Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies realized they were boring the shit out of us and tried to fight about nothing. On the positive side, Brandi called Kyle a crazy asshole. I wish that were true. Mauri probably does, too.
You can say a lot about transgenered hookers, but they’re not BORING.
The girls are still in Palm Springs, and they make the haggard, dilapidated queens that live there look fresh and moisturized.
We open with Yoli and Kyle arguing about what the word “conversation” means. Kyle says that everyone’s MEAN to her. No one more than Father Time.
Brandi calls her a crazy asshole and Lisa snaps “Brandi, NO. NO,” like B just pooped on the rug. I imagine that poop would be a tiny rabbit sized pellet made purely of fingernails and Crystal Light powder, but that’s neither here nor there.
Brandi is all slurry and shitfaced, and it’s awesome. Kyle tries to get a disapproving look on her face, and you can see her veins struggling against botulism to make something on that mug move.
Why, Kyle’s never been anyting but nice to Brandi! Except for always. Brandi slurs that Kyle messed with Yoli, so she messed with Brandi. Yolanda pretends that that’s a totally sober, adult argument. Kim Twitchards, of course, is horrified that someone besides her is drunk. Brandi needs some serious help. I hope it comes from Twitch, because that shit would be gold.
“Hey, lisdtenheer, Brandee, do ya knowhoo Beddy Vord iz? Me neither, bud she made good debendable cars. She god sloppy ad the dinner table though cuz she drang booze doo much, so her family put her in a hospital. She drang zo much thad the hospidal name idselve afder her! When she died, it begame illegal do drive drunk. IN HER HONOR. Do ya hear whatdI’m dryin da zay?”
“Merry ChristMETH to you too, C**T.”
Kyle repeats that she just wants to get over this dumb fight. Yoli changes course and says that she doesn’t wanna fight either. She tells us that Kyle’s husband was just all over the tabloids cuz he was giving hand jobs to whores with five o clock shadows and she won’t kick the girl while she’s down. She’ll wait for her to get back up again. In the meantime, she’ll just talk about Mauricio blowing trannies on national TV over and over again. It’s called CLASS.
Yoli goes to the bathroom, and Brandi starts slurring nonsense. Lisa just wants to change the subject, and after Kyle excuses herself, Lisa tells her to can it. Kyle runs into Yoli and sobs into her arms. They hug tight while Kyle wahs about how mean Brandi is. Yoli says for the third time that Kyle has a lot on her plate. At this point I think she’s just calling Kyle fat.
Might I suggest putting the plate away and drinking some lemon water with cayenne and honey?
Kyle tells Yoli that she’s never had a problem with her, and she hasn’t had a lime since she’s heard of Yoli’s disease. That’s friendship. Twitch comes to make sure Yoli isn’t breaking Kyle’s kneecaps and, as she walks off, slurs “What was that about?” I’m glad that sober, spiritual Kim still knows how to be a bitch.
Lisa’s now checking on Kyle. She hugs her and tries to make her feel better. We know it’s fake, because a real friend would suggest that Kyle loosen her back dress string, or loan her a pashmina.
And then Kim comes out of the bathroom, dancing into the frame trying to pull her panties out of her cooch.
My choach hasn’t had this much attention since I accidentally sat on Gary Coleman’s legos on the set of Different Strokes.
Lisa shuts the door on Kim because she doesn’t want to watch her unfold her meat origami to recover her BVDs, and Kim storms out of the bathroom, saying she’s sick of Lisa telling her what to do. HAHAH. Kim Richards needs to be in every scene of every show ever.
Lisa won’t go after crazy ass Kim, but she will go after Kyle for letting her pet drunk off leash. Twitch is back at the table bitching about how “dismissive” Lisa is being. Carlton hates drama. Unless you’re a horny pretend lesbian. Kyle leaves the table again. I’m having one of those moments where I can’t help but wonder why the fuck I’m typing.
Thankfully, it’s commercial time. I foud a dress Kyle won’t be insecure in!
Yoli tells Twitch to go complain to Lisa’s face, and Twitch is emphatic about not being told what to do, dammit! But she wants to be friends with Yoli and her “aura”. Yoli says Kim needs to earn it, whatever that means. Yoli is wearing a doily blouse, which is made less disturbing by a SECOND doily blouse, which she wears in the diary room. Doilies are back, you guys! Alert Vogue. She looks like she’s wearing the queen of England.
Yolanda has already forgiven Twitch for whatever it is that she supposedly did, but she won’t forget!! Really? Cuz I already have. And I love that Yolanda acts like her friendship is the greatest gift she can bestow on someone. Congrats, you fuck talented rich guys, it doesn’t make you talented. I’ve fucked a janitor. It doesn’t mean I know how to work a floor buffer.
When Lisa comes back, Twitch apologizes. Lisa calmly asks when she was dismissive of Twitch. Shh! I’m saying sorry! But when was I dismissive? SHHHHH! I don’t wanna talk about it!