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RHOBH Recap: New Year, Old Hags | TrashTalkTV

RHOBH Recap: New Year, Old Hags

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Brandi agreed to model for a kids cancer ward. Does Make a Wish know that leathery used vaginas are now making dying kids’ dreams come true? It’s called COMPETITION, bitches!

Try harder.

Also, Carlton designed a stripper room to convince us that her slow downhill transition into looking like Fred Willard doesn’t mean her vagina doesn’t work, …

If thehah weh a penis as lahge as this measuring tape, I would be sitting on it right nah cuz I’M TWENTY K?!?!? WRECKING BAAAALLLLLLL!!! I think I just peed.

… and Kingsleybal Lecter was sent to the California State Mental Hospital for the Crimially Insane.

Therapy tequniques include getting kicked by amateur gay dog trainers Kim found on the bulletin board at Starbucks.

Carlton is arriving at the Hustler store. Because she has a vagina. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it still works. YAWN. It’s like watching a dried up fallen twig trying to squeeze out some sap. But more painful.

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39 comments on “RHOBH Recap: New Year, Old Hags

  1. StaceySuperfly says:

    Candle Wax and Sadness, a fragrance by Brandi G…coming to a street corner in the ghetto near you! Soon to be followed by her new vibrator line aptly named GO FUCK YOURSELF BITCH! I was dying laughing reading your recap RonnieK, and I want to wish you and the whole TTTV crew a Happy New Year and thank you for all the snark and joy you have brought into my cold shriveled heart this year but HEY! How dare you throw shade at the wonderfully lovable Fred Willard??? Carlton will never be as sexy as that “whacky” man…NEVER! Kisses!

  2. SuzieZee says:

    Don’t you love how pathetic Carlton Your Doorman is when she constantly tries to sell us on her crazy, subversive, dangerous sex life? Next week she gets a tribal art neck tattoo. Welcome to 1995, Carlton. Now cover up, you’re scaring people.

  3. Beach gal says:

    “Fill this drink up before I murder a Puerto Rican” who says that? It’s kind of hilarious seeing Brandi go down in flames after how hard she and after Lisa pre season. She just knew that they were going to edit all her bad stuff out but it is all in there.
    I can’t believe I ever liked her.

    • Holyterror says:

      She’s managed to lose her charm, her intelligence, her cool, her looks, her sexiness, and her sense of humor in one half of one season.

  4. Rose says:

    I know I say this every week, but I love your recaps. They make my Tuesday. I wish you could come to Cleveland and watch the show with me. Sounds enticing, right?

  5. Aunt Dorsey says:

    Who knew that Carlton was married to Bowser from ShaNaNa?

  6. classy drunk says:

    No wonder Kyle’s clothes don’t fit. She thinks she is a 4 when she’s really a 4 husky.

    Carlton, ok we get it. You are sexually adventurous.

    Yoyce, one encounter does not make a bully. It’s as if people can’t give you shit anymore without being called a bully.

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      Ahhh, you made me all nostalgic thinking of Sears Chubby Girls and Husky Boys sizes. Back fat optional.

      Piss poor manners and boorish drunken behavior do not equate to bullying in my mind. All Joyce needed to do, instead of yapping on and on about it, was to take Brandi’s advice and STFU and let Brandi’s behavior speak for itself. You don’t win the “I’m a lady with class” card by lowering yourself to that level — you take the high road and shut up. And Hans jumping in to tag team, uhhhhh…..nein, nein, nein, I just wanted them to put on Carlton’s festive red ball gag, even though I thought Kingsley wore his better.

      Joyce is SOOOOooooo dim, she set this crapfest off during hairgate when she tattle bragged to Lisa that she is SO open and to your face, but that Her Beigness and Brandi talked smack about Lisa behind her back.

  7. notasizefour says:

    Brandi said in her blog that she’s a size 4, so Kyle wants us to believe she and Brandi are the same size??

  8. rachelkashmir says:

    Yoyce and her bloated husband remind me of the Belinos: Beautiful, surgically altered wife who couldn’t outwit a used tea bag and self-important, unattractive, dull husband trying to be the Our Marriage is So Strong boiler plate couple. Yoyce needs to stop fronting that she married that loaf for anything other than his BIG, FAT WALLET.

    If Yoyce was a such a classy lady, she would invite Brandi to a lunch where only order water and hash this racism/bully nonsense there. She waits until a dinner party to fight it out, only now she has her inarticulate cHubby there to mumble-fight her battles for her.

    Whether people like it or not, Brandi is carrying the season.

    Kyle is a size 4 like Kim Zoliak is a size 4: IN THEIR DREAMS. Note to Kyle: Just because it zips, doesn’t mean it fits.

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      Ja, but Queen of the Universe also let us know she loves his ginormous knockwurst which is so HUGE it almost doesn’t fit in her eeny weeny teensy “baby-sized” cooter.

    • Holyterror says:

      There’s so much to hate about Joyce without racism. It’s sad that it’s become a focal issue.

      • BuddyChrist says:

        You said it. Even if Brandi wasn’t fighting with her, this chick would be unlikeable. Her rage at Brandi and this racist crap is her way of securing a story line for herself.

  9. labowner says:

    I have to give props to Kim. For as messed up as she has been, she or someone has done a fantastic job with her kids. Happy New Year – back to drinking and reading.

  10. sarcasatire says:

    Poor Carlton is suffering from a terrible disease.

    Noassatall.

  11. MollyMommy says:

    +8 to StaceySuperfly, there is NO better branding for a vibrator line than “GFY,B!”™
    +4 TO Aunt Dorsey on the shriveled ovaries & uterus tattoo.
    Brandi is carrying the season because it’s the poor who get the work done in America.
    Ronny, I love you. I’d do anything to get a ‘next page’ button instead of the teenie tiny page numbers. It was so frustrating trying to hit them on my 4S, I made Santa get me a tablet. Still a difficulty!

  12. Holyterror says:

    So how about that Kim at the racetrack, ‘n’ all? Huh? HUH?

    (Crickets …)

  13. MK says:

    I’d rather watch a Michael Bolton commercial then see another Carlton storyline.
    @Aunt Dorsey are you referring to The Lemon Frog Shop @ Sears? Aww memories.

  14. labowner says:

    Joyce reminds me of Karent from Miami.

  15. sarcasatire says:

    Y’all went IN on Kyle being a size 4 , I’m cracking up over here!

  16. Clare s says:

    Ronnie, thank you for the recap!! It will help me with the withdrawal symptoms I’ve been experiencing because there isn’t a recap. I know most people will disagree with me but what Brandi was doing in Palm Springs was pretty damn close to bullying. I’m not a big Joyce fan and I don’t think Brandi is a racist but if someone I wasn’t friend with & who had been bitchy to me made a remark to me like Brandi did to Joyce I would have been taking off my earrings and putting my hair up to knock that bitch out. If a friend said something like that to me it would be different so I get where Joyce is coming from. Plus who the f*ck other than a teenage girl says we have mutual friends and they don’t speak well of you? I half expected Brandi to stick out her tongue and say so there!! I can’t wait I hope when Lisa turns on her she puts that bitch in her place.

  17. DutchieDevil says:

    Seriously guys, try to get a hold of our “stroopwafels” which is what we call those caramel cookies Yoli’s brother brought for DaFo. I know they are for sale at some of the bicycle shops as you guys treat them as energy bars. They are soooo delicious.

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