Halloween notwithstanding, October was a scary month with body parts and functions providing more than their share of the…um…humor. We even had limericks involving, guess what?
So let’s get reading the responses to what the reality and the unreality shows provided, shall we?
classy drunk on DM Hurricane…: So basically I had to read 60+ posts to find out who kdance is?!?!?! These LT people are crazy. We are a different breed over here at the Trash. You don’t have to provide clues and riddles, we aren’t smart enough for that. (refer to our choices in television shows). We want our gossip, straight up, no filters.
PageantKidGrownUp on T&T Poo…: Pregnancy =/= two Christmas Turduckens stuffed in pants.
Sheesh on Comment Showcase winners responding to Aunt Dorsey’s win: (Itchy took) Second place to shark fucking
Sheesh on Toddlers and Tiaras minicap: Screw me once shame on me, screw me twice DON’T PUT YOUR KIDS IN PAGEANTS ANYMORE YOU SILLY TWAT!”
Aunt Dorsey on RHONJ: I’ve been enjoying the hell out of those for a week now. I highly recommend the one over at dlisted. Her idea of marriage seems to pieced together from years of the garden gnome’s having the letters of the Playboy Forum read to him. I know he didn’t read them himself, because his lips move when he reads something on his twitter.
Clare s on RHONJ Blaze: Is it just me or does Penny look like a really strung out Kim Richards with a bad dye job?
Itchy on Survivor, Return of the Jackass (on the possibly retouched, but def not photoshopped picture): Probst is paying you for giving him such a huge dong, isn’t he? I’d imagine something more noodly than that.
Parry by Aunt Dorsey: See there, you imagined noodles, I envisioned a wee, tiny something the size of a golf pencil.
Reposte by Itchy: What can I say? I’m generous.
Chick 110 chimed in with: Um, no. There’s actually a pic that’s been around for a while showing that Probst is very well endowed. And with the way he acts, I’m fairly sure he knows it.
Aunt Dorsey added: The bastard! He murdered a poor embryonic elephant and grafted it to his crotch. Wait until PETA hears about this. Seriously, those balls look like Dumbo’s ears. I wonder if he can fly….
Merry on Project Runway Crazy: Not one comment on Helen’s antique-y Betsy Ross bares her midriff thing? It grew on me (some) as I looked at it (like a fungus) but overall it looked dull and aged.
NotWithoutMyTV on Project Runway: My ideas are very innovative. Actually, they’re so innovative, most people refuse to comprehend them! Why aren’t I the inspiration for an “innovator” challenge?
Okay designers! Your inspiration is this car. Your time starts… now.
Okay designers! Your inspiration is adjectives that describe frozen yougurt. Your time starts… now.
Okay designers! Your inspiration is notwithoutmytv. There he is. Take it all in! Your time starts… now.
Is one of those challenges REALLY less feasible than the others?
NotWithoutMyTV on RHONJ Bad Penny: Radar online is reporting that “a source close to the Lauritas” says baby Nick heard Melissa latest song on the radio and now they can’t get him to stop crying. Apparently the troubled child “won’t stop hitting his little forehead on the kitchen floor,” and “Chris and Jacquie are just frantic.”
Aunt Dorsey on DWTS Hollywood: Tristan as Freddy Mercury? Not on your Nelly. More like a lame impersonation by Harvey P. Milquetoast with that anemic caterpillar mustache. Not to mention the fact he seriously needed a prosthetic lunchbox and tighter pants. (Snooki’s glow-in-the-dark teef veneers would have helped too.)
Aunt Dorsey on Sleepy Hollow: If Ich changed to modern dress, with that coiffure and facial hair thing going on, he’d look like a homeless dude. Soooo, he should probably stick with the ones that brang him.
NWMTV on RHONJ Blaze: Are Tiny and her learning-disabled, underachieving brood ACTUALLY getting a spin-off, or is that just scuttlebutt? I don’t know which I’d NOT watch in a bigger hurry: The Tiny Manzo Show, or I Dream of NeNe. TV would be a smarter, classier place if either or both of them were drawn, quartered, and the remains flown into the sun. Aboard disposable rockets, paid for by the proceeds of fines levied on Bravo by the FCC.
Itchy on Survivor Mini: Between Hayden’s troglodytic haircut and his complete lack of an upper lip exposing teeth that would put Alvin the Chipmunk to shame, what’s not to love?
Aunt Dorsey on RHOM: I want Lenny to get a set of matching duck lips and a huge set of bawl implants. Maybe some more hair plugs. They have those nuticals for dawgs. Why not. Then he and his wife would be the perfect set of bots.
Itchy on Survivor I CAN Quit You: Yes! Then they could still have competitions. Such as the “Most Annoying Speech Pattern” competition. That’d be a real nail-biter.
NotWithoutMyTV on Project Runway Butterfly: “This delights Helen, who lets us know that butterflies are, like, her favorite. She even has a monarch butterfly tatoo.”
Helen’s also got a sailing ship tattooed on her ass, a kangaroo tattooed on her left boob, and Amy Winehouse tattooed on her taint. So, it’s not exactly fate smiling on her for this challenge, it’s just the law of averages.
NotWithoutyTV on Project Runway Butterflies: When I bring my unique styling sensibility to Project Runway, I’m going to be competing on behalf of all the straight, white, non-pierced/tattooed men out there, drapping and pleating away in unsung obscurity. For TOO LONG have my kind been overlooked and underestimated by the fashion industry. We’ve had competitors specifically champion all kinds of races, orientations, disabilities, sensibilities, and sob stories on PR, and now it’s time MY people were represented, damn it!
Snowshoecat on Comment Showcase (regarding Itchy’s typo): “NWMTV “one” this once? Be careful, your beginning to rite like eye do.”
Itchy on S.H.I.E.L.D.: ” Now, I like heaving bosoms as much as the next guy, but this is already a tiresome gambit.” Gonna have to disagree with you there, buddy. As if heaving bosoms could EVER be tiresome.
Itchy on Survivor: Tell you what… mom’s coming for a visit in a couple of weeks. I’m going to wait until she steps off the train then BLAM!
PageantKidGrownUp on T&T Cherish: Since I’m stupidly BORED…. TLC is now hyping a new (I think?) show “ARE YOU A FAMILY IN CRISIS? America’s favorite nanny, Jo Frost, is back for an EXCITING new show and ready to use her expertise to help families that have run out of options and need her help! Are you a family in crisis? Maybe they are just going to dump all the T&T families on that instead?
Classy Drunk on Comment Showcase: nominate!!!! SSC you are on a roll this week! Or maybe I like when people pick on Itchy. Either way. I like it!
Pope Philly on DWTHS Family Affair: I so wish Valerie would have walked over to Christina and just said, “Sweetie, I shouldn’t even be alive right now. Would you mind shutting the fuck up?” And she’d say it in a ridiculously charming and likable way.
Chaosbutterfly on Dancing with The Stars..: We get it, you’re super in shape. Bitch. *sips a cool glass of haterade*
Classy Drunk on Comment Showcase: HA!!! I took Itchy’s spot. This week can’t get any better. My diabolical plan has come to fruition. MUAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! *coughs* *chokes a bit* MUAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
NotWithoutMytV on Survivor: I hate Jiffy Probst and everything to do with him. You know how the Grinch felt about Christmas? Jiffy Probst is my Christmas.
Gypsy on RHONJ Longest 90 Minutes…: It’s like double coupons days! OR even 10 for a dollar at your local Stop & Shop. Or Oprah’s Favorite Things Special: YOU GET A FELONY, YOU GET A FELONY & YOU GET A FELONY!It’s just that easy.
cattyfan on Survivor: “One-Armed Dude, Three Moms, and a Douche Bag” Sounds like the title of a new NBC show.
Merry on Runway Butterfly: You read my mind. How many little kids beg mommy or daddy to let them go to sewing camp?
notwithoutmytv on Runway Butterfly: “I wish my friends and family would take me to a local water park.” Friends and family don’t let loved ones ride the Urine Flume.
Slickery on RHONJ Longest 90: Penny and her no-neck husband Johnny the Greek are suing Jacqueline, Joe/Melissa, Bravo, the production company, and the salon over that fight, claiming the production company set it up, lured them in, then held him back from fighting. They also claim Jacqueline hit him with her stiletto. That’s an “I don’t like my edit” lawsuit.
Labowner on T&T mini: “Way to be racist, hippie.” Whoa, why all the negative energy man? You’re harshing my mellow.
TN GAL on Project Runway Time and Money: I bet Tim Gunn looked more graceful than a ballerina falling down those steps, whereas I would look like an escaped psychiatric patient doing an interpretive dance.
Annie on RHONJ Time and Money: Hey everyone, sorry I am late to the commenting, but wouldn’t you know it? I got charged with 40 counts of ID theft, fraud, tax evasion, and other pesky federal charges. IT HAPPENED TO ME!!! But, I’m all good now….looking at some prison time, but other than that, life is FABULICIOUS!
TN GAL on RHONJ Time and Money: I’m planning a trip to Target and Kohls later today. I hope I can get back home without racking up and pesky felonies and/or federal charges.
ChaosButterfly on SLeepy Hollow Hessians: *raises hand meekly* I would like to touch the sexton. I would also be down to perpetrate some delinquencies. Perhaps both at once.
Call me, Ich.
Chicken Lips on T&T Bearded…: Harry and Thalya remind me of young kindergarten love, “Thalya smells like poo!” “Nu-unh! Harry smells like poo!” “Nu-unh!” “Yuh-huh!” “Shut up stupid head!” “No, you shut up, stupid head!” And 5 minutes later it’s all “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Except I can’t imagine anyone wanting to see any of that at all.
PageantKidGrownUp on T&T Bearded…: There wasn’t even the snark worthiness of Triscuit this week. Sigh. When Triscuit is the snark light of the season, you know something is terribly, terribly wrong.
sagittariuskim on T&T Bearded…: I didn’t understand Harry’s barrier comment. Was he talking about breaking barriers on this show or in pageants? We’ve seen straight pageant dads and he isn’t one of them. And we’ve seen skinny pageant moms too.
Chicken Lips on T&T Bearded…: Oh, and another thing – those pictures that they use at the beginning of each brat’s, I mean lovely child’s, segment, are those supposed to be pictures of them? Because most episodes you can kinda see the resemblance, but this week I didn’t see it at all! Plus, they are creepy.My brother has photoshop – I’m going to try to make a picture of me look like the TnT pics. It will be the best picture taken of me EVER. Even though it won’t be me.
CattyFan on Project Runway Time and Money: Helen’s inspiration was an eye, but then she used all that red. Made me want to spray her collection with a big bottle of Visine.
Aunt Dorsey on Project Runway Time and Money : Helen does so have stuff to whine about! She has to live with that collection of lame ass tattoos until she’s an old lady. She should have gotten black crop circles like the last winner (sorry, I’ve already forgotten her name), they go with anything.
Slickery on Sleepy Hollow Hessians: So what you are looking for here is a pivotal plot point hinging on an urgent need for Katrina to take a bubble bath?
Aunt Dorsey in T&T Bearded Lady: I think they should have a Crackpot Supreme for the momager who does the best rendition of their kid’s routine, while standing in the audience. I’ve always been gob smacked in admiration of the talent displayed and it should not go unrewarded.
notwithoutmytv on Project Runway Time and Money: She also has to live with a truly fulminant case of facial ungiftedness.
Whatwhat on ANTM No Crying: the bucket came in handy when she walked out with the ceiling high helmet hair that is CLEARLY some stylist’s idea of a new amped up hysterical version of the Emperor’s New Clothes. Don’t worry guys, if you tell her it looks super high fashion she’ll totally buy it!
Itchy on Comment Showcase Winners: Look, I’m not here to make friends. I’m here for the money. This could really change my life. And boo hoo for Classy Drunk. This is Bad Commenters Club, not the Disney Show. Looks like I’m going have to fricassee me some Chicken Lips too. Mmm, fried chicken. Pass the hot sauce!
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase Winners: You know if this was “Chopped” you’d also be required to name a disease of the week and/or a favorite inspiring dead relative. Do you also wear skankly outfits in the Bad Commenters Club and are you prone to throw down and “cut a bitch”– or am I thinking of another bad show entirely?
Sheesh on Comment Showcase: @itchy…don’t forget that you are only kicking sand to make a better life for your kid.
Cattyfan on Comment Showcase: I’m just glad no one is blathering on about how it’s “an honor just to be nominated.”
Aunt Dorsey on Comment Showcase: Waaaaaay to go Itchy! Congratulations, you’ve won a tie-dyed wife-beater tee just like Rupert’s and a weeks stay, just the two of you, at Redemption Island.
Itchy (wrappin’ up the comments): Not to mention buying a house for my folks and taking care of my sick granny in the hospital. But I didn’t want to come off as pimping my personal tragedies.
Now….where’s my bikini? The one with the tassels, of course. I just got a new headful of extensions, so I’m trying to stay out of trouble.
Aunt Dorsey on RHOM Party: Unless there was an open bar with plenty of booze flowing, no way I would have waited two hours for the Bridezilla to make her grand entrance. She is a rude, delusional wing nut in five languages.
PopePhilly on DWTS Memorable: Brant is just another “star” who is on the show because he happens to be getting a paycheck from ABC/Disney anyway. Come to think of it, most of this cast is.
Sheesh on Top Chef Mini: OMG! Orphan Andy! Button up your shirt at the table. Ew. No one wants to peek at your chestful of buckshot when they’re trying to tuck into a delicious strawberry shortcake. Ew ew ew.
PageantKidGrown up on T&T Mini: When the mothers were saying how their coochie spawn were the ones to beat, I was ready to grab my Brick In A Bag ™ and start beating the child. Then grabbing my Cinder Block In A Bag ™ and beating all of the parents. Traven’s sub and Jaidyn’s cry baby for thinking the behavior was cute. Extra whack to the sub who finds her Dom son’s behavior to be even remotely acceptable. Then I’m taking my Cinder Block In A Bag with deluxe supreme with anchovies and pineapple additional toppings Lead Weight ™ and beating Aja’s dictator.
denda on T&T Mini: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a T & T episode featuring 3 moms with such a collectively low IQ. I feel sorry for all the kids, and for Arkansas.
Aunt Dorsey on T&T Mini: I’m sure that West “By God” Virginia sent Arkansas a fruit basket of thanks and Kansas probably chipped in for the thank you card.
PageantKidGrownUp on T&T Mini: Traven’s illegitimate child raiser. Seriously. If my husband would dare say “Damn you sexy” or any of her other comments, he’d only be on television on one of those perverts arrested and thrown in general population shows. Which totally ignores the fact that I would have beat him into a small enough puddle of snot that a single one ply tissue would clean up the mess. Or if I had somehow gone off the deep end and agreed with him, CPS would have taken my kids yesterday.
Aunt Dorsey on T&T Mini: That patriotic “Cat in the Hat” outfit was something else. Has she ever even read the book to her kid? It looked like a Swiss Miss package involved in an industrial sparkle factory accident and the bedazzled stovepipe landed on her head. Aside from that, what part of American History was Dr. Seuss’ imaginary character involved in?
Chicken Lips on T&T Mini: Crabby, the boxer was OBVIOUSLY Rocky kickin’ some murdering Russian ass! You don’t get to kill American legend Apollo Creed and expect Rocky Balboa to let it slide. And you know what? To that I say, “‘MURICA!”
And it STILL made more sense as “American History” than Dr. Seuss.
Itchy on Survivor Two Lauras: On the positive side, the expression “DebbieDowner” immediately brings to mind “Debbie Does Dallas” which is a pleasant image. On the other hand, the fact that it calls this movie to mind makes me feel really old. Which is quite depressing. So. Yeah. Thanks?
Hatched One on Sleepy Hollow Wet T-Shirt: There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said “What the hell;
You get used to the smell
And look at the money you save”
I didn’t write this, but I’m happy to share!
NotWithoutMyTV on T&T History Fail: LaNesia sold me some good shit one time. Just about made my toe nails curl up. And I paid that devil child of hers $10 to throw a rock through the windshield of this guy who owed me money. So keep your shade about LaNesia and her kid to yourself. They’re good citizens. LaNesia (or “Neezy”, to her friends and regular customers) is known as the Oxy Queen of Pulaski. Traven’s a quick study, too… Once he hits middle school, that boy’s gonna open up a whole new market!
Aunt Dorsey on T&T History Fail: I just want her to give me the name of the “dentist” who did those two gold teef for her. That shit is fashion forward.
Chicken lips on T&T History Fail: She has gold toofers? I thought those were Summer Teeth (some are here, some are there) that are common in Arkansas. Maybe she just needs to polish them up because I didn’t even notice them.
Danator on Project Runway : because any time you can quote Beyond Thunderdome is a GOOD TIME in my ‘hood: Christopher is up next. His look is a little.. Mad Max? Is there a better way of describing that? 2 shirts go in… 1 comes out.
Aunt Dorsey on Sleepy Hollow Wet T-Shirt: fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could fart from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan’s Mikado.
He’d fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus :
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum, tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccato,
He’d boom from his ass
Bach’s B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
….. There are seven more stanzas, the last being:
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
“To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr.”
c. 1938-1948 Anonymous
Paige on T&T History Fail: Just wanted to mention that my DVR’s info screen listed the kid’s name as “Tavern” and not Traven…which I thought was the awesomest pageant name I’d ever heard…
Aunt Dorsey on T&T History Fail: Say what you will about Traven, but I think he’s a damn good testimonial to the benefits of having your tubes tied.
Aunt Dorsey on NeNe Dirty Diana: It ought to be a fucking requirement that any Bravo asshat that wants to do a “Great Gatsby” themed wedding has to read the damn book first. The movie doesn’t count.
Chicken Lips on T&T History Fail: (Desperately hoping this goes where I want it to go so no one thinks I’ve been hitting the boxed wine a little harder than usual) You guys have to take a bus to hell? Amateurs. I’ve got 2 first class airline tickets (2 seats because I like to stretch out and dammit I’ve earned it) and the stewardess will bring me all the Tinker Tea and Little Debbies I want!
TN Gal on T&T: American History Fail: What are the rest of us going to do? Pack up our box wine and Little Debbie cakes, jack our hair to Jesus, and in our best “shparkle babeeee” voice, we are going to catch the ultimate grand supreme with double glitz bus to hell. Want me to save you a seat?
Aunt Dorsey T&T History Fail, In reply to notwithoutmytv: Isn’t being “SACTIFIED” what happens to the quarterback? Not that I watch football. The late, lamented Uncle was a Redskins fan and used to annoy me by announcing how badly they were losing in his stentorian voice, interrupting the trash TV I was trying to watch in the basement.
Madelyne27 on Cheer Perfection: Here’s more personal sht… I’m 42 (or 41, I forget), and I just did a better Spread Eagle than most of the Youth Silver girls. Granted, I may never walk again, but my dogs were fking impressed. Now I hope CP gets another season and people realize that NO ONE wants to recap this show. Unless some Lap Band surgeon wants to sponsor it. Plus, I hear Law & Order: SVU is doing an episode based on Torrann. They’re using a black stroke victim to play her dad. And June “Mama Boo Boo” as the mom.
Itchy on Survivor Mini: When I saw that the ‘puzzle’ involved arranging numbers in numerical order, I rolled my eyes. They really did want to Culpooper to stand a fighting chance, didn’t they?
Aunt Dorsey on American Horror Story Creepy Meter: This Supreme business is giving me a Tot’lers and Tacky Tiaras vibe. Are they sure there isn’t an Ultimate Grand Ultra Wiccan Supreme swanning around out there somewhere?
Aunt Dorsey on Survivor Mini: Yeah, alas poor PepperPooter, the winds farted and blew his ass out of there. I hope his ears steered him to a safe landing. Sniff. Such a loverly speech to his bride. I was all verklempt, until I took another sip of Old Door Knob.
TN Gal on Comment Showcase Winners: You know, if we all went drinking, we would have the best time ever on the ride home in the back of a cop car!
Mulligan on New Atlanta Bathroom: @dqh257 It is refreshing to have a villain without redeeming qualities for sure. I agree, I love that she owns it, but the one thing she is lacking is quality backup. Any good villain needs enough of a good group of yes-people that even when they are so obviously wrong it’s criminal, their posse is still defending them to the heavens. No one seems to be on Team Alex and that is disappointing.
Classy Drunk on New Atlanta Bathroom: I live in Atlanta. Many women are still falling for Vawn. When I speak with him I keep it short to ensure I’m not one of those women cuz good grief he’s good looking.
Chooch on Project Runway Punk Rock?: I am SHOCKED by the way Jeffrey looks! I had such a crush on him during his season and was so thrilled when he won! Now he looks like he’s been sittin’ on the couch watching PR, eatin’ Lays potato chips while throwin’ back a few brewskys all these years…..
TN Gal, regarding Laura B. on Survivor: She does seem like she is short a luft ballon from the required 99. Then again, she married Rupert.
CattyFan on Project Runway Punk Rock?: That picture of Johnny Rotten made me think Gary Busey and Iggy Pop had a baby.
NotWithoutMyTV on Teen Mom 3 Strike…: Katie really needs to work on her personality and mental health, because relying on her looks to get by is a non-starter.
NotWithoutMyTV on Project Runway Punk?: You know around the 4th of July, when all your friends have fireworks, but your mom won’t let you have any, so somebody sells you an M-80 for a $5, and you’re super excited but he sold you a dud and it just lies underneath the garbage can and doesn’t even smoke or fizzle, and everyone makes fun of you, and you decide you’ll hate the 4th of July, and maybe life in general, forever?
That’s what having Alyssa Milano host PR All Stars is like. She’s a $5 M-80 dud that ruined your life.
Hatched One on Teen Mom 3 Strike…: gina (#2 remark): I think she aspires to fill the “I’m-too-lazy-to-make-rehab-work-so-I’ll-just-go-to-jail-instead” shoes of Amber Portwood (are there blankets and couches in jail?)
Hatched one on Top Chef Vietalian: Didya ever notice that no one says “We’re going to eat Canadian tonight?” (getcher minds outta da gutta)
Vallegirl on Survivor Brain Fart: I still can’t get over that Pepperpot lost because he couldn’t count. And by can’t get over I mean “laugh and laugh and laugh again at what a dumbass he is.”
Itchy on Survivor Brain Fart:Between her Catwomanish plastic surgery and Uber-boobsd, and Pooperfart’s Ed Roman-inspired douchebag tats, I think it’s safe to say that this couple is kickin’ and screamin’ as Father Time drags them into middle age…
ChaCha on Survivor Brain Fart: It’s okay, Potty, I never looked a shark in the eyes in person either. (Thank God!) Actually her eyes look like the demons’ eyes on Supernatural. Scary regardless….
anonymous on Survivor Mini: Did a grown woman seriously just beg her boyfriend, unprovoked, not to break up with her in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE?!? I just…can’t.
Itchy on Survivor Mini: Well, I thought she (Kat?) was kind of cute with that whole sniffly pretty-blonde save-me-papa gambit. Gets me every time.
notwithoutmytv on Teen Mom Lie to Me: Who in his right mind would want to get explicit pictures from Katie?? “My dumbhead bf just broke up w me in a note. Heres a pic of my hooch. ”
No, I’m just glad to see you on Survivor Mini In reply to itchy: Yep, nothing says adorable like a brainless, needy succubus hell bent on taking you down with her. Hope Mrs. Itchy holds your wallet for you.