Minicap: Top Chef

Hello again my fellow Trash-ettas!  We are rapidly speeding towards Christmas, and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably frantically ordering stuff from Amazon, cursing people who didn’t have Amazon Wish Lists™, and spending an extra $827.43 so Amazon will wrap your damned gifts and ship them out overnight.  When you combine this kind of chaotic activity with stress and various other holiday pressures (did I finish writing and mailing out my Christmas cards?  do I have the strength to keep the cats from eating all my tree ornaments?  will my Spritz cookies give people diarrhea?) it can cause people to become either short-tempered and irritable…

01 Carlos Gaytan Evil Laugh small Top Chef 1111_00or they turn insane and full of pure evil

Well, this most recent episode of Top Chef New Orleans put everybody through a buttload of stress, and sure went a long way towards changing my feelings towards several of these chefs, some in very surprising ways.

But first, we had a QuickFire Challenge that was graced by the presence of GuestJudge QuestLove…

02 Questlove Padma Lakshmi And Fugstripes Top Chef 1111_01seen here posing with Scar and her locked-up vagina

That dress was just a giant zebra turd, and I’m surprised that nobody over on Styled To Rock has made anything similar.  In any case, since QuestLove is a drummer, the challenge was for the chefs to make something out of drumsticks…

03 Nestle Drumstick Top Chef 1111_00sadly not this kind

Personally, I think it would have been awesome for there to be a damned dessert challenge at least once this season, but no, they just ripped the legs off of several dead birds and threw them on a plate and piled them on a table.  I think it would have been far more clever of them to honor QuestLove by making the challenge be about cooking with roots

04 The Roots Top Chef 1111_00because, duh

Oh well, after 11 seasons I suppose it’s only inevitable that the Creativity Tank™ may be getting a little low over at the Magical Elves offices.

After that, the chefs are whisked away to Louisiana State University where their challenge is to become one of the toughest creatures ever to walk the face of the planet…

05 Lunch Lady Top Chef 1111_00the Bullet-Proof Lunch Lady™

If serving terrible food to ungrateful children isn’t the worst job in the universe, then I don’t know what is†… the hairnets alone are enough to make me feel suicidal.  So yes, the chefs are tasked with making cafeteria food for 500 college students, which seems to be more of a challenge about mass-production than it is about culinary skill…

06 Tom Colicchio Emeril LaGasse Barfs Top Chef 1111_02the sub-challenge is to make food that La Gassy can keep down

This is where there are some shifts in the chef’s personalities… Illegal Carlos turns into kind of a whiner, PhillyDick is on the defensive and looks sympathetic for a change, and Straight Outta Compton seems to lose her confidence.  DevilBear remains firmly mired in his newfound doucherocketry, and I’m afraid my love affair with him is pretty much over.  Check back in a few days for the full recap, and in the meantime, if you haven’t checked out the awesome job that SnoopK8 did filling in for me last week, you can see last week’s recap here.

love,  J-Mo  :)

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†I can tell you that recapping A Double Shot At Love With The Ikki Twins comes in easily as the Second Worst Job In The Universe™