Pump Rules Recap: Bad Hair+Shots=Mean Drunk

Dear Reality Television,

I never, ever need to see someone getting their ass/cooch waxed. Ever. No way, no how. Because of you, I now know that Stassi waxes her ass. Because of you, I have now SEEN Stassi get her ass waxed. Because of you, I can never UNSEE STASSI’S ASS WAX, EVER. You have irreparably damaged our relationship, and until I receive some form of promise (IN WRITING) that my eyes will never be subjected to such Spa Porn again, I might have to terminate our relationship. I mean, at the very least, please put this stuff on “Shahs” where I’m expecting it.


Soooo, yeah, we opened with a completely unnecessary wax session with Stassi and Katie, and, frankly I really don’t want to talk about it. It was intensely unpleasant. After the bit that scarred me for life, Stassi and Katie grab a cocktail made by one of the spa employees (holy mother of fuck, I hope she wore gloves), and Stassi gets a text from Jax. She still can’t believe he has the gall to text her after he broadcasted his torrid one-night stand with the ballerina, and she and Katie agree that he’s a shitheel who needs to be put in his place. So, yeah, no new developments there. What was the point of this segment? If it was to hurt me, you succeeded, Bravo. You succeeded.

Thankfully, after that we head to the restaurant and get to watch a montage of everyone “working.” Fascinating. Stassi’s clearly eaten a few children on the way to work, because clearly her bloodlust has been temporarily sated. That’s the only explanation I have for her agreeing to meet with Scheana to go over Scheana’s first “article” for “The Divine Addiction.” What I can’t understand is why Scheana would ask, but it’s clear she’s either a glutton for punishment or screentime. Probably both. Stassi interviews that she’s tired of her relationship with Lisa and Pandy suffering because of her shitty treatment of Scheana, so she’s decided to play nice for the time being. My favorite part of this segment was Scheana explaining why she’s qualified to write a makeup blog:

SCHEANA“I do my own makeup.”

So do I, Girl. Makeup artists tell me that it does not qualify me to call myself an expert. If Stassi doesn’t plant fake spelling errors and insert dick pics, I’ll lose what little respect I have for.
After the close, Lisa stops by to check-in and Peter asks her to come to his 30th birthday. She laughs, I laugh, America laughs, but Peter’s got his head so far up her ass he probably can’t. Fucking brownnoser. The sad thing is, she totally ends up going. More on that later.

Jax is wiping down his bar (not a euphemism – minds out of the gutter, Trashtalkers! You might catch something!), and when Stassi walks by, he asks why she’s so mad at him after he just went out on dates like she told him. The thing about Jax that keeps me on his team is that aside from being a liar, he’s really sincere a lot of the time. It’s kind of endearing how stone cold fuck dumb he is. It is NOT endearing to Stassi, of course, who takes yet another opportunity to tell him how much she hates him and what a bad person he is. Then she does it again in front of the rest of the staff, and Jax exits tail between his legs. He interviews that he’s done for good. And this time it’s for good!

JAXSure it is.

At Tom and Kristen’s Den of Lost Hope, they’re both getting ready for a date night that Tom’s planned. I say “date night,” but they both look like they’re headed to some kind of execution. I don’t even think Tom bothered to shave his forehead. Kristen says she’s still worried about the whole Ariana thing, but things like date nights show her that Tom is really trying, so she’ll give him a chance – until he makes one single mistake, that is….

Tom: I’m taking you to Korean BBQ.

Kristen: They have vegetarian stuff, right?

Tom: Yeah, I checked – trust me!

KOREAN BBQNope. See that little side of pickled cabbage up top? That’s vegetarian. But it tastes like shit unless you put it on a sizzling piece of cow.

Tom says that Kristen is a ticking time bomb when it comes to all the rumors flying around, so he’s trying to be the best boyfriend he can to stem the tide of her impending insanity. I’d say given last week’s drunken Pride rant, that tide is flowing and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. The two head out to Korean BBQ, utterly oblivious as it to how it will all come crashing down…

The two arrive at Park’s BBQ (OMG SO DELICIOUS) and proceed to sit down and act like they’ve stumbled into a restaurant in Oz. They gape at the grill, the Soju and are completely enamored of this new, exotic experience. How the FUCK have both of you lived in LA for seven years and not tried Korean BBQ?! Ugh, I bet their restaurants of choice are Chipotle and Trader Joe’s. No wonder Tom thought there’d be something else besides Kimchi stew for vegetarians. Surprise, surprise? There is not.

When the waiter comes by, Kristen asks if there are any vegetarian items on the menu, and after choking in surprise that a vegetarian would wander into a Korean BBQ joint, the waiter says that they have Kimchi stew, a spicy cabbage stew (and it is DELICIOUS). Tom, knowing his evening is about to implode manages a, “That sounds good…” and Kristen’s all, “Rly, Bitch? RLY?” because she is a shrew determined to be unhappy. She interviews that she doesn’t like “spicy” and she doesn’t like “stew.” Okay, moron, “spicy” alone encompasses 90% of what’s good to eat in Los Angeles – Mexican, Korean and wasabi. MOVE BACK TO INDIANA.

She also interviews that she’s been a vegetarian since she was eleven (poor, poor parenting) and I finally understand why she’s been so unhappy all the time. She hasn’t eaten in 20 years! That’d make me grouchy, too.

KRISTEN POINTYAt least we know how she got so pointy.  Carrots make you pointy and mean.  I’ll bet Kristen eats a lot of carrots.

The rest of the date is basically Kristen making gross out faces at meat on the grill and Tom trying to make small talk. Then Kristen brings up how much of a manslut he is for cheating on her and Tom immediately asks for everything to-go. Just BREAK UP ALREADY. She probably would have been happier if you’d handed her a gift-wrapped bag of spinach.

Elsewhere, on a date that goes MUCH better, Jax and some girl (who has a name, but we won’t see her again after tonight, so I’m not going to bother to spell it) head to Beso. Beso is an adorable romantic restaurant on Hollywood Blvd., and while I’m told the food is questionable, it’s a guaranteed panty-dropper in terms of ambience. To wit, most of the date is them discussing how they just want to fuck without any strings. Jax interviews that he wants get back out there, date some more, not go on a rampage, but you know, and, “you know, be a little slutty…” Direct quote.
After the commercial, he reveals that he’s slept with seven girls in two weeks. No judgment, but at least porn stars get paid. Career change, maybe?

Lisa stops by Jax’s bar to shake her finger at him for “revenge-dating” and throwing it in Stassi’s face, but fails to address the real issues of Jax “revenge-dating” at age 33 to wind up a 24-year-old Veruca Salt. Jax brushes off the idea that Stassi isn’t enjoying their little back-and-forth, but does admit he won’t be going to Peter’s 30th in an effort to avoid a confrontation with her. See, it’s smart in the way that he WILL avoid a confrontation, but it’s stupid in that the better option is simply to go there and avoid Stassi altogether. Like a grown-up… Lisa advises him to do as much, but instead of taking her advice, Jax decides to go to therapy again instead. Let’s hope that therapy’s next to an STD clinic so he can knock out two birds with one stone.

JAX GYMJax wandering around without getting tested is like mother’s not vaccinating their children – stupidity spreads disease, Folks!

Elsewhere, at Birds (yay, Birds! Go there – they have fried pickles!), Stassi and Scheana meet up, order spicy, skinny margaritas and generally horrible themselves all over the place. Scheana reads her “article” which uses the word “contouring” about seven times in one sentence, and Stassi… sheepishly says it’s good and that it reminds her of herself – totally Cosmopolitan-like. Except it didn’t involve how to put condoms on with your mouth.


Then Scheana confesses that she went to Lisa and explained that she and Stassi were working things out so Lisa doesn’t hate Stassi anymore! Yay! Doesn’t that make Stassi happy? Stassi makes the very valid point that she’s happy that Scheana’s trying to fix the problem with Lisa, but Scheana caused it in the first place. Soooo, yeah… I don’t know why these two girls are fighting to be Lisa’s favorites – I assume it has something to do with a race to the inevitable spin-off, but the whole thing seems manufactured to me. Bored!

Finally we get to the night that the episode has clearly been building to – Peter’s birthday! Everyone gets to Da Club (absolutely appropriate for 30), including Lisa, and everything gets off to an innocent enough start – Jax doesn’t show, Scheana remains separate from Katie, Kristen and Stassi and Peter seems like he’s about to have a blast. Then Lisa shows up! Which, in any other case would probably be awesome – she buys everyone drinks, dances a bit and generally has a good time. But then she basically advises Dani B-Team and Scheana to slut-it-up for Peter because it’s his birthday… and Scheana proceeds to give Peter a lapdance. I think it’s kind of weird, but it’s not surprising and clearly everyone is in on the fun – except Katie, that is. Katie sees this foul display of sluttery and LOSES HER DAMN MIND.  To say the least, the evening takes a bit of turn…

Now is the time we get to meet a side of Katie I’m a little happy to see:

KATIE SCARYNighttime Katie



Katie moves outside with her entourage and proceeds to rip Scheana a new one for behaving in such a manner in front of her significant other. Please. It’s going to take Scheana revealing a penis to get Shay to be anything but googly-eyed over her, and even then I’m not so sure. Scheana stupidly sits down outside with Katie, Kristen, Kristina and Stassi and tries to defend herself. Kristen asks why the hell she’s sitting with them (because it’s a cafeteria and those rules apply) if she’s not friends with any of them. Scheana’s all, “I’m friends with STASSI! We got margaritas!!” and Stassi’s all, “…..” Aw, poor Scheana…

Katie will not stop going on about how declas-SAY it was for Scheana to grind on Peter in front of Shay, but I think pounding ten shots with no bra and slurring your way around a bullshit accusation isn’t making HER boyfriend very happy. Safe to say the night’s not going to end well for Katie, but I am loving every minute of this. It just keeps getting better. Kristen calls Scheana “single white female” for Stassi, Peter comes out and tells them to stop yelling and start giving him MORE lapdances, Scheana gets fed up and storms off and Schay remains to defend her. Katie’s CROWNING moment of glory, though, is when Shay tries to defend Scheana and Katie cuts him off immediately with, “We’re not going to have the same conversation where you can’t conjugate any kind of verbage…”

BURN!Okay, semi-amazing burn because of the word “verbage” instead of “verb,” but Katie kind of remains my favorite. At least her crazy is unpredictable and thrilling.

Then Katie basically just keeps calling Shay a ball-less moron until HE leaves, while Tom Schwartz is inside comforting Scheana and apologizing for his drunk mess of a girlfriend. This was one helluva birthday party, I have to say. Thanks, Vanderpump. I wish I had been there.


Meanwhile… Jax goes to therapy. Anytime Jax goes to therapy, it’s one of the most entertaining parts of the show, because we get an inside look into how Jax’s mind works. This time, it’s sounds something like, “Sexsexsexsexsexsex.” He admits to lying to the therapist last season about cheating on Stassi, and then he reveals that he’s never been able to be faithful to a woman. Um… poor Jax? Basically he realizes that he’s probably kind of a sex addict and his therapist tells him that in order to fix that problem, he needs to stop dating and spend some time on himself. I predict that will go over like a ton of bricks. Also going over like a ton of bricks? Her offer to give him a couple of books to read to help him with this process. I’m reasonably certain Jax can’t read. By the end of it, the therapist is so disengaged you can practically see the thought bubbles coming out of her head.


The day after the party, Kristina Kelly is having a yard sale because she doesn’t realize where she lives, and Stassi and Kristen come over to help. Katie’s supposed to be there, but they all agree that Katie’s still probably sleepin’ it off. To break it down, AFTER the party, Katie continued her long journey into the night by throwing water into Kristen and Stassi’s faces, and screaming that Jax and Kristen had sex last January. GROSS. GROSS GROSS GROSS. Also, hilarious, because for some reason I think Kristen is the only woman that could actually turn off Jax. She’s like Stassi, but pointy and old. Mark my words, he’s going to hear this rumor and look nauseated. Then, at 9am, she texted Tom Sandoval that Jax told her that Tom slept with Ariana. Aaaaah!!! These people have no lives! They have a TV show dedicated to their lives, but they have no lives! So ridic. I have to say, though, as pathetic as Katie’s behavior was, I like her more than Kristen and Stassi, and it’s always a blast watching someone fuck with these two twats.

Of course, Stassi doesn’t give a fuck about Tom and Ariana, the most serious thing is the possibility that Jax fucked Kristen. Of course. Of course the thing that has the most to do with her, even if it’s the most outlandish thing is going to burrow itself into Stassi’s self-obsessed brain and fester until she explodes. Even when Katie finally shows up to apologize and bursts into tears when she hears the horrible things she did and doesn’t remember, Stassi doesn’t comfort her or try to find out what’s going on, she just grills her about the Jax and Kristen rumors until Katie leaves. WHY IS ANYONE STILL FRIENDS WITH STASSI EVER?

And that’s where we end it, Folks. You can bet your ass you won’t see Katie in therapy next week dealing with her drink-monster issues, but you will see Stassi take Kristen’s phone and text Jax under false pretenses. Because it’s Stassi’s champagne glass, and we all just live in it.
See you then, my loves, God willing.

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