Million Dollar Listing LA Recap: Gimme A P(ee)!
Greetings, Trashsters. It’s time for another episode of “Million Dollar Listing LA,” or, as I like to call it, “Two Pretty Awesome Guys And The Biggest Douche Canoe Of All Time.” Last week’s episode was a little bit boring. Hopefully that means there is plenty of drama in store for us this week. Also, we haven’t seen Edith in a while. I’m sad and I miss her. Anyway, let’s get right to the show!
And we have to start with the Altman brothers. Can we just not? I’m a little bit hungover right now and I ate fast food for the first time in years, so my stomach is already angry at me. I don’t need Josh A. to make it worse. I’ll be right back. Time to take a shot of Pepto.
Matt comes in and Josh lets him know that they have an offer on the unfinished spec house. Unfortunately, the offer is only for $8.7 million and the house is listed for $9.9 million. Josh is hoping that Warren (the seller) will be open to this deal since he has another project that could use this kind of cash. He wants to come back with an offer that’s just under $9.5 million because it will show that they are real sellers, but not desperate. Josh knows the potential buyer and he’s looking at houses in the $11 million range, so he can afford this one. Then Matt makes me fall in love with him a little bit because he compares Josh to Rain Man.
Josh tells us that he and Matt have to very different selling styles. Matt is more “by the book” while Josh is “outside the box.” I think that translates to Matt is secure in his selling abilities while Josh is desperate for approval from everyone and relies on gimmicks to make sales. For some reason, these two can’t have a discussion about a counter offer without using a board to make a football field. I’m not sure what the point of that visual aid was.
Let’s head on over to Malibu with Madison! He’s having a listing meeting with Sharon at a house on Serra Road. I think it’s spelled that way. I tried to look it up also using “Sarah.” I don’t know anything about Malibu, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. Although the landscaping is gorgeous, deer have been coming by and eating everything. Being an eastern PA native, I know how that is. Bambi is a bastard.
Sharon tells Madison that she has to sell the house in three months because her private loan for construction is coming due at an 11.99% interest rate. Damn. Was she borrowing money from some crime family? At that cost, I’d probably prefer someone just break my kneecaps.
Sharon’s bottom line is $3 million and Madison thinks that would be doable. He wants to list at $3.275 million so he can get the house sold in three months.
Josh F. is on the phone with Colton as he’s on the way to a party with his high school friends. He tells us that he never really kept in touch with anyone from high school because no on liked him very much. I can relate. I didn’t keep in touch with many people from high school because I didn’t like most of them. I’m not 100% sure I buy his story. If literally no one liked him in high school, why did he get invited to this party at all? Call me crazy, but I usually don’t make an effort to invite over people I don’t like.
Apparently, everyone in high school thought Josh was going to grow up and be an alcoholic. I’m going to take this opportunity to post the picture of Josh beecause he’s adorable and it makes me giggle:
Josh seems so awkward because he doesn’t remember any of the people he’s talking to. That happens to me all the time when I’m in my hometown. I’ll run into people from high school, they ask me how I’m doing, etc. and I just have no idea who they are. Yes, I only graduated eleven years ago, but I just don’t think about the people that I wasn’t friends with. Hell, when my class created a Facebook event for our ten year reunion, I didn’t recognize the names or faces of at least fifteen people – and my graduating class was only 111. Sorry, rant over.
Josh tells us that a lot of people didn’t like him very much because he was precocious and pretentious. When you have genes from Edith Flagg, it’s understandable that you will think you’re awesome.
Josh is immediately more at ease as soon as he can talk business. The house that he’s at right now is for sale! Josh’s friend’s (who apparently doesn’t have a name yet) parents are looking to sell the house because, once their son moves out, they will no longer need 10,000 square feet. Hell, I’m trying to think of a situation where three people need that much space.
Ugh. More Josh A. time. Can he just take a really long vacation? He and Matt head over to Cardio Barre (owned by Denise and Warren) to talk to them about the offer. There is a montage of women in yoga pants and Josh tells drools and tells us that he’d love to work out here any time. Well, Heather certainly has found herself a catch.
They finally stop staring long enough to meet with the sellers to deliver the news of the offer. Warren and Denise are visibly unhappy about it. I’m not sure why the sellers on this show get so upset when a low offer comes in. It’s not that big of a deal. Counteroffers are a thing! Real estate is about doing business. Hell, if all else fails, they could just turn down the offer altogether. There is no need to take it so personally.
Josh and Matt explain the $9.5 million counteroffer idea and Denise and Warren are happy. It’s more money than they expected. Josh thinks that anything with a nine in front is a good deal. Then, as they’re leaving, Matt reminds me that he’s an Altman and I hate him – he makes a crack about getting the names and numbers of the gym’s instructors.
Josh F. is meeting with Brondon (his friend) and his parents (Mimi and Albert) about selling their house. Josh really wants to prove to them that he’s no longer a screw up. Albert thinks the house is worth close to $10 million. Of course they’re annoyed when Josh tells them that the house is probably worth around $8 million.
As sellers tend to do, Albert goes on a rant about how much time and effort was put into this house. Josh is right – buyers don’t give a shit about how much a seller loves a house. It’s business and it is a numbers game. Josh wants to come in a $8.75 million, but Mimi is torn. Brandon explains that they want to make sure that the buyer knows all the hard work that went into the house. Oh, shut up already. No buyer gives a shit about how long it took for you to lay the tiling or paint the walls. After a little bit of back and forth, Mimi and Albert agree to list the house for $8.75 million.
Madison is back at the house on Serra Road to meet with Sharon. And he’s brought a pump and some pee! Apparently, coyote urine will repel the deer that have been eating Sharon’s garden. Then this happens:
I don’t understand the point of this. Urine smells bad all the time. Why stick your nose in it? Also, this makes me wonder whose job it is to collect all that coyote pee. Do they get it from the wild? Is it it lab created coyote urine? This are important questions. Madison is going to great lengths to make sure he doesn’t get pee all over himself.
You know, Madison covered himself head to toe, but he didn’t bother to wear gloves. I would imagine that your hands would take the brunt of any pee spray. I hope he washes his hands thoroughly before eating. And great minds think alike as Madison says, “I thought my job was bad having to spray the pee, but who’s the guy who has to get the pee?” So, this is going to keep the deer away for a little while, but won’t the smell wear off eventually? Also, is it really worth it to smell coyote piss every day just to have a nice garden?
Josh F. tells us that he doesn’t have to do a lot of marketing for Mimi and Albert’s house, because it will sell quickly. I guess this segment is just for us to watch Josh eating canolis. Now I have food envy. Josh Flagg might be my second favorite person on this show, but I’m glaring at him quite hard right now.
So, Madison set up a camera in Sharon’s yard to see if the coyote pee worked. Other than a few dogs, no animals came onto the property. Sharon has replanted her garden and the house is ready to be shown. Madison is happier to be selling in Malibu because he knows how the market works and knows a lot of the brokers.
Josh F. is also at a brokers open at Mimi and Albert’s house. It appears that he has no idea how to work an espresso machine. Josh doesn’t know a few of the brokers and thinks that some of them aren’t even agents and they just want free food. Even one of the “agents” even wonders why the guest house isn’t connected to the main house. And then Josh has even more difficulties with coffee.
Fuck Josh Altman. Matt too. They’re making a call to Sam – the buyer’s agent. Oh! The buyer is the dude with the unfortunate neck goatee. (Side note: I’m really glad Madison shaved.) Sam tells the brothers Altman that his client will go no higher than $9 million. Then the temper tantrums start.
Josh doesn’t really give a shit about getting a deal for Warren and Denise. He just wants to prove that he was right and Matt was wrong. Josh Altman, ladies and gentlemen, the very personification of maturity. (That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t realize.) They call up their clients and Warren agrees to split the difference at $9.1 million. Matt calls Sam and just as he’s about to reveal the new couteroffer, just grabs the phone away because he’s got the mentality of an attention-starved four year old.
Josh F. is back and Mimi and Albert’s house with good news. As he’s walking in, he tells us that he’s got a lot of weaknesses, but his one major strength is that he can sell anything.
Anyway, the offer Josh received is for $7.45 million. It’s off by $1.3 million and Mimi and Albert are a little upset about such a low offer. Albert explains that he doesn’t want to go back and forth on counteroffers. He just wants to someone to pay the listing price.
We return to the nursery room with Josh A. and Matt where Josh has just ripped the phone from his brother’s hand. He tells Sam that the new counteroffer is $9.3 million. Matt, who is sad that no one is paying attention to him, does this:
Matt is understandably pissed off. I don’t blame him. First of all, he’s potentially dicking over his parents’ friends. Sam calls back immediately and tells them that it’s a done deal at $9.3 million. They call Warren and Denise who are elated. Then Matt ruins the moment by continuing his creepy predatory ways when he asks Denise to save him a spot at Cardio Barre.
Meanwhile, Josh F. is still trying to understand why Mimi and Albert don’t even want to counteroffer. It gets worse. They’re taking the house off the market right now. They’re just too attached to house at the moment. I hope Josh still gets paid for his time. Josh isn’t even surprised. He knows how much that Mimi and Albert love the house. It’s really sweet that they agree to go to Josh when they are ready and they tell him how proud they are of how far he’s come since high school.
Madison is trying to find a new strategy for Sharon’s home. He’s convinced her to lease the home for $10,000 per month. And that’s a short segment.
Dammit. We’re back with Josh A. and Matt. They’re talking about doing more deals together and merging their businesses. I’m not sure the word can handle that much douche in one concentrated area.
Matt says that if they go into business together, they’d have to set some ground rules. Basically, he’s still butthurt about Josh taking away his toy. These two really are like toddlers. Granted, I agree with Matt. Josh can’t take so many crazy risks if he’s working with someone else. It’s fine when it’s his own money on the line. However, when there is a lot more to think about when your decisions affect other people. When Matt brings up Heather possibly joining them, Josh flat out says no. That’s probably a good idea. First of all, it’s not the best idea to work with one’s significant other. Second, Heather is a little bit stupid.
And Madison is at home doing tricks with his dog. She really is a sweetie.
Anyway, he’s on the phone with Graham whose client is interested in leasing Sharon’s house and would likely buy the house once the lease is up. Graham’s client wants to make an offer of $7,500 per month, but that’s really low for the area. With that, Madison calls Sharon and she knows that it’s a bad offer. So, Madison hangs up to call Graham.
Back and Josh and Colton’s place, they’re having some work done. While the house is a mess during construction, they’ve decided to move into a hotel. Josh is in heaven because he loves room service, free robes, and packaged soap. Also, they order room service for their dog Godzilla…and Josh has a bite of it. I hope it’s not really dog food.
Later, Josh is having a meal with him mom. They just talk about the deal with Brandon’s parents it’s everything we’ve heard before. Josh’s mom tells him that she’s proud and it’s all warm and fuzzy.
Back in Malibu, Graham has gotten his client to come up to the $8,500 per month. Madison thinks he can work with $8,500 if the potential renter pays it a year in advance. He agrees to wait on hold while Graham calls his clients. Apparently, it was the quickest phone call ever because he’s back with Madison in seconds. They will pay $102,000 up front – the entire year of the lease and they’re ready to move in right away. With that new offer, Madison calls Sharon. She accepts the terms and the deal is done!
That was another pretty boring episode. The previews for next week look better. I’m looking forward to a Heather temper tantrum!
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