Oh, my little Trashies, how I did love this episode. The bad guys were actual guys (well, until Hefty got involved), Jenny is so much more awesome than Abbie I feel sorry for our Leftenant, Ich got in some quality snark, and Irving managed to do some actual police work. It’s a Hessian Day Miracle!
The show opened with a flashback to the Boston Tea Party and the startling revelation that the entire world was coated with Vaseline back in the day. A dude with a bad haircut blew up a bunch of Colonialists which somehow relates to how much Ich loves Katrina. (All together now: SHOW DON’T TELL.) Back in the day Ich wore fetching hats.
Ich was waiting for Abbie outside Ye Olde Sanitorium when Jenny broke out. Since Jenny was in there in lieu of doing jail time for stealing, like, a tent and a camping stove, the police are after her. Abbie convinces Irving to let Crabbie find Jenny instead of the fuzz.
Ich uses the disappearance of Jenny to dig into Abbie’s past. Their dad took off when they were young (because: tv trope) then their mother had a nervous breakdown and was sent to an institution. DUH DUH DUH! Calling it now: their Mom (and maybe Dad) saw TPBD back in the day too. They imply in this episode she’s dead but she’s going to be back to help them by season end. I really hope she’s played by Alfre Woodard or Phylicia Rashad.
Jenny goes to a bar to retrieve her go bag from a friend. After she leaves he’s visited by a menacing music teacher and his friends. Everyone has a crazy receding hairline, it’s fiveheads and sixheads all up in this joint. They torture the bartender to find out where Jenny went.
Crabbie visit one of Jenny’s old foster moms. As is required by tv bylaws, she’s a straight up bitch that treats her foster kids like dog poo. But she does know about a cabin that Jenny used to visit.
Irving visits the bar crime scene where the headless count has gone up again. Luke proves to be utterly uses at being a detective so Irving busts out his Sherlock Holmes impression to gather all relevant facts in five seconds.
At the cabin Crabbie realize it was Sheriff Clancey Brown’s place and that Jenny knew him really well. Jenny and Abbie point guns at each other until Ich shouts at them like the petulant children they are. The three find a sexton that is really a map to whatever the important thing Washington wanted Ich to get in the opening scene is. (I thought a sexton was some sort of church dude, like a bishop or a deacon, but this was a sailing navigation device.)
The screen cap tumblr I use doesn’t have this episode yet so instead you get a promo pic Fox sent out for this episode.
They do know how much we enjoy the pretty boys.
HESSIAN ATTACK! For once both the good and bad guys are terrible shots. Everyone shoots at each other from five feet away for five minutes straight with nary a nick to be seen. The Hessians steal the sexton but Crabbijen steal a Hessian so call it even? They find out that the map leads to a box which is really a door that will let 72 demons out of hell onto Earth. The TPBD has a name, Morloch (the Magnificent is implied. He’s going to usher in the Apocalypse and the Hessians are going to help because they have very weak senses of self-preservation.
In the time it takes Crabbiejen to find all this out Irving, Luke, and America’s Most Inefficient Police Force have solved the barman’s murder and found the musician Hessian’s house. When did they start solving crimes? The basement is a big old dungeon where gross experiments and German graffiti go to die.
Those Hessians smart enough to avoid capture go to a church, find an old book, and bleed on it. This causes the baptismal font to catch on fire and release a pool of goo. Then demons start to rise out of the pool of goo. Which would be scary if they didn’t look like Voldemort trapped under garbage bags. (It might not have been a baptismal font. It might have been whatever you call that thing that holds the Holy Water. Or it could have been a convenient flower urn. I grew up in a Pentecostal church, we didn’t have these stone things sitting around.)
Crabbiejen show up and throw down with the Hessians to stop the demons. These are the most weak-ass demons in the history of the world and they never bust through the Hefty bags. Abbie throws the book into the fire which shuts the whole thing down. (Sense: this makes none.)
Abbie returns Jenny to the institution. Jenny’s not ready to forgive but Abbie’s going to do whatever it takes to make up for her past betrayal. She proposes becoming Jenny’s guardian so that in a few months Jenny can be released to her custody to help them fight the Horseman and his buddies. Aw, they really love each other.
But the best part of this whole episode? EVERYONE PRONOUNCED THE BOOK OF REVELATION CORRECTLY! The writers must have hired a researcher before tackling this episode. Unfortunately no one took off their shirt this week.
Oh, you can follow me on Twitter @slickery if you’re into discussions of University research administration and how badly I suck at bowling.