It’s the last weekend of 2013, and we’re closing in on the last months of comments. Since I realize that I will never break my procrastination habit, I’ve already broken my 2014 resolutions.
I’m down with that.
Somewhere in this month’s comments is a phrase that I will try to work into a conversation at some point before the year ends. Can anyone guess what it is?
Fortunately I have very tolerant friends.
Enjoy, my sweeties.
Chicken Lips on Aaryn and Amanda Bleach their Poopers: Hmmm. Well, I don’t think I’ll ever have to bleach my butthole. The rainbows and unicorns that shoot out of mine keep it pretty appealing. Polish your rainbow and unicorn dispenser, sparkles extra?
Aunt Dorsey on Aaryn and Amanda Bleach their Poopers: What a great sideline though, asshole bleacher to the stars…..bunghole buffer? Browneye wrangler? Polish your rainbow and unicorn dispenser, sparkles extra?
Crazy Rooster on Aaryn and Amanda Bleach their Poopers: Now that you mention it this picture looks sort of faintly pornish… not that I would know a thing about that
Make your pooper super dooper?
Catty Fan on Aaryn and Amanda Bleach their Poopers: I only produce butterflies and tiny flowers. I feel very inferior.
Robin on Aaryn and Amanda Bleach their Poopers: I have dear friends. A few I have known since I was a teen. In some cases we have nursed each other through illness, surgery, etc. Never once have we ever said to each other “I don’t like saying this, butt I would rather you hear it from me, Your butthole needs to be bleached”.
Seriously..what started it? Did they just look at each other and decide it would be a good idea to check out each others butthole? Man, I have been bored before..but..I mean, butt..
Replied by Chaosbutterfly on Aaryn and Amanda Bleach their Poopers: Oh girl. Sounds like you need to find better friends.
Catty Fan on Comment Showcase: My festive poop got nominated?! I don’t know whether to be thrilled or embarrassed.
NotWithoutMyTV on Siberia: If the recap’s late, obviously we Trash Talkers figure something delayed you–ninja dance marathon, meemaw went home to Jesus, giant robot combat suit failed to integrate with your nervous system.
Chicken Lips on Comment Showcase: You see it as a mess, I see it as a helpful discussion of the anal functions between friends. If you can’t share your rainbows, unicorns, butterflies and tiny flowers with friends you met on a trashy tv site, then who can you share it with?
(PS – Trashy is the adjective to the TV, not to the site)
Catty Fan on Comment Showcase: I figured with the content of the comments, you would tie in Katie Couric with her on-air colonoscopy in 2000…during which there were no unicorns, rainbows, butterflies, or tiny flowers present.
Itchy On BB Double Ex: I’m pretty sure the rest of his village gave him that nickname. You know, every small town has its village idiot, right? Something like: “There’s good ol’ J-U Double D, holding up the signpost outside the KFC.”
RonnieK on Big Brother in 2 Min: Week 10 Recap: Defeat of the One Piece: Yes!! F ing Bravo keeps citing me for copyright infringement!! They’re assholes.
CattyFan on Big Brother 15 Recap: Floaters, grab a housekey “I wanna see his half-asleep ass get all strung out on Adderall and solve cold fusion before passing out on top of the coffee table.”The only fusion Judd will ever be mentioned in the same sentence with starts with “con.”
Holyterror on Million Dollar Listing: I’d just like to say that all deer are complete fuckers, and I’d like to beat the shit — and my tulips– out of all of them.
Snowshoecat endorses that sentiment wholeheartedly. And cosigns the hell out of it.
DelusionsofCandor on The Challenge Again and again…: I feel like Johnny has paid them all to never mention the Johnny Bananas Backpack again. Personally, I would find a way to mention it in every sentence I uttered in his presence.
Sheesh on Sister wives Mini: Can’t TLC just drop the charade and rename this show “Kody and the Mamas”?
Gypsy on the Challenge Again and Again…: I picture Bananas being the biggest Momma’s boy. She still irons his undies. She’s like…. the Smother Mother from the Taco Bell commercials!
Explains a lot actually.
Gypsy on the Challenge Again and Again… : @yeknom- we are in violent agreement, LOL!
Merry on Sister Wives: Maybe that’s just me, but if my guy gave me a piece of jewelry from MSWC as a gift, all I’d be able to see is a huge subliminal message reading, “I want to collect wives so I can screw other women with your full permission.” Oh, and the PS, “I’m really tacky and cheap.”
Misred on RHONJ Whores: True Dat, Gypsy!! “My sister in law cahhhppppppies everything I dooooooo.”
Aunt Dorsey on Eat Drink Love: Poor little Chipmunk. I wonder if those “packets” included complimentary silvery, glittery sake sets? and Poor little Chipmunk, whip out the orchestra of tiny violins, the “white trash” daughter of a mom she dismissively calls a trophy wife. She is a ‘Queen for a Day’ candidate for sure.
Getting my schadenfreude on. Yeah buddy.
Gypsy on the Challenge Again and Again…: Can we also discuss how unaware Frank is about being 70’s Tom Selleck’s doppelganger? That or, a 70’s full on body hair & stach porn star? Neither of which are looks I would emulate proudly.
Sheesh on RHONJ Livewire: Wanna know what’s sick?
Walking in on your brudder sucking his wife’s toes and NOT immediately throwing up your left hand to block the unholy sight of what’s happening making gagging noises and swing your right hand violently against the door to gain purchase as you back out as fast as humanly possible.
Or to sit their and smile as your sister-in-law waltzes in on you as your getting a toejob instead of screaming and diving under the bed.
How bout this.
Your sister walks in on you sucking the polish off of your wife’s toes and instead of almost biting one off because of the shock and surprise you grin like Malcolm McDowell after he was unrehabilitated in “A Clockwork Orange”
NotWithoutMyTV on RHONJ: Her open mouth is also a problem when words come out. She really should just stop that whole talking thing.
Also, she might think about only meeting new people in total darkness.
NotWithoutMyTV on RHONJ Livewire: Wanna what’s even more sicker?
Voluntarily being on a show where the producers say “Okay, we’ve got to get a shot of yucky Midge and Melissa sex, ‘cuz that’s the formula”, and saying “I know! What if I suck onna my wife’s toes, and my sistah could come inta da room, an it’ll be friggin’ gross! Maybe we could get Ritchie in here ta drop his pants, too! Friggin’ hilarious!”
And the producers respond “Well, maybe we can get some pixelated ass on tape later, but for now, let’s have your sister give you this sparkly thong, because we got paid to product-place it, and we don’t want to have waste too much thought on getting that shit done. Joe Guidice had enchiladas for dinner last night, and we gotta get a shot of him coming out of the john in about 10 minutes, so let’s shoot this quick.”
Itchy on BB in a Fury: One of these days, someone on reality television is going to look right into the camera and say: “Yeah, yeah. Fuck you too, itchy.”
Plockness Monster on The Challenge Again and Again…: I don’t give a shit if they are real or fake. Bitch needs a bra in the worst way.
Pope Philly on ANTM: In theory, the nail shoot is kind of cool for guys. There’s something I like about something so inherently feminine being presented in such a masculine way. However, in practice, it was just awful.
Itchy on BB Floaters: No….go easy on Mr. D. He’s still in mourning over the meltdown of the Hantz family, knowing that Russell may never make it back on television ever again has him grasping at straws. Poor guy.
Itchy on Comment Showcase: At this point, I think we should just give NotWithoutMyTV a crown and a scepter and reign of all the treasures in Commentland. Then we send in Chooch to seduce him with her wily ways …while Mister Dangerous sneaks up (from behind, of course) and cuts off his head. Maybe then the rest of us will have a chance at being “the funny one” for once. Except… well, you just know that Zombie NotWithoutMyTV would be even funnier.
NotwithoutMyTV (Replying to Itchy) on Comment Showcase: But my zombie fingers would slower to type, and probably clumsy. And there’s just not a lot of laughs in advanced decomposition. There are a few, but not many.
MisRed on RHNJ Livewire: Tre has a good body- ok, we get it, you work out, but honestly, most strippers have better beaver coverage than Tre.
Followed by Gypsy:
“Hello this is MisRed coming to you live from the WWHL Clubhouse! Tonight we are talking about just what IS the right amount of #beavercoverage for a Housewife.”
Meaghan on ANTM: I’m just waiting for Kelly Cutrone to make a Gretchen Weiners speech. “Why should Tyra get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under her big forehead? Kelly is just as pretty as Tyra. Kelly is just as smart as Tyra. People totally like Kelly just as much as they like Tyra, and since when is it okay for one bitch to be the boss of everyone, because that’s not what Top Model is about! We should totally just stab Tyra!!!!”
I may have embellished that last bit there to make it more appropriate to the situation.
Delusionsof Candor on The Challenge Again and again… :Can you imagine how exhausting it must be to be his friend? The minute he pulled one of those bobble heads out in public I would be so gone.
Did you notice he didn’t argue when Wes claimed his lifestyle is subsidized by his mother? The whole thing was sad/amazing/sad again.
Novileigh on the Masterchef (in regards to the upcoming Junior Masterchef): You’re recapping Junior? That alone makes me want to watch, in spite of me avoiding watching shows about children . . . the screaming blond harpy from the commercial already makes me want to insert my hands and tie my tubes manually.
EP on ANTM: This show has gotten so downhill i bet the overseas trip is someplace like Mexico like last year when the went to Jamaica which everyone knows is one of the fashion capitals of the world.
CattyFan on Project Runway: I never realized plaid is “Southern.” Who knew?
NotWithoutMyTV on Sister Wives: “…plus they repeated pretty much everything they said while talking to each other in the interviews, and vice versa.” That’s how TLC shows roll: the Browns\Little Couple\Whothefuckever do or say something on screen while narrating “We’re buidling a treehouse!”. Then they interview about it: “We thought it would be fun to build a treehouse.” Then there’s a commerical break, (which might include a spot for the show you’re already watching, including the “We thought it would be fun to build a treehouse!” clip). Then because TV thinks America has the brainpower of a festering bowl of dog snot, the show recaps what you say four and a half minutes before: “We’re building a treehouse!” Meanwhile, somewhere in Kansas, NWMTV loads a handgun.
NotWithoutMyTV on Tonight’s Top 10:Ah yes. The Project Runway “average woman” challenge–the perennial Achille’s heel of every whackjob TV-friendly clothing designer:
“But, I’m a COSTUME DESIGNER!! What do I know about desiging for NORMAL WOMEN???? [Flounces out of sewing room; Tearfully calls life partner on product-placed smartphone]
Aunt Dorsey on Survivor Mini: I consider it my personal obligation every season to yell, SHUT THE FUCK UP, at Probst at every opportunity during the challenges. He is an anal orifice and a douche nozzle, albeit a clogged one.
Itchy on Survivor Mini: I don’t understand, Mr. D. “That guy” isn’t exactly your type (short, bald, hairy gnome-like). Unless you’re speaking about… gasp… Rupert?
notwithoutmytv on Project Runway: Plaid and the Southern Woman: They’re in the [product placed] hair and make-up saloon EVERY DAY. Don’t you think one of those saloon people could say “Helen, honey, I can do smokey-eye/wet lip/warrior-chick fauxhawk for your model in 30 seconds flat. Let’s use the rest of the time on YOU, and sort out that undead junkie thing you’ve got going on.”
Ed on the Challenge: I didn’t think I’d ever dislike a cancer survivor, but Diem and Lance Armstrong have proven me wrong!
Aunt Dorsey on The Challenge : When CT met Diem. Again…And Again,,, “Ah Wes, King of the chapped dicks.”
Novileigh the Masterchef the $250,000 Dessert in regards to the upcoming Junior Masterchef) : You’re recapping Junior? That alone makes me want to watch, in spite of me avoiding watching shows about children . . . the screaming blond harpy from the commercial already makes me want to insert my hands and tie my tubes manually.
Betty on Big Brother Finale: This is the only reality TV show I’ve seen where all three of the final contestants will be told “Well done and oh by the way, you don’t have jobs to go back to.” The advert at the end for next year’s contestant should be “Are you an insane racist who doesn’t mind unemployment?”
Frizzypop on Sister Wives: However Janelle should do a spin off…maybe titled something like “Janelle! I’m Free and No Longer Supporting My Idiot Ex Husbands Stupid Harem” or “Just Janelle! TGIF!”. I’d watch it!
Itchy on Survivor Mini: I don’t understand, Mr. D. “That guy” isn’t exactly your type (short, bald, hairy gnome-like). Unless you’re speaking about… gasp… Rupert?
Sheesh on RHONJ Cannoli Blues: That ponytail was so garish, it came onscreen 5 minutes before Penny did.
Merry on Sister Wives: My dear Robyn, a suggestion for you to prevent this “ambushing” you find so distasteful: get off TV. There’s a quaint old-fashioned little notion called keeping your personal life personal. If your family wasn’t on TV and you didn’t scamper around bleating about your polygamist lifestyle, no one would bother you because they wouldn’t know. Openness is a wonderful thing, but when meeting someone new, the first phrase out of your mouth can be something other than: “I’m one of this douche Kody’s harem.” v
notwithoutmytv on RHNJ Cannoli: They CAN’T stop; “Bitch Can’t Sing” is approved formula plot #4 for the franchise! It’s been discussed, voted on, and ratified by Andy Cohen, Queen of UnReality. All the “good” Housewives franchises have had used it.
The “Bitch Can’t Sing” plot goes thusly:
1. Bitch who can’t sing (BWCS) inexplicably starts a singing career.
2. Bravo hooks BWCS up with a bush-league producer (who once might have mixed Weird Al Yankovic’s “Biggest Ball of Twine Ball Minnesota”)
3. Bush-league producer says BWCS is “goin’ places”, BUT “we’ve got work to do…”
4. BWCS is shown doing no work, while the Oboes of Buffonery play to assure us that the BWCS’s music career should not be taken seriously.
5. Bravo brings in slightly bigger-gun producer, who finds out the BWCS, in fact, cannot sing, and they all sit around making “who farted in the studio” faces. Slightly bigger-gun producer gives BWCS the patented “this is the big leagues, this is YOUR dream” speech, and sends BWCS to singing lessons or to one of his out-of-work homies with an autotune deck.
6. BWCS records a BUMP-BUMP, WHOOP dance traAAAck, which is so heavily autotuned that she sounds like lost sperm whale using Robbie the Robot to translate her distress calls, and it drops to “great success” (a few RH superfans download it as a novelty ringtone). Bravo throws a party, so that there can be drama over who shows up, who doesn’t, and how late those who do show are.)
7. BWCS’s music “career” goes dormant until the show needs a plot and creates some drama about royalties or “song”-writing credits.
And Kandi sucks, too. The other members of her group were clearly carrying her rapidly widening ass.
notwithoutmytv on Cannoli: I’ll wear one if it comes with a certificate authenticating that it was actually removed from the scalp of Milania. By an Apache. I won’t wear it, but I will ritually burn it the next time there’s a family reunion barbecue next door.
notwithoutmytv on Project Runway: Ken’s destiny–the vindication of his entire existence–was to be the back-up villain on Project Runway. When Sandro self-destructed, Ken was there to fill the bitchface void. But calling him things like “ticking time bomb” is giving him WAY too much credit. He’s like most all the villains on reality TV: little purse dogs that yap and snarl and deliver cutting bon mots during talking head interviews, but don’t actually DO anything. (Shoving irons, pushing cameras away, and having passive-aggressive chin hair doesn’t cut it. It’s easy to establish dominance over inanimate objects. Let’s be honest: the average designer on Project Runway is just not physically threatening.)
**Watch, now I’ll get my ass kicked by a lisping, fey costume designer with a fetish for draping. And karate.
Aunt Dorsey on Survivor Blood, Boners…: Sweet jeebus, I don’t think I could take another season of R.C.’s delightfully girlish laugh. That is a fucking assault on the eardrums. Colonflow’s overacting is bad enough, but the two of them would have been overdoing it.
Aunt Dorsey on RHONJ Cannoli: I just can’t be mad at a gal who gave us this truthful little gem for posterity: “….and saved a wench like meeeeeeeee….”
TheMiki on Survivor, Blood, Boners…: Our best hope for an upset is that Mr Pepperpot’s lack of math skills lead to him thinking 2 votes is more than 5 votes and accidentally eliminating himself.
Gypsy on Big Girls Club: I don’t see an ” Best of BCG on Ice” Tour 2013 coming any time soon so what is this crap aboutAnyone?
I mean what is this show about? Let’s get a bunch of skanks put them in a house liquor them up, let them be as mean as can be and then kick THEM out after they act like the caged animals they were brought in to act like?
Merry on T&T Poo Point: I do know the current incarnation of My Little Pony (laugh and you’ll get a kumquat to the head) and it’s an upbeat, not overly-sugary show with some good life messages.
notwithoutmytv on 2nite’s tp 10: OH EM GEE, YOU DID NOT JUST MAKE A CORY MONKEITH DEETH JK!! HE WAS GR8 AND YOU ARE SICK FOR NOT SHOWING DECENSY AND RESPCT. WE MISS U CORY!!!! THE SHOW ISNT THE SAME W/O U!!!! REST IN GODS ARMS SWEET BOY, AND I HOPE THE KAROKE MACHINE IN HEAVEN HAS ALL YOU FAVES!!! xxxxoooooo, CORY!!!!!!!
Aunt Dorsey on Comment showcase Winners: See there, I thought it was entirely intentional and that everyone drank heavily through the product placement hair and makeup moments the way I do, and therefore most appropriate. Mint julep in honor of Southern womanhood anyone?
Aunt Dorsey on Boardwalk Empire: I’m sorely disappointed in the actor they cast for J. Edgar Hoover. He’s too damn good looking. They really needed to find a guy who looks more like a canned button mushroom.
Itchy on Survivor Mini: Ah yes, I remember that magazine Nationsl Geo). That was before one of my neighbors put out a WHOLE STACK of Playboys on garbage day.
Sheesh on T&T Poop: As the old saying goes, “Screw me once shame on me, screw me twice DON’T PUT YOUR KIDS IN PAGEANTS ANYMORE YOU SILLY TWAT!”
Or something like that.
Classy Drunk on RHOM: I like Lisa when she does rich people stuff. I mean that’s the reason we started watching these shows right?!?!?! It was supposed to be about rich ladies and their rich problems. Now with the market crashing we have random ladies with regular people problems.
(Sorry. I meant Leah. But Lisa too. I like watching rich people do stuff.)
Gypsy on Dance Moms: Oh for all the garnets and smokey topaz in the world this is a real goat rodeo, again eh?
Aunt Dorsey on RHONJ: For me this show has totally not only jumped, but fucked, the shark and I can’t watch it anymore. No fucks left to give.
Itchy on Agents of the S.H.I.E.L.D Mini: All the Scots I know bristle when you call them British. Well, they’re Scottish, so they’ll bristle at pretty much anything.
sheesh (in response to bat shit crazy pageant mom) Toddlers and Tiaras MiniCap:“Maybe you should play more Janet Jackson music.
Go get you some control *control*”
Moli on Survivor Mini: Last week when Colon gave his ‘heartfelt’ story about his past…I laughed through all his tears…then felt guilty and laughed some more.