Oh Trashii…..you know you’ve watched a show for waaaaayyyyy too long when you can instantly recognize someone by simply seeing a shot of their ear. Yes. That happened to me this week. While watching one of the critiques I suddenly caught a glimpse of the ear sitting next to him and FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT. If you know me at all you will know exactly why that is.
Seriously. I think even the ear is trying to rip off other ears. Jackass.
And while we’re on the subject of me being annoyed/outraged/irritated/cranky….WTF with the call Me Maybe chick as a guest judge?!?!?!?!? Seriously, Nigel? What the hell? And in case you were wondering, I will NOT be recapping her comments after each dance. Oh. Wait. Here……
That was incredible. I love your costume. I am a stupid bitch who knows absolutely nothing about dance.
One of those may or may not have been something she uttered over the course of the show. And if she didn’t say it she should have. She may want us to call her. Maybe. But I want to punch her in the face. Definitely.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the show! Guess what we’re starting with? Yup, you guessed it – group number! You’re so smaht.
This is one of those numbers where the camera work pisses me off because I KNOW it’s taking away from the impact. I can only imagine this number live. Just like I can only imagine nailing the camera peoples’ feet to the floor.
Anyway, I was sure while watching that this was a Mia piece, but Cat assures me I am wrong as she announces another collaborative effort; this time between Stacey Tookey and Peter Chu. Either way, I think it’s awesome and I love Peter so I’m super happy to see him here and paired with Stacey.
How cute are they?
I can’t even with Cat’s outfit. Y’all know I love her, but this is not one of her best.
Did she drop acid before picking this one out?
Plus it looks like she forgot to put on her pants! Oh Cat. Where’s the disco ball dress when you need it? Just say no to stamp licking!!!
So aside from the useless guest judge, we’ve got our usual one two punch (in the head) of Nigel and Mary. I really wish Nigel would take a fucking vacation. In the Bermuda Triangle.
Nigel can’t help but mention all the Emmys that the show has been nominated for including ones for choreography (Travis, Mandy, Tabitha and Napoleon, and Stacey), lighting, the show itself, and our beautiful CAT. I love Cat because she totally blushes when Nigel mentions her. She’s so adorable.
After introducing the dancers and giving us a quick recap of last week’s performances, it’s time to find out which ones are in danger tonight.
How the fuck did Alexis escape the bottom?
I don’t understand America at all. Nigel doesn’t get America either, but his shock is about Jenna being in the bottom again. See, I get why she’s in the bottom because I think she’s got a personality problem. Personally there is something about her that rubs me the wrong way so I wasn’t sad last week and I’m not sad this week to see her in the bottom. But does she deserve to be there based on dancing? No.
But this bottom three worries me for Makenzie because Nigel LURVES Jenna (evidenced by the fact that he sends her off to safety) and they seem to be trying to keep a diverse group of dancers. Which makes Mariah the only “hip hop” girl. Hence said worry for Makenzie. Because in this group? Mariah should go.
Out of the guys I am hoping Alan stays around because I like him, but I don’t really care who goes between BluPrint and Curtis. Nigel gives them a whole speech about the dancing for their lives blah, blah, blah, but it still doesn’t make the solos any more fantastic than they have been. Makenzie’s is the best and Alan’s is dramatic and capey and very ballroom guy-esque.
And after a short break (and a plug for dance day and the gala) we are ready to move into the partnered dances. First up are Alexis and Nico. Cat has decided that because we had a week off the dancers need to tell us all something about themselves. Alexis tells us she is a three time Olympic tap medalist.
Suck it Bitches
And Nico used to play soccer. Fascinating. They’ll be performing a jive routine choreographed by Tony and Melanie.
Melanie always reminds me of a cranky Bette Midler.
I’m so happy to see those two back because I like them a lot and Melanie’s cranky face always makes me chuckle. Tony tells us that they have set Alexis and Nico up to fail by loading the routine with a lot of tricks. Looks like we weren’t the only ones that were pissed about Alexis staying over Jasmine!
We can see them having a REALLY hard time during rehearsals and Nico is getting elbowed in the face, a knee in the groin, and basically battered about. Will they be able to pull it all together come show time?
Nope. It seemed slow for a jive to me, and the lifts were sooooooooo labored. It was not good at all. It was marginally better than the one Mariah and Carlos did opening week, but not by much. And I think the outfit counts for most of the improvement.
Nigel tells them that it looks like they lost steam midway through. He also thinks the voters could forget about them by the end of the show. Ouch. But true. Mary gives them props, saying they did a good job and she points out that one of the lifts they had to do was super hard. Well harder than usual because of the momentum required. She enjoyed it.
But I’m drunk as shit, so take what I say with a grain of salt from my margarita.
Next up are Jenna and Poodlehead. She’s annoying as fuck and likes to bake; he used to dress up in goofy Halloween costumes.
They will be dancing a Travis Wall contemporary piece that he tells us is about a woman that has lost complete control over her body. OY. So what is this? An MS dance? These disease dances are really working my fucking nerves.
I would so much rather they stop telling us the dance stories because every time I hear the whole fatal disease, loss of control, blah, blah, you better cry or you are a heartless bastard explanation it makes me so angry that I actually enjoy the dance less than I would not knowing anything about it.
Because here’s the thing. I enjoyed this piece. I think Travis did some interesting work with the straps (even those I sort of hate those on principal) and the chemistry and partnership between Jenna and Poodlehead was really lovely. Just stop telling me stories show!!
They do have a couple of snafus with the straps, but cat is quick to point out as soon as they finish that they only got to practice with the straps that day. So yeah, I can cut them some slack there.
They get a standing ovation from Mary, so we know that she loved it. She does her whole Lord have Murphy thing, which….no.
She’s all teary eyed and says it’s going to be one of the most memorable moments at the end of the season. She thinks they’ve been waiting for their “moment” on the show and this might have been it. She puts them on the hot tamale train but doesn’t yell which my ears thank Travis for profusely.
Nigel says this just shows why Travis got nominated for an Emmy. He also loves this and really loves how this piece is rooted in classical work. He thinks Poodlehead did some really wonderful stuff here and proved why he is here.
Jenna, I’d like you to lick my balls several times
No, he didn’t really say that. But you know he totally wants her to.
Our next couple is Mariah and BluPrint. Her big reveal is that she used to be a sweater monkey while BluPrint reveals his hidden pencil drumming talent.
Stomp here he comes.
They’ll be performing a jazz piece choreographed by Brian Friedman. Oh! I love Brian and all his freaky weirdness and I’m SO happy to see him back here. It’s funny (don’t know if you guys saw this in last week’s comments) but I had heard he was going to be choreographing and was SUPER excited. Then I saw a tweet from him that made it seem like Taja might be the one choreographing and I got sad at my misconception, so I was doing a happy chair dance once I realized that he was indeed back to choreograph again.
Naturally Brian has some strange concept that he going with and this one is a piece about a Greek goddess falling for a mortal man. He tells them if they’re one count off they are totally screwed.
They are so fucked
I love you Brian. And I totally miss your Blondfro. But you’re still adorable.
I may love Brian, but I did not love this routine. Maybe I would have liked it more if it was performed by FA or JA, but Mariah and BluPrint were not working for me at all in this one.
Nigel says he loves jazz and wonders if they do their homework and look on youtube at their dance history.
This is the same look my son gives me when I ask him if he drew on my kitchen table.
So. The answer is nobutweresureasshitnotsayingthattoyou. Anyway, the point of his question is that he’s trying to tell them that jazz used to be the hip hop of the olden days and what that has to do with tonight’s dance I’m still trying to connect. He basically just loves to hear himself talk. He thinks they carried off the routine fairly well, were able to keep their energy up even if the lifts were clunky. He calls it good. Ish.
Mary loved the beginning. She also loved when the music picked up and they were hitting it really hard. She thinks their synchronization was spot on. She super enjoyed it.
We’re moving on now to the new partnership of Alan and Malece. She’s 98 pounds but can eat a shit ton of food; he is a crybaby. Together they will be tackling a Dave Scott hip hop routine.
According to Dave hip hop has been stolen by some aliens and now Malece and Alan have come back from the future to rescue hip hop.
This hipping and hopping is new to me
Alan totally feels like he’s getting the hip hop swag even though his experience with the genre is limited.
Looks like Dave disagrees. Even Malece throws Alan under the bus, saying that it looks like they’re doing totally different things. Uh oh. I have a feeling Alan might actually EARN that reoccurring bottom spot this week.
Well……shit. As much as I hate to admit it, Malece KILLED that routine. And Alan bombed. Poor Alan.
Cat calls Malece a bad ass Tinkerbell and then goes over to Nigel to see what he thinks. He thought Malece was wonderful, but Alan needed more swagger (or swag as the young kids say today). He tells him he needs to be able to embody the style of whatever dance he is given on the show and that was what was missing here. He also hates Alan’s pants.
Mary also hates the pants and Tabitha and Napoleon probably won’t be too happy to hear that sine they look an awful lot like most of the ones that are sold through Nappy Tabs. But they’re not here tonight so maybe no one will tell them. Although maybe they won’t care. After all, it’s not like Nigel and Mary are their target consumers.
Anyway, Mary thinks the dance wasn’t so great for Alan, but she did think he was strong at least. She adored Malece and thought she was on fire tonight.
Next up are Hayley and Curtis. Hayley is a pageant girl (new one, not Toddlers & Tiaras grad or anything) and Curtis says if he wasn’t a dancer he would totes be a basketball player. Even though he totally sucks.
They will be dancing a Dee Casparay contemporary piece involving a ladder. This is a challenge for Hayley because she is afraid of heights; she hopes the ladder isn’t going to be too high. Her statement is immediately followed by Dee telling us the height of the ladder is a little bit scary because it’s fifteen feet high. The costumes people might want to check Haley’s costume for skid marks before putting it away.
You would never know that Hayley had a fear of heights while watching her dance. WOW. I’m impressed. Having a fear of heights myself, I don’t know that I could have done that number without having a mental breakdown. And I’m even more blown away when Mary talks about how the ladder actually sways and moves. Holy shit!
So Hayley was great, but Curtis was not. I am ready for him to go. I think I’d like Hayley more with a different partner. He seems like a sweet kid, but I think he’s in over his head at this point.
It was also at the end of this number that I noticed THE EAR and had a moment of screaming and hollering about the hack being back. What can I say? I hate that guy.
Mary really enjoyed this piece but tells Curtis that he has to watch his shoulders and that she’s given him that note before and he still hasn’t taken it. Don’t worry, Curtis; Alexis doesn’t listen to notes either and she got to stay around.
The Useless Guest Judge makes a comment about their chemistry which leads to Cat questioning Curtis about him taking Hayley out on a date.
Her father is not amused
They’re adorable about it, but I don’t know that it’s going to help them at all.
Nigel tells Curtis he was also disappointed in Curtis because the routine was ruined for him because of Curtis’ shoulders. A few people in the audience boo him. He doesn’t give a crap. He was also disappointed with Curtis’ solo and that gets him some more boos. He doesn’t care some more. But he thought Hayley was magnificent, so there’s that.
After Cat gives us the numbers to vote for Hayley and Curtis she leads us into commercial by talking about how Amy and Fik-Shun will be up next with a Hobo Jazz. Now THIS is where I really freak the fuck out because I KNOW immediately who is choreographing/ripping off that number! And I am HELLA PISSED.
The top one was after the dance started, but the first tweet was literally seconds after the words hobo jazz came out of Cat’s mouth. I seriously lost my shit. I mean, yeah, the guy rips off Fosse and countless others all the time, but now he’s ripping off dances from this show?!?!?! I can’t fucking take it.
Sure enough, when we get back from the break Cat confirms that Amy and Fik-Shun (she’s her Daddy’s sidekick, he’s a karate kid) are dancing a Sir BitchyPants’ Hobo Rip off. The only thing that is saving me from a complete and total nuclear meltdown is the fact that it is these two dancing this piece. My love for them saves me from completely losing it, but I still think someone needs to put a stop to BitchyPants and all his hackery.
So they are adorable and I love them and if I had never seen or loved Wade’s piece maybe I would have loved this one. But I simply cannot enjoy it because it is SUCH a blatant fucking rip off of someone’s else’s WORK. Have you seen the piece I am talking about? If you haven’t, YOU MUST.
So now you know why I’m livid. To even use a song from Triplets as well….it’s like he’s just rubbing it in all of our faces. I hate that mother fucking cock sucking hack so much.
Oh, but how pissed off I THINK I am is nothing because then Nigel has the fucking nerve to heap praise on BitchyPants and say that he thinks it’s the best piece he’s ever choreographed for the show!!!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me you limey bastard?!?!?
It IS amazing, isn’t it? Next week I’ll be choreographing a group number about zombies.
I just can’t with all the praise for this one. They all loved it. And completely ignored the obviously hackery. Grrrrrrrrrr.
I have to move on now before I give myself a heart attack. But I do want to reiterate that my reaction to this dance does NOT affect the way I feel about FA. FA is goodness. BitchyPants is the devil. The end.
Next up are Makenzie and Paul. Makenzie tells us she has a massive crush on James Franco and she thinks Paul looks just like him. I don’t know that I agree with that one, but I do think Paul has that same nasally quality when he talks and that may just be who his voice has been reminding me of. Paul likes to draw.
They also have a Dave Scott hip hop tonight but theirs is about her being a 1930s model and him being her photographer. He’s trying to get her to be sexy. Paul gets giggly about Makenzie being sexy. It’s sort of adorable.
This one is a contract to Dave’s other piece tonight. That one was all sharp edges while this one is all curves and rolls. I think they do a great job with this one and I am buying what they’re selling here.
Nigel is already perving out about Makenzie being sexy. Try to contain your shock. He thinks this was the sexiest routine of the night. He’s not sure why it was touted as being about the 30s because he thinks it was more 20s, down to the bit of Charleston thrown in. But that doesn’t matter because they are on his hot tamale train.
Mary didn’t realize Paul had so much soul in his bowl.
I pack mine with something else
She thought Makenzie was sexy and classy and she loved her in this. She thought they were stunning and did a great job.
So now we’ve reached our last couple of evening, our favorite Amazonian couple, JA. Jasmine tells us she was a tomboy as a kid and even liked to wear football pads and make people call her Zach.
That makes me love her even more than I already do. Aaron tells us that he also likes to sing and make music with his dad and we get to see some footage of them doing just that together.
They have drawn the dreaded quickstep (choreographed by Tony and Melanie). This quickstep is set in the roaring 20s and Tony tells them it is going to be one of the hardest quicksteps they’ve ever done for the show. Hey! They better not be setting JA up to fail!!!!
I fucking love these two. They knocked this out of the park. Now I will admit I am not a ballroom expert, but I know enough from watching season after season to know that these guys KILLED IT. Then they gave it CPR and then they killed it again.
Mary loves the fact that they just went for it out there; they weren’t afraid at all and there was a lot of tough stuff in there. She does tell them they need some work on their frame, but all in all they were super duper fantastic.
Nigel thinks it was really smart for Tony and Melanie to use Jasmine’s legs to great effect during this number. They also used their personality to hide whatever lack of technique they might have had. He says they put them both together originally because of their height and he thinks it is working out beautifully. Nigel and I are on the same page on that one.
Adorably, Aaron does a whole call me maybe thing during his number reciting from Cat. What can I say? I just think he’s the cat’s meow. I still think it’s so crazy that we almost didn’t get him this year. I can’t imagine this season without him.
You know if Robert had done this I’d be yelling about wanting to punch him in the face. My own hypocrisy is not something I am proud of.
Now that all the dances are done it’s time to get to the eliminations. As you might recall from the beginning of the show, Jenna was the only one sent to safety, so now Alan, BluPrint or Curtis and Mariah or Makenzie will go home.
Nigel decides to tackle the guys first this time. Nigel starts with Alan, commending him for his solo tonight but telling him his partnered dance was crap. Curtis gets told once again that he doesn’t listen to notes (like that even matters), and then Nigel goes off on a tangent about some old lady tweet before telling BluPrint that he is going home.
Nigel doesn’t even fuck around and quickly tell Mariah that she’s out too.
Given Makenzie’s performance tonight that’s much of a surprise, and I think it was the right decision this time around.
And there you have, Trashii, another two dancers have been booted. What did you think about this episode? Did you agree with the judges’ decisions? Were you as enraged as I was about the hobo jazz number? Anyone else excited to see Brian Friedman?
I can’t wait to hear what you guys have to say so I will let you get to it!
See ya soon!
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