PumpRules Recap: False Alarm. BORED.

Hey, Trashtalkers!! Merry Christmas! I’m writhing this all cozied up in my mom’s house in Virginia, and would you believe it? I’d rather be doing this than exploring any part of Virginia whatsoever. Sorry, Y’all, but this state astonishes me in its lack of amusement more every time I come. Things that do not disappoint? Stassi’s batshit crazy mind and any time there is a secret shopper in any restaurant on earth. Secret shoppers are the best (unless they’re the one you fail at. Then they’re kind of the worst.).

We pick up where we left off with the saddest yard sale there ever was, run by three drunks dressed in rags from Free People. Seriously, it looks like Katie, Kristina and Kristen all walked out of the factor seconds portion of the that store – what the fuck is with Kristen’s weird green, lace bloomers?  Frankly, what is with ANYONE’S weird lace bloomers?  Fug.  I’m looking at you manager at my restaurant who shall remain nameless.   Okay, it’s Melissa.  It’s not like anyone I know reads these – right Mom?


“What, Sweetie?”

As for Katie, her walk off of last week wasn’t nearly as dramatic as we were led to believe. She just perches on some rando’s stoop to cry in the shade. In case you missed it, last week Katie went crazy and showed she clearly has some very serious demons to work through beyond seeming to be unable to get her hair fixed. It was troublesome, and if I were her friend, I’d sit her down and have a serious, SERIOUS discussion about her drinking habits over a couple of mimosas. Stassi interviews that Katie confirmed (via Jax, so not so much “confirmed” as “perpetuated a lie”) that Tom and Ariana slept together, BUT most importantly, she said that Kristen slept with Jax – while Jax and Stassi were broken up, and while Kristen and Stassi weren’t friends. So, basically, two people Stassi didn’t know may or may not have had sex. But, Stassi proceeds to tunnel vision her way through the rest of the episode, fully ignoring her friend’s probable drinking problem. Because Stassi.

stassiselfobsessedStassi literally thinks the world stops existing when she isn’t looking at it. Like, that is her reality. I’d liken her to a holodeck if I thought she was good enough to be compared to “Star Trek.”

Stassi confronts Kristen point blank and Kristen nearly vomits her assertion that never would she ever fuck the fucking disease bag that is Jax. But Kristen is so calm about it that… Stassi doesn’t believe her. There is no real logic there. The only thing that would make Stassi justify that absurd thought is that she just really wants the whole thing to be true so she can play the victim again. To wit, she goes inside, away from Kristen and toward Kristina who, instead of, you know, not making things worse is all, “I have no idea what happened and this my first time hearing any of this but Kristen TOTALLY would have done that.” Kristina wants to be a full-fledged castmember next year – can you tell?  Look at the lovely little shit garden she’s planting!!

So, at the end of the segment, Katie’ still miserable, but Kristen’s on her side, while Kristina and Stassi are inside mentally cutting themselves. Also, would you like to know how the yard sale went? Here’s a quote that should sum it up for you: “We should’ve made signs…”

I don’t know what it says about the producers’ opinions of Sur that that’s the transition they choose to Lisa’s meeting with Guillermo, but off to the restaurant we go. Lisa reads like, one bad Yelp review and decides to have a secret shopper pop by to embarrass evaluate her staff. I’m excited for whomever it is to fall flat on their faces, but I’m less excited for the stern talking-to and possible blow-job (if Jax or Peter) they’ll no doubt receive from Lisa if they engage in naughty behavior.

At Tom and Kristen’s Den of Voluntary Abstinence, Kristen plays the guitar. Because Kristen has ready my recaps and decided to prove me wrong when I mentioned that she physically could not be more of an asshole. She’s even got her “punk” earrings on (they’re black and dangly). As for the rest of that segment, Tom and Kristen are civil to each other, but don’t let that fool you into thinking they’re happy. They’re just talking about people more fucked up than they are, i.e. Jax and Stassi.

As per the Jax and Kristen rumors, Tom doesn’t believe it (apparently Katie a) gets drunk a lot and b) talks shit a lot whilst drunk), but while he could’ve stopped there and enjoyed the good boyfriend points he just earned, he has to go and make a joke about how now Kristen knows what it feels like to have rumors spread about her. Do you think Kristen found that funny? If you said, “Man, she wouldn’t have found that funny even BEFORE she had her sense of humor removed!” you’d have been right.

Elsewhere, Stassi’s getting brunch. Good thing, too, because apparently, it’s “what [she] lives for.” That and one day writing for Cosmo.  Such a swell fucking girl, Stassi. She’s actually kind of a liar, though, because Stassi doesn’t’ live for brunch. Stassi lives for gossip, especially when it involves her. So, to that end, she spends the entirety of what could have been an incredibly enjoyable brunch waiting until Jax is just the right moment of drunk before asking him if he slept with Kristen. Guess what he says – nope, not attracted. Called it last week. Kristen is the one girl that Jax would not bone because Kristen kills fun and Jax, like Cyndi Lauper, just wants to have fun. But does Stassi believe him? No! Because that would mean she would have to stop playing the victim, and she’s got at least another afternoon of that ahead of her, so she’s not about to let it go to waste.

jaxtired“You make me tired.”

Other funny things that happened at brunch? Stassi gave a blow job to a handful of straws in a fishbowl of booze, and Jax made the insightful observation that what makes LA extra special is that you can get daydrunk. According to Jax, you can do this no place else ever. Jax has clearly never been any other place during the day. I’ve gotten wasted during the day ON A SUNDAY in a dry county. Why is this kid so dumb? He does note that the girls in the group will use any excuse to gossip because none of them are getting laid as regularly as he is, and he’s not totally off base. Thing is, Jax is pretty happy despite his inevitable descent into lifetime bartender-dom. Stassi, Kristen and Katie with their high, high opinions of themselves are the ones gossiping, crying, drinking, and in general being bitchy all the time.  Just sayin….

At Villa Rosa, Lisa meets with the secret diner. She’s some food blogger named Alina whose blog clearly isn’t doing well if she a) has to take paid secret shopper gigs and b) couldn’t actually swing a mention of it on the show. I’d Google it, but I didn’t like Alina, so I’m not going to give her web traffic… Shit, yes I am. Aaaaand, I still don’t like her. The words “everyday” and “normal” are redundant when put next to each other. I look down upon you. Moving on!

Lisa seems enamored of Alina, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why. She’s not charming and despite the fact that she drops that she’s WORKED WITH some unidentified Michelin chef at the Sunset Marquis (not exactly known for its food) isn’t terribly impressive. She also uses the word “waiter” and asks if she should quiz them on the menu. No, Alina. You should quiz them on whether or not Brandi IS a giant drunk slut and then take pictures. I hope Lisa doesn’t pay this woman in anything but free booze and food, but she pays… everyone else, so Alina’s probably making out like a bandit.

The night the secret shopper comes in, everything is perfect. And by perfect, Stassi is on the floor after just venting to Lisa about Jax and Kristen (because why WOULDN’T you tell your boss that?), and Lisa has done nothing but basically wind her up about the whole thing. I love and hate Lisa for that. Scheana and Tom Sandoval can’t tear themselves away from gossip long enough to notice the secret shopper, so by the time Scheana gets around to greeting the table, Alina and her freeloading friend are already really offended. Then their corn fritters come out late while they watch Scheana gab with Tom some more and they blame her for the fact that foodrunners don’t really start working until 8pm. The best part was the fact that they had to grab Katie to see where their precious fucking fritters were, and instead of Katie asking Scheana about it, she walks up to Tom and Scheana and apologizes for her behavior at Peter’s party. Apology is accepted, then she LEAVES without delivering the message of the missing fritters. Ha!

Oh, and when Scheana finds out about the possible Kristen/Jax BrotherSisterFuck, Scheana feels the same way we do about it:


Unfortunately, when Alina and Co. head over to the restaurant to eat, Stassi gives them excellent service. Pfffft. Why does she give them good service? Because she clearly has a busser and a runner to deliver water and food. I know this, because Stassi is pulled into the bathroom by Scheana to talk about how shitty Stassi is as a friend, and they’re in there for like, ten minutes. In that ten minutes, Alina’s food is dropped and she simpers as to how much better the service is in the restaurant. Well, yeah. There’s a difference between a lounge and a restaurant – on of them is slightly more, you know, regulated. People aren’t just LOUNGING all over the place, if you get my meaning.

As for Scheana and Stassi, Stassi cops to being shitty and promises to be a better friend. Don’t get too exited Steana Shippers, Stassi’s only saying this because Kristen is a possible shitty friend, and there’s a spot open in Stassi’s head for Scheana once more.

SCHEANEDDIEStop choosing people who don’t have room for you!!!!

shaystaywithshayStick with him, he has LOTS of room.

The next day, Lisa comes to the restaurant and gets all up in Scheana’s MASSIVE bun for gabbing at the bar about her personal life and ignoring a blogger who wasn’t important enough to have the name of her shitty, shitty blog mentioned on this shitty, shitty show. So, all in all, Alina and her friend got some free food and little to no exposure. But, Alejandra you ask – she was in for two whole segments! Yeah, but no one learned her last name and I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that right now you wouldn’t be able to tell her apart from her friend that sent back all those margaritas.
Scheana interviews that she can’t be perfect all the time… and then compares herlself to LeBron James. One step forward, 1,400,237 steps back. Yes, I know that she was joking, no, I do not care.

After our final commercial, we return to watch Stassi’s final steps into self-obsessed madness. First she barges into Katie’s apartment and explains to her poor, disturbed friend that it was Katie’s DUTY to share with Stassi the possibility of Kristen and Jax’s hookup. Katie’s all, “I don’t know, at that point it wasn’t really your business, and I feel like I shouldn’t have spread a shitty rumor…” and Stassi’s all, “I don’t care, I need to know – will it make you tell me more things if I give you a shot?” Then she bolts for Tom and Kristen’s to find out ONCE AND FOR ALL what went down. She will do this, mind you, in front of Kristen’s boyfriend which would make Kristen a cheater. But Stassi cares not for this. She cares only to silence the voices, and the voices will have no champagne today. The voices will only have truth.

Stassi bangs on Kristen’s door and then, when Kristen stupidly opens the door, barges in and demands to use Kristen’s phone to text Jax so Stassi can pretend to be Kristen and get the truth out of Jax. Oh. My. God. I would hate to be Stassi so much. How miserable and mistrustful do you have to be to even come UP with something like that? I trust people blindly because it’s way easier for me to concentrate on my career and life when I’m not, you know, appropriating my friends’ phones to spy on ex-boyfriends. People show their true colors eventually, no need to spoil your own fun by seeking it out. But seek it out, Stassi does and what does she find? Nothing. Jax does not take the bait and she is completely embarrassed (once Kristen and Tom tell her she should be) that she would’ve accused her “best friend” of such a thing.

Holy mother of fuck, if I were 30 and accused by a 24-year-old psycho of sleeping with a used condom like Jax, and THEN asked to hand over my phone, SOMEone’d notice a handful of blond hair missing as they tumbled down the stairs of my apartment building. God, I hate Kristen.

And that’s that, Folks! Have a merry, MERRY Christmas with all the real and wonderful people in your lives, and pity those on this show who are probably having some lame orphan’s Christmas right now, staring at each other and wondering if Kristen didn’t warn Jax in advance of Stassi’s phone plans. I know I would’ve…

Happy Holidays!
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