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Pump Rules Recap: Break UP, Already! | TrashTalkTV

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Pump Rules Recap: Break UP, Already!

Previously all of Christmas wishes were DENIED when we learned that Jax and Kristen most likely did not bang. BORED. This week it’s back to wondering whether or not Tom and Ariana banged, and I care far less about that possibility. Mostly due to the fact that it probably happened and it doesn’t involve Stassi in a murderous rage, so the shock/entertainment factor is nil.

Everyone shows up to a work meeting lead by Lisa who’s wearing fabulous heels:

HEELS

… and a pretty questionable top.

PURSEI think she mistook her pursestrap for Jiggy.

Lisa’s briefing the staff about the dinner she’ll be having the following night in the garden for Brandi, Mohammed, Yolanda and Joyce – she knows it’ll be a shitshow before it even happens so she advises the staff that everything needs to look great and go perfectly, at least on their end. And this is the team she chooses? Talk about starting off on a sinking ship. She also advises that her friends are… particular, so everyone will need to work that much harder to please them. Stassi translates for the rest of us what that means: Lisa’s friends are assholes who come in, drink the place dry, act like assholes and order things like a chicken salad, but with no chicken and instead of salad, could they have a bowl of white wine? Yeah, those people. BTW, if you’re one of those people, you’ve eaten saliva. Not mine, I don’t engage in such immature behavior, but others of my ilk (Stassi or Kristen, probably) are not so blessed with my patience.

Afterwards, Tom and Jax head to set up the bar and Katie and Stassi head out back to… I don’t know, not do their sidework? Sounds about right. They all talk about the same thing, though, and that’s Jax spreading the rumor that Tom and Ariana hooked up at Coachella. Let me break it down for you so you don’t have to relive the ten minutes of back and forth redundancy I did. Jax implied ON CAMERA that Tom and Ariana slept together. Jax told Stassi this. Jax told Katie this. This got back to Tom. Tom was mad. Jax denied ever saying it (even though it has been caught ON CAMERA), and Katie’s pissed to once again, look like an asshole. Katie comes over to confront Jax about making her look like an asshole, and Jax basically tells her she’s been making herself look an asshole a lot lately. Point to Jax. Essentially, Jax calls everyone else a liar, which usually means he is, so that means… Christ, I don’t even know. My opinion on whether or not Tom and Ariana slept together is the same.

TERRIBLEI DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE. JUST BREAK UP WITH KRISTEN ALREADY.

It’s as if the show hears my thought ray, because at that moment, Kristen walks up to Stassi and Katie and gives us the daily report on Tom’s phone. Seriously, she acts like she’s doing an evening traffic report when she rolls up on Stassi and Katie to talk outside. She finds a pair of calls between Tom and Ariana and just can’t understand why she keeps finding things on Tom’s phone that “shouldn’t be there.” You know what shouldn’t be on Tom’s phone, Kristen? Your white knuckled grip. Even Stassi (even STASSI) thinks Kristen’s gone too far at this point and is only making the situation worse. But Kristen still decides to get Tom to ‘fess up about the phone calls somehow, despite Katie and Stassi advising her that it’ll go nowhere good.

At the same time, in the height of ironic editing, Tom tells Jax that he and Kristen are doing great at the moment (like, seriously, the moment. They probably had a decent 60 seconds that afternoon and Tom’s hanging on to it for dear life.), so he doesn’t want to hear any rumors. He heads out back to take a break.

Okay, so Kristen either showed up to work wasted or Tom’s break was long enough for her to get that way. She heads outside to the patio to meet him and poor Tom is so unsuspecting that he greets her with a ton of sweetness and actually hands her his phone to look at a funny video. She pretends to look at it for two seconds then drunkenly pouts, “Why’d you call Ariana?” Tom CANNOT believe the same argument is coming up again, this time from his own girlfriend, but then fully understands the situation when he realizes Kristen is schnockered. He finally blows up that he didn’t do anything wrong by having a conversation with a friend, and Kristen stalks off. He yells at her that she needs to decide whether or not she wants to be his girlfriend and we cut to commercial.

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19 comments on “Pump Rules Recap: Break UP, Already!

  1. StaceySuperfly says:

    Amazingly hilarious recap! I agree, Jax was the bright shining light in the tunnel of despair called dinner. When Brandi was flirting with him I could LITERALLY see the STD extravaganza their love would surely infect upon each other. I wish the plastic monstrosity previously known as Lisa’s dear friend and neighbor Adrienne had been there to casually mention to Kristin that she is having a nervous breakdown. With any luck Kristen would have burst into flames, melted Le Maloof and we could have all held hands and sang a nice happy go fuck yourself song in Spanish.

  2. Aunt Dorsey says:

    Alejandra, this is pure genius: “Wait, I lied, the funniest thing is watching Jax and Scheana laugh at everyone’s plastic surgery. It’s like the beginning of the Barbie assembly line laughing at the end.”

    This gem from Tom about the Yoyce-Brandi-Hans cat fight had me guffawing like I had a case of the incurable church giggles: “You wouldn’t know these people are mad, if you were just looking at them, because their faces don’t move.”

  3. rachelkashmir says:

    OMGs! I thought the funniest thing ever was Jax wondering why Brandi was fighting with LaToya Jackson and being utterly bewildered by it. I laughed so hard my husband wondered what was wrong with me.

    HorseFace#1 is a nasty piece of work. All that blubbering over Tom was obnoxious. We’ve all had crappy days and gone through tough times, but you deal with it like an adult not like a teenager who was just unfriended on Facebook.

    I’m amused because Lisa is desperately trying to show that she runs a tight ship at SUR but allows these insipid cats in heat represent her on a national level. But if she had normal, professional staff, she wouldn’t have her spin off.

  4. Aunt Dorsey says:

    I’d wondered before if the Queen of the Universe got her snozz done at the Jackson Family Plastic Surgery and Nose Extermination Center, but for Jax to think that was LaToya — priceless.

    I must say this was the best episode of VanderRump Pules evah. I got my nickel’s worth of guffaws.

  5. lawyergal says:

    I, too laughed out loud when Jax said that Joyce was LaToya. And, then, Kristen says, “what did you just say” to Jax. And, I think she’s going to point out his mistake. But, no, she’s focused on the fact that Ariana and Tom are working tongether.

    Alejandra, I think you may be giving that “music producer” too much credit. I don’t think that was a studio apartment. I’m pretty sure it was his bedroom at his mom’s house, lol!

  6. caffeine72 says:

    Watching Kristen’s breakdown is amazing. She’s like the Russian dashcam videos of Bravo. If I worked with her, though, I’d kill her. Bitch, you are the reason that everyone else is in the damned weeds. Suck it up, do your shift, and THEN go get shitfaced and freak out. You’re over 30. You know these things by now.

  7. caffeine72 says:

    And by the way, Team Ariana! Rational thought and open contempt for silly, dramatic bitches will always win me over!

  8. TN Gal says:

    Damn it, my comment didn’t post. Brandi and Jax should get together. Stassi wouldn’t be able to talk shit because it’s Lisa’s friend. She would just have to sulk in her own wine-soaked skin. I think my goal in watching this season is to see Stassi’s head explode. And although I am not one to champion a cheater, I really want Tom to dump Kristen. She is beyond unprofessional. And crazy. Ariana is too smart for this group. I’m afraid the vapid stupidity is going to rub off on her.

  9. Nikki says:

    I quite enjoyed watching RHOBH from the other perspective. Anyhoo, my main question is, what were the circumstances that put Tom & Ariana together without Kristen at Coachella AND Vegas??
    And if they haven’t hooked up, they need to. They are too cute together. :)

  10. jennbug says:

    I just realized I do not use the phrase “others of my ilk” nearly enough. New Years resolution #1! Arianna is waaay to mature for this crew. I think Krazy Kristen almost likes her which pisses her off even more. Also, Sceana dear, those glasses are ridiculous!! Ok, back to reading…..

  11. Aunt Dorsey says:

    I’m ashamed that I didn’t believe StassInfection when she said she was a model. My bad. Came across the photo spread she did a few years ago in her natural brunette state, for what must be Carlton’s S&M boutique — Patent Leather ‘r’ Us. I guess she’s been waxing her glory hole for quite a while.

    Say what you will about her, she’s got the hair dye thing down so she rilly, rilly needs to give her besty, horsey face #2, instructions.

  12. Lisa Taylor says:

    Noone has mentioined the cavalcade of spectacles.

  13. Wills says:

    When horse face #1 says about scheana “I hate those fuckin’ glasses” I laughed my head off. Scheana looks like a total idiot in her specs. They are probably fake.

  14. Limerick says:

    I’ll mention them. This and last episode it was beyond noticeable. I HAVE to wear glasses and to see these vapid wannabes wear glasses as a fashion statement makes me want to puke, especially Sheanna. I wish severe myopia with a shot of astigmatism on all of you!

  15. labowner says:

    I think there is an old lady or two missing their eye glasses in SoCal.

    What sweet revenge for those girls in high school who did not like Kristen, Stassi or Katie.

  16. caffeine72 says:

    I think that they went back in time and found the glasses that I was forced into in 1980.

  17. Madelyne27 says:

    I hang my head in shame for following this… but alas. I see on Twitter that Jax and GG from Shahs of Sunset are planning to hang out. Apparently GG recently dumped her boyfriend and she missed Jax. She may have been drunk bc she deleted alot of the posts the next day.

    Additionally, Jax is working out with one of the non-chefs from Eat, Pray, Love. So he clearly doesn’t have time for the likes of Brandi.

    And I also read that Sheana’s vision is 450/20 and the glasses are real. I don’t know if 450/20 is a real thing. But she is determined to let the Twitter world know she’s blind.

    Okay, I need to go reevaluate my life.

  18. Aunt Dorsey says:

    I feel ya, severe myopia with a double shot of astigmatism have saved me from turning into Scheana and applying makeup with a fire hose — you have to be able to see to spackle that mess on. But the silver lining is, no way do you look like Scheana. Her triple-length false eyelashes bat against those plastic lenses like moths at a windowpane and she looks like Mr. Peepers.

  19. Aunt Dorsey says:

    Jax and GG? That’s promising. Maybe we’ll get to see the reenactment of Lorena Bobbitt tossing that weenie beenie into a field in Manassas.

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