Kind of low on energy but high on familial fighting (sort of) this Traven-free (again!) episode of Toddlers & Tiaras brings the horrifying hip hop culture to pageants. The Hollywood Starz: Hip Hop pageant brings us the poor man’s J-Lo, pageant director Jonel Stanek, who tells us a lot of people are confused about hip hop…because they don’t have access to Google?
Bitches, please do your homework.
First up is Devin, 5, the daughter of Phish and Dead Head festival going hippies. Mom Darci criticizes from the get-go and says pageants are “performance art.” She herself is a face and body painter, the one job that hasn’t been affected by the government shutdown since the market for that job sucks no matter what is going on in the world. She is making Devin a cheetah for hip hop wear, because she says hip hop really started in Africa and made its way over to the concrete jungle. Way to be racist, hippie.
Next up is angelic Adrianna and her motorcycle gang family. Dad spoils her non-stop, I’m going to give that a pass because this keeps her off the pole. Well, for that and because she wants a SpongeBob motorcycle when she grows up. Yeah, not exactly Sons of Anarchy here. Sadly, her family dresses her in a white t-shirt and jeans for hip hop calling it the best outfit ever…WITH NO BLING! What are you, amateurs?
And finally, we meet dot-Indian Malina and they gayer-than-dad-David dad Harry who swears he isn’t gay which is the first thing a gay dad says about his gayness. Mom and dad are super supportive of Malina, although I think medical school followed by law school is a better option than pageants, but godmother and hair/makeup artist wannabe Thalya is not really. She’s a total fatass lazy whiner who is a victim the entire time, although if people kept commenting on my beard and mustache at the age of 24, I might get a little pissy too. And I might pick up some freakin’ Nair at the drugstore. Seriously, how could Indians be so damn stupid? They must be genetic mutants. Even untouchables are smarter than these people and their shadows are considered tainted.
Oh. My. God. There’s poor dad Ron. In tights. Without a shirt. He has damaged us forever. And totally turned in his man card for good. Although I’m guessing his dad card is very, very secure.
So, beauty is fine, hip hop shows a lot of little girls dressed like whorebags, the cheetah hip hop makes no sense, Malina is a little to Strawberry Shortcake MD for the judges – and speaking of which, Flock of Seagulls Judge Johnny Ray is back in full glory and splendor and he is OFFICIALLY invited to join us drinking, that guy is an amazingly insightful judge. Heh.
At the end, we are treated to poor sportsmanship, sour grapes, Ghetto Rattz and a stranded family. Serves you right for being douchebags to your chauffer, bitches.
Recap coming as soon as I sober up.
AND BETTY IS ONLY 42? Sweet Jesus, it’s going to take a team of microdermabrasionists to fix that. And Johnny Ray – get on that hair STAT!
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