Nigel tells them that it looks like they lost steam midway through. He also thinks the voters could forget about them by the end of the show. Ouch. But true. Mary gives them props, saying they did a good job and she points out that one of the lifts they had to do was super hard. Well harder than usual because of the momentum required. She enjoyed it.

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But I’m drunk as shit, so take what I say with a grain of salt from my margarita.

Next up are Jenna and Poodlehead. She’s annoying as fuck and likes to bake; he used to dress up in goofy Halloween costumes.

They will be dancing a Travis Wall contemporary piece that he tells us is about a woman that has lost complete control over her body. OY. So what is this? An MS dance? These disease dances are really working my fucking nerves.

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I would so much rather they stop telling us the dance stories because every time I hear the whole fatal disease, loss of control, blah, blah, you better cry or you are a heartless bastard explanation it makes me so angry that I actually enjoy the dance less than I would not knowing anything about it.

Because here’s the thing. I enjoyed this piece. I think Travis did some interesting work with the straps (even those I sort of hate those on principal) and the chemistry and partnership between Jenna and Poodlehead was really lovely. Just stop telling me stories show!!

They do have a couple of snafus with the straps, but cat is quick to point out as soon as they finish that they only got to practice with the straps that day. So yeah, I can cut them some slack there.
They get a standing ovation from Mary, so we know that she loved it. She does her whole Lord have Murphy thing, which….no.

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She’s all teary eyed and says it’s going to be one of the most memorable moments at the end of the season. She thinks they’ve been waiting for their “moment” on the show and this might have been it. She puts them on the hot tamale train but doesn’t yell which my ears thank Travis for profusely.

Nigel says this just shows why Travis got nominated for an Emmy. He also loves this and really loves how this piece is rooted in classical work. He thinks Poodlehead did some really wonderful stuff here and proved why he is here.

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Jenna, I’d like you to lick my balls several times

No, he didn’t really say that. But you know he totally wants her to.

Our next couple is Mariah and BluPrint. Her big reveal is that she used to be a sweater monkey while BluPrint reveals his hidden pencil drumming talent.

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Stomp here he comes.

They’ll be performing a jazz piece choreographed by Brian Friedman. Oh! I love Brian and all his freaky weirdness and I’m SO happy to see him back here. It’s funny (don’t know if you guys saw this in last week’s comments) but I had heard he was going to be choreographing and was SUPER excited. Then I saw a tweet from him that made it seem like Taja might be the one choreographing and I got sad at my misconception, so I was doing a happy chair dance once I realized that he was indeed back to choreograph again.

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Naturally Brian has some strange concept that he going with and this one is a piece about a Greek goddess falling for a mortal man. He tells them if they’re one count off they are totally screwed.

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They are so fucked

I love you Brian. And I totally miss your Blondfro. But you’re still adorable.

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I may love Brian, but I did not love this routine. Maybe I would have liked it more if it was performed by FA or JA, but Mariah and BluPrint were not working for me at all in this one.
Nigel says he loves jazz and wonders if they do their homework and look on youtube at their dance history.

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This is the same look my son gives me when I ask him if he drew on my kitchen table.

So. The answer is nobutweresureasshitnotsayingthattoyou. Anyway, the point of his question is that he’s trying to tell them that jazz used to be the hip hop of the olden days and what that has to do with tonight’s dance I’m still trying to connect. He basically just loves to hear himself talk. He thinks they carried off the routine fairly well, were able to keep their energy up even if the lifts were clunky. He calls it good. Ish.

Mary loved the beginning. She also loved when the music picked up and they were hitting it really hard. She thinks their synchronization was spot on. She super enjoyed it.

We’re moving on now to the new partnership of Alan and Malece. She’s 98 pounds but can eat a shit ton of food; he is a crybaby. Together they will be tackling a Dave Scott hip hop routine.

According to Dave hip hop has been stolen by some aliens and now Malece and Alan have come back from the future to rescue hip hop.

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This hipping and hopping is new to me

Alan totally feels like he’s getting the hip hop swag even though his experience with the genre is limited.

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NO.

Looks like Dave disagrees. Even Malece throws Alan under the bus, saying that it looks like they’re doing totally different things. Uh oh. I have a feeling Alan might actually EARN that reoccurring bottom spot this week.

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Well……shit. As much as I hate to admit it, Malece KILLED that routine. And Alan bombed. Poor Alan.

Cat calls Malece a bad ass Tinkerbell and then goes over to Nigel to see what he thinks. He thought Malece was wonderful, but Alan needed more swagger (or swag as the young kids say today). He tells him he needs to be able to embody the style of whatever dance he is given on the show and that was what was missing here. He also hates Alan’s pants.

Mary also hates the pants and Tabitha and Napoleon probably won’t be too happy to hear that sine they look an awful lot like most of the ones that are sold through Nappy Tabs. But they’re not here tonight so maybe no one will tell them. Although maybe they won’t care. After all, it’s not like Nigel and Mary are their target consumers.

Anyway, Mary thinks the dance wasn’t so great for Alan, but she did think he was strong at least. She adored Malece and thought she was on fire tonight.

Next up are Hayley and Curtis. Hayley is a pageant girl (new one, not Toddlers & Tiaras grad or anything) and Curtis says if he wasn’t a dancer he would totes be a basketball player. Even though he totally sucks.

They will be dancing a Dee Casparay contemporary piece involving a ladder. This is a challenge for Hayley because she is afraid of heights; she hopes the ladder isn’t going to be too high. Her statement is immediately followed by Dee telling us the height of the ladder is a little bit scary because it’s fifteen feet high. The costumes people might want to check Haley’s costume for skid marks before putting it away.

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You would never know that Hayley had a fear of heights while watching her dance. WOW. I’m impressed. Having a fear of heights myself, I don’t know that I could have done that number without having a mental breakdown. And I’m even more blown away when Mary talks about how the ladder actually sways and moves. Holy shit!

So Hayley was great, but Curtis was not. I am ready for him to go. I think I’d like Hayley more with a different partner. He seems like a sweet kid, but I think he’s in over his head at this point.

It was also at the end of this number that I noticed THE EAR and had a moment of screaming and hollering about the hack being back. What can I say? I hate that guy.

Mary really enjoyed this piece but tells Curtis that he has to watch his shoulders and that she’s given him that note before and he still hasn’t taken it. Don’t worry, Curtis; Alexis doesn’t listen to notes either and she got to stay around.

The Useless Guest Judge makes a comment about their chemistry which leads to Cat questioning Curtis about him taking Hayley out on a date.

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Her father is not amused

They’re adorable about it, but I don’t know that it’s going to help them at all.

Nigel tells Curtis he was also disappointed in Curtis because the routine was ruined for him because of Curtis’ shoulders. A few people in the audience boo him. He doesn’t give a crap. He was also disappointed with Curtis’ solo and that gets him some more boos. He doesn’t care some more.  But he thought Hayley was magnificent, so there’s that.

After Cat gives us the numbers to vote for Hayley and Curtis she leads us into commercial by talking about how Amy and Fik-Shun will be up next with a Hobo Jazz. Now THIS is where I really freak the fuck out because I KNOW immediately who is choreographing/ripping off that number! And I am HELLA PISSED.

Evidence:
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The top one was after the dance started, but the first tweet was literally seconds after the words hobo jazz came out of Cat’s mouth. I seriously lost my shit. I mean, yeah, the guy rips off Fosse and countless others all the time, but now he’s ripping off dances from this show?!?!?! I can’t fucking take it.

Sure enough, when we get back from the break Cat confirms that Amy and Fik-Shun (she’s her Daddy’s sidekick, he’s a karate kid) are dancing a Sir BitchyPants’ Hobo Rip off. The only thing that is saving me from a complete and total nuclear meltdown is the fact that it is these two dancing this piece. My love for them saves me from completely losing it, but I still think someone needs to put a stop to BitchyPants and all his hackery.

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So they are adorable and I love them and if I had never seen or loved Wade’s piece maybe I would have loved this one. But I simply cannot enjoy it because it is SUCH a blatant fucking rip off of someone’s else’s WORK. Have you seen the piece I am talking about? If you haven’t, YOU MUST.

So now you know why I’m livid. To even use a song from Triplets as well….it’s like he’s just rubbing it in all of our faces. I hate that mother fucking cock sucking hack so much.

Oh, but how pissed off I THINK I am is nothing because then Nigel has the fucking nerve to heap praise on BitchyPants and say that he thinks it’s the best piece he’s ever choreographed for the show!!!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me you limey bastard?!?!?

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It IS amazing, isn’t it? Next week I’ll be choreographing a group number about zombies.

I just can’t with all the praise for this one. They all loved it. And completely ignored the obviously hackery. Grrrrrrrrrr.

I have to move on now before I give myself a heart attack. But I do want to reiterate that my reaction to this dance does NOT affect the way I feel about FA. FA is goodness. BitchyPants is the devil. The end.

Next up are Makenzie and Paul. Makenzie tells us she has a massive crush on James Franco and she thinks Paul looks just like him. I don’t know that I agree with that one, but I do think Paul has that same nasally quality when he talks and that may just be who his voice has been reminding me of. Paul likes to draw.

They also have a Dave Scott hip hop tonight but theirs is about her being a 1930s model and him being her photographer. He’s trying to get her to be sexy. Paul gets giggly about Makenzie being sexy. It’s sort of adorable.

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This one is a contract to Dave’s other piece tonight. That one was all sharp edges while this one is all curves and rolls. I think they do a great job with this one and I am buying what they’re selling here.

Nigel is already perving out about Makenzie being sexy. Try to contain your shock. He thinks this was the sexiest routine of the night. He’s not sure why it was touted as being about the 30s because he thinks it was more 20s, down to the bit of Charleston thrown in. But that doesn’t matter because they are on his hot tamale train.

Mary didn’t realize Paul had so much soul in his bowl.

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I pack mine with something else

She thought Makenzie was sexy and classy and she loved her in this. She thought they were stunning and did a great job.

So now we’ve reached our last couple of evening, our favorite Amazonian couple, JA. Jasmine tells us she was a tomboy as a kid and even liked to wear football pads and make people call her Zach.

That makes me love her even more than I already do. Aaron tells us that he also likes to sing and make music with his dad and we get to see some footage of them doing just that together.

They have drawn the dreaded quickstep (choreographed by Tony and Melanie). This quickstep is set in the roaring 20s and Tony tells them it is going to be one of the hardest quicksteps they’ve ever done for the show. Hey! They better not be setting JA up to fail!!!!

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I fucking love these two. They knocked this out of the park. Now I will admit I am not a ballroom expert, but I know enough from watching season after season to know that these guys KILLED IT. Then they gave it CPR and then they killed it again.

Mary loves the fact that they just went for it out there; they weren’t afraid at all and there was a lot of tough stuff in there. She does tell them they need some work on their frame, but all in all they were super duper fantastic.

Nigel thinks it was really smart for Tony and Melanie to use Jasmine’s legs to great effect during this number. They also used their personality to hide whatever lack of technique they might have had. He says they put them both together originally because of their height and he thinks it is working out beautifully. Nigel and I are on the same page on that one.

Adorably, Aaron does a whole call me maybe thing during his number reciting from Cat. What can I say? I just think he’s the cat’s meow. I still think it’s so crazy that we almost didn’t get him this year. I can’t imagine this season without him.

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You know if Robert had done this I’d be yelling about wanting to punch him in the face. My own hypocrisy is not something I am proud of.

Now that all the dances are done it’s time to get to the eliminations. As you might recall from the beginning of the show, Jenna was the only one sent to safety, so now Alan, BluPrint or Curtis and Mariah or Makenzie will go home.

Nigel decides to tackle the guys first this time. Nigel starts with Alan, commending him for his solo tonight but telling him his partnered dance was crap. Curtis gets told once again that he doesn’t listen to notes (like that even matters), and then Nigel goes off on a tangent about some old lady tweet before telling BluPrint that he is going home.

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Nigel doesn’t even fuck around and quickly tell Mariah that she’s out too.

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Given Makenzie’s performance tonight that’s much of a surprise, and I think it was the right decision this time around.

And there you have, Trashii, another two dancers have been booted. What did you think about this episode? Did you agree with the judges’ decisions? Were you as enraged as I was about the hobo jazz number? Anyone else excited to see Brian Friedman?

I can’t wait to hear what you guys have to say so I will let you get to it!

See ya soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth

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SYTYCD Recap: Death by Diversity

I am so fucking pissed off right now I don’t know what to do with myself. UGH. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Nigelisafuckingassholeandiwanttopunchhimintheface.

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THIS. Times 1,473.

Every time I think this show has maxed out just how mad I can get it proves me wrong. And the sad thing is that I actually went into this episode feeling pretty happy. I had already heard that (GASP) Nigel actually listened to the fans for once and was switching up the eliminations. I was shocked. Floored. Pleasantly surprised.

I should have known that he would do something to turn my good mood bad. I know better than that, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……I walked into this episode blissfully unaware that the hate train was barreling down the tracks and getting ready to bowl me the fuck over.

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This was what I dreamt of doing to Nigel last Tuesday night

I’m not going to keep going on and on about this right now, but I will tell you that I came very close to booking a flight to L.A. on Wednesday morning so I could track that fucker down and punch him in his stupid face (I’ll let vallegirl take care of punching him in the nuts).

So. Now that my initial rage has been expressed, I guess we should get to the show. Otherwise I’ll just sit here and bitch and moan for the next 10 pages. Well, that’ll happen anyway, but with talk about the actual show interspersed.

We start out as always with the group number.

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I actually thought this was a Mia piece as I was watching, but it’s a combined effort from Christopher Scott and Sonya. Not my favorite. The set piece reminded me of the barricade in Les Mis. Well, that combined with a slide. I think they used it in an interesting way, but it became (for me at least) more about the set piece and who was jumping where. I dunno, I guess it all felt a bit gimmicky.

Cat comes out looking as gorgeous as ever and asks us if we noticed someone missing in that number. I did, but only because I had already been told by someone that there was an injury.

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I know you were hoping for Nigel, but alas, it’s not happening.
YET.

Cat tells us all that Jade has been injured. Well, really re-injured. He has a prior injury and in one of the rehearsals he ended up tearing his meniscus. He’s gotta have surgery and will be unable to dance for about three to four months. Obviously this means he is out of the competition.

SYTYCD20130709eDon’t be too sad, Jade; you were probably going to go home in the next couple of weeks anyway.

He’s there watching tonight and Cat wishes him a speedy recovery.

Cat moves on now to the outrage from the fans over how the eliminations went down last week. Frankly I am SHOCKED that Nigel listened to us as he normally just likes to call people that don’t agree with him or are pissed about something with the show morons. But listen he has and this week’s cuts will happen at the end of the show.

And with that, it’s time to meet this week’s judges. We have Mary and Nigel, of course, and this week they’ll be joined by Erin Andrews (WHO?????????????) and Paula Abdul. Oh, and it’s Nigel’s birthday.

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Happy Birthday fuckwad.

Nigel has been waiting to get Paula on this show since it started and he has some sportscaster chick on at the same time? How fucking stupid is that?!?! Oh…….it’s because she’ll be at the stupid all star game next week.

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Hey! I also danced on my college dance team so I’m totes qualified to be here!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You are so funny sportslady. Oh. Wait. She was also on Dancing with the Stars. Don’t. Care. I hate when they have four judges normally, but do they really need a fourth when we’ve got Abdul here? I mean, come on! Paula could be the only judge tonight and I’d be happy. We’d get seal claps and gems pouring forth from her mouth all night long. No one should be sharing the guest judge spot with here. Especially not Holly Hobbie sportslady.

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Why do I have to sit next to the asshole? Last time I come here.

They may be moving the eliminations to the end of the show, but we’re going to find out the bottom six now. They’ll also all dance for their lives before the partnered dances, and then we’ll find out who is going home at the end of the evening.

Well, for the girls at least. The guys won’t have an elimination because Jade is hurt. And how convenient is it that we’re told he was in the bottom three this week? Along with Curtis and BluPrint. Not to say he didn’t deserve to be in the bottom because that Bollywood number was terrible, but I am naturally suspicious of all results on this show because I have come to believe that the votes don’t count for anything at any time.

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How else can you explain Jasmine Mason in the bottom and Malece being safe?

Shit. I don’t even like Jenna, but I know she shouldn’t be on the bottom. Alexis? Yes. But Jenna and Jasmine? COME ON. Is America THAT stupid and blind?
So now I feel like I’m gonna throw up. I have a feeling I know how this is all going to turn out and I will lose my fucking shit if it goes down the way I’m thinking it will. Like seriously. I am not fucking around. I will fucking LOSE IT.

So they all dance for their lives and I have to say I’m not overly impressed by any of the solos. Maybe it’s just solo fatigue from nine previous seasons, but I think at this point we’ve seen others do more and better and knowing that the solo doesn’t do anything to help them anyway just makes the whole thing kinda dumb, right?

The first couple to dance is going to be Amy and Fik-Shun. They’ll be performing a Jean-Marc Genereaux paso doble. Oh goody; I love Jean-Marc and his wackiness. I just wish France was still around looking like she’d like to stuff a sock in his mouth.

SYTYCD20130709j1France!  I miss you!

So for this paso, Jean-Marc has decided that instead of the whole woman as a cape thing he’s gonna go for more of a war between the two dancers. Amy tells us it will be the most dizzying paso we have ever seen.

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I don’t know that I’d call it dizzying……but at the end of the day I just adore these two. Was this the bestest paso ever? Hell no. But I still enjoyed them in it and thought they did a decent job. I would love to understand why they always seem to go down the matrix-y road with paso on this show. Someone in the costume department has got a thing for pleather.

Mary is whooping and screaming so immediately I know immediately that she liked it. I can also tell by the fact that she stumbles over her words and talking about how a paso war was deemed.

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The botox makes me stupid

Yes, we know Mary.

Erin adds her two cents but I spend the entire time she’s talking wondering why the fuck she is on my TV so I can’t make out a damn word she says.

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Blahblahblahblah aggressive finger pointing blabbityblahblah

Paula tells them how excited she is to see them in person. Then she talks about how they really needed to hate each other in that performance and what a strong emotion hate is and how you really have to commit to it.

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Not that I know anything about that personally

She then tells Amy that she wishes she was around when she was choreographing because she would have hired her in a second. WOW. Think about that for a minute. How insanely awesome must it be for Amy to have Paula Freaking Abdul tell her she would’ve hired her?????? That is so freaking cool!

She then tells Fik-Shun that she’s so proud of him and talks about him being on her show. Wait! What?!?!? How did I not realize that???? I recapped that show for TVGasm. Damn! Wait. Now I have to go look…..

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It’s kinda blurry, but I do believe that’s Fik-Shun!

I can’t believe I forgot him. Although, in my defense, I have tried to erase that show from my memory. Anyway, Paula talks about how proud she is of him and how much he’s grown. She also talks about how he’s done homework and studied which I’ll take as a fuck you to Nigel’s untrained dancer storyline whether Paula means it that way or not.

Nigel talks about how this routine actually took away their greatest assets which are their smiles. Doesn’t matter though because they were fabulous. He does mention to Fik-Shun that he needs to lower his shoulders when he dances (with an interjection from Paula about how he can’t be head and shoulders above the competition if he can’t get his head above his sholders – too cute!), but all in all he enjoyed their performance.

Up next are Jasmine and Aaron and they’ll be taking on a Spencer Liff Broadway routine. I am so happy it’s Spencer and not the hack that shall remain nameless. Even when I’m not crazy about Spencer’s routines I still like them 1,000 times more than the other’s.

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Hey! Don’t lump us in with him!!!

So the story behind this number is that Aaron is a detective and he’s investigating Jasmine’s murder. I know. I rolled my eyes too, but it could be worse.

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A FA JA one two punch! I love it! The thing about this number for me is that I think if anyone else were dancing it I probably would have hated it. As far as Spencer routines go this was not one of his best. But Jasmine and Aaron pulled it off because they danced it the way Broadway numbers are MEANT to be danced. I cannot say enough just how much I love these two.

It’s funny because every time I get worried about Aaron getting put into a forklift category he busts out with some great movement of his own. Well, that the choreographers give him, but you get my point. Being such a big guy they could EASILY just relegate him to lifting Jasmine. I’m so glad the choreographers also see how good he is and make sure to give him plenty to do as well.

Erin is up first and talks about how fantastic they are while I STILL wonder why I am being subjected to her opinions.

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Get over it and move on with your life

Ha! You obviously don’t know me at all cheerdancesportslady! I am still not over Danny losing to Sabra!! I can hold on to shit for YEARS!!!!! Of course I’ll probably forget about you as soon as you’re gone, but I think we should just all assume that from this point forward that every time she opens her mouth I am thinking why the fuck is she there?

Ok, now that that is settled…..let’s move on to Paula. She LOVED them and tells Aaron that he reminds her of the old MGM working dancers. She thinks it’s so refreshing that he’s both grounded and graceful. Jasmine gets the Cyd Charisse comparison which is always a good one (and well deserved in this case). Paula says that in her next life if she can come back as one of Jasmine’s legs she’ll be the happiest girl ever.

Cat asks Nigel if he’s like to come back as the other one and for once he is smart enough to not go there.

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Don’t try to get me into trouble Cat!

Yeah, Cat. He does fine with that on his own. Let’s not encourage him, mmkay???

He tells everyone that he just saw a couple of shows on Broadway this past weekend and he thinks that Jasmine and Aaron would have fit in perfectly on the Broadway stage. He loves that Aaron always takes on whatever part he is given and then he can’t help but mention Jasmine’s legs. Yeah, I know. I was shocked myself.

Mary thinks they delivered style and class this week and they did exactly what Spencer wanted them to do. She thinks it will be a crime if they fall into the bottom after this performance. Oh Mary. Were you up all night thinking of that one??

Now it’s time to introduce some new blood into the show, contemporary choreographer Lindsay Nelko. One of her mentors just happens to be Brian Friedman (come back Brian, we miss you!) so I’m curious and cautiously excited to see what piece she’s going to create for Makenzie and Paul.

She loses me immediately by informing us that the piece is about terminal illness. UGH.. Choreographers!!!!!! Just say no to the cancer dance!!! I was pissed with the original version on this show (courtesy of BitchyPants himself) and have hated every iteration since then. You know, for some of those dances I might actually like them if I didn’t know the set up and the manipulation in play with these pieces. It’s so fucking annoying.

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So here’s a case where I think they danced this beautifully. But I can’t really love the piece because I am opposed on principal to the whole cancer dance premise. Would I have more glowing praise if they had just danced it? Probably. But they didn’t, so neither did I.

Warning! Going off on a tangent here!!!!! Can someone please explain to me WHY there’s this constant need to EXPLAIN every fucking dance???? Why must everything have a story? Why can’t they just dance it and I can interpret the story they way it speaks to me? Why can’t a dance just be about nothing but gorgeous movement and lines? OY. /End rant.

Paula tells choreographer it was a beautiful piece, but honestly? Is anyone really ever going to say that a cancer dance was crappy? Come on! You know they’re not.

Anyway, Paula loved the dance and she loved Makenzie and Paul in it. She didn’t know that something so full of terminal illness could have so much life. She also calls Paul by the wrong name (Alan) but she quickly corrects herself.

Nigel tells Makenzie that she is one of the best technical dancers on the program, but she had to forget about that in this routine. He thinks she did it well. He basically ignores Paul altogether, not commenting on him at all.

Mary is crying. Of course.

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You only have to say the word cancer and I start crying

Of course she loved it. And was moved by it. And everything else you’d expect Mary to feel about a terminal illness dance.

Erin tells Makenzie she has no idea how she ended up in the bottom last week and she never wants to see that again.

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You do realize I’m not allowed to vote for myself, right?

Time for Jasmine Mason and Alan. They’ll be performing a jazz piece this week choreographed by Sean Cheesman who tells us that it’s about the mundane life of being a royal. It’s jazz and tea and crumpets.

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I liked this piece. I’m not always a fan of Cheesman’s choreography, but I liked that this one was a little odd and had a sense of character about it. In truth, it reminded me a bit (just a bit mind you) of wade’s work which is probably why I responded so well to it.

Nigel enjoyed the choreography on this one and then tells Alan that his strength amazed him. He’d have liked to see both of them be a little quirkier, but all in all he enjoyed it.

Mary liked the precision involved and she also talks about the lifts and makes a comment about how Alan hasn’t probably done any lifts before coming to this competition. Huh? Don’t ballroom dudes do lifts all the time? I don’t understand. Someone who knows something about ballroom will need to explain that one to me.

Erin and Paula also enjoyed the routine, but what I’m find to be REALLY interesting is that Jasmine is not getting ANY kind of REAL critique of her performance. This is making me so fucking angry because I have a feeling that I know what this means and that means that my head is going to fucking explode.

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If I don’t want to talk about someone I don’t have to and you can’t make me

Fuck you, Nigel.

Anyone want to see some national dance day videos? Me neither. I will take gala tickets if anyone wants to buy them for me.

Up next are Jenna and Poodlehead and they’ve drawn hip hop this week. Again, we’ve got some new choreographers on the scene, husband and wife duo Keone and Mari Madrid. Oh. I’ve seen some of their stuff and really like them! They move well together so it will be interesting to see how well they can choreograph for someone else and keep that spark that they have when they dance together.

Apparently Jenna is supposed to be a femme fatale in this number and so she’s all about how sexy she is. Poor Poodlehead just wants to be in charge for ONE number. Yeah, I hate to tell ya Poodlehead, but Jenna is not going to let that happen. Jenna also tells us that we’re totally going to confuse her with Comfort. I just can’t.

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Get over yourself

Oh. And then at the end of their little interview segment she stands on Poodlehead’s back. For real? Does anyone else think that she probably shouldn’t be doing that to a guy that broke his fucking back?!?!?!? Ugh. I have such an irrational dislike for her. She is this season’s Kayla for me, for sure.

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Well, it looks like the people in the costume department dislike Jenna as much as I do.

Having seen Keone and Mari perform this routine THEMSELVES,  I can’t hate on Jenna and Poodlehead too much. I prefer Keone and Mari, but I don’t have an irrational desire to kick them in the butt, so that may be part of it. I guess what I’m trying to say is Jenna and Poodlehead did a good job here, I’m just not going to be all gushy about it.

Mary says it was a bit jazzy for hip hop and her and Nigel decide to dub it Hip Jazz. Of course she licks Jenna’s ass about how wonderful she is and makes predictions about how Christopher Scott is just going to love to get his hands on her in future routines. Hmmmm…….very interesting difference in her critique versus Jasmine’s, right?

But maybe I’m speaking too soon.

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Nobody really cares what I think

Paula calls this routine a hipster sort of jazz and points out that it was fitting since Michael (Jackson) borrowed from the jazz world quite a bit. She thinks it was a great tribute while still be an original on its own. Oh, and she thought they were great in it.

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SYTYCD Recap: The Cruelest Cut

Hiya Trashii.  My apologies to all of you for the lateness of this recap; the 4th of July holiday was a leeeetle too festive for me and a hangover somehow turned into either a case of food poisoning, a prolonged inability to handle the drink, or a nasty stomach bug.  But I shit you not when I say I would much rather have been writing than dealing with whatever the hell THAT was.  Pun intended.

So.  Now that I am not spending 99.9% of my waking time in the powder room….let’s get to the show because I have a shit ton to say about it.

SYTYCD20130702aDid you really just go there?

Yup.

So let’s get to it.  As always we start with a group number.

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UGH.  I knew even before Cat told us that this had to be the work of Sir BitchyPants.  Can you guess how I felt about it?  I know you can.

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If you take how he felt about his own work and flip it to the exact opposite…..that’s how I feel about it.

What a smug bitch.

SYTYCD20130702eUnlike Cat who is a GORGEOUS biatch.

Cat introduces us to our judges for the evening and we find out that Christina Applegate will be joining Mary and Nigel.  Oh, good.  I like Christina.  Hopefully she can balance the awfulness of Nigel and the screechiness of Mary.

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That’s a lot for you to be putting on my shoulders, doncha think?

Oh, Christina.  I have faith in you.

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SYTYCD Recap: Puttin on the Splitz

Heya Trashmi! IS that our official name? Someone needs to let me know once a general consensus has been made! Anyway, hey there, hi there, ho there! I’m as happy as can be! No, Hugh Jackman didn’t leave his wife for me……but……we had a GREAT top twenty performance show this week. The strongest in a long time in this recapper’s humble opinion.

Were there a couple of duds? DUH. But all in all I have to say this one was a winner for me. I was already excited about the diversity and strength of the dancers this year, and I’m SO HAPPY to continue with that feeling this week. So let’s get to it because lord knows Nigel’s bound to ruin my good mood at any moment!

SYTYCD20130625aI don’t even know why you would say something like that!

Uh…….because it’s true! Jackass.

For a minute I think that they’ve brought back the lame commercials that they had the contestants do a few years back, but I quickly realize what I’m seeing is actually the opening number….

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You know what? This is TOO awesome not to watch again……so click ME (come on…you know you want to)

In case you couldn’t already guess….I really love this number. It may not have been one of those WOW, blow ya away openings, but it was SUPER fun and I loved seeing the choreographers and judges included in the mix too (yes, even you Nigel).

Does it come close to dethroning Ramalama as my favorite? HELL NO! But I really enjoyed the hell out of it and think it made for a great start to the evening.

Cat is looking gorgeous as usual and bubbalicious in pink!

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Love you, mean it, call me!

She introduces the dancers to us in pairs and at first I think these are going to be the actual pairings, but they’re not so I’m not going to bother recapping them!

SYTYCD Recap: Animators, Tappers, and Mia….Oh My!

Hiya Gas….Trashies!  Trasheez….?  Trashii???  Well, whatever it is that we’re being called now, hiya to you and welcome to our new site.  Before we even talk about dance, I have to give a shout out to Flipit for making this new home for us because watching TV will never again be the same without you and all the other fabulous recappers and commenters here.

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A toast to Flipit!

Awwww….that’s so sweet Hugh.  You know, I bet he’d appreciate that toast even more if you did it with your shirt OFF. SYTYCD20130618b

Did I hear you say shirtless?

Why yes, yes you did. Wait.  What was I talking about?  Oh, right…..the end of an era and the beginning of a new one.  Do you know that I wrote over 350 posts for TVGasm?!?  How freaking insane is that!?!  I only hope that I get to and beyond that number of posts here.

Anyway…..we don’t have all day for nostalgia; we’ve gathered to discuss dance and dance we’ll discuss dammit!

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Can we also discuss how fabulous I look?

Yes!  Cat, you look GORGE.  Love the sequin disco ball look you’ve got going tonight. So this evening we’re going to find out which of the remaining 33 dancers have made it through to the top twenty.  As we fill up into different groups we’ll also get a performance in their style of dance followed by Nigel, Mary, and Adam Shankman’s commentary.

Are you ready to begin?

Well too bad because Nigel has stuff that he wants to say first.  He tells Cat that for the first time they’re really going to be investing in dancers that they’re uncertain about as far as how they’ll be able to handle the competition.  What a load of crap.  Has he forgotten Jose?  Cyrus?  Shit, even the first year they invested in Alan!!!

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We always knew those guys could handle it.  That’s why we talked so much about how impressed we were with what they did and/or patted them on the head like cute little puppy dogs!

Ah……so refreshing to see that Nigel’s revisionist rewriting of the show’s history never ever dies.  It’s just one of those things you can count on in life.  Like taxes.  Or birds shitting on your head. Well, that’s Nigel’s story and he is sticking to it!!

Now that Nigel’s done flapping his gums, we’re ready to get to it.  Cat tells us that just a few days ago the 33 dancers that made it through Vegas gathered in L.A. to find out who made the cut.  Cat arrives in the holding room looking as adorable as ever to start sending the dancers in to find out their fate.  First up….Fik-Shun.