Dear Reality Television,
I never, ever need to see someone getting their ass/cooch waxed. Ever. No way, no how. Because of you, I now know that Stassi waxes her ass. Because of you, I have now SEEN Stassi get her ass waxed. Because of you, I can never UNSEE STASSI’S ASS WAX, EVER. You have irreparably damaged our relationship, and until I receive some form of promise (IN WRITING) that my eyes will never be subjected to such Spa Porn again, I might have to terminate our relationship. I mean, at the very least, please put this stuff on “Shahs” where I’m expecting it.
Soooo, yeah, we opened with a completely unnecessary wax session with Stassi and Katie, and, frankly I really don’t want to talk about it. It was intensely unpleasant. After the bit that scarred me for life, Stassi and Katie grab a cocktail made by one of the spa employees (holy mother of fuck, I hope she wore gloves), and Stassi gets a text from Jax. She still can’t believe he has the gall to text her after he broadcasted his torrid one-night stand with the ballerina, and she and Katie agree that he’s a shitheel who needs to be put in his place. So, yeah, no new developments there. What was the point of this segment? If it was to hurt me, you succeeded, Bravo. You succeeded.
Thankfully, after that we head to the restaurant and get to watch a montage of everyone “working.” Fascinating. Stassi’s clearly eaten a few children on the way to work, because clearly her bloodlust has been temporarily sated. That’s the only explanation I have for her agreeing to meet with Scheana to go over Scheana’s first “article” for “The Divine Addiction.” What I can’t understand is why Scheana would ask, but it’s clear she’s either a glutton for punishment or screentime. Probably both. Stassi interviews that she’s tired of her relationship with Lisa and Pandy suffering because of
her shitty treatment of Scheana, so she’s decided to play nice for the time being. My favorite part of this segment was Scheana explaining why she’s qualified to write a makeup blog:
So do I, Girl. Makeup artists tell me that it does not qualify me to call myself an expert. If Stassi doesn’t plant fake spelling errors and insert dick pics, I’ll lose what little respect I have for.
After the close, Lisa stops by to check-in and Peter asks her to come to his 30th birthday. She laughs, I laugh, America laughs, but Peter’s got his head so far up her ass he probably can’t. Fucking brownnoser. The sad thing is, she totally ends up going. More on that later.
Jax is wiping down his bar (not a euphemism – minds out of the gutter, Trashtalkers! You might catch something!), and when Stassi walks by, he asks why she’s so mad at him after he just went out on dates like she told him. The thing about Jax that keeps me on his team is that aside from being a liar, he’s really sincere a lot of the time. It’s kind of endearing how stone cold fuck dumb he is. It is NOT endearing to Stassi, of course, who takes yet another opportunity to tell him how much she hates him and what a bad person he is. Then she does it again in front of the rest of the staff, and Jax exits tail between his legs. He interviews that he’s done for good. And this time it’s for good!
At Tom and Kristen’s Den of Lost Hope, they’re both getting ready for a date night that Tom’s planned. I say “date night,” but they both look like they’re headed to some kind of execution. I don’t even think Tom bothered to shave his forehead. Kristen says she’s still worried about the whole Ariana thing, but things like date nights show her that Tom is really trying, so she’ll give him a chance – until he makes one single mistake, that is….
Tom: I’m taking you to Korean BBQ.