Hollywood Starz: Hip Hop pageant on Toddlers & Tiaras is going to go down as one of my least favorite pageant themes ever, mostly because I do not care for hip hop, but also because these pageants already have the girls dressing like whores and now they are dressed like ‘hos. Subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless.
Waiting for tonight…oooh-oooh.
Pageant director Jonel Stanek is our poor man’s J-Lo and is still living on the block. In fact, she lives right in the middle of it. She says people were confused as to what hip hop was all about except for our guy Ron who is rubbing a t-shirt between his legs while dancing with one of the twins (probably the pretty one) onstage. Oh Ron. RON! Say it ain’t so.
Ron, we can never unsee this! NEVER!
While watching the show, I thought I was having a stroke because everything was outlined in neon pink or purple, but it turns out it’s just those editors and their fancy machines. You kids crack me up.
First up, we meet Devin, 5, and for some reason I took an immediate dislike to this kid. Which is so like me, so I’m not sure why I’m surprised. Maybe it was her little rapping song at the beginning or her overconfidence, but I wanted her to stop talking immediately.
It’s like she’s her own Magic 8-Ball.
And speaking of stopping talking, mom Darci tells us that her older daughter has been in pageants so Devin just followed suit. Older daughter says that her parents are both hippies, dragging them to Phish and Grateful Dead festivals, and I think it’s funny that a hippie would be into pageants over, oh, I don’t know, hairy armpits and hemp hammocks.
I think I know why Devin’s so irritating.
Darci’s great idea is to make Devin a cheetah for hip hop, as that is the hip hop mascot, right? She says Devin will be going from the African jungle to the concrete jungle and not only is that kind of racist (and not really correct – sources reveal that hip hop started in New York unless someone out there knows otherwise) but also a bit of a stretch…methinks the judges are not going to follow this logic.
Dad says he doesn’t get it, and claims it’s because “I’m just a dad.” Then he pounds some ‘shrooms.
I am now going to eat the best bowl of Cheerios ever.
Darci reveals that she’s a face and body artist. Which makes sociology and philosophy majors look more employable than ever!
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