Ahhh…the holidays. A time of family, food, presents and love in the form of Bravo’s resident celebrity brownnoser, Jersey’s own demure viola, Patti Stanger. Patti is a gift to us all – thank you, baby Jesus. She generously gave to us last week the not at all scripted “first time EVER” coupling of two millionaires, Courtney Kerr, and the tri-colored Swedish meatball, Stephan Dahlkvist. Jaws dropped, Patti gasped and gold-diggers wept. A Christmas miracle, if you will.
Today, we meet up with Patti in her office as a past “client” Omar Soliman, and his wife, Stacy, stop by for some camera time. Omar and his brother were featured on their episode with Omar memorably taking his date garbage hauling. The girl ends up dumping (geddit?) Omar after that date, Patti tells us. Quelle surprise! Patti is assured by Stacy that Omar did not request this of her so he either learned his lesson or his episode was completely scripted. A mystery for the ages. He has a baby now and Patti takes all the credit for creating life in Stacy’s womb. Another Christmas miracle! Anyway, his reason for stopping by was to ask Patti to set up his buddy, Joe. Joe’s local and Patti says she’ll see if he’s a right fit for the club. Requirements: Money, somewhat of a personality – good or bad – preferable bad, and a general fondness for famewhoring. I wonder if Patti will pick him? The suspense is killing me.
Mother Theresa and the Virgin Mary of Bravo
Back at the office, Justin sits down with Marisa and David. David is super stressed ghost writing Patti’s blog. He reads an entry from, ahem, one of his followers. Follower has a problem and needs advice on what to do since their boyfriend is too quick on the trigger, ifyouknowwhatimean. All three emit disgusted noises from their mouth holes. Patti enters, takes a seat and reads the entry out loud and says they have to tease and move.
Marisa’s potential Millionaire is an Italian guy named Frank Sirino, personal injury lawyer. David sasses that he’s an ambulance chaser so Marisa valley girls David and tells him at least he’s chasing, so whatEVER. They all laugh and pretend what a witty quip that was.
Marisa’s in there somewhere
Frank lives in Ft. Lauderdale, is a personal injury lawyer and estimates his net worth at 3 mill. He says his celebrity crushes are Eva Longoria and Eva Mendes. Patti says that since Frankie lives in southern Florida and can’t find a hot Latino to hang with he must be a massive douche. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be on this show, Patti. He claims that he’s only had one serious relationship in ten years and then describes himself as a modern-day Jerry Seinfeld since he always finds just one thing wrong with someone and must kick them to the curb.
Seriously, these man-hands gave me nightmares for weeks
She dubs this type of man “great expectations” since men like him think they deserve everything and put women down. Well, then the girls Patti humiliates during recruiting time will be used to it. Think positively!
Justin tells us about our next rich dude, Joe Bayin. You know, Omar’s friend who I totally did not see making it onto this episode? Justin says he grew up in Paris but was born in Cameroon. Patti didn’t know Cameroon is a country in Africa. Between this and Porsha Stewart over in Atlanta thinking the underground railroad had actual trains I have now accepted the fact that I am forever Bravo’s bitch. I just can’t turn away. Joe has an accent, is 37, and is worth 40 million – plus David says he’s hottttt.
Joe introduces himself as CEO of his company and he lives in Del Rey. As a younger guy, he ran track and was in the French Nationals, his net worth is 40 million, travels all the time and even met the Prez. He’s looking for a woman who is beautiful, has some depth, is fit like him and possesses a nice bootay. Patti says all Joe needs to do is settle down, buy a house and plant some roots. Patti brainstorms that a bikini mixer is in order since both these guys are super shallow fit. So much for noticing women for their depth. Unless they meant the depth of their cleavage, in which case, never mind.
Patti’s off to meet Joe at his house and she compliments his décor. We again are reminded that he’s got 40 million clams in the bank, is French raised and African born. He came to America on a track and field scholarship and then fell into technology and made a success. He says he has no time for a personal life since he’s really successful but says he’s now ready to give it a try and settle down.