RHOBH Recap: Panties in a Wad

Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the ladies realized they were boring the shit out of us and tried to fight about nothing. On the positive side, Brandi called Kyle a crazy asshole. I wish that were true. Mauri probably does, too.

You can say a lot about transgenered hookers, but they’re not BORING.

The girls are still in Palm Springs, and they make the haggard, dilapidated queens that live there look fresh and moisturized.

We open with Yoli and Kyle arguing about what the word “conversation” means. Kyle says that everyone’s MEAN to her. No one more than Father Time.

Brandi calls her a crazy asshole and Lisa snaps “Brandi, NO. NO,” like B just pooped on the rug. I imagine that poop would be a tiny rabbit sized pellet made purely of fingernails and Crystal Light powder, but that’s neither here nor there.

Brandi is all slurry and shitfaced, and it’s awesome. Kyle tries to get a disapproving look on her face, and you can see her veins struggling against botulism to make something on that mug move.

Puuuush!

Why, Kyle’s never been anyting but nice to Brandi! Except for always. Brandi slurs that Kyle messed with Yoli, so she messed with Brandi. Yolanda pretends that that’s a totally sober, adult argument. Kim Twitchards, of course, is horrified that someone besides her is drunk. Brandi needs some serious help. I hope it comes from Twitch, because that shit would be gold.

“Hey, lisdtenheer, Brandee, do ya knowhoo Beddy Vord iz? Me neither, bud she made good debendable cars. She god sloppy ad the dinner table though cuz she drang booze doo much, so her family put her in a hospital. She drang zo much thad the hospidal name idselve afder her! When she died, it begame illegal do drive drunk. IN HER HONOR. Do ya hear whatdI’m dryin da zay?”

“Merry ChristMETH to you too, C**T.”

Kyle repeats that she just wants to get over this dumb fight. Yoli changes course and says that she doesn’t wanna fight either. She tells us that Kyle’s husband was just all over the tabloids cuz he was giving hand jobs to whores with five o clock shadows and she won’t kick the girl while she’s down. She’ll wait for her to get back up again. In the meantime, she’ll just talk about Mauricio blowing trannies on national TV over and over again. It’s called CLASS.

Yoli goes to the bathroom, and Brandi starts slurring nonsense. Lisa just wants to change the subject, and after Kyle excuses herself, Lisa tells her to can it. Kyle runs into Yoli and sobs into her arms. They hug tight while Kyle wahs about how mean Brandi is. Yoli says for the third time that Kyle has a lot on her plate. At this point I think she’s just calling Kyle fat.

Might I suggest putting the plate away and drinking some lemon water with cayenne and honey?

Kyle tells Yoli that she’s never had a problem with her, and she hasn’t had a lime since she’s heard of Yoli’s disease. That’s friendship. Twitch comes to make sure Yoli isn’t breaking Kyle’s kneecaps and, as she walks off, slurs “What was that about?”  I’m glad that sober, spiritual Kim still knows how to be a bitch.

Lisa’s now checking on Kyle. She hugs her and tries to make her feel better. We know it’s fake, because a real friend would suggest that Kyle loosen her back dress string, or loan her a pashmina.

And then Kim comes out of the bathroom, dancing into the frame trying to pull her panties out of her cooch.

My choach hasn’t had this much attention since I accidentally sat on Gary Coleman’s legos on the set of Different Strokes.

Lisa shuts the door on Kim because she doesn’t want to watch her unfold her meat origami to recover her BVDs, and Kim storms out of the bathroom, saying she’s sick of Lisa telling her what to do. HAHAH. Kim Richards needs to be in every scene of every show ever.

Lisa won’t go after crazy ass Kim, but she will go after Kyle for letting her pet drunk off leash. Twitch is back at the table bitching about how “dismissive” Lisa is being. Carlton hates drama. Unless you’re a horny pretend lesbian. Kyle leaves the table again. I’m having one of those moments where I can’t help but wonder why the fuck I’m typing.

Thankfully, it’s commercial time. I foud a dress Kyle won’t be insecure in!

Yoli tells Twitch to go complain to Lisa’s face, and Twitch is emphatic about not being told what to do, dammit! But she wants to be friends with Yoli and her “aura”. Yoli says Kim needs to earn it, whatever that means. Yoli is wearing a doily blouse, which is made less disturbing by a SECOND doily blouse, which she wears in the diary room. Doilies are back, you guys! Alert Vogue. She looks like she’s wearing the queen of England.

Yolanda has already forgiven Twitch for whatever it is that she supposedly did, but she won’t forget!! Really? Cuz I already have. And I love that Yolanda acts like her friendship is the greatest gift she can bestow on someone. Congrats, you fuck talented rich guys, it doesn’t make you talented. I’ve fucked a janitor. It doesn’t mean I know how to work a floor buffer.

When Lisa comes back, Twitch apologizes. Lisa calmly asks when she was dismissive of Twitch. Shh! I’m saying sorry! But when was I dismissive? SHHHHH! I don’t wanna talk about it!

So you’re being…DISMISSIVE?

Lisa brushes it off. She can barely understand what Twitch is talking about. “Let her have her moment.” Love it.

Brandi starts slurring about how fucking hot Carlotn is and how they’re gonna bone tonight. Yawn. Carlton and Brandi head up to their room while Kyle and Yoyce swim. Kyle pulls off her top. All the rafts deflate. You’re really racy, Kyle. Now let’s head into the kitchen, where Carl is staring at Brandi’s emergency exit.

Kyle’s talking about how hard it was being picked on, and hey so were you Yoyce! Yoyce just wants to blow it off. She would have told those bitches off, but she didn’t wanna be classless at her own party. Also, she doesn’t know a lot of words.

Brandi and Carl join them. Kyle tries to be nice, and Brandi immediately tells her to shut the fuck up before walking away. Twitch shows up and asks what happened to all the rafts.

Brandi and Carlton run to Yoli and Lisa’s room. There’s a lot of screaming while Brandi drinks wine from the bottle. Lisa steals it, laughing. Brandi tells her to stop strategizing, and Lisa silently stares at her, not realizing how fucked over she’s about to be. Yoli explains to us that Brandi means Lisa manipulates every situation with some kind of devious strategy. It’s awkward. Not half as awkward as Kyle’s Jeep ads, though.

Kyle, it’s another rest stop. Pull over and text me if you see any cops coming towards the men’s room.

The next morning, Yoli announces that she has to leave early because “MY HUSSBANT EES EEMPORTAAAANTTTTS!” Lisa joins her and Brandi for breakfast and tells Brandi that she only bosses her around because she cares about her. Brandi looks away and half smiles, and you can tell shit’s about to hit the fan. Unfortunately, Brandi has a short memory. Actually, it’s me who has a short memory, because when I google image searched a pic of the slime bag user who tried to one up Lisa and lost miserably in season 1, I found a shot of the first time Brandi was ever on RHOBH.

I’m sorry, WHO’S strategizing again?

This is all making more sense now.

The ladies are taking a tram to the top of the mountain for lunch! Yoyce is afraid of heights! Sorry, Kyle already used that storyline.  I’ve never rooted for metal to melt before tonight.

When the tram pulls up, Twitch squeals “It looks like Witch Mountain!” Carlton likes that movie. Hey! Kim was in that! Carlton looks at her sideways, pulls back her face, lifts her eyes, pumps her stomach, adds some bangs and after awhile…”I remembah!”

Nature! Yoli’s just glad to be out of bed! Sigh. Kim is so amazed at the squirrels. Nature’s all, here, and then sometimes you look at it and id’s lige, here. And righd now id’s…here! I have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about. Carlton joins her in the animal love because, you guys, she’s Wiccan. I think this is the closest she’s had nuts to her cooch in years.

At lunch, Kyle is freaking out about a squirrel coming up to the table. Twitch is trying to talk to Lisa about something, but no one gets it. Kim wants to move forward and not hold a flaming torch. Rosetta Stone needs to come out with a whole set of tapes for Bravo fans so we can understand what “woohoo torch out yay!” means.

Yoli invites the girls to her place for dinner to meet “Da Canadian Tenors.” That would be impressive if you hadn’t bragged about hanging out with Barbra Streisand. You’re basically bringing in the D team for these hags. Not that I blame you, but the Canadian Tenors? LOL. Just send all the girls flaming bags of shit and call it a day. Rude.

Is Kim digging through the trash? No. She’s…praying. To the trash. I would give her a dollar before walking past, but I don’t want her to look me in the eye or she’ll know who I am and expect a damn dollar every day and I shouldn’t have to pay a dollar every day to walk down my own street. Sorry. That’s my own homeless prejudice seeping in.

Dear Jesus. Thangz fur dyin fur are zins. Please led there be Chicklets in here. Or an Ozgar. Or the houze Gyle ztole vrom me.

Lisa decides to leave with Yoli, not even bothering to come up with an excuse. She doesn’t need one. She’s rich as hell and she hasn’t even had to have Mohammed inside her. That’s REAL power.

Andy runs this ad for free just to piss off Maloof.

Back at the ranch, Carlton pulls Brandi aside and says she was bugged that Brandi announced their kiss to the ladies. Brandi apologizes and offers to pet her kitty to make up for it. Carl lets it go. It’s ok to be a lesbian, but only if it’s secret. Spread the word.

Yoyce is putting a salad together, and Kyle brings up how CRAZY last night was. Is this a five hour episode?

The other girls come into help, and Yoyce is surprised at how nice sober Brandi is. Kim is very upset that someone is tossing a salad with tongs instead of their hands, but otherwise, things are peaceful. Kyle wants to know why. Brandi says that she feels better because she finally just called Kyle an asshole. HAHA.

Everyone’s getting along, and it’s really really really sad. Brandi takes a cell break and finds emergency texts. She just hopes her dogs are ok. I love that her kids come after her dogs. That’s priorities.

Brandi’s house was broken into. Her assistant says that the bathroom window was broken and one of the dogs was missing. But nothing else. So…wait. They stole her shit dripping old ass dog? Uh huh. The assistant got rid of that little bitch cuz she was sick of cleaning up poop.

So now everyone is gathered around B worried about the dog. This is what this show has come to. Joyce says “I’ve lost a dog before.” HA! Brandi snaps that it’s not a competition. Yoyce tries to follow her and hug her and B practically runs away while crying. This is fucking hilarious, and it’s totally not supposed to be. You know that dog ran all the way to Leann’s house.

Brandi runs around the house screeching at her assistant on the cell phone while everyone else stands around acting like Obama refused to pose with them at Nelson Mandela’s funeral.

I suppose this is my fault, too!

Twitch says that if it were Kingsley that went missing she wouldn’t know what to do. Well, you wouldn’t be keeping a lawyer on call for the faces that fucker will undoubtedly bite in the future. The girls all talk about how the dogs are like Brandi’s kids, and as I recall, the first time we saw Brandi’s kids they were peeing on trees in the backyard. Sorry, but they have nothing in common with Brandi’s dogs.

See you next time, when Brandi fat shames Yoyce’s husband. Just in time for Xmas!

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