Howdie, Trashsters. This is late (sorry – life happened in the worst way possible), so let’s get right to the good stuff!
We start with Josh F. and he’s having lunch with…Heather?! Really? I guess the two of them are friends and Josh was the one that introduced Heather to Captain Whiny McPissy Pants. Why, Josh? Why would you do that? If you really like someone, you do not set her up with the worst human being you know! Also, Josh says that Heather looks just as good as Colton does in a pair of heels. Noted.
Anyway, Josh is a vegetarian now and has lost twelve pounds. He’s kind of a dick about ordering. Every time Heather tries to order, he interrupts. When Josh brings up Mr. Twat Waffle, Heather explains that she is not doing any co-listing with the Altman Brothers. That being said, Josh wants to co-list a place in Malibu with Heather because she knows the area.
*Vom* It’s Josh A. and Matt going to a listing meeting. Josh tells us that ever since they formed the Altman Brothers, they’ve been on fire. I guess he’s not counting that giant yacht-looking house on which they lost the listing. Sorry, Josh. I don’t forget your failures that easily.
The Brothers Douche are meeting with Kris and Scott who are based on the East Coast (Boston), but they have a house in Brentwood…which is where OJ Simpson lived. It’s a shame he doesn’t still live there. He could show Josh and Matt that he loves them very, very much.
When they all sit down, Josh and Matt start talking about how they’re originally from Boston and then start listing off other notables from the city…like Peter Griffin. Scott is starting to look understandably annoyed.
Kris and Scott are looking to sell because they just started a pizza bakery on the East Coast. Is anyone surprised that Scott thinks his house is worth more than the price Josh and Matt suggest ($3.995-$4 million)? Of course not! I think it’s time to resurrect the drinking game from last season. Drink every time a seller thinks their house is worth more than it is! Scott and Kris were thinking more around $4.2-$4.25 million.
Matt explains that a lower listing price will create more buzz and generate more offers. Scott turns the decision over to Kris. She takes a few minutes to answer because she can’t move her face in order to form words. When she finally is able to open her mouth, Kris agrees with Josh and Matt and the listing price is set at $3.995 million. Also, they’re going to sell the house fully furnished, but there will be security on hand for an open house.
Aw! Wendy (Madison’s mom) is visiting and she’s making cookies. Can she come visit me and bake cookies. Oh no! Apparently, Marcos is doing a fade away on Madison. That bitch! You do not break Madison’s heart! Even worse! Madison did finally get in touch with Marcos who said that he no longer wants to be with Madison. Fuck you, Marcos. I take back all the nice things I said about you earlier in the season.
Justifiably, Madison is hurt and confused. He has no idea what happens! Just last week, they were talking about Madison visiting Mexico. Hell, they were supposed to leave in two days. He’s still going to go, but just for the business side of things. Madison decides to call his friend Christina to come to Mexico with him.
Josh F. and Heather are on their way to a listing meeting with Hutton. The house used to belong to interior designer Tony Duquette. When he died, he willed the house to Hutton, his business partner. Josh explains that Duquette was known for making crazy and over-the-top designs just work.
The three sit down to talk price. Heather thinks the area is great, but it’s so removed from Malibu proper. Josh is letting her take the lead because she knows the area better and she asks Hutton how he’d like to price the estate. He’s thinking something in the $4-$5 million range. Josh thinks it would have to come furnished to merit that price. Josh thinks that this house will be bought by an antiques dealer who will likely sell off all the valuable pieces.
Hutton agrees to some furnishings because there are just some pieces that he can’t part with. In the end, they agree to list the house for $4.8 million because there are Tony Duquette collectors out there. Also, the house apparently smells like dead rats.
Speaking of rats, here’s Josh A.! He’s having dinner with Heather. I hope she doesn’t lose her appetite having to look at Josh while she eats. Anyway, she tells Douchy O’Moron that she went on a listing with Josh F. today, and he…is…pissed. He’s demanding to know why Heather decided to do this and wants to know why. I go from hating Heather to merely disliking her in the course of this conversation.
The whining baby at the table (Josh A.) just goes on and on about how Heather will end up doing all the work and Josh F. is just a trust fund baby and hasn’t worked for a single dime he has. First of all, Heather doing the work is not Josh A.’s problem (you tell him, Heather). Second of all, I don’t understand all the hate for Josh F. having a trust fund. If I had gone through everything Edith had and was worth what she is worth, I’d make sure my family was always taken care of as well. Third, I’m pretty sure that Josh F. has been making money on his own. Maybe Josh A. hasn’t been paying attention.
If Heather could move her face, she’d probably be scowling at her boyfriend right here.
Rightfully so, Heather says that any business she takes on has nothing to do with Josh A. He made it very clear that she was not a part of the Altman Brothers. He doesn’t get a say in what she does professionally. Josh A. really is acting like a spoiled toddler. He doesn’t want to work with Heather, but he doesn’t want anyone else to work with her either. Holy shit! Heather apparently gave up her working relationship with Mauricio because of all the issues with her working for the Altman Brothers’ competition. Is anyone else getting an emotional/mentally abusive vibe from Josh A. these days?
Madison and his friend Christina are in Careyes, Mexico. It really is gorgeous. I’m really glad he decided to go on this trip despite Macros being a dick. The town isn’t a resort. Rather, it’s just a really private town with a lot of castle-like villas. Apparently, everyone from Mexico that Madison meets has a variation of the same name because Marco (the agent) suddenly appears!
Aw. Madison is still sad about Marcos and wishes he was there. However, he knows that he and Christina will have a great time.
Meanwhile, Colton comes home and Josh F. immediately wants to talk…about selling their condo. Colton is a bit confused because they literally just finished remodeling it. However, he’d be thrilled to leave the condo. Josh suggests they list for $2 million. If they get it, great. If not, they don’t have to move. Colton is happy, but doesn’t want to move to another condo as Josh suggests. He wants a house. Josh simply doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of a house.
Josh is worried about safety. In a house, he and Colton could get robbed or raped. Wow, that escalated quickly. Colton is just tired of living in a retirement community because there is always an ambulance downstairs because someone has died. I could see how that gets depressing. Also, Colton wants a house because the two of them still want to adopt a baby. Then Josh places the Edith card. He doesn’t want to move out of the building because she still lives upstairs. He thinks him moving will upset her. In the end, they compromise and decide to look at both condos and houses.
Josh A. and Matt arrive at Scott and Kris’ house where they are immediately greeted by Merv who is a giant stereotype of a security guard. He doesn’t smile, he doesn’t say more than a few words, and he is dressed like he’s a Secret Service agent.
Back in Mexico, Madison and Marco are finally sitting down to discuss business. I give Madison a lot of credit for keeping his business obligations despite the recent breakup. He really is a professional. Anyway, Marco is thrilled to have a contact in the states to bring in some new clientele. The house really is amazing. I want to go there right now.
Ha! Josh F. tells us that he imagined Josh A. living in a dark cave as neanderthals tend to do. *High five to you, Josh Flagg.* Anyway, Josh F. is at Casa de Douche to meet with Heather, because no one would ever want to visit Josh A. They sit down to discuss ideas for the brokers open. Heather wants to throw a barbecue because the house is so remote. I loves me some good BBQ, but even I know that’s not the way you’d sell a house like that one.
On the way to use the bathroom, Josh F. sees this wonderful Wall of Douche:
Then Josh A. returns home early. He starts screaming like a little child when Josh F. comes out of the bathroom. Way to act like a professional, Altman. Seriously, there are millions and millions of people who work with people they don’t like every day. Lord knows I do it. However, you have to act like an adult and put aside personal feelings to get the job done.
Josh F. leaves to go to another meeting and Josh A. cements his status as a potentially abusive boyfriend when he refers to Josh F. being in “my house.” Good on Heather for standing up for herself. I hope she dumps this loser. I’d like her so much more if she did.
Of course we can’t be rid of Josh A. that quickly. He and his mom (Judi) are meeting with Josh’s jeweler (Jason). As soon as Josh reveals that he’s not looking to buy some cuff links, Jason flips out. Josh is buying an engagement ring. I’ll leave this cute animal here to keep you occupied while you wait for me to finish vomiting.
Judi seems more excited than her son. Josh tells us that he’s not nervous at all because he loves Heather so much. Yes, he loves her so much that he asks her to give up business relationships and throws a temper tantrum when she works with anyone. That’s not love. That’s being an overly possessive ass hole. Honestly, Josh complains the entire time about price. Also, Judi knows Heather’s ring size. I guess manipulation runs in the family. It seems Mama Altman wants Josh to get married more than he does.
On a happier note, Madison and Christina are having dinner on some amazingly erotic plates.
Josh A. and Matt are back at Kris and Scott’s house and Merv is still there and he’s still creepy. At least that was a short segment.
Josh F. (the good Josh) is in his office making calls about possibly selling his condo. He’s keeping it as a pocket listing in order to keep the price on the higher end. Then Josh calls Colton because someone is on their way right now to see the house. Also another short segment.
So, we’re back in Mexico where Madison and Marcos are back to talking business. They both think Careyes is very much like Malibu, so Madison should be able to get some of his clients interested.
And we’re back and Josh F.’s condo where he’s on the phone with Heather. Unfortunately, a lot of the agents in Malibu are hesitant to come out so far, so they’re going to have to reach out to Ventura County. Also, they’re hiring Mikey for the day. Take a lesson from Nancy Reagan, Josh – just say no!
Can we skip the Josh Altman segment? He’s meeting with Brant whose client has made an offer on the property. Josh is sketchy about taking off his shoes when Brant asks him to do so.
Brant’s client has made an offer of $3.6 million on the house. When giving a counteroffer, Josh remains the man child that he is and just writes “MORE” on a piece of paper. In all seriousness, Josh says they don’t want to take anything less than asking price. Brant leaves the room to make a phone call and comes back with an offer of $3.8 million.
Meanwhile, in the adult word, Madison is enjoying his last few days in Careyes. However, he still wishes Marcos was with him. Luckily, Christina is there to let Madison vent. It was a shitty way for the relationship to end. Fuck you, Marcos. Team Madison!
Blech. Back to Josh A. and Brant. Brant’s clients want the house for $3.8 with all the custom furniture. Josh walks out to call Matt for a suggestion. Scott and Kris have agreed to sell the house for $3.8 million without the furniture. However, they will sell the house fully furnished for $3.9o1 million. Brant calls his clients and it’s a deal. The close the deal with a fist bump.
So, that’s it for this week. It looks like next week will be a pretty boring episode. Why is there no drama this season?
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