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RHOBH Recap: Panties in a Wad | TrashTalkTV

RHOBH Recap: Panties in a Wad

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies realized they were boring the shit out of us and tried to fight about nothing. On the positive side, Brandi called Kyle a crazy asshole. I wish that were true. Mauri probably does, too.

You can say a lot about transgenered hookers, but they’re not BORING.

The girls are still in Palm Springs, and they make the haggard, dilapidated queens that live there look fresh and moisturized.

We open with Yoli and Kyle arguing about what the word “conversation” means. Kyle says that everyone’s MEAN to her. No one more than Father Time.

Brandi calls her a crazy asshole and Lisa snaps “Brandi, NO. NO,” like B just pooped on the rug. I imagine that poop would be a tiny rabbit sized pellet made purely of fingernails and Crystal Light powder, but that’s neither here nor there.

Brandi is all slurry and shitfaced, and it’s awesome. Kyle tries to get a disapproving look on her face, and you can see her veins struggling against botulism to make something on that mug move.

Puuuush!

Why, Kyle’s never been anyting but nice to Brandi! Except for always. Brandi slurs that Kyle messed with Yoli, so she messed with Brandi. Yolanda pretends that that’s a totally sober, adult argument. Kim Twitchards, of course, is horrified that someone besides her is drunk. Brandi needs some serious help. I hope it comes from Twitch, because that shit would be gold.

“Hey, lisdtenheer, Brandee, do ya knowhoo Beddy Vord iz? Me neither, bud she made good debendable cars. She god sloppy ad the dinner table though cuz she drang booze doo much, so her family put her in a hospital. She drang zo much thad the hospidal name idselve afder her! When she died, it begame illegal do drive drunk. IN HER HONOR. Do ya hear whatdI’m dryin da zay?”

“Merry ChristMETH to you too, C**T.”

Kyle repeats that she just wants to get over this dumb fight. Yoli changes course and says that she doesn’t wanna fight either. She tells us that Kyle’s husband was just all over the tabloids cuz he was giving hand jobs to whores with five o clock shadows and she won’t kick the girl while she’s down. She’ll wait for her to get back up again. In the meantime, she’ll just talk about Mauricio blowing trannies on national TV over and over again. It’s called CLASS.

Yoli goes to the bathroom, and Brandi starts slurring nonsense. Lisa just wants to change the subject, and after Kyle excuses herself, Lisa tells her to can it. Kyle runs into Yoli and sobs into her arms. They hug tight while Kyle wahs about how mean Brandi is. Yoli says for the third time that Kyle has a lot on her plate. At this point I think she’s just calling Kyle fat.

Might I suggest putting the plate away and drinking some lemon water with cayenne and honey?

Kyle tells Yoli that she’s never had a problem with her, and she hasn’t had a lime since she’s heard of Yoli’s disease. That’s friendship. Twitch comes to make sure Yoli isn’t breaking Kyle’s kneecaps and, as she walks off, slurs “What was that about?”  I’m glad that sober, spiritual Kim still knows how to be a bitch.

Lisa’s now checking on Kyle. She hugs her and tries to make her feel better. We know it’s fake, because a real friend would suggest that Kyle loosen her back dress string, or loan her a pashmina.

And then Kim comes out of the bathroom, dancing into the frame trying to pull her panties out of her cooch.

My choach hasn’t had this much attention since I accidentally sat on Gary Coleman’s legos on the set of Different Strokes.

Lisa shuts the door on Kim because she doesn’t want to watch her unfold her meat origami to recover her BVDs, and Kim storms out of the bathroom, saying she’s sick of Lisa telling her what to do. HAHAH. Kim Richards needs to be in every scene of every show ever.

Lisa won’t go after crazy ass Kim, but she will go after Kyle for letting her pet drunk off leash. Twitch is back at the table bitching about how “dismissive” Lisa is being. Carlton hates drama. Unless you’re a horny pretend lesbian. Kyle leaves the table again. I’m having one of those moments where I can’t help but wonder why the fuck I’m typing.

Thankfully, it’s commercial time. I foud a dress Kyle won’t be insecure in!

Yoli tells Twitch to go complain to Lisa’s face, and Twitch is emphatic about not being told what to do, dammit! But she wants to be friends with Yoli and her “aura”. Yoli says Kim needs to earn it, whatever that means. Yoli is wearing a doily blouse, which is made less disturbing by a SECOND doily blouse, which she wears in the diary room. Doilies are back, you guys! Alert Vogue. She looks like she’s wearing the queen of England.

Yolanda has already forgiven Twitch for whatever it is that she supposedly did, but she won’t forget!! Really? Cuz I already have. And I love that Yolanda acts like her friendship is the greatest gift she can bestow on someone. Congrats, you fuck talented rich guys, it doesn’t make you talented. I’ve fucked a janitor. It doesn’t mean I know how to work a floor buffer.

When Lisa comes back, Twitch apologizes. Lisa calmly asks when she was dismissive of Twitch. Shh! I’m saying sorry! But when was I dismissive? SHHHHH! I don’t wanna talk about it!

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25 comments on “RHOBH Recap: Panties in a Wad

  1. StaceySuperfly says:

    Kim is clearly loaded and needs to start sharing her pills with Kyle stat. Funny how Kyle falls apart at the mere hint of Maurice banging trannys while screeching at the top of her lungs about how happy her marriage is. She is doing a bang up job teaching her daughters to cling tightly to a mans wallet even when “everybody knows” he is banging every Tom, Tom and Horseyface he see’s. Yoyce…boring. Yoli…boring. Carlton…hey, where are my smokes? Brandi…gaping festering cunt. Lisa is and always will be the fucking queen on these hags.

    • NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV says:

      Mauricio is banging every tranny he sees that he can AFFORD. ‘Cuz ain’t nobody servicing that mumbling greaseball for FREE.

  2. e-milt714 says:

    Geez Kim re-lax.. Lisa shut the door cuz you were adjusting your damn undies/going to the bathroom! I know everyone caught how Kim majorly snorted when she bent up from the counter after checking on Kyle… Sure it’s nothing but still hilarious and makes yee wonder! I love Brandi but even I was hating her this ep- get it TOGETHER. But when I put my dog down it was the worst day of my life so I can dig the sadness later in the ep :(

  3. Gypsy Gypsy says:

    You know what’s mean? Kyle never made it past a 1st grade lexicon. That’s MEAN!

  4. MK says:

    Oh Ronnie, meat origami! As Twitch would say, I don’t …I don’t know. I don’t…know what to think.

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      I’ll take meat origami — it’s a major improvement over Kandi of Real Fishwives of Hotlanta referring to her “beef curtains.”

      • LynnB says:

        LMAO EWWWWWW….too funny. Ronnie you are by far the funniest recapper alive…when the captions with Kim talking drunk appear I make sure not to be drinking anything so I won’t spit it onto the screen. I have to say this season I really hate Kyle and Brandi. Brandi has jumped the shark and thinks she is the star of the show…when really she is just a mess.

    • Awloshuns says:

      Yes, great recap! So much fun! Thanks Ronnie!

  5. Clare s says:

    Can someone please put a Prozac in Brandi’s wine? Christ I love my pets but your a grown woman with 2 kids try and hold it the f**k together so you can find the damn dog before it makes it’s escape to a new owner that actually walks the poor thing! Maybe if they reveal Lisa is Hitler in drag and forced Brandi to harass Jackie by holding Chica hostage I will change my mind but right now Lisa is the only one I can stand.

  6. rachelkashmir says:

    I could have gone my whole life not seeing Kyle try to get her sexy on and go skinny dipping. *blech* Thanks, Bravo. I know you hate us.
    I find it interesting for as much as Hoyce is claiming to be offended by Brandi’s “black” comment on her twitter, the day after the fight on the show, she seemed completely indifferent. She seemed more annoyed about Brandi calling her Jackie than about the “black” comment. She didn’t even mention it when she was talking to Kyle in the pool. She confronted Lisa about Lisa’s wayward hair but she didn’t confront Brandi about the “black” comment? I get the impression she wasn’t truly offended until the Interwebs told her to be. Just an observation.

    • Gypsy Gypsy says:

      Dammit! I said I wasn’t going to comment on it but, YEESH was the RHOBH cast trying to pull off a Gold Girls titty party a la RHOM? Gag.

  7. honeybunny says:

    What is it with women & dogs that go missing.
    I had to endure The Hills Heidi & her missing Bella and now Brandi & her missing Chica.

    hb

  8. AmyOops AmyOops says:

    Okay, I just started reading, but I have a serious request for Ronnie (I’m still trying to get used to not calling you Flipit, btw): Please. Please do not ever write a recap without your pattented Kim “Twitchydrunken*hiccup*slurbabble” OR your Yoli “accent”, preferably both.

    I can NOT get enough of that! You generally don’t miss an opportunity to do them…I just had to make sure you know we (at least I) looove.

  9. Aunt Dorsey says:

    I guess Her Beigeness is electing to carry Brandi’s shit-stained pillow this season. Poor Twitch is on her own. She always delivers though, that praying at the trash can scene had me crying.

    It would be utterly delicious if the Bitchard sisters decided to hold an intervention for Brandi this season. The one Vyle and Twitch held for Taylor was tasty.

  10. NatPatBen says:

    What is the connection with Adrienne and Ciroc?

    The recap of the trash can prayer was even more hilarious than the actual trash can prayer.

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      None, except she had that neon pink colored mess of a vodka she was promoting at the huge garden party her last season. Red velvet cake? cherry cough syrup? Maloof hoofs in tomato aspic? whatever the hell flavor it was.

  11. LynnB says:

    Brandi’s leg on the counter looks like a turkey whishbone. Slender is nice, but she is getting downright haggy skinny. Eat a meal that’s solid for pity’s sake.

    • Aunt Dorsey says:

      I’ve seen some bony models before but Brandi’s got that flabby coat hanger look nailed. Her flabby ass is scary, butt looks like it’s actually melting. Girl needs to stop drinking all her calories.

      • christinecalc says:

        I agree. I have to admit I would be happy to wake up tomorrow as thin as Brandi, Carlton or Jackie but I don’t think they are as hot as they think they are. I think Joanna Krupa has a better body than all of them.

  12. Mims says:

    Best recapper ever!!

  13. NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV says:

    My new hiphop song drops Dec 23rd.

    BOOM, BOOM! BOOM-DIDDY-BOOM!

    Panties in a wad! Panties in a wad!
    Slam da door on ME bitch,
    least I ain’t marryin’ Todd!

    Hear da noise you makin
    bout nuthin’ at all
    I SHIT bigger drama
    than you get up tall

    Panties in a wad! Panties in a wad!
    Can slam da door on ME bitch,
    but least I ain’t marryin’ Todd!

    Mama Joyce got it goin’ on
    Twitchy’s out da house too
    But Lisa’s da spin off queen
    Bitch ain’t got none for you.

    Panties!
    Panties!
    MUTHA FUCKIN’ PANTIES IN A WAD!

  14. Gypsy Gypsy says:

    My head just exploded from the awesomeness.

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