Time for The Real Housewives of New Jersey to reunite. “The season ended with peace,” Andy Cohen tells us, continuing ominously, “but do underlying tensions still threaten this family?” Well, you better hope so Cohen, that’s pretty much all you’ve got at this point. And so we begin.
First, Andy welcomes us.
To the tackiest place on earth.
My eyes hurt. I am possibly blinded by the asteroid sized chandelier. But I will carry on. Let’s hear everyone do their flirty, “Hi Andy” as he goes around the couch and does intros. He tells Ter she is looked “as understated as ever”, which she takes as a compliment which is okay because I actually do think he meant it as one. I mean, Teresa in cotton twill just would’t be Teresa.
He tells Jacquee he can’t tell the difference before and after surgery which, um, well, ouch. Only gay guys can get away with saying this shit, by the way. Caro is introduced in an off the shoulder purple rag and it looks like she could use a bra.
Melissa is noted for now being a blonde, and Kat is welcomed back from Italy where it appears she has been punched repeatedly in both eyes.
Or is it the Lauren Manzo Smokey Eye Special?
Too much, lady. At least learn how to blend. They reflect on what a bad trip last year’s reunion was. He takes about 30 seconds before jumping right into Teresa and the indictment. What reaction has she received from the group? They’ve all reached out, she reports. ”39 counts,” squawks Andy, “Was anyone surprised?”
Everyone answers politely, although come on – we all saw the Brown Smurf paying off contractors in cash in Season One. This could have happened to anyone, cries Teresa valiantly. Oh, what a courageous soul you are, staying strong and miking up despite the hardship of the mean government being mad at you for lying about being bankrupt.
They also all make a big deal about how the legal problems are a personal issue and they would never dream of asking about it. Even though Jacquee asking about it was the basis for last year’s BLOODFEUD, but we’re all pals now so let’s just forget about those pesky little things called facts.
“More on that later,” chirps Andy. Then he goes to Tiny Caro. One of the viewers notes that she didn’t like who she was last season, what does she think about herself this season? Well, she thinks she deserves a pat on the back. And a radio show. And a psychology degree. And probably a medal. Ter agrees that this was a kinder, gentler Tiny Caro.
So where’s she shacking up nowadays? Back in Franklin Lakes. The Hoboken apartment was an experiment, she explains. So I guess Al’s back to meeting his girlfriends in the Brownstone apartments. And on that topic, Andy wants to know about some recent comments Caro made about Al cheating on her.
Hold on, she says holding her finger up at Andy. She wants to clarify. She’s 52. He’s 53. ”For me to think for a moment that he has been completely faithful for 32 years…I think that’s a foolish way to think.” So you do think he’s cheated on you, Andy confirms. Well, he says he hasn’t, Caro replies, but she doesn’t want to be one to say “never my husband”. So why say it at all, Andy wants to know.
Wait, was this before or after I gave you the spinoff?
Well, it is a bit confusing. So let’s bring Mel into it. She’s no stranger to cheating rumors, Andy reminds her, what does she think? Melissa says that she’d be crazy if she found out Midge cheated. Now he asks Ter not if she’d be upset if the Brown Smurf cheated on her, but if she thinks he has. No, she replies, not totally convincingly.
She says one of the Brown Smurf’s accused lovers was their secretary / babysitter. ”Was that the one you brought up last year?” Andy asks Jacquee, practically panting. Yes, she says, but she doesn’t “want to go there this time”. Of note in the flashback- Ter did the squealy thing when Jacquee came out with that whopper. So, case closed.
Now that Caro has seen the Gorgas make amends, is she inspired to reunite with Dina? Nope. She doesn’t judge herself compared to anyone else, just against her own glowing perfection. Andy hearkens back to an interview Dina did, saying that when she left the show, she chose to distance herself from everyone, including Ter. But Ter still came around, knocking at her door and making an effort to fix things. Was that a dig at you, he wants to know? Caro stands firm on not discussing her feud with Dina “in the press”.
I’m terribly sorry but the New York Times is going to have to find a way to carry one without this earth-shattering scoop.
Was Melissa wrong to come on the show, is Andy’s next question to Caro. No, but they chose to continue their arguments on the show. Huh? I don’t even know what she means by that but without the Gorga BLOODFEUDS, all we’re left with is an apartment in Hoboken filled ovens that don’t work and kids that don’t work either.
Sounds like a spinoff to me!
She points out how similar Mel and Ter are, and Mel tells her that being compared to Teresa is offensive. What’s more offensive, being compared to a person you find unappealing, or telling said unappealing person how offended you are to be compared to them?
“If we were so alike, we wouldn’t butt heads as much as we do,” explains Mel. Uh, that’s pretty much exactly why you don’t get along. Does Midge have custody of your one shared brain cell this afternoon? And now we’re on Melissa. How’s the music career going?
And they are trying to get radio play for her theme park produced song, Never Let Me Go. Hm. How many other radio stations does Johnny Wright own? I fear this song may never escape Orlando. Then he reads a comment saying that the reviews of her song “aren’t great” and there appears to be an excessive amount of auto-tune.
“I guess when you’re a housewife, people automatically assume that’s what goes on,” she replies breezily. Also, if we watch you on TV butchering the poor, innocent song. That might be another reason people might think your singing is a mess. Or if no other radio stations besides the one that the guy who produced the song owns want to play your song. That might be another reason.
Except, no. It’s just ’cause I’m a housewife.
Apparently, there was some video of Mel singing at the radio station concert that was leaked, and it wasn’t good. Oh but that wasn’t the “real audio” Mel protests. She’s got all sorts of great reasons why. There was a commercial going on in the background. There was no background music. “So,” she concludes, as though commercials and lack of background music mitigate the fact that she can’t carry a tune in a borrowed Chanel purse.
It was a joooooooke!
Melissa gets so annoyed when anyone tries to poke holes in her saint routine. Andy notes that she was under scrutiny this season, mainly for touting her allegedly perfect marriage. Did you wind up talking about your father’s infidelity in the book, Andy wants to know? Oh, I sure hope not. We want to keep that info to the TV audience only. It’s private family stuff.
But of course she has. But it wasn’t about infidelity, she corrects. It was just about him being gone. Did you know about it, Andy asks Ter? No, and she felt weird learning about it on TV. Mel argues that they never had a relationship where they discussed things like that. Also, “it’s really nobody’s business,” she yammers until Teresa has a momentary rendezvous with logic and chimes in that she shared it with the whole world on TV.
“That’s my decision to share that with them,” says Mel, losing steam as even she realizes that there’s kind of no way out of this one. Now it’s about the picture on the cover of her “bestseller”. When Ter asked where her brother was in the photo, Mel took it as an insult. But Martha from Podunk thinks that considering the book is about her perfect marriage, that was a fair question.
Mel sidesteps the answer to accuse Ter of making a dig, then defiantly declares that she was the one who wrote the book.
And therefore, she will be the one on display.
“And I wouldn’t say, Fabulicous, why’d you only pick one daughter for the cover?” continues Mel on her self-righteous rant.
“Well, you just did,” says Ter holding tight to her moment with logic. This shuts Mel up, and it’s finally time to move on. What about Ter’s blurb in the front of her new book that says it’s written with “real words”. So not just recipes that are written with fake words, like “ingrediences”.
Was that a dig to Mel, asks Andy? Is this entire reunion going to be you regurgitating comments they’re made throughout the season and asking if it was a dig?
Was that a dig…at me?
Well, yes she thought Mel was out of line for saying that. Mel says that writing a biography/advice book is different than a recipe book. Well yeah, the recipe books sell. From what I hear, your book is more of a how-to for future date rapists.
Andy questions Mel for keeping a tight leash on Midge despite the fact that she seems so confident. She admits to the tight leash, and to picking all his secretaries to make sure that they are sufficiently ugly. ”That’s a sharp juxtaposition to Caroline, who basically said that her husband was cheating on her,” Andy replies. Stop showing off. There’s no way anyone on that couch knows what juxtaposition means.
Oh, just-a-position. Like when you’re on display, it’s just-a-position.
Caro jumps in to wag her finger again and tell Andy to stop saying that Al’s cheating on her. Listen lady, he’s only trying to paint your dud of a season with some sparkly cheetah print.
She calls him a troublemaker. He is kind of sassy today! For Caro, the tight leash would choke her, she says. She’s gone to the strip club and let her husband have lap dances sitting right next to her. Well, that’s all I need to know what a enviably healthy marriage you have.
What about you Mel, asks Andy? Would you go strip clubs with Midge?
I’m sorry, have you just joined us right now? Did you not hear the story of how we met?
But she gives Andy a haughty “absolutely not!” If Midge wants to see ass, she’ll show it to him at home. ”Is that because you used to be a stripper,” asks Andy with a serious face that makes me love him for a moment. ”Of course,” she replies sarcastically.
Okay, next viewer question. Mel claims that her “haters” are looking for five minutes of fame, but other ladies have been around for longer, and not had as much dirt dished on them. Mel says that Nose Pimple Jan just wanted her salon to be featured on the show, and when it wasn’t she started the rumor. The she brings up some text she got telling her to watch her back because Ter and Penny and the rest of the “army” were after her.
What about this text asks Andy, hopeful for confrontation. But Ter says she’s not going to address it if the culprit isn’t there to say it to her face. Mel flips her weave.
Next question – the Milania hair care party was the perfect time for Mel put Nose Pimple in her place but she seemed nervous about what Nose Pimple had to say. ”What? Really? I mean, come on!” is Mel’s reply. But do any of those things mean “no, I never cheated”? And she’s got plenty more ways to not answer the question where that came from! She didn’t want to get into it with Nose Pimple at the event because it didn’t matter to her that much. Never mind the fact that THE CHEATING RUMOR became her one storyline that dragged on for 97 episodes. It was really nothing to her.
Then she declares herself to be wife and mother who would never yell and scream on TV. ”I’ve seen you yell and scream,” contributes Andy. Well, yes, when something upsets her, she explains. But THE CHEATING RUMOR that wouldn’t die was not one of those upsetting things. Melissa is coming off as really full of shit on this reunion.
Mel thinks Nose Pimple knows she looks like an idiot. But what about when Ter and Kim D. and Nose Pimple were all at a sushi place together. Ter says that she and Kim D. were there, and Nose Pimple came and joined them. Nothing she could do. But then she tells Mel that she heard that Mel had a deal with Radar online that if she fed them scoop about Ter, they wouldn’t write about her. Oh, please. Is Radar Online the new Twitter?
Mel is silent for a moment, and then denies it. Then there’s some argument about communicating about bad stories and I’m kind of lost. I don’t even think they know what they’re arguing about anymore. The whole thing denigrates to an argument about the Sushi Lounge and then it’s a lot of people talking over each other.
I ignore the fight in favor of the real question here – what’s the deal with the Sushi Lounge? Do you recline while eating sushi? I demand answers.
Oh, now it’s Kat’s moment. ”There were too many cooks in your kitchen,” chortles Andy. The best part is Ter’s comment about Kat’s cannolis being edible, followed by her wondering if she rolled her eyes too much. When the clip ends, Jacquee asks, “Oh, was that Kathy’s scene?” prompting Andy to ask Kat if that comment was indicative of the larger issue.
Kat starts blathering about how she just doesn’t have a “loud voice”. Also, she’s fucking boring. Andy says a lot of people thought Lebanese Dilbert was a chauvinist jerk. Kat gets quite defensive over that one. He calls Ter out for “throwing shade” at Kat with the edible cannoli comment, but that doesn’t turn into the big fight we were hoping for.
Now it’s on to Lebanese Dilbert insulting women on Twitter. Is Kat embarrassed? Somewhat, but she’s pretty defensive about that too. If he’s tweeting anything harsh, it’s only in reaction to someone saying something about his family. Wonder why he never messed with me. I’ve only been calling his daughter the BJ queen for three years now.
Someone else was offended at Dilbert’s comment about Vic’s friends taking advantage of the college meal plan. Kat says it was stupid and in poor taste.
Agreed. Oh, you were just talking about the meal plan comment?
Back to Jacq. Moonface Ashley is back from LA and living in Jersey. Jacquee says she’s behaving herself. So let’s check in with Baby Nick and the autism journey. At the end of the clip, Jacquee is wiping her eyes but not full on wracked with tears. Either she’s figuring out how to deal with this, or they gave her the really good pills today.
How is Baby Nick? ”A joy and a challenge,” she tells us. The feedback is that she is “brave and wonderful”. Also that she is “exploiting her son”. She calls it “raising awareness” and she’s glad she’s doing it because people reach out to her with information, and then she can reach out to others with the same info. I hate to say it, but I think she’s right.
Mel has borrowed Caro’s high horse for a moment, and jumps up on it to say that before she “got on a reality show”, she didn’t realize how many mean people there were in the world.
Let’s erect a statue to commemorate the virtue of Melissa, shall we?
Lots of questions about Jacquee’s trip to Bev Hills for surgery. So what’s been done? Boobs, neck, tummy, nose and the rest is botox and fillers. ”The housewives suite,” comments Andy. Does Caro think that Jacquee’s plastic surgery addiction is a coping mechanism for Baby Nick’s issues. Not even a little bit, she replies just a tad too defiantly.
And has Dina reached out to the Lauritas since Baby Nick’s diagnosis? Caro looks away and then at the floor. Jacquee stammers and finally says no. I have to say, I never was a fan of Dina, and I don’t know what the hell she’s so pissed at Jacquee and Chris about, but she sounds like she’s just a shitty person. But Caro quickly jumps in that that’s “not even on our radar”.
Jacquee admits that she was more upset by the breakup of her friendship with Ter than with Dina, and Ter says that she’s sure they will get back to where they were as friends.
Then it’s time to bring out the Joes! Midge has forgone the spray on hair for a shaved look. It makes him look shorter. Andy congratulates them on the sale of their paper mache house. What’d they get for it? “We’re very happy,” replies Mel smugly.
Then we get the recap of THE CHEATING RUMOR. Andy asks Ter why she didn’t stand up for Mel more. Ter claims that she did, but Mel brings up the time she chased Danielle through a country club over far less. Mel was being accused of giving blow jobs in the parking lot – “flip a table like it’s Danielle Stub,” she tells Ter. Danielle “Stub”. Illiteracy is funny.
“I’m not that person anymore,” says Ter shaking her head. Mel does say that Ter is not to blame for what Nose Pimple was saying, but once again Ter is blamed for “having an idea” that she was going to show up and be negative. Mel accuses Ter of being best friends with Kim D., which Ter denies. Then she accuses Ter of just talking over her and not letting her get it out. We even go to split screen, reserved for the most acrimonious of feuds.
Healing in action.
Ter is saying to stop “planting seeds”, and Mel talking about feelings. Andy reads a letter about how Mel is always accusing Ter of starting a war with her Twitter army, but apparently Mel’s sisters are doing the same thing. Mel quickly responds that this is an accusation made up by Ter. Ter brings up that in fact, one of the witchy sisters just tweeted the picture at the most confusing restaurant concept ever, Sushi Lounge.
Mel agrees that she’s right about that. Then the argument becomes “my sisters are my sisters, they’ll back me to the end”. Oh, so now they are tweeting? It’s getting late. I can’t keep up. I also can not believe I am recapping an hour and a half of this.
Then there’s more fighting about some comment Ter made about how she loves Melissa, but she’ll never like her. Ter blames that on the now oft-referenced “bad place”. There were attempts to get together but it didn’t work out. It’s unclear whose fault it is.
Andy references Caro’s blog where she says that when Midge and Ter are together, there is love. Does this mean she thinks Mel is the problem between them? Kind of, she shrugs. This turns into a conversation about Midge’s temper, which Andy says Ter is scared of, which doesn’t make any sense at all because we all know she could beat the crap out of him one handed.
While the Brown Smurf decides this a good time to squeeze in a short nap.
Somehow, it comes back to Midge proclaiming that there has been a social media war declared on him, and Ter defending herself and swearing that there is not Twitter army.
I am however in cahoots with the KISS army. So if Gene Simmons says anything about you, it was probably on behalf of me.
I am so sorry, KISS has no place in this recap.
Loves, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s so late, I’m so tired, I’m so many margaritas in, all I want to do is finish recapping this 9,018 hour episode and all I can do is make stupid 80s metal jokes and search the internet for the exact picture of Jon Bon Jovi that hung above my bed in 1989. I think I must just really miss Rock of Love and this is my cry for help. Okay – back to the RHONJ.
But seriously. Come back.
So where did we leave off? Arguing. About THE CHEATING RUMOR. Didn’t we settle this already? Didn’t Teresa sort of apologize? Midge says he is “learning to react”. Funny, most of us learn to, like, dance, speak a foreign language, do math – this one’s learning how to “react”.
Then it’s time for America’s Favorite Lesbian, who’s introduced as world renowned for her fiery temper. Ter says that she and Ro are similar because they get crazy but then they get over it. Ter insists that she doesn’t hold a grudge. Andy says she does. She says she’s learned not to. ”In the last half hour?” he asks. Ooooh, Andy Cohen is on fire!
Then it’s the antics of that wacky duo, Ro and Joe (Guidice). They eat meat and guffaw alot. They try to help Gia with her homework and she calls them stupid. Someone wants to know why Ro was so hell bend on THE RETREAT. Camera time, yo. Then we re-live it via flashback and Ter wants to know why they always have to be fighting. Andy wants to know if Midge was biting the Brown Smurf “in the nuts”. Haha, you wish.
Lebanese Dilbert, who did not rate an invite to the reunion, is criticized for being a perv for squeezing Rosie’s breasts. We’re a close family, says Kat. Everyone else thinks it’s creepy. Someone else wants to know why, with all his means, why Midge wouldn’t get some better spray paint hair. He insists he only uses it to cover up his greys. Mel says his hair is thin, and then he beats her up. Just kidding. He doesn’t beat her up til they get home.
Finally, we get to “the night that tested the loyalty”. It’s a combo flashback of Milania hair care and Posche 2 and a bunch of people giving warnings to Melissa. And it’s the same fight that it always is. Ter insisting that Penny is to blame for everything and Midge and Mel still won’t let it go. Ter exclaims that she’s exhausted over the whole thing and Midge is yelling about how he doesn’t need this shit in his life because now he’s being sued by the Greek. Well, then stop being on reality TV. Or at the very least, stop brawling on reality TV.
And then it’s time for…THE APOLOGY. Oh, and Dr. V, who Andy calls “the leggy blonde miracle” is there. What did THE APOLOGY mean to you, he wants to know?
Well I’m glad you asked, because this apology is all about me.
Andy asks Midge and Mel what they think Ter was apologizing for. Midge says he knows what he was apologizing for. Ter blames it all on “the bad place”. Andy covers all of Dr. V’s edicts, including Twitter, which they couldn’t stay away from.
Oh, and now Dr. V is worried about Midge’s “outbursts”. Someone’s shopping for another cameo.
Come on Andy, I got the shiny face peel and the 400 pounds of fake hair. Let me do couples therapy on the Manzo spinoff.
Dr. V is not getting a great reception this time around, and not from me either. She seems a little on the smug side. Sensing the way the wind’s blowing, and nearing desperation to nab a spot on THE SPINOFF, she asks them all what they need from each other now. Starting with Tiny Caro.
She says that Mel and Ter haven’t been authentic. Let’s hear what Dr. V thinks.
So you’re saying that truth is vulnerability.
Blame is an aggressive surrender responsibility.
Use your emotional language.
In other words:
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH what time is my botox appointment BLAH BLAH BLAH
Then Caro’s got a problem with some blog Ter wrote in Arizona, saying that Al and Caro were fighting the whole time. Oh, was it about Al’s affairs that Caro is sure he isn’t having? But Caro vehemently denies any fighting and asks for proof. Well, it’s what I heard, says Ter, like this is a valid explanation. Then she once again blames it all on the “bad place”.
Everyone piles on her, including Dr. V who also tells her “you have trouble with your words”, which was kind of bitchy and condescending.
As illiterate as I am, I’m still the one with the Bravo show.
And I think that about covers it. See you next week for more of the Guidice legal troubles, and a story about how Grampa Manzo was found dead in the trunk of a car but it definitely wasn’t mob related. Til then! xo CB