This is kind of horrifying.
“If I Were a Rich Girl” pageant is the theme of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras, subtitled Snoozy-Boozy Mommy Complex. Pageant Die-rector Betty leads us on this journey of money and mayhem where everyone gets to act rich despite the fact they are bankrupt from doing these pageants. And Betty, once again, dresses like a senior citizen playing dress-up. Oh, Betty. You can still come drinking with us.
Streisand is looking kind of rough.
This episode we follow 2 girls and 1 boy, and 1 adult woman who should freakin’ know better. First up, in Bluefield, West Virginia, the state that is home to my favorite state capital building, we meet 4 year old Kate who looks like a toddler, talks a mile a minute and has the energy of someone who shotgunned 10 Med Pulls. She also likes to talk to her horror-film-ready doll, Katie. That thing freaks me the shit out.
I see dead dolls!
When Kate talks, it sounds like a high-pitch Chihuahua choking on its tongue, then she barks and meows. Mom Jessica admits that Kate has latched onto this odd doll and says it’s because of her big imagination. Then Kate tells us over and over that she’s the devil. Most kids are, in my book.
Please to meet you…hope you guess my name!
If she wins, she plans to buy 100 boxes of Tic-Tacs and a bunch of other candy. Then she says she’ll buy the whole world, telling the production crew, “Even you!”
Her face never stops moving.
Next up, in Raven, Virginia, we meet 5 year old Kaden who could give Brock a run for the money. He’s a really cute kid, a total tank of a little boy who likes to play football with his brother, dad, and what I believe is Jabba the Hutt’s mother, HOLY SHIT IS THAT WOMAN LARGE!
What the hell? Man those knees are working overtime.
Oh, it’s just Jaden’s mom Melissa. Who has such a large face she reminded me of the Elephant Man. Holy shit, lady, please, put on a pair of gym shoes and just start walking to the mailbox. Wow. She is large through her torso – oddly so – and it just looks so damn uncomfortable. I mean, how does she sit? And also? I worry for her two boys and their impending diabetes and knee replacements.
I…AM NOT…AN ANIMAL.
Kaden’s older brother Zack did pageants first and now he coaches Kaden, including teaching him how to walk and blow kisses.
Al Capone as a child.
Completely missing the hilarity of a tank of an older kid teaching his tank of a little brother about pageants, Zack is very serious about training Kaden. It’s really cute. They look like they could be Marines on Ice.
This kid makes me want to hug everyone and promote world peace.
They take Kaden to the salon and get his hair conditioned – all quarter inch of it! – and his nails done. Yeah, he’s not a girl, Melissa. And if you had one, she’s probably be anorexic. Mostly because you’d be stealing all of her food.