January’s Best Comments

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Okay, so I’m not calling for new nominations until next year, but the following comments are certainly winners.

One of the January posts asked the Gasmii (the term readers of TVGasm called ourselves) what we wanted to include in the new TrashTalkTV. It was a time of transition, and we still haven’t settled on what we want to call our collective selves.

Enjoy.

JimbobJones kicks off the 2013 comments, On Top Chef: , Has anyone else noticed how much, with the curled mustache, StacheBear’s nose looks like a penis? Just look at the photo, completing the curves of the ‘stache. Total balls situation there. Which would make his mouth the a**hole, and explain why so much sh*t keeps coming out of it. I would say something funny, but now that the Commentgasms are over, I don’t need to be funny except once this month. Maybe twice, to stack the deck.

Sarcasatire on Comments: , Yay!!! I look forward to this every year. Now, just 11.9 months until the next one!!

Hawt Cawfee on What Do You Want…? :How about Amish Toddlers & Tiara’s?????

Considerthis on What Do You Want…?: A site wide Gassmii ban on the word Lohan. C’mon other than being a drunk talentless skank there’s nothing there and if that is criteria then I can share my life updates with you. NO MORE LINDSAY stuff!

Gypsy on What Do You Want…?: A site wide Gassmii ban on the word Lohan. C’mon other than being a drunk talentless skank there’s nothing there and if that is criteria then I can share my life updates with you. NO MORE LINDSAY stuff!

Kthxbai on While I was Out: @aliens.rock If they wanted to they could set it for life in a respectable home with a regular private couple that’d love it just for itself. And where nobody would ever tell it “yo I just watched your mom’s sex tape. Damn she had her a big ass.”

Kthxbai on While I was Out, Kim K…: They’re billionaires now. And so is Ryan Secrest. If Kris Hump takes it to court they’ll just buy whatever county it is. And put the whole thing into a 3 part special on E! If even the sponsors start to get disgusted they’ll sell the ads to pharmaceutical and weapon companies. That they probably own some of anyway.

NotWithoutMyTV on Sister Wives: A family’s mission statement is to ‘Not get divorced and end up as part-time parents.’ Anything else is also total PR bullshit.

TVKimmy on Top Chef: I think I sprained my finger flipping Blowhard off every time she appeared.

NotWithoutMyTV on Sister Wives: Doing the home cost-to-spousal value calculus is probably very taxing for a guy like BroDad, but you know that in between thoughts of “Does Meri have more chins than she did yesterday?” and “One of these days, Christine: BANG, ZOOM, to the moon!!!”, he’s doing it.

Lindaw205 on Top Chef: Next season instead of being eliminated maybe they’ll just have to sit in the corner wearing a dunce cap and have a time out. Holding a “buy Cloyota” sign.

Chaosbutterfly on Parents’ Television Council Goes After CNN, “I’m pretty sure everyone and everything who has met Anderson Cooper in real life, be it man, woman, child, dog, or sofa has been tempted to kiss his crotch.It’s perfectly natural.

Waffleboy on Parents’ Television Council Goes After CNN: @vallegirl, onus is an awesomely funny word, but really it was probably the best word to use in that situation. I mean let’s look at two other terms that would have been a worse choice
The ball is now in CNN’s court…
CNN needs to stop blowing hot and cold…
It’s time for CNN to nut up…

Lissagettinghammered on Parents’ Television Council Goes After CNN: The PTC: Helping dumbass parents avoid responsibility since 1995.

NotWithoutMyTV on NeNe Confirms: Greg: don’t do it! Bethenny Frankel is back on the market. She’s not exactly a walk in the park on a spring day, but at least her money will keep you safe from your severe allergy to gainful employment.

Chicken Lips on Parents’ Television Council Goes After CNN: I wonder if people working for the PTC get paid to watch TV and find things to be offended about. I could make crap up, too and I could use the money.

NotWithoutMyTV on Parents’ Television Council Goes After CNN: Does the Parents Television Council know that they are to activist groups what Lindsay Lohan is to actresses?

Lindaw205 on Parents’ Television Council Goes After CNN: Billy Ray Cyrus? (on PTC board) The idiot who clapped and grinned like a perv as his daughter worked the pole at that awards show? Yeh, no hypocrites there.

Hot cawfee on Buckwild: “holler” huh—we call that an apartment buidling where I’m from—lean out the door and yell and believe you will be heard. Heard, yelled back at and prolly cops called too. Good times……….

Pat Ledoux on Toddlers and Tiaras: Crabby, as always, you had me falling of my chair reading your fine recap….course, the 4 rum cokes may have helped the situation.

NotWithoutMyTV on Bachelor Mini: I’ve had herpes flare ups I’ve missed more than this show.

Classy Drunk on RHOBH: What about Ad’s skin would make me want to buy her skin care line? It looks like the rubber from the bottom of a construction boot.

featherhead on RHOBH: Brandi’s “Chick’s with Dick’s ” description of the MC Faye Resnick was awesome. I don’t care, I love that girl!!

Classy Drunk on Al Roker: I mean who HASN’T gone commando in the white house?!?!!? Amirite…

PopePhilly on Bachelor Mini: Then I saw the material ABC gave me with these nutbars and I perked right up (the wine helped a little.)

Miss Molly on Vanderpump Rules Min: Stassinfection is the new Faye Resnick.

Chicken Lips on Sister Wives: You are so right about them being batcrap crazy about their children not living the principle later – even though they always say that they want their kids to do what their own calling is, but when the kids say “Yeah, it isn’t for me” we get meltdown – Christine gets upset, Janelle looks a little tense, Meri is happy because her kid is all about the principle and Robyn (hate) cries because the camera hasn’t been on her in the last 23 seconds.

Kthxbai on RHOBH: Does anybody know if Ad’s skin care line will fix a rip in a vinyl car seat?

Kthxbai on Vanderpump Rules Mini: Her daughter’s friend my left hind foot. For 1 thing Pandora’s a grown ass woman. That’s old enough to walk down the aisle and get pronounced man and beard by the power vested in the internet.

Awfuleyebrow on Celebrity BB-UK: I mean they’re both still bottom of the barrel creepy plasticine famewhores, but not quite as bad as I remembered.

Sarcasatire on Arrested Development: I was so happy the show is coming back that I ran to see my dad and give him a hug. Unfortunately, our moment was cut short by a man yelling, ‘No touching!”

Lindaw250 on MTV Released Show with Vinny: Aren’t the jersey shore “kids” getting close to retirement age?

Kthxbai on Shahs of Sunset: But that’s something she needs to work out with her counselor. That went to school and studied that stuff.

Considerthis on The Show with Vinny: Not to mention he has the personality of a sea urchin. MTV creative dept really went all out naming this show.

Aunt Dorsey on Shahs of Sunset, “She doesn’t appear to have a problem showing up in public in a bathing suit which is refreshing as hell, but please find one that’s flattering. That white diaper is hideous.

Detinha on Project Runway: Aryan’s dress reminded me of Pepé Le Pew. Le sigh!

Considerthis on The Bachelor Mini: My advice to K.C. is book a flight to South Bend, Indiana as they are in need a girlfriends there and desparation rules the day.

Classy Drunk on “Shahs of Sunset”: Featherhead then when PC said that she chooses not to look at her phone during dinner and he responded I don’t like to talk about exs during dinner I was so happy at the shocked look she had.

Labowner on Shahs of Sunset: I am going to love when the FDA or whomever reads the label for her (diamond) water and says – prove it. What a nut job.

Crankyguy on Cheryl Crowe on Lance, ‘The Truth…: ” Lance was not a douchebag up until the point in time that Oprah made him cry. It’s Oprah’s fault that he is a douchebag.

Sheesh on RHOBH: When Rodel and I get into an argument we like to go at it housewives style.
Me, “You didn’t empty the dishwasher.”
Rodel, “This is about my life and my kids..Fuck you!”
Me, “I will KILL you if you bring up my kids again!” (this is my favorite line. You really need to lean in to deliver this line correctly)
Rodel, “Go do some more meth in the bathroom.”
Me, “Shut the fuck up.”
Rodel, “You stole my goddam HOUSE.”
Me, “ANGRY SPICE!”
and then we laugh and laugh…

Jane and Blanche on Shahs of Sunset: And WTF? When did granny become likeable?! Wasn’t it just a year ago she was the villainous old woman gumming her food in the corner?!

JimbobJones on Top Chef: I’ve got to commend you, J-Mo, for your ability to write a funny recap of this episode. If I’d tried to write it, it would have simply been me writing the word “FUCK” 3,000 times, with a generous sprinkling of “Tom”, “Padma”, and “Blowsie” thrown in.

Lindaw205 on Sheryl Crow on Lance the Truth…: I blame Oprah for everything. Especially global warming.

Vallegirl on “This Week in YouTube”: Aw, thanks. She is cute…but she will have you know that she’s not fat. She’s actually a sentient brick with fur.

Appalled Mom on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: I’ve read these comments and have to admit that I am absolutely disgusted by the language used and the depth of depravity that these \parents\ will sink to in order to \defend themselves or their poor children\!!! What type of decent human being will go onto the internet and post language that’s not even suitable for the lowest form of scum possible??? This just proves any and EVERY comment pe ople want to post about you, Sabrina. You really believe that your use of the commentary on internet posts shows you to be the kind of parent you defend yourself to be? Regardless what opinion some stranger has of you, a mother should NEVER sink to the levels you’ve chosen to respond in. You want people to view you as a mother that only puts her children first, then don’t post such vile and disgusting responses to the comments people ignorantly post about you or your behavior. There will never be anything more than negative comments posted about your beautiful children simply because you made the choice to go onto the internet and defend yourself in a very vile manner. If you don’t want to be referred to as ghetto trash, don’t respond that way when people comment.

Labowner on “Amish Mafia”: Can we get a cross over of gypsies vs the Amish? One nut-job tradition vs the other?

Kthxbai on “Teen Mom 2”: ‘Leah’s hair has lost its will to live’ got me laughing too hard to type straight. Gogs got cute new purple Gogs! I’ve started calling the other 1 K-Corn. Since she’s got that head. Plus her hair’s corn color.

Captain-save-uh-Ho on “Manti Te’o Admitted He Lied”: And to address the peeps who are mad he didn’t announce on national television TWO DAYS after finding out, at the Heisman trophy ceremony, that his gf didn’t exist… are you serious? Yes, by all means, Manti- pull a Kanye for us: “Excuse me… *interrupts Johnny football receiving the Heisman* I’m gonna let you finish but… I just have to get this off my chest! I just found out I’ve been duped hardcore, and am going to become known as a national fool or a liar, and I thought this national ceremony would be the perfect time to share with you what I just found out…”

Kaithxbai on “Kourtney and Kim Doublecap”: Kourtney’s just now started to notice tending to 2 babies is a lot of work. Most people that’ve got even a little bit of extra $ would just hire staff. Oh wait. They’ve already got like >9000 staff.
But according to her sisters her sorry ass douchefart of a sperm donor’s the only person in the world that can help her get the stroller out. Maybe it’s 1 of those fancy biometric 1s from Japan. That’s set to his retina molecule secretions or something.

Sarcasatire on “Caption This”: “Elephant shoes, ele-phant shoes, ele-phaaaaaaant shoooooOOOOOes.!

Oleeddie on “Amish Mafia Double”: chose butterfly you need to spread your wings and land on levis lap if you like him so much or get in on the up coming gang bang thats about to happen to Ester. ash mash your a whore. If you are really amish you will soon be shunned and living with that bozo merlin. Jt you dont like this show your just another vouyer who enjoys watching our beloved Jews ripe apart small cults like the amish with the lure of prime time stardom According to there book each and every one is going to HELL. Dont be mad i love it myself. Unfortunately the 15 min of fame is almost up! Watch that rotten fuck merlin pray after all the chips have been played haaaaa haaaaa haaaaaaa. I can hear the jews promisisng more money to the amish just one more episode we wont run any bad stuff guys. Well go ahead and tell it to the bishop when Hell comes a callin! Lancaster will never be the same.
Just imagine what would happen if the rotten gangsters from some of these intercitys would set up shop in Levi s or Merlins town What would happen yep bullet in the head gimmy the chicken melon and fine furnishing bitches. Haaaa haaaa fuck you merlin
sin-serly
Ther Devil

NotWithoutMyTV on “RHOA Booty Brawl” : And yes, I really am this white. My parents were total honkies. I am painfully and hopelessly caucasian. I am the poster child for Melatonin Deficiency.

Sarcasatire on “Dr. Phil Books Ronaiah.”: If this were a suspense novel, Manti Teo would’ve realized that Lenny never called when Ronaiah was in the room. “How does my long distance girlfriend always know to call when I’m alone? She must have ESPN or something.”

Crankyguy on “Toddlers and Tiaras Mini”: Tens signs that your kid has been breastfeeding too long:
10. Child can now open your blouse by himself.
9. The kid starts burping up silicone.
8. Child has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. Child keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. Child demands that you express for his cafe latte.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each session, you both have a smoke.
3. Child invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to hear ”Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on boobs.

Hater of Coach Nikki on “Toddlers & Tiaras Mini”: Guess I’m not understanding why people are trying to guide/ban people from what they talk about or what phrases they use. Please correct me if Im wrong, and Im sure you will, but is this not an open board of discussion? Since I am a newbie, are there any other things that I should not bring up or other phrases that are banned from use? I certainly wouldn’t want to offend.

S-Natch on “Toddlers and Tiaras Mini”: @Hater – just don’t bring up K-Mart or Hostess as we are all WalMart and Lil Debbie fans here. Boxed wine is okay to mention, too. Mini-caps are required by the day after a show is aired, but recaps are when the ‘capper can get them done, but in a timely manner. Some cappers go ahead and write the full recap the next day, but others have to work it into their schedules.

Crankyguy on “Toddlers & Tiaras Mini”: @S-Natch — Hostess is bankrupt and out of business. Just sayin’.

@Hater of Coach Nikki: — see what I did there? The object lesson is to pay self-appointed board police no attention.

Crankyguy on “Toddlers & Tiaras Mini”: “I haven’t figured out how much profanity will be allowed here.” At least this much: Fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Thespiraal on “Bad Girls Club”: I also don’t get why people get mad every season like “wow, this is the worst group of women yet, they’ve really scraped the bottom of the barrel this time.” That’s the POINT. The show is about emotionally damaged women getting blackout drunk and ripping each other’s weave out. The bottom of the barrel is their main selling point.

Cherie on “Bad Girls Club”: I’m guessing brothels,homeless shelters and inane asylums. Either that or Oprah’s School of Charm.

Robin on “Bad Girls Club”: @Cherie Is an inane asylum where they send folks who constantly ask silly questions?

Sagitariuskim on “Once Upon a Time”: At least Belle and Ariel wanted “more.” They don’t make clear what that more is, but they wanted it.

Jaime Sommers on “Top Chef”: Yaaay! Finally. God I hate that woman. I always picture her growing up as the annoying loud child who perpetually had some kind of runny nose/cough who would sit next to you on the school bus with her heat radiating fat thighs mushed against you in her smelly socks.

Faye on “Top Chef”: *hangs head in shame* :I guffawed out loud at the Helen Keller joke.

Sam on “Toddlers & Tiaras”: oh gah. just stopped at ANTM. oh fer fuck’s sake. please, please stop WITH THE CUNTING BREASTFEEDING SHIT. I don’t give a fuck! I just came here and honestly just fucking stopped at comment whatever of ANTM branch caves’ (Belizean cave) whatever about BREASTFEEDING PEOPLE NOT BABIES AND ZEBRAS MUST EAT AT MUDSLIDES AND WHAT THE FUCK ELSE. I will get over this with a few more sips from the wine box and comment on, Jesus be real, snark on T&R which is why I come here. Feel better now?

Sam (again) on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: oh hokey bejebus; it was just to make sure Crabby got what it is all about. Oh for fuck’s sake, I am going to cite Greenwich notables every fucking time a recapper here mentions, like, a time, so, like they FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT IS NOT RELATIVE. I think and pray to all that is plastic that all understand that all people on this site reverantly (cause you know, this site would attract just such unlike, oh, La Leche or NBC News or Ntl.Geographic) now know that breastfeeding is not only about nutrition. WE GET IT. THANK YOU LORD EVEN THOUGH MY SON WASWEANED DECADES AGO THAT I HAS BEEN EDUCATED.

Hot Cawfee on “Kris Jenner’s Talk Show”: hands over my eyes and rocking back and forth–”Please make it stop!!!!!”
stopping to sip cawfee–”pleasepleasepleaseBabyJesusIwillrecyclereturnmylibrarybooksontimenotsaytheFwordanymoreunlessrelatedtoallthingsKartrashianpleasepleasepleasemakethemgoawaybuttheyarereproducingtheapocolypseistrulynear””

JimbobJones on “Top Chef”: Hey, until I see them have an episode titled “7 different recipes for giving people salmonella poisoning”, I don’t think it has a chance to be as good as any show Blowsie could be on.

Crankyguy on “Toddlers & Tiaras”: @HoDN, I’m in the Eastern time zone, sitting in my recliner, eating fried chicken, and getting grease all over my wireless keyboard to be followed by Little Debbie crumbs. I abuse it with food droppings because it is much cheaper and easier to replace than a laptop.
Itchy on “The Bachelor Mini”: But there’s a serious lack of bikini time this season. Who do I write to to complain about this? Maybe I can start one of those petitions?
Chaos Butterfly on “Drag Race Mini”: “Jade Jolie is a porn star. Tristan Everhard, a baby faced power bottom”
-googles Tristan Everhard –
*record scratch*
I’m sorry, what?

TVKimmy on “The Taste”: That pic of jean wearing, hair whipping, fully ripped Ludo makes me want him for my amuse bouche before my Tree of Tony climbing. Damn.
Itchy on “The Bachelor”: Well, when 75% of your hotness (hotitude?) comes from a plastic surgery, then yeah, it’s time to rethink things.

Cattyfan on “…Brandi’s Vaginal Rejuvination”: How exactly does this work? Is it like a tummy tuck? Do they sand it down and refinish it it? I don’t think I’m cut out for this century…