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RHOBH Recap: Turning Lemons into Haterade | TrashTalkTV

RHOBH Recap: Turning Lemons into Haterade

It’s Christmas Eve Eve, and all through the house,
Martinis are stirring and
My mom is wasted watching LIfetime movies and forcing my dad to play Canasta
While I hide in their bedroom to recap Housewives and wonder when I will get a real fucking life. SANTA PROVE YOURSELF.

Enough poetry, you guys! HI! Merry X! That’s like Malcom X but less combative, and as far as this town is concerned, WAY more white. I am in Austin, and yes I am really hiding in my parents’ room. On their bed, actually, where all that hot sex doesn’t happen. JEAL? I’ve recorded The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on their DVR just because I know it will piss my mom off. She’s been extra prickly this week, so I’ve also made sure to leave her Vanderpoop Drools for future horrorfication. She’s earned it.

It’s almost time to celebrate the day that the teenage virgin (cough bullshit cough) Mary popped out the hottest abs in history, so let’s get to this recap so I can get back to resenting my childhood and blaming my binge eating and large pores on the teenage non virgin (cough totally true cough) that popped out the pastiest butt cheeks in Texas.

There won’t be any real pics from the show in this recap, cuz I don’t have the equipment. I will make it up to you by keeping my finger on the pulse of Google Images.

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, some gay trainer dude kicked the shit out of Kim Twitchards’ dog after it tried to sniff his butt,…

Gift alert! If anyone would enjoy a book that could mix Christ, dog shit and fishing in one title, it’s Twitch.

… Brandi got wasted in Palm Springs and called Yoyce a big fat pig, which is somehow more offensive than Kim calling Brandi a slut pig …

Stop fighting. You’re both right.

…and Kyle cried a lot and wore clothes that are five sizes too small. I’d cry too.

Closest representation I could find.

We open in Malibu with a closeup of limes. Not even kidding. These editors are heartless. Amy the florist is visiting Yoli to help get a zillion dollars worth of flowers to impress the Canadian Tenors. The Canadian Tenors are like the regular Tenors, but they’re more passive and pay way more for books.

Yoli brags about being from a country with the most beautiful flowers in the world. I don’t know whether or not that’s true. I do know that Yoli’s flower is pretty enough that she’s been able to bag homely rich dudes her whole life instead of working, so good for her!

She doesn’t wanna sound obnoxious, but she can spend a thousand bucks on flowers! That’s not obnoxious. Just bad investing. “Peoples work a whole munt for dat!” OK now you sound obnoxious. And also kinda like The Terminator.

Some girls in BevHills are addicted to shoes, some are addicted to purses. Yoli is addicted to stealing married men with balls down to their knees and buying flowers with their money. Hey, who am I to judge a hobby? I like flossing with toe nails and helping old people into the crosswalk and then leaving them in the middle of the street. Gotta have a hobby.

Yoyce is having dinner with her husband. She tells us how obsessed she is with her husband, and it sounds like about as much as he’s obsessed with white foods. Not that I’m judging. I’d steal him in a second and live a long long life eating potato and mayo sandwiches. God I’m lonely this time of year.

Yoyce blahs about how mean and racist Brandi was on their trip. She suggested that Yoyce was black because she wouldn’t swim!! Puerto Ricans are Indian, African and Spanish, dammit! Poor triple put upon Yoyce. Call the NAACP,  LULAC and the San Manuel Indian Casino Union and get them all on this so Yoyce can chill comfortably eating hundred dollar sushi with her chubby hot husband and her Lou Diamond Phillips face. Christmas is ruined.

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24 comments on “RHOBH Recap: Turning Lemons into Haterade

  1. andyourlittledogtoo says:

    I barely watch this show anymore but I always read your recaps!! I look forward to them every week. Merry Christmas!!!

    • ChaCha ChaCha says:

      Same here…haven’t even watched it once this whole season. But thrive on Ronnie’s recaps–maybe because they’re a LOT better than the show itself!

  2. StaceySuperfly says:

    Ronnie, believe it or not the day will come when you will miss your drunken mothers ranting and raving with holiday spirit. I would give anything for my mom to be here to toss a Vodka tonic in my face Christmas Eve!

    • Holyterror says:

      I still have the hideous elves with which my mother used to terrify and embarrass me. Now they make me pitifully snot-cry.

  3. RonnieK RonnieK says:

    Merry x guys! And thanks for the kind words andyourlittledogtoo! Just for the record stace, I really love my nutty mom and making fun of her is one of my all time favorite hobbies. Sorry for your loss, and for reminding me how good I have it. Xoxoxoxo

  4. WellYaKnowItsEmmyB says:

    Did you and your mom get into a horrific argument like my mom and I did a couple of days ago? Damn Phil Robertson. DAMN HIM!!! I made her cry…I…made…her…cry!! I’m a horrible person.

  5. Aunt Dorsey says:

    The antics of Her Beigeness and the rotating cast of victims is so much more entertaining when you recap it. The suspense — will Brandi, chief slut pig of the clan of the “disgusting drunken wimmen”, ever make peace with Yoyce of the United Nations and chief receptacle of her baby’s ginormous schlong. Tune in next week…

    David Foster — could a swollen anal polyp be any more pretentious? That smug doofus is the antithesis of humble and charming. I’d like to stick a lemon down his self-promoting yap. Since David called them all clowns, let’s hope the “ladies” all appreciated his deigning to entertain them.

    • Clare s says:

      Did you catch David’s bitchiness when Brandi let herself in? I have a feeling he is even more of a condescending ass when the cameras aren’t around. I just saw an article about how Brandi is now blaming Joyce for her losing the Hard Rock Cafe job and saying that Joyce is friends with Leanne. brandi is a single mom and feels that Joyce is attacking her family because she thinks what Brandi said was racist. I am sick of the poor single mom story at this point. She’s not on food stamps for gods sake and it’s an insult to all of the single moms working their asses off. Joyce said she never even met Leanne? Ronnie I hope you have a great Christmas but I admit I am sad that there won’t be a pod cast this week. Yes I am selfish

      • I agree a 100% with you ALL the way ,Thank You for sharing your thoughts I hope you an all that are on here Have the Greatest Christmas with lots of Love ….

      • Aunt Dorsey says:

        I’m all verklempt too that there’s no podcast to entertain me while I bake an army of pies.

        Brandi is ALL over the twatterverse and youtube making herself look like even more of a twatwaffle, if that’s possible. As train wrecks go, it’s pretty entertaining. But, of course, only being called a bully in front of her boys is upsetting to her, so I”m guessing instead of the old standby of “pull my finger” she uses “pull my string”….

  6. Tracy Ann Swasey says:

    Ronnie! Merry Christmas!
    I totally think we should have a happy hour while you’re in Austin. It would make my Christmas. Probably not yours but I would be happy.
    Great recap as usual. Why can’t Kyle find clothes that fit in that hidieous store she owns. She drives me bonkers.
    Well I can’t wait for the podcast and the Crappies. Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!!!

  7. Holyterror says:

    Yoli’s hair makes her look like Klaus Kinski in “Aguirra: The Wrath of God.”

  8. Holyterror says:

    Two questions: 1) Aren’t there culinary infusers so you don’t have to use scary medical supplies on your strawberries? 2) Isn’t the point of bringing along “friends” to “help” finding your dog panning out so you cover more ground? Not just all walking around in the same 20-foot radius in a sullen, ineffective mob?

  9. sarcasatire says:

    I read somewhere that something may have happened to Brandi’s dog before she went on the trip and how she used it as a storyline by having her “go missing” while she was in Palm Springs. This rumor is exacerbated by the fact that she bought a new dog a week after Chica went missing. Sure didn’t spend much time looking for her, did she?

  10. TN Gal says:

    Merry Christmas, Ronnie! Thanks for putting this site together.
    Did YoLemon make the Tenors eat in the kitchen? Or did they even get dinner? And Kyle, your jealousy is showing. I love that while Kyle brings a bottle of wine to the hosts, Brandi brings a bottle to drink on the way. Girlfriend is turning into a sloppy mess.

  11. Classy drunk says:

    Ronnie! Where is the Charlie Brown recap? I live for that every Christmas and if you can find it the frosty the snowman too

  12. BuddyChrist says:

    As much as I think Brandi has been a train wreck lately, I am beginning to get her annoyance of Joyce. Based on her talking heads and other interviews she has been giving on the internet, she sounds like a nasty, vindictive, conceited witch who is REALLY trying hard to be relevant. Her pushing her hair back constantly (drawing attention to it) is enough to make me despise her. Don’t buy her goody two shoes act.
    Ronnie Merry Christmas and thank you for all the smiles your blogs have given me this year.

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      Yoyce’s hands are ALWAYS in her ‘washed-once-a-week’ hair, tossing it, flipping it, caressing it… We get it already Rapunzel. She sure didn’t wash them before she had her hands all up in those appetizers she was making either….gah.

      My favorite laugh was Yoyce saying that she was the *STAR* of Siberia. I sat through that whole series, the show had no ending and left viewers hanging, (fuck you very much NBC) and her “acting” was so wooden, you couldn’t even give her the ham sammich award for over emoting. She didn’t even have a major plot line….but she was the STAR.

      • TN Gal says:

        I think we need to send Dear Crabby to recap one of Joyce’s pageants. If that plastic bitch thinks Brandi is bad, wait ’til us Little Debbie eatin’, rascal ridin’, Old Door Knob drinkin’ Trashmii start in on her. Bitch wouldn’t stand a chance, know that!

  13. MK says:

    Play the piano Monkey! Thanks Ronnie for all your recaps. Merry Christmas!

  14. FuriousFlipper says:

    Ah, you are frigging the frigging best, Ronnie.

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