RHOBH Recap: Turning Lemons into Haterade

It’s Christmas Eve Eve, and all through the house,
Martinis are stirring and
My mom is wasted watching LIfetime movies and forcing my dad to play Canasta
While I hide in their bedroom to recap Housewives and wonder when I will get a real fucking life. SANTA PROVE YOURSELF.

Enough poetry, you guys! HI! Merry X! That’s like Malcom X but less combative, and as far as this town is concerned, WAY more white. I am in Austin, and yes I am really hiding in my parents’ room. On their bed, actually, where all that hot sex doesn’t happen. JEAL? I’ve recorded The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on their DVR just because I know it will piss my mom off. She’s been extra prickly this week, so I’ve also made sure to leave her Vanderpoop Drools for future horrorfication. She’s earned it.

It’s almost time to celebrate the day that the teenage virgin (cough bullshit cough) Mary popped out the hottest abs in history, so let’s get to this recap so I can get back to resenting my childhood and blaming my binge eating and large pores on the teenage non virgin (cough totally true cough) that popped out the pastiest butt cheeks in Texas.

There won’t be any real pics from the show in this recap, cuz I don’t have the equipment. I will make it up to you by keeping my finger on the pulse of Google Images.

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, some gay trainer dude kicked the shit out of Kim Twitchards’ dog after it tried to sniff his butt,…

Gift alert! If anyone would enjoy a book that could mix Christ, dog shit and fishing in one title, it’s Twitch.

… Brandi got wasted in Palm Springs and called Yoyce a big fat pig, which is somehow more offensive than Kim calling Brandi a slut pig …

Stop fighting. You’re both right.

…and Kyle cried a lot and wore clothes that are five sizes too small. I’d cry too.

Closest representation I could find.

We open in Malibu with a closeup of limes. Not even kidding. These editors are heartless. Amy the florist is visiting Yoli to help get a zillion dollars worth of flowers to impress the Canadian Tenors. The Canadian Tenors are like the regular Tenors, but they’re more passive and pay way more for books.

Yoli brags about being from a country with the most beautiful flowers in the world. I don’t know whether or not that’s true. I do know that Yoli’s flower is pretty enough that she’s been able to bag homely rich dudes her whole life instead of working, so good for her!

She doesn’t wanna sound obnoxious, but she can spend a thousand bucks on flowers! That’s not obnoxious. Just bad investing. “Peoples work a whole munt for dat!” OK now you sound obnoxious. And also kinda like The Terminator.

Some girls in BevHills are addicted to shoes, some are addicted to purses. Yoli is addicted to stealing married men with balls down to their knees and buying flowers with their money. Hey, who am I to judge a hobby? I like flossing with toe nails and helping old people into the crosswalk and then leaving them in the middle of the street. Gotta have a hobby.

Yoyce is having dinner with her husband. She tells us how obsessed she is with her husband, and it sounds like about as much as he’s obsessed with white foods. Not that I’m judging. I’d steal him in a second and live a long long life eating potato and mayo sandwiches. God I’m lonely this time of year.

Yoyce blahs about how mean and racist Brandi was on their trip. She suggested that Yoyce was black because she wouldn’t swim!! Puerto Ricans are Indian, African and Spanish, dammit! Poor triple put upon Yoyce. Call the NAACP,  LULAC and the San Manuel Indian Casino Union and get them all on this so Yoyce can chill comfortably eating hundred dollar sushi with her chubby hot husband and her Lou Diamond Phillips face. Christmas is ruined.

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