RHOA Recap: Tardy for the Party

Last week, Porsha fainted but no cameras were around to capture it. If an idiot falls in her mother’s house and no one is around to hear it, does she get alimony? NeNe planned a girl’s trip and invited everyone. Momma Joyce and her two sisters proved that we should not allow senior citizens to wear shoes without laces and Kenya was irrelevant.

NeNe is in her closet packing for the trip to Savannah. She has way too much stuff. In fact, she has so much that Gregg asks what else she could be taking since her suitcase is full. He just wants to know so he can plan his outfits for the next week. He’s already wearing her shades and shoes so naturally the next thing he’ll be wearing is one of those tops she loves to wear with no bra. She gives Gregg rules for when she’s gone and he doesn’t like her using the word “rules”. If he wants to keep sleeping upstairs, he’ll just have to get over it.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Gregg is a queen
“Babe, our future’s so bright I gotta wear Depends.”

Kandi goes to Cynthia’s house because she needs to speak with someone who can relate to her situation. Kandi soon discovers that Cynthia’s family was a little rude but not batshit crazy so she’s going to get limited assistance here. Cynthia is shocked that they were arguing in the store and more shocked that her mom said Kandi probably wouldn’t ever wear the wedding dress. Cynthia says that she’s jumping off the balcony when Kandi reveals that they turned into the Old Lady Gang and were about to start fighting. Then, Cynthia is even more shocked when she hears about the Carmon accusations. Her family never took it to this level.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Cynthia listens to Kandi
“They just tried to sabotage my wedding and humiliate me in front of hundreds of guests and the viewing public. This is so different.”

Cynthia wants to know if Joyce’s issue is with any man or just Todd. Kandi says that her mom believes that Todd is after her money and she starts crying. Cynthia turns into a 1820s maid and starts running around saying “Oh lawdy, Jesus” and looking for tissues.  Kandi says that they may just do something small because she doesn’t want to end up on an episode of “The World’s Wildest Weddings” or “COPS”. Cynthia tells her that this won’t change the situation because the issues will still be there and she says to check her mom before she loses Todd.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Kandi still listening to Cynthia
“She hates my lip implants too.”

Phaedra is in the office with Ayden and they call Apollo on facetime. Ayden needs a spinoff. He’s the one kid that I could see myself listening to for an hour. He is too cute!! Momma Joyce arrives dressed like an Angry Banana and tries to talk to Ayden. Don’t they say something about kids and dogs; they can detect when someone isn’t legit/good? Ayden, Mr. Personality Plus, suddenly lowers his eyes and refuses to greet her. Phaedra bribes Ayden with a treat if he says hello and he hilariously says “I don’t want  a treat.” Besides “I see dead people”, that was the greatest quote ever delivered by a child. Did you see how Momma Joyce’s disposition changed? She got defensive and faulted him for being shy rather than acknowledging that maybe her Sam from Diff’rent Strokes hair cut, blinding shirt and murderous smile weren’t scaring him? He gets to leave to play with big trains so Momma Joyce can continue her campaign for Mother of the Year.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Phaedra and Ayden at the office
Ayden: You sure you want me to leave you alone with this lady?

Momma Joyce tells Phaedra that she wants “in the manner to which you’ve become accustomed to” eliminated from the prenup. I think she should eliminate her need to end her sentences with prepositions. She says that he didn’t know anything about it and wouldn’t sign it which isn’t totally true. He said that he wasn’t saying he’d sign anything at that moment. The right answer really would’ve been that he wants nothing from Kandi and he’ll sign anything. Then again, who wants to answer to someone who visibly despises you. Phaedra tells her that she’s sure Kandi has a will and she’ll always take care of her mom. Momma Joyce flips it and asks why Phaedra would even introduce them. Todd is short with a big head and so is Kandi. Phaedra doesn’t have a short big-headed man. The unspoken part of that sentence is…

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Momma Joyce plays innocent
“…Even though you’re short with a big head.”

Momma Joyce is essentially saying that she’d rather Kandi marry an ex-con than a guy who works in TV production. No offense to Apollo but what is wrong with this woman? Her daughter is in the entertainment industry and that’s about as insecure and unpredictable as you can get. Phaedra tries to respond but in her defense I’m sure that she is torn between respecting Joyce and defending her friend. Joyce digs in a little more and says she wouldn’t have introduced her friend to Todd; she would have introduced her to a lawyer. Could anyone see Kandi with a lawyer? She’d probably go to the office Christmas party and tear up the hors’ d’oeuvre before anyone else gets a chance to have any. Secondly, attorneys don’t necessarily make large sums of money. Phaedra asks if Momma Joyce will ever approve or go to the wedding and Momma Joyce says no. Phaedra says that she doesn’t believe Todd is going anywhere because Kandi believes she’s the one and Phaedra does too. Momma Joyce says that she could just choke Phaedra. She also takes a monstrous gulp of water. Phaedra says that Kandi wants her to approve so badly but Joyce says she can’t support this.

Kenya and Brandon are trying to be interesting. Kenya claims that she hasn’t heard of Savannah which is just stupid. I’m pretty sure it was mentioned at least once in Gone with the Wind. Kenya is used to the big city and Atlanta was already too slow for her so she’s hoping Savannah isn’t any slower. She pulls out some gross thong an says that she can take it since Apollo won’t be there and then she starts an impromptu song about twerking in Savannah. It’s not funny and she’s trying too hard for a “moment”. I also can’t stand the fact that she laughs when nothing is funny. My family and I can break into spontaneous song and dance but Brandon seems like he’s been sucked into going along with it.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Kenya in closet
Kenya: Tomorrow we’re shooting a Prancercise video.

Oh, I almost forgot that Kenya took out a gun and intimated that she’d shoot Phaedra AKA the donkey as her taser gun wouldn’t stand a chance. WTF?! This is not funny and it almost seems like she could get a restraining order slapped on her for something like that. Lastly, if Kenya Moore could get a gun registered to her, we’re doomed.

Porsha is shopping for shoes. I think it’s for when she goes to job interviews. She doesn’t plan to work but she’ll wait outside for men who’ll soon be employed. The first pair of shoes she tries on are $8000. Once they’re on, they look cute but I’ll just never get this. If I had tons of money or had to make public appearances, maybe I would but as a normal human being who works hard for my money, I’m all too aware that shoe styles come and go and it’s generally just not a smart investment. Ugh, I just mixed smart and investment into a conversation about Porsha. Anyway, they end up choosing a $3500 pair as they reminisce on the days of Kordell calling in his credit card number and getting her whatever she wanted. Hmmm, just two weeks ago she couldn’t even get grocery money out of him. Get your story straight girl.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 porsha shoe shopping
Porsha: Remember when he bought us matching, stupid smiles.

Kandi sits down with Momma Joyce. Kandi explains that Carmon hates the lies about Todd and her using Kandi’s old hair and clothes. Joyce tries the 7th grade bully tactic of claiming that she was just joking.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013
“Bitch can’t take a joke?”

Kandi asks if the dress fitting was the place for this and Joyce says that Carmon shouldn’t have “butt in”. Butt in by being invited? Then Momma Joyce says that Kandi is wrong for not taking her mother’s side and Kandi accuses her mom of playing the victim. Both of them sound like idiots at this point. Kandi’s defense of Carmon is that they’ve been friends for 25 year sand she’s always had her back and kept her secrets. This is like the longest, Blackest very special episode of Sweet Valley High ever. Joyce says that Kandi isn’t taking her side and she’s through with everything and Kandi. Kandi is shocked and Joyce says that she will only be her daughter. Kandi tells her mom that she was allowed to make her mistakes and had three marriages under her belt by Kandi’s age. Holy crap! It’s funny how people try to control your life when they had the chance to live their own. I understand not wanting Kandi to get hurt but even if the relationship flops, she’ll never have to wonder what could have been. The bottom line is she has to be there for her if and when it does fall apart but let her find out for herself.

It’s time for Savannah! NeNe and Mynique arrive at the clubhouse in NeNe’s neighborhood. They’re going to have a champagne toast and fruit before leaving and NeNe brags about having a clubhouse. What does that mean? In NJ, it generally refers to a generic house in a development for senior citizens in which they play Bingo and wait for death. How about you guys? Kenya gets there first and is looking forward to putting up her “ashy” feet and relaxing. Points for self-deprecating humor but it’s not enough to make me like her again. Kenya meets Mynique and is really friendly because she needs another ally. Kenya says that she was thrown together because NeNe lives so far from her and she wanted to be on time. Please note that Kenya was late but the first to arrive. Kenya asks where everyone else is and keeps pushing the fact that the rest aren’t there. NeNe tells her not to try to get her turned up and crunk because we all know that NeNe doesn’t take to kindly to people being late. I understand where Kenya is coming from because there is nothing worse than skimping on your hair, shaving, running errands etc… and then you end up waiting around anyway. 15 minutes I can understand, 30 minutes with a phone call perhaps but anything beyond that is just disrespectful.

Cynthia shows up next as expected. It’s 12PM so that makes her an hour late but it seems she gets a pass since she’s usually on time. Kenya is loudly whining about how late everyone is. Cynthia defends them as saying that it takes longer for some people to get ready but Kenya disagrees. They think that Porsha will be next and she is. She’s still new and an easy target so NeNe calls her out for being almost two hours late and says that it’s not proper. Porsha responds with “oh really” like a snooty 12 year old and says that she only thinks she’s late if she’s the last one. NeNe corrects her.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Porsha is so late
“How do you expect me to be on time when I can’t tell time?”

Porsha then tells her fainting story and says that she had to go to the hospital to get her head checked. NeNe makes a joke about her really needing her head checked. Can someone get her some self-awareness for Christmas? She totally set herself up for that one. She says in her interview that it wasn’t right for NeNe to make fun of her because she could have had something serious going on up there. No, she couldn’t. Nothing serious has ever happened in her head. Ever.

Kandi arrives next and admits that she’s late because she stopped at Chik-fil-A and got stuck in traffic. Kenya says in her confessional that Kandi could miss a meal or two or three or four. Ugh! Again with this one. She could have stopped at two and it might have been amusing but as usual she has to drive it into the ground. Phaedra shows up at 2PM and says everyone looks like they’ve had an enema. Wouldn’t an enema make them happier? NeNe has disappeared at this point so Kenya gives her a call.

Real Housewives of Atlanta 12.15.2013 Kenya is so early
“Hi NeNe, my best friend ever. It’s me, Kenya. Your best friend who was on time. Umm, I’m here with the late girls who aren’t really your friends. Where are you pal? Chum? Bestie? Bird to my bee? Feather to my cap? Ash to my feet?” 

NeNe acts as if she’s not going to go on the trip but decides to get on the bus after she calms down. Once they’re on, Kenya says that she doesn’t like to wait on other bitches. Phaedra doesn’t like being referred to in that manner unless it includes being gagged and cuffed by Apollo. Kenya is shouting on the bus about how rude they were and says that since she was second, she gets the second best room. Kandi shuts her down because she wants the room closest to the kitchen. Mynique pipes up and says that she was actually second and if possible, it gets dumber. Kandi and Kenya start arguing and Kenya accuses her and Phaedra of always being late. Kandi demands that Kenya speak to them respectfully and then they have a standoff. NeNe only wanted them to bond and she feels like this is all of her fault because she’s an angel. It’s true NeNe. It’s so true.

Next week, they’re in Savannah and Porsha brings shame to the Williams legacy. Again. What’d you think? Kenya is so useless this season. Porsha’s idiocy is maddening and Kandi & Phaedra’s lateness is insane! Alex McCord, formerly of NY, claimed that production would intentionally hold up the cars so that cast members would be late and it’d anger the others but the all pulled up in their own cars and wouldn’t they catch on to that? Thoughts? Love you for reading and listening!

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