Courtney Loves Dallas Recap – Parts 1 and 2: Could Someone Order A Wahmbulance, Please?

Hey, y’all!! It’s CynTV, back to recap a new Bravo train wreck called Courtney Does Dallas. And let me tell you, Bravo is getting desperate. It “stars” Courtney Kerr, who was on a previous Bravo train wreck called Most Eligible Dallas. I’m sure you all watched that. Not. She’s a thirty-year old  fashion blogger who spends most of her time whining about her romantic life. Y’all, I think I lost a few brain cells watching this idiot. And if SHE had any brain cells, she should be embarrassed as hell.  The most titillating thing about this show so far is the tongue in cheek reference to an iconic 70’s porn flick called “Debbie Does Dallas”.  Let me tell you – there are more things wrong with Courtney than the Obamacare website! So, snap on your examination gloves as we dissect this bad boy, shall we?


According to the kiss-ass bio on Bravo, she has a well-known website called “What Courtney Wore”. (Never heard of it.) She eats, sleeps and breathes fashion! (Yawn.)  And look for her much-anticipated collaboration with Bauble Bar “that fashionistas couldn’t wait to get their hands on”.   Oh, please. And I’ll believe the “thirty-something” reference if you mean 38 and not 30.  She’s also a big fan of the Snooki school of North Jersey high hair.  Perhaps you shouldn’t wear a hairstyle that emphasizes your six-head.



 Although it is mesmerizing…


Poor, poor Courtney does not have the best luck with men, as she gleefully tells us. One of her boyfriends broke up with her in the middle of a New Year’s countdown!  Now, would you be willing to admit that?  I’ll bet the guy gave her about a million breakup hints. She says she’s a douche bag magnet. I say she doesn’t have a fucking clue.  More proof she’s clueless: she quits a “cushy corporate job” to write a fashion blog because a few women complimented on her clothes.  What, you couldn’t do both? I’ll bet you can’t chew gum and pat your head, either…


Courtney and her BFF Tory (or Tori) are in Court’s kitchen birching when a shitload of boxes arrive.  They’re from designers who send her clothes to feature on her blog. Court tells us that her “thing” is to pair high-end items with low-end items. Like – from Walmart? I’m sure she’s driven past a Walmart.  And I bet those designers are THRILLED to see a $300 dollar blouse slumming with a $5 wife beater.


Someone needs a bigger closet.


So, Courts and Tor decide they need a girl’s night out. So they call their other two besties, 2 ladies named Katie and Thais. Yes, Thais is an actual name. I looked it up.  Weird names usually irritate me like shirt tags, but I’ll let this one go. Courts  is obviously annoyed by the fact that Katie and Thais are 5 years younger and are married with children.  She just can’t understand why they can’t dump their families at the last minute for a girl’s night out. It’s called maturity, Court.  The girls decide to meet for brunch the following day. Cut to an embarrassing, ridiculous montage of C & T primping in front of the mirror.



You know – like teenagers do…


So the ladies are now at some kind of cool, hip sushi bar. I don’t get it – a sushi restaurant with a DJ? Okay.  The place appears to be virtually empty.  Once again, Court’s hair emphasizes her huge forehead. They sip their drinks and make semi-racist nicknames for the DJ.  I’m fighting to keep my eyes open.



 You’d go out with her, right?


(The next morning) Brunch consists of Court’s passive-aggressive mocking of her two married friends, and whining about how she doesn’t want to give up her life. This girl has no fucking clue. I get the feeling that Katie and Thais would like to smack her in the mouth. Who wants to listen to someone bitch and moan 24/7?



Run while you can, Katie. Run while you can.


We find out exactly how delusional Court is when she tells us about her last romance. The man who did her wrong, is some mildly-attractive douche named Matt Nordgren from Most Eligible Dallas.  They were BFFs, she said, and she knew he “liked” (read “fucked”) women.  But you decided to ignore that, right?  Then she whines about how her ovaries will dry up, and she’ll end up in a nursing home and die alone.  Wait – I thought you didn’t want to give up your life? I think the gallons and gallons of hair spray she uses on her poof have killed quite a few brain cells.



Denial, meet Courtney.


Still with me?  Next day she meets with her second-tier friend Annie. She likes Annie because she loves fashion and is not “all up in her business”. I got an idea. Keep your personal life TO YOURSELF and no one will be “up in it”.  But we all know that’s impossible. Annie brings over some fake bling and Courtney squeals like a 10 year old.  We find out that if anyone buys clothing from Court’s website, she gets a commission.  Court then tells proceeds to put Annie “all up in her business” by telling her that her girlfriends “ripped her a new one” at yesterday’s brunch. I would have done more than that. Annie looks tres interested.



If I squeeze my eyes real tight, maybe she’ll be gone when I open them…


Annie and Court are going to some nameless event that evening, and Annie drops the bomb that Matt will be there. (Read: the producers paid him to show up.)  Quelle horreur!  Now – a normal female would do one of two things: either not go, or not engage the ex. Court will do neither.  Anyhoo, Court has to get dressed for her next blog photo shoot. Can’t wait to see these clothes.



What. The. Fuck?



Kmart Jaclyn Smith collection meets Army Navy Surplus.


It’s time to confront her ex! OMG!! After much deliberation, Court has decide that the best “fuck you” outfit is a short, black ruffled skirt paired with a kitty cat sweater I swear I bought for my niece when she was ten. And please check out her hair.  The top of her head looks ridiculous.



Fuck you, Matt!


So the first tier BFF’s meet at the party, along with second tier Annie.  Courtney’s all, like , nervous about her conversation with Matt. I got an idea – tell him to fuck off.  Mind you – she expects to have a serious conversation with an ex-boyfriend in the middle of a nameless party.  My God, she’s stupid. We end the first eppy with the appearance of the ex. I need a drink.


Courtney Part Two consists of whine, whine, whine; Matt is a douche, whine, whine, whine. Matt approaches the dragon’s den to say hello.  Don’t worry, Matt –  the dragons are too busy texting to care. Courtney gets up and hugs him. Idiot. They make small talk; and after he leaves, complains to her girlfriends that the convo was so “surface”.  This girl is seriously delusional. I almost feel bad for her. I’m certainly embarrassed for her.

Next day at the gym, and we are blessed with this Courtneyism:  “The way to deal with men is to get a really tight ass. In this manner you can move on to a new boy.”  More meaningless butt shots.  At this point I’d like to apologize if your brain has atrophied.  To make matters worse, she announces to the group that she has been selected as one of Dallas’ Ten Most Beautiful Women by D magazine, which she calls a chic city guide.  Apparently, Dallas has a shortage of beautiful women. This brings us to our second Courtneyism in less than 5 minutes: “If I have to whore myself out by being one of the 10 most beautiful women in Dallas, then life is hard.”




 Come and get her, boys..


We than find out that BFF Tory (or Tori) has made a blind date for Court. Court tells us that this is NOT something you do for your best friend. Huh?  Tory (or Tori) needs to find a better BFF.  Court bravely decides to suck it up and go on the date.  So the BFFs go back to Court’s apartment to get ready, which includes a shot of the two ladies using the shower. Do we really need this? Thank God for fast forward. I’ll briefly recap the date by saying he was a very nice guy, Courtney wouldn’t shut her mouth, and decided he wasn’t the type who would “throw her against the wall.”  She really is an embarrassment to women.



You dodged a bullet, my friend.


We move on to her meeting a rep from an accessories company called Bauble Bar. She tells us that, when meeting with a client be sure to wear a standout accessory so there’s something to talk about. How about talking about the reason for the meeting? Nah – makes too much sense.


Courtney decides to introduce the concept of a line of Courtney-designed accessories. The rep doesn’t look too thrilled. I don’t blame her – it’s hard to understand what the hell Court is saying. Court uses “ya’ll” and y’alls EVERY OTHER SENTENCE.  It’s the East Coast version of “like”. They decide to meet during New York Fashion Week and the meeting is over. Thank God.

Finally (hallelujah!), we see Court preparing for her big photo shoot for D magazine. Her male friend Daylon (?!) has brought over some hemorrhoid cream to rub on her abdomen and thighs, saying it will make her shrink.  Which one of the Bravo producers thought of this little gem?  Daylon slathers her with Prep H and wraps her in Saran Wrap. My dear – if you get any smaller you’ll be invisible.



Delusional, meet Courtney.


Let me leave you with our last Courtneyism of the day.”I’m all about a jumpsuit. Jumpsuits don’t scare me.” Wow. I can sleep a little better tonight. Note to self: Make reservation for Court on Shut Up Mountain.


Next ep – Fashion Week. I hope to see you then!

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