RHOA Recap: Good Luck Chuck

Last week, the girls argued about being late which in turn made them even later for their road trip to Savannah. The group, plus NeNe’s friend Mynique, are finally on the road once NeNe calms Kenya and Kandi down by promising to have a married man and a bucket of hot dogs available for them respectively.

Phaedra is pumping her “organic chocolate milk” and Kenya says that it doesn’t make sense since her baby’s not there. It also doesn’t make sense that someone who’s never breastfed would speak with such authority on the subject but that’s just my silly opinion. They explain to her that it has to come out whether the baby is there or not.

Reg Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 porsha on bus
“Can you explain that again? I only have one brain cell.”

Then they start discussing sex. Kandi says that she can’t have sex as often as she wants to and NeNe says that although she has a career she does it at least once a week. Porsha jumps in and says that if they’re not doing it 3-4 times a week then he wasn’t really yours and you can’t be mad if he strays. Porsha says that all wives should be submissive to the right man. Mynique says that she’s done Chuck every other day for 13 years. Kandi realizes that she’s the current wife of an ex from 20 years ago. NeNe says she needs to work and  spreading her legs isn’t at the top of her list. It should be; I hope the carpet matches those bleached drapes.

It seems like Porsha and Mynique are/were in similar relationships. They’re both married to former athletes. Both stayed at home and both are big on respecting their husbands. However, Kenya brings up what Porsha said last year about Kordell “letting” her go on the trip to Vegas. Mynique clarifies that she doesn’t have to get permission to do anything or go anywhere; it’s just a matter of having a respectful conversation. Porsha starts crying. This chick is not cut out for reality TV or life. As she cries, it also looks like spackle is coming down her face. She says that they understand where Mynique is coming from but they don’t understand her and thought she was controlled and abused. She does see some of what they said about her relationship regarding abuse etc…and now sees that it’s true. They console her and told her that she did what she could to save her marriage and it just didn’t work.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 porsha messed up face“My marriage didn’t work…much like my waterproof foundation.”

They get to Wedding Cake mansion and are greeted by Tammy Jo who looks a lot like the failed wedding planner form NeNe’s spinoff.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 tammy jo
“You fired my daughter. Sleep with one eye open, bitch.”

Kenya asks if NeNe wants to guide them through the house but Kandi immediately heads upstairs to claim her room. She ends up claiming the master bedroom and everyone feels that she was wrong for taking the room that belonged to NeNe. I think Kandi just didn’t want to walk up a bunch of steps. Porsha wants to share a room because she’s scared of ghosts and Kenya thinks that’s ridiculous at 32. Porsha’s helpless little girl persona is tiresome. Kenya claims her room, wraps herself up in a blanket and then tries to scare NeNe and Mynique.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 Kenya scaring people
“Aaah! It’s a braless former beauty queen with abandonment issues!

Then she hides behind a door and tries to scare Phaedra. I’m glad Phaedra was able to laugh it off given their history. Porsha is left with the basement room and wants to share a room with Mynique because she’s scared of ghosts. All of the girls, except Kandi and Phaedra, agree that NeNe should have the best room since she’s the host. Kandi’s room is really nice and Phaedra tells her to shut the door and not let them see everything. I assume that’s the same approach she takes with Apollo when he tries to enter her room for purposes other than pleasuring her.

NeNe is trying really hard to have self-control and not take back her room. Kenya tries to get Nene hyped like she did when they were waiting for the rest of the girls earlier that day. She insists that NeNe at least mention it. They have a group meeting that night and when NeNe mentions the lateness issue and not getting the master, Kandi interviews that unless their name is Momma Joyce, they can’t tell her what to do. Moron.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 Kandi attitude
“If you think I’m going to be more than one floor away from the kitchen, you’re crazy.”

NeNe says that they have to be on time and when Phaedra walks in from pumping, Mynique says that she needs to hear this the most. Phaedra says that she has two jobs and a baby so she doesn’t appreciate those kinds of comments. Mynique says that she was just playing and Phaedra says she doesn’t play like that while she makes that hood lip. You know the lip that looks like you’re having a slight stroke but really it means that you’re about to end up on a World Star Hip Hop fight video?

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 Phaedra and Mynique
Phaedra: When this lip hits Bobby Brown proportions, you better back up.

Kandi and Phaedra leave the group and discuss how late the others were to Kandi’s Cardio Cabaret class last week. It seems like it’s only a big deal when she or Phaedra are late. Umm, does Kandi have any idea how long it took Cynthia to find that sequins top? She had to go to 1987! The rest of the girls talk about the issue at hand and drink. They ask if Mynique got read and Mynique says that she doesn’t “feel read” by Phaedra. Meanwhile, Kandi and Phaedra discuss *knowing* Chuck. Phaedra knows him “very well” as he lived down the street in the same neighborhood as kids. Back with the other girls, Kenya mocks Kandi for rushing upstairs to the room and NeNe says that Kandi hasn’t run a day in her life. Lastly, Kandi and Phaedra meet a hearse driver named quite literally named Peg Leg Ron. Yeah.

The next morning, Cynthia tells Mynique that she got read and Mynique denies it.  Cynthia insists that she was and tells her to put on a good outfit because if she’s in a tracksuit, she’ll feel worse whilst getting read. NeNe tells us that Mynique is biracial and is a White girl in Black/White body. She doesn’t know words like shade/tea and Cynthia advises her to get some gay frineds.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 Mynique makeover
Mynique: This is all my hair.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 Cynthia helping
“Human Hair, ombre, 16 inches. That’ll sell for $350 easily. Sleep with one eye open, bitch.”

Cynthia fixes Mynique up and tells her that she’ll upgrade to a full wig before she knows it. Todd and Kandi are on FaceTime and she feels like they’re not on track because of all of their traveling and Momma Joyce’s meddling. He’s making an omelette and Kandi keeps demanding that he look at her so she can see the grease on his lips.  She tells him about the Kenya argument and he says to put it behind them so they can have fun.

It’s time to leave after Phaedra gives Mynique a shady high five but Phaedra has to switch gears when it’s the same “Mynique with a ‘y'” who brings Phaedra’s forgotten breast pump on the trip.  The women go on a tour of Savannah. It starts at the First African Church. It’s a really beautiful building with everything carved by hand and all of the women are in awe. The tour guide explains that the church was one of the safe houses on the Underground Railroad. The holes in the floor were used for air as they moved four feet below ground. No one knows how they got in and out of the church. Many of those in slavery are believed to have run away to find their family. Porsha, resident Civil Rights royalty, begins to explain how sad it is that we can’t go back and trace our lineage because of slavery. She also had rocks thrown at her during a march with her grandfather.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 porsha is an idiotPorsha: When they threw those rocks, my grandfather said to roll with the punches and thats where the term rock ‘n roll comes from.

After Porsha mildly redeemed herself with that, she says that there has to be an opening for the train. Phaedra and Kandi try to quietly correct her but Porsha keeps talking! Kenya says that it’s hurtful to see her be so dumb. They keep trying to explain that it was a euphemism for people working together. Porsha then says that one person “made it” as in built the railroad. Porsha still doesn’t seem to get it and the women are becoming increasingly exasperated.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 freedom tour dude
“Hey, someone had to ride in the short car.”

They pass more historical things and stop for a cocktail along the way. Phaedra has to pump and I love that a bodily function is her new plot line. Mynique brings up the fact that Momma Joyce knew Chuck really well at NeNe’s wedding. They have coflicting versions of the story; Mynique thinks it was only a two week fling and Kandi explains that he was cool with her mom and she knew his family and daughter. First of all, this was a strange topic to bring up but she must really want to be on this show. Secondly, Kandi was going to be respectful until Mynique had to get in a dig and said their relationship must not have been good since it didn’t last long. Kenya asks if it feels weird that Kandi has been intimate with her husband. Mynique doesn’t feel weird at all. Kandi say sthat she’s not the only one who dated him…Phaedra did too! Phaedra is still pumping and Mynique says that she only had a crush but they never dated. Mynique keeps implying that the relationship wasn’t that deep or significant. Kandi says that she was on the radio with hits; everyone wanted to date her so she wasn’t chasing him.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 mynique atlunch
Mynique: How silly of me! Like you’d ever chase anything…

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 Cynthia at lunch
“Im going to shave your head tonight!”

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.22.2013 mynique atlunch
Mynique: Now it’s getting weird.

Kandi says that Chuck obviously wanted to downplay the relationship but still lets her know that Joyce loved him, they’d talk all the time and he’d give Kandi money to pay down her credit card. Oh, and he bought Joyce a Louis Vuitton bag. So that’s what Todd needs to do? Big Bird just wants a purse! Incidentally, that’s the name of an upcoming, very special Sesame Street.

Now that Phaedra has returned from pumping, they ask her about…pumping. Kandi is uncomfortable but Phaedra says that she and Chuck dated as children, like 8th or 9th grade. So innocent…until they dated during “college” time and when he played for the Falcons. Yikes! Do I detect some Kandi/Phaedra overlap? She keeps saying “dated” but we all know what that means. Phaedra smooths it over and says that she would never bring it up, she respects their marriage and would never want to make her uncomfortable. All of the girls starts cackling and making jokes and big, slow Porsha starts yelling that Mynique needs to talk to her man because he’s keeping things from her. Well, if you ever want to set Mynique off just give her strict instructions. Mynique tells her that she’s not going to let her make her husband look crazy. Porsha tells her that she didn’t date Chuck, Porsha and Kandi did. Mynique lets Porsha know that she still has a husband and Porsha is the one that had communication issues with her husband. My take, NeNe and Porsha are a little toasty and Porsha got carried away with talking slick since it seemed like everything was fair game. NeNe tells Porsha to recall how she felt when everyone ganged up on her yesterday and Porsha ends up apologizing and promises to not be disrespectful of her husband. Mynique’s rage was a little misdirected but when one is 32, with a failed marriage and speaks like a brain damaged wind up doll, people tend to not respect what’s being said. The girls smooth it over with a couple of jokes and move on as gracefully as one can when the jokes are all about banging another chick’s husband.

Next week, NeNe makes Cynthia cry and it seems like the cliques may start to shift. So what’d you think? Is Mynique a good addition? Was she stupid for bringing up Chuck? Will Porsha ever live down her railroad comments? Will Momma Joyce try to get Kandi in bed with Chuck? Love you for reading and commenting and happy new year!

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