Pump Rules Recap: Break UP, Already!

Previously all of Christmas wishes were DENIED when we learned that Jax and Kristen most likely did not bang. BORED. This week it’s back to wondering whether or not Tom and Ariana banged, and I care far less about that possibility. Mostly due to the fact that it probably happened and it doesn’t involve Stassi in a murderous rage, so the shock/entertainment factor is nil.

Everyone shows up to a work meeting lead by Lisa who’s wearing fabulous heels:

HEELS

… and a pretty questionable top.

PURSEI think she mistook her pursestrap for Jiggy.

Lisa’s briefing the staff about the dinner she’ll be having the following night in the garden for Brandi, Mohammed, Yolanda and Joyce – she knows it’ll be a shitshow before it even happens so she advises the staff that everything needs to look great and go perfectly, at least on their end. And this is the team she chooses? Talk about starting off on a sinking ship. She also advises that her friends are… particular, so everyone will need to work that much harder to please them. Stassi translates for the rest of us what that means: Lisa’s friends are assholes who come in, drink the place dry, act like assholes and order things like a chicken salad, but with no chicken and instead of salad, could they have a bowl of white wine? Yeah, those people. BTW, if you’re one of those people, you’ve eaten saliva. Not mine, I don’t engage in such immature behavior, but others of my ilk (Stassi or Kristen, probably) are not so blessed with my patience.

Afterwards, Tom and Jax head to set up the bar and Katie and Stassi head out back to… I don’t know, not do their sidework? Sounds about right. They all talk about the same thing, though, and that’s Jax spreading the rumor that Tom and Ariana hooked up at Coachella. Let me break it down for you so you don’t have to relive the ten minutes of back and forth redundancy I did. Jax implied ON CAMERA that Tom and Ariana slept together. Jax told Stassi this. Jax told Katie this. This got back to Tom. Tom was mad. Jax denied ever saying it (even though it has been caught ON CAMERA), and Katie’s pissed to once again, look like an asshole. Katie comes over to confront Jax about making her look like an asshole, and Jax basically tells her she’s been making herself look an asshole a lot lately. Point to Jax. Essentially, Jax calls everyone else a liar, which usually means he is, so that means… Christ, I don’t even know. My opinion on whether or not Tom and Ariana slept together is the same.

TERRIBLEI DON’T KNOW AND I DON’T CARE. JUST BREAK UP WITH KRISTEN ALREADY.

It’s as if the show hears my thought ray, because at that moment, Kristen walks up to Stassi and Katie and gives us the daily report on Tom’s phone. Seriously, she acts like she’s doing an evening traffic report when she rolls up on Stassi and Katie to talk outside. She finds a pair of calls between Tom and Ariana and just can’t understand why she keeps finding things on Tom’s phone that “shouldn’t be there.” You know what shouldn’t be on Tom’s phone, Kristen? Your white knuckled grip. Even Stassi (even STASSI) thinks Kristen’s gone too far at this point and is only making the situation worse. But Kristen still decides to get Tom to ‘fess up about the phone calls somehow, despite Katie and Stassi advising her that it’ll go nowhere good.

At the same time, in the height of ironic editing, Tom tells Jax that he and Kristen are doing great at the moment (like, seriously, the moment. They probably had a decent 60 seconds that afternoon and Tom’s hanging on to it for dear life.), so he doesn’t want to hear any rumors. He heads out back to take a break.

Okay, so Kristen either showed up to work wasted or Tom’s break was long enough for her to get that way. She heads outside to the patio to meet him and poor Tom is so unsuspecting that he greets her with a ton of sweetness and actually hands her his phone to look at a funny video. She pretends to look at it for two seconds then drunkenly pouts, “Why’d you call Ariana?” Tom CANNOT believe the same argument is coming up again, this time from his own girlfriend, but then fully understands the situation when he realizes Kristen is schnockered. He finally blows up that he didn’t do anything wrong by having a conversation with a friend, and Kristen stalks off. He yells at her that she needs to decide whether or not she wants to be his girlfriend and we cut to commercial.

TOM PISSEDLook! Your balls are going back! Now break up with the pointy girl.

When we get back, Scheana goes to… some guy’s house to work on her “track.” She wears gold high-heeled sneakers, raps, and tries to be more like Kesha. Her words, not mine.

HIGH HEELED SNEAKERS“I want to focus on my strong points and go a little more the Ke$ha route.”

KE$HA IS NO ONE’S STRONG POINT.  TAKE OFF THOSE FUCKING SHOES.

P.S. This “music producer” produces said music in his studio apartment. I know this because Scheana sat on his bed for most of the session. NEVER WORK WITH ANYONE WHO WORKS WHERE THEY SLEEP.  Sorry for all the caps in this segment.

At Stassi’s apartment, Kristen, Katie and Stassi all get together so Katie can read Kristen’s tarot cards. Okay, now they’re just fucking with her on purpose. Within this reading, Katie tells Kristen that joy and happiness are behind her, pain and anguish are ahead of her and any good she feels now is good tainted by deception. As Kristen listens to this “knowledge,” you can physically see her going so far down the rabbit hole even the Mad Hatter raises an eyebrow.

MAD HATTER“You need to reel it IN, Girlie!”

Then Stassi says some bullshit about Scheana intimating that Tom and Ariana hooked up in Vegas, and in the same breath decides that she also needs to get the truth out of Jax, and in order to do that, she’ll manipulate and seduce him when they all go to Cabo. Kristen weeps and calls Stassi “such a good friend,” even though this is the same girl who believed as early as last week she’d sleep with Jax. Stassi meanwhile, could not be more excited for Cabo.

KRISTEN GOOD FRIEND

“You’re such a good friend.”

STASSI DEVIL

“Your life is my playground. Hey, has anyone seen my flamethrower? I wanna make sure I remember to pack it…”

This bitch is the DEVIL.

At Sur, Jax, Tom and Ariana set up the garden patio for Lisa’s dinner, and Ariana interviews that she probably should be pissed at Jax for spreading rumors, but he’s so pathetic, she doesn’t see the point. A to the MEN, girl. But about the whole staff, not just Jax.

Commercial!

At Sur, Lisa shows exactly how invested she is in this dinner party by putting Stassi in charge of being the peacemaker, keeping Kristen and Scheana out of the party and in general making sure things go well. My broken TV stand would be better at that. Good luck, Lisa!

Kristen, true to form, shows up at work with a U-Haul full of baggage trailing behind her to the point where she’s actually sitting on the curb, crying BEFORE her shift starts. But not before she’s made sure that everyone at the restaurant knows she’s having a horrible, no-good, very bad day. I HATE people like that. I’m having such a bad day, I just don’t know if I can make it through the shift, I just need to take a breath, SHUT UP. I’ll be the first person to say waiting tables is harder than people think, but I’ll also be the first person to say that it ain’t THAT hard. And anyone who goes around announcing that they’re going to have a hard shift is going to make everyone else’s shift unbearable with a bunch of bellyaching and pointy bitchface.

Commercial!

Okay, if anyone should read Tarot cards, it’s ME. What did I just say about Kristen? Making everyone’s lives miserable, bellyaching and pointy bitchface? So she’s outside crying for so long that her station is sat and Peter has to go outside to check on her. She flat-out refuses to work. And not refusing to work for the five minutes it will take her to get herself together in the bathroom, refusing to work in the sense of telling Peter she physically can’t do it. Pro-fess-ion-al. At some point she quiets the “I Dreamed a Dream,” playing over and over in her head, and deigns to head back inside and accept the work offered to her.

PETER KRISTENKristen: “I mean, I GUESS I’m already here. It’s too late for happy hour anyway, so I might as well stay.”

Peter: “Thank you.”

Kristen  “Shut up, I hate everyone here.”

As for the other person forbidden from the party, Scheana bitches to Tom Sandoval that she’s not working the party because, and I quote, “Brandi’s a bitch.” Even Tom raises his eyebrows at that one. Okay, if watching Scheana record a “record” in a “studio” earlier this episode didn’t make you think she was deluded, watching her whine about people not letting go of the fact that she “dated” Eddie Cibrian certainly will. She actually can’t seem to understand why this stigma is still following her around and is actually pissed at Brandi for perpetuating it. I really do like Scheana, but it’s hard to not get frustrated with people when they’re at best, painfully stupid or at worst, high on some sort of household cleaner.

When it comes to the party itself, the Sur staff is hilarious in how they can’t get enough of how ridiculous EVERYONE at the table is. They all run back and forth squeeing about how much plastic surgery everyone’s had, how much swearing is going on and how trashy rich people can really be. I agree, I think it’s funny, too. I thought it was funny the first time I watched it on ROBH about 45 minutes ago. But what’s the very funniest? Watching the entire Sur staff act completely shocked at the RHOBH cast as though they have the ability to go to a public place at night and not do the same fucking thing.

VANDERPUMP RULES CASTWe are completely un-self-aware!

Wait, I lied, the funniest thing is watching Jax and Scheana laugh at everyone’s plastic surgery. It’s like the beginning of the Barbie assembly line laughing at the end.

Oh, and Brandi flirts with Jax – OMG THEY WOULD BE SO PERFECT!!! She’s probably not that much older than him! If only one of them had more money…

Commercial!

The party continues, and Jax is having a great time. All the old ladies but Ken are hitting on him, everyone loves his drinks and the wide variety of nationalities is fascinating to him, even though he doesn’t know what “race” Yolanda is. He calls the dinner a “Drunk United Nations,” and I love him for it. Then he confuses Joyce with Latoya Jackson, and I die with glee. Say what you will about him, but Jax is on a fucking roll tonight.

Oh, hey, remember earlier when Kristen decided she would, you know, do her job?

Well, then Jax lets it slip that Ariana and Tom are bartending together and now Kristen has another excuse to not work. She stalks back to the garden to confront Tom about a work assignment he had no control over, because life just doesn’t feel right her if it’s not coming apart at the seams. Stassi actually does her damn job (I know, I was surprised, too) and keeps Kristen out of the dinner. Kristen’s all, “I SHALL not be moved,” so Stassi gets Tom to leave the patio to come talk. Tom leaves the bar, and I don’t know why he thinks Kristen would be upset about ANYTHING other than a pile of worthless bullshit that is totally of her own making, but he does. He’s legitimately concerned that something of actual weight might be wrong, until Kristen’s all, “Why didn’t you tell me you were working with Ariana you giant liar made of lies?!” The situation devolves within minutes to Kristen accusing him of cheating with Ariana, to the point where Scheana is brought outside to, I don’t even know, testify? Kristin asks what the hell Scheana meant when she told Stassi that she didn’t know anything about “what happened in Vegas three years, ago.” And Scheana says, “I don’t know what happened. I don’t see how I can be clearer about that.” Kristen excuses her from the stand when it’s not what she wants to hear, and banishes Tom back to the bar. Tom continues to say that nothing happened and that he’ll continue to have patience with Kristen.

KRISTEN MADNESSWHY??? THIS IS THE FACE OF MADNESS.

Lisa comes outside to talk Kristen down from the ledge, and is actually super cool about having her dinner interrupted to deal with a crazy person, AGAIN. Though, after what’s happening on the inside, Kristen’s probably refreshing. Nah, she’s not. Kristen seems to respond to Lisa’s grounding presence, but you can guess how long that lasts.

Scheana heads back inside to tell Ariana about the whole fiasco, and Ariana is eight shades of finished with this bullshit. As she and Scheana leave, they confront Stassi, Kristen and Katie and it goes something like this:

Ariana: I didn’t sleep with Tom.

Scheana: She didn’t sleep with Tom.

Kristen: Shut the fuck up, Scheana.

Scheana: YOU shut the fuck up!

Kristen: YOU shut the fuck up!

Ariana: Seriously, we didn’t sleep together in Vegas, we just played cards at the Golden Nugget.

Katie: I’m sorry you’re terrible, Scheana.

Scheana: I’m sorry YOU’RE an alcoholic.

Kristen: Why did my boyfriend delete your texts and calls after Vegas, Ariana?

Ariana: I don’t know why your boyfriend does things. He isn’t my boyfriend.

Katie: Well, he’s cheated on her three times, so, yeah.

Kristen: Yeah.

Ariana: …YEAH. I don’t understand why you’re still together, so I’m just going to walk away slowly.

Everyone remember in the first episode when Kristen said that all the servers in Los Angeles want to be servers at Sur?

NOPE

Next week, the same shit happens, but this time in Mexico. Be sure and tune in!
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