Hola Trashmii!!! I’m not sure what the official title of this episode was, but it should have been, “Stuff We Had That Wouldn’t Fit In Any Other Episode.” Man, was it lame. Most importantly, it didn’t have Lea at all! I didn’t realize how much her #richpeopleproblems contributed to this show, until she wasn’t snooting her way through her manse. Now I know that an episode of RHOM without Lea isn’t an episode I want any part of!
Before I get started, I would like to point out that there was an article on the Daily Mail’s website about the cast-members today. The headline made it sound like there would be pictures of all the cast-members before and after their plethora of plastic surgeries. I eagerly clicked on the link, anxious to see how drastically different these ladies were. Unfortunately, it was just a bunch of screenshots from this episode of pictures that were shown.
In the words of my dear friend, Whitney, I love a good picture of a picture. So here you go.
Anyway, we begin this week with an arranged Sit Down between our two engaged couples, Joanna, Romain, Adriana and Frederic. Well, we would have a Sit Down…if Ad and Fred would get their asses to the agreed upon location.
Jo and Ro wait a full hour for the married couple to show up. An hour? Really? There’s a point past which ‘fashionably late’ is acceptable, and it’s ten minutes. I would have dropped some laxatives in their waiting drinks and moseyed about my merry little way.
Of course, their contracts required that they wait for the drama to unfold, and Ad and Fred finally roll in. Wait…make that Fred and Boy George.
Did Adriana remove all of the mirrors from her house this season? She consistently looks like shit! At least she doesn’t have those damn rabbit-ear-bangs hanging down in her face today.
Since all the contractually obligated parties are present, the Sit Down begins with Jo’s anger about Adriana’s re-tweet of something that was defamatory towards Joanna. Jo hems and haws, and eeks out a crocodile tear or three about how important her reputation is, and how her mom saw the tweet, and blah blah blah. One would think concern for one’s reputation would prohibit them from signing up to be on a reality show, but whatever.
Adriana gives a half-assed apology about how she’s sorry that she re-tweeted something that someone else had initially tweeted, so really, its not her fault that she’s technically been married for five years. #seewhatididthere
Jo accepts her “apology”, and now its Adriana’s turn to air her grievances. She is hella upset that Jo jumped on the Lea bandwagon and didn’t even give Adriana a chance. I would tend to argue that seeing as Lea didn’t bitch-slap Jo last season, that’s probably why she’s Team Lea, but I don’t think Ad’s one to use common sense.
It seems all is well, and Fred and Ro congratulate their ladies for making peace so quickly. At least until the next episode.
Moving on… It seems Lenny was anxious to prepare himself for Speedo season, and decided to bypass working out and head straight for a quick round of liposuction. Heh.
He’s wrapped up like a chimichanga in their bed, and Lisa is taking it upon herself to nurse him
into his flashiest Speedo back to health. She confesses that this is Lenny’s first plastic surgery, and he’s acting like a baby.
Uh… His first plastic surgery?? She’s seen his face, right? It looks like it’s been sculpted out of modeling clay. If this round of lipo is his first-ever plastic surgery, then Lisa’s 30 years old. Damn, these people must think we’re all idiots!
I hope you enjoyed those three quality minutes with the Happy Hochsteins, because that’s about all we are going to see of them this ep.
Next up is Marysol, who is preparing Mama Elsa’s house for her return from the hospital. Alexia and her super-psychic energy are there to help. Before they sacrifice the goat in the name of Mama Elsa, however, they have something very important to discuss: why Lea hasn’t called or sent flowers.
Marysol hates Lea with the passion of all the burning sage leaves in Miami, but she is still pissed that Lea isn’t checking with her to see how Mama Elsa is doing. It could be because Marysol would cut Lisa’s head off to cleanse her palate or something, but I really think Marysol just wants an opportunity to slam the door in Lea’s face, should she try to extend her sympathies.
She decides Lea is the devil, and they go about sprinkling holy water around the condo. I’m not one to dabble in all of this psychic stuff, so forgive me if this sounds stupid, but how ‘holy’ can holy water be, if you can buy it at a multitude of stores?
Meanwhile, Adriana and Frederic are going to the church where their
vow-renewal wedding ceremony will take place. After lurking around for a bit, they meet with the pastor who will be marrying them again for some post pre-marital counseling. It’s pretty general stuff: have they been married before (yes, for both), do they have kids, stuff like that.
Strangely enough, the pastor doesn’t acknowledge the fact that technically, they are already married. To each other. And have been…for several years.
Ad spills some dirt on her past, confessing that her dad cheated on her mom, which has made her very distrustful of men. But not so distrustful that she hasn’t married three of them.
Elsewhere, Peter and Alexia’s mom, the thumb/therapist go to dinner to discuss why Peter is such a fuck-up. I’m fairly certain that she told him they would have a confidential discussion, but the presence of the camera crew kinda negates that promise.
The Thumb gets right to the point, and asks him why he is turning into such a loser. He stammers that his dad is a hustler gangsta criminal and that’s soooooo cooooool brah. Is this dude on a perpetual high? Sweet baby Jesus! He always sounds like he’s floating around on an acid trip.
The Thumb snatches the magic carpet out from underneath her wannabe gangsta grandson, and tells him that his dad is a fucking loser, and he’s on a one-way trip to Loserville himself if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass and get his shit together real quick-like.
Because Marysol isn’t a legit castmember, her presence is explained away with titlecards from the actual castmembers. For example:
It’s the day of Mama Elsa’s homecoming, and Marysol is doing some last minute preparations by wallowing in old photo albums.
Since Bravo isn’t footing the bill for her interview wardrobe anymore, it seems Marysol has raided the closet of a figure skater.
She’s turning into Tonya Harding before my very eyes!!!
Hey! It’s her dad! I thought this guy was a figment of Mama Elsa’s imagination! Marysol describes him as a rich, white guy from Connecticut. He definitely gives off an uptight WASPy vibe; not only does his title card even identifies him as “Mr. Patton”, he arrives carrying a tiny dog that is dressed to look just as yuppy-y as he does!
Marysol reads everyone’s mind and admits that her parents are wildly mis-matched, and were in fact, beginning divorce proceedings after 50 years of marriage, right before Mama Elsa took a tumble.
It seems they’ve patched things up, though, because he has just left her bedside. Mr. Patton awkwardly tries to comfort his daughter, as she bawls over old pictures.
Elsewhere, Jo and Ro are headed to the sex therapist. Jo smartened up this time, and takes Ro with her, so he can’t stand her up again. They get right down to business, with Romain confessing that he is always tired and stressed, and doesn’t ever feel like doing the hippidy dippidy.
He does, however, want to woo and romance his blushing bride-to-be, and make sweet, passionate love to her. At night. Unfortunately, that’s when Joanna wants to sleep, so he just gives up. Joanna fires back that he’s a man, and a real man would be able to ‘find the hole’ no matter what. Charming.
Ro counters that he doesn’t want to ‘do’ her; he wants to make love to her. Aw.
Jo ain’t havin’ it, and continues to bitch about what a ninny he is. Damn. No wonder he started screwing his barwench.
The therapist suggests that they go on a date as characters, and see if pretending to be other people will help them seal the deal.
Alexia and Peter are taking a therapy field trip to the baseball field where he played Little League.
Alexia reminds him of what a sweet kid he used to be, before he turned into such a waste of space, and apologizes for not telling him that his dad was a felon. And then the flood gates open.
This scene is actually painful to watch. Alexia is actually shaking, she is crying so hard. Hopefully this makes Peter snap out of his downward spiral and become a productive member of society again.
Mama Elsa has finally made it back to her condo, and she is propped up in her finest pajamas when Marysol arrives. Dang! Mama Elsa jumped on the fiesty train! She snaps back at everything Marysol says, and practically slaps her across the face when Marysol tries to fix her hair. I can’t blame her though, she looks like she feels wretched, and having Marysol wave tea leaves in my face would piss me off something awful.
Marysol presents Mama Elsa with a glass of water that has been soaking up magical powers from a crystal to cleanse her brain. Mama Elsa complains that there’s a fish (I think…she’s kinda hard to understand) floating in the bottom of it, and Marysol practically has to hold Mama Elsa’s mouth open to force her drink the magical water.
As if she hasn’t insulted her mom enough, Marysol then asks her if she’s making a face.
She quickly changes the subject, telling Mama Elsa that she’s going to be a bridesmaid in Adriana’s wedding. Mama Elsa solidifies my love for her when she dryly asks why. As in, why does someone who has been married for five years need a bridesmaid?
Its Fake Date Time!
Joanna has taken on the role of Natalia, a Russian ballerina who dabbles in S&M on the side. She dons a short brown wig, and perches her ass on a bar stool. Romain is adorably disguised in glasses, and is pretending to be Jaques, who I think is supposed to be a pilot.
Jacques is wild and unassuming.
He sends Jo/Natalia a cosmo, and quickly takes a spot next to her at the bar. They introduce themselves, and “Jack” admits that he has had ladies from around the world. Well this pisses Joanna/Natalia off, and she decides that if Ro is going to be Jack the Playa, she is going to be Natalia the Incredibly Heinous Shrew and Bitch. Because Natalia wouldn’t stand for someone having sex with women other than her.
I have a newfound respect for Romain for putting up with her.
Anyway, after about two minutes, Jo/Nat yanks Ro/Jack off his bar stool and drags him upstairs to their hotel room. She wastes no time, and before the door even closes behind them, she’s ordering him to take her dress off.
It seems she has partaken in a few too many shots of liquid courage, because she is ending every command with ‘bitch’. But really, it sounds like “bitshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. If I were Romain, I would have clubbed her over the head with the bottle of champagne.
In a matter of seconds, they have both stripped down to their matching skivvies, and it seems Romain borrowed a pair of Jo’s panties for the occasion.
Not surprisingly, its hard to do the deed when there are several camera men hovering over you, and they quickly realize that nooky isn’t in the cards that evening. Romain asks if they can go back to playing Wii now. I just want to pat him on the head sometimes.
So, apparently, Adriana’s bachelorette party is taking place this evening. Of course, it’s planned by Marysol, so don’t get your hopes up. I don’t foresee any pee trails on the bed, a la RHOC, in our future.
Marysol is putting the finishing touches on the decorations, which are basically bras and panties tied to balloons. She is hella proud of them, telling everyone who enters the room that they are art installations she has christened as ‘lingering lingerie’.
The only ladies in attendance are Lisa, Alexia and Lauren, who I’m fairly certain is a drag queen.
It takes about 2.3 seconds for everyone to declare that this bachelorette party sucks donkey balls, and before long, Lauren is trying to convince Carlos the bartender to take off his clothes. At the very least, his shirt. Poor Carlos scuttles off in fear.
Adriana says she knows what will liven this boring-ass party up, and heads upstairs, returning with a wedding gown.
She announces that this was the wedding gown she intended to wear for her wedding to Frederic that was supposed to take place five years ago, and since they actually got married, but not in a church, she wants to burn it.
The women look at her like she’s lost her damn mind.
She explains that she wants to burn it because it represents bad decisions, or no decisions, or Lea, or something like that. And really, nothing else is going on at this party, so it’s something to do, so they need to carry their surgically-lifted asses outside to do this with her.
Lisa apparently chugs a bottle of Patron on her way out, because within minutes, she’s dumping a bottle of liquor on the dress, singing that this is ‘for her homies’. Lisa needs to not act ghetto.
The coven hold hands and chant over the wedding dress, wave some Djibouti ashes around, and call it a night.
Next week, Lea makes a triumphant return, and she is confronted by Marysol for her lack of Mama Elsa-concern. And, Lisa and Joanna get drunk and make out.