Pump Rules Recap: False Alarm. BORED. | TrashTalkTV

PumpRules Recap: False Alarm. BORED.

Hey, Trashtalkers!! Merry Christmas! I’m writhing this all cozied up in my mom’s house in Virginia, and would you believe it? I’d rather be doing this than exploring any part of Virginia whatsoever. Sorry, Y’all, but this state astonishes me in its lack of amusement more every time I come. Things that do not disappoint? Stassi’s batshit crazy mind and any time there is a secret shopper in any restaurant on earth. Secret shoppers are the best (unless they’re the one you fail at. Then they’re kind of the worst.).

We pick up where we left off with the saddest yard sale there ever was, run by three drunks dressed in rags from Free People. Seriously, it looks like Katie, Kristina and Kristen all walked out of the factor seconds portion of the that store – what the fuck is with Kristen’s weird green, lace bloomers?  Frankly, what is with ANYONE’S weird lace bloomers?  Fug.  I’m looking at you manager at my restaurant who shall remain nameless.   Okay, it’s Melissa.  It’s not like anyone I know reads these – right Mom?

momeyeroll

“What, Sweetie?”

As for Katie, her walk off of last week wasn’t nearly as dramatic as we were led to believe. She just perches on some rando’s stoop to cry in the shade. In case you missed it, last week Katie went crazy and showed she clearly has some very serious demons to work through beyond seeming to be unable to get her hair fixed. It was troublesome, and if I were her friend, I’d sit her down and have a serious, SERIOUS discussion about her drinking habits over a couple of mimosas. Stassi interviews that Katie confirmed (via Jax, so not so much “confirmed” as “perpetuated a lie”) that Tom and Ariana slept together, BUT most importantly, she said that Kristen slept with Jax – while Jax and Stassi were broken up, and while Kristen and Stassi weren’t friends. So, basically, two people Stassi didn’t know may or may not have had sex. But, Stassi proceeds to tunnel vision her way through the rest of the episode, fully ignoring her friend’s probable drinking problem. Because Stassi.

stassiselfobsessedStassi literally thinks the world stops existing when she isn’t looking at it. Like, that is her reality. I’d liken her to a holodeck if I thought she was good enough to be compared to “Star Trek.”

Stassi confronts Kristen point blank and Kristen nearly vomits her assertion that never would she ever fuck the fucking disease bag that is Jax. But Kristen is so calm about it that… Stassi doesn’t believe her. There is no real logic there. The only thing that would make Stassi justify that absurd thought is that she just really wants the whole thing to be true so she can play the victim again. To wit, she goes inside, away from Kristen and toward Kristina who, instead of, you know, not making things worse is all, “I have no idea what happened and this my first time hearing any of this but Kristen TOTALLY would have done that.” Kristina wants to be a full-fledged castmember next year – can you tell?  Look at the lovely little shit garden she’s planting!!

So, at the end of the segment, Katie’ still miserable, but Kristen’s on her side, while Kristina and Stassi are inside mentally cutting themselves. Also, would you like to know how the yard sale went? Here’s a quote that should sum it up for you: “We should’ve made signs…”

I don’t know what it says about the producers’ opinions of Sur that that’s the transition they choose to Lisa’s meeting with Guillermo, but off to the restaurant we go. Lisa reads like, one bad Yelp review and decides to have a secret shopper pop by to embarrass evaluate her staff. I’m excited for whomever it is to fall flat on their faces, but I’m less excited for the stern talking-to and possible blow-job (if Jax or Peter) they’ll no doubt receive from Lisa if they engage in naughty behavior.

At Tom and Kristen’s Den of Voluntary Abstinence, Kristen plays the guitar. Because Kristen has ready my recaps and decided to prove me wrong when I mentioned that she physically could not be more of an asshole. She’s even got her “punk” earrings on (they’re black and dangly). As for the rest of that segment, Tom and Kristen are civil to each other, but don’t let that fool you into thinking they’re happy. They’re just talking about people more fucked up than they are, i.e. Jax and Stassi.

As per the Jax and Kristen rumors, Tom doesn’t believe it (apparently Katie a) gets drunk a lot and b) talks shit a lot whilst drunk), but while he could’ve stopped there and enjoyed the good boyfriend points he just earned, he has to go and make a joke about how now Kristen knows what it feels like to have rumors spread about her. Do you think Kristen found that funny? If you said, “Man, she wouldn’t have found that funny even BEFORE she had her sense of humor removed!” you’d have been right.

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7 comments on “PumpRules Recap: False Alarm. BORED.

  1. Aunt Dorsey says:

    Well that mystery diner crap really worked, what with Jax blabbing that he NEVER bothers to remake a drink when someone sends one back. Those tips will be rolling in…

    I think there was a mini-marathon of VanderRump Pules on, so forgive me if I’ve confused episodes. Peter, Peter, Peter, what the hell was up with the simulated golden showers drinking fountain? I’d expect that kind of douchery from Jax….. Is that supposed to be sexy with the ladies on their knees swilling champagne at crotch level like the bottle was your pecker? Ewwwwwww….I think Peter was much more attractive when he was just mute background candy. The thrill is gone.

  2. caffeine72 says:

    Scheana gets extra points from me (pulling her up to just mild annoyance level) for finally calling out Katie’s ugly fucking hair color. How it hasn’t come up as an insult before now is a mystery.

  3. labowner says:

    I just keep thinking of Kristen giving Katie and Stassi shit for not standing up to Lisa and look at the crap she takes from Stassi. Please don’t let any of these people procreate. Merry Christmas

  4. Holyterror says:

    Alejandra, don’t you want to go have some sillibub, johnnycake, and mead at one of Ye Olde Tavernyes in Williamsburg? Then enjoy a traditional circle-dance and lecture on barrel-making?

  5. rachelkashmir says:

    @Alejandra- Interesting insight on the secret shopper. I’ve been bored enough to read the comments on yelp and they’re mostly positive. Of course if Lisa just hired folks are a professional and didn’t bring their shite to work, she wouldn’t have this problem in the first place.

    The only thing about Jax that amuses me is in a few short years, all his skankyness is going to crash down on him like a ton of bricks. He’s already lying about his age. Like in college, there’s always that 23 or 24 year old guy who hangs out at house parties (when he should be at the bars) and even the sophomores know he’s just too old to be there. Jax is rapidly becoming that guy.

  6. LynnB says:

    Jax is gross. Why does Stassi even care what he does? I really wish she would quit so she doesn’t have to see him anymore. What any woman finds attractive about him is beyond me. His eyes are beady and he looks like he needs a bath with all that orange tanning solution all over him. And only in LA can you drink in the daytime? Ever been to NYC Jax? You dumb shit. They all deserve each other and I think Tom should kick Jax’s ass for spreading the rumor about him and Arianna…..he is supposed to be the guys friend. What a bunch of douches…yet I can’t stop watching.
    @Alejandra- when at my mom’s in VA we sit out on the deck counting gunshots coming from her neighbor’s yards… I kid you not….have a Merry one and thanks for the recaps!

  7. Alejandra says:

    Um, are you stalking me, Holyterror? Not only did I go to Williamsburg this week, I also bought a sillibub…

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