Hey, Trashtalkers!! Merry Christmas! I’m writhing this all cozied up in my mom’s house in Virginia, and would you believe it? I’d rather be doing this than exploring any part of Virginia whatsoever. Sorry, Y’all, but this state astonishes me in its lack of amusement more every time I come. Things that do not disappoint? Stassi’s batshit crazy mind and any time there is a secret shopper in any restaurant on earth. Secret shoppers are the best (unless they’re the one you fail at. Then they’re kind of the worst.).
We pick up where we left off with the saddest yard sale there ever was, run by three drunks dressed in rags from Free People. Seriously, it looks like Katie, Kristina and Kristen all walked out of the factor seconds portion of the that store – what the fuck is with Kristen’s weird green, lace bloomers? Frankly, what is with ANYONE’S weird lace bloomers? Fug. I’m looking at you manager at my restaurant who shall remain nameless. Okay, it’s Melissa. It’s not like anyone I know reads these – right Mom?
As for Katie, her walk off of last week wasn’t nearly as dramatic as we were led to believe. She just perches on some rando’s stoop to cry in the shade. In case you missed it, last week Katie went crazy and showed she clearly has some very serious demons to work through beyond seeming to be unable to get her hair fixed. It was troublesome, and if I were her friend, I’d sit her down and have a serious, SERIOUS discussion about her drinking habits over a couple of mimosas. Stassi interviews that Katie confirmed (via Jax, so not so much “confirmed” as “perpetuated a lie”) that Tom and Ariana slept together, BUT most importantly, she said that Kristen slept with Jax – while Jax and Stassi were broken up, and while Kristen and Stassi weren’t friends. So, basically, two people Stassi didn’t know may or may not have had sex. But, Stassi proceeds to tunnel vision her way through the rest of the episode, fully ignoring her friend’s probable drinking problem. Because Stassi.
Stassi confronts Kristen point blank and Kristen nearly vomits her assertion that never would she ever fuck the fucking disease bag that is Jax. But Kristen is so calm about it that… Stassi doesn’t believe her. There is no real logic there. The only thing that would make Stassi justify that absurd thought is that she just really wants the whole thing to be true so she can play the victim again. To wit, she goes inside, away from Kristen and toward Kristina who, instead of, you know, not making things worse is all, “I have no idea what happened and this my first time hearing any of this but Kristen TOTALLY would have done that.” Kristina wants to be a full-fledged castmember next year – can you tell? Look at the lovely little shit garden she’s planting!!
So, at the end of the segment, Katie’ still miserable, but Kristen’s on her side, while Kristina and Stassi are inside mentally cutting themselves. Also, would you like to know how the yard sale went? Here’s a quote that should sum it up for you: “We should’ve made signs…”
I don’t know what it says about the producers’ opinions of Sur that that’s the transition they choose to Lisa’s meeting with Guillermo, but off to the restaurant we go. Lisa reads like, one bad Yelp review and decides to have a secret shopper pop by to
embarrass evaluate her staff. I’m excited for whomever it is to fall flat on their faces, but I’m less excited for the stern talking-to and possible blow-job (if Jax or Peter) they’ll no doubt receive from Lisa if they engage in naughty behavior.
At Tom and Kristen’s Den of Voluntary Abstinence, Kristen plays the guitar. Because Kristen has ready my recaps and decided to prove me wrong when I mentioned that she physically could not be more of an asshole. She’s even got her “punk” earrings on (they’re black and dangly). As for the rest of that segment, Tom and Kristen are civil to each other, but don’t let that fool you into thinking they’re happy. They’re just talking about people more fucked up than they are, i.e. Jax and Stassi.
As per the Jax and Kristen rumors, Tom doesn’t believe it (apparently Katie a) gets drunk a lot and b) talks shit a lot whilst drunk), but while he could’ve stopped there and enjoyed the good boyfriend points he just earned, he has to go and make a joke about how now Kristen knows what it feels like to have rumors spread about her. Do you think Kristen found that funny? If you said, “Man, she wouldn’t have found that funny even BEFORE she had her sense of humor removed!” you’d have been right.