Greetings, Trashsters. It’s time for another episode of “Million Dollar Listing LA,” or, as I like to call it, “Two Pretty Awesome Guys And The Biggest Douche Canoe Of All Time.” Last week’s episode was a little bit boring. Hopefully that means there is plenty of drama in store for us this week. Also, we haven’t seen Edith in a while. I’m sad and I miss her. Anyway, let’s get right to the show!
And we have to start with the Altman brothers. Can we just not? I’m a little bit hungover right now and I ate fast food for the first time in years, so my stomach is already angry at me. I don’t need Josh A. to make it worse. I’ll be right back. Time to take a shot of Pepto.
Matt comes in and Josh lets him know that they have an offer on the unfinished spec house. Unfortunately, the offer is only for $8.7 million and the house is listed for $9.9 million. Josh is hoping that Warren (the seller) will be open to this deal since he has another project that could use this kind of cash. He wants to come back with an offer that’s just under $9.5 million because it will show that they are real sellers, but not desperate. Josh knows the potential buyer and he’s looking at houses in the $11 million range, so he can afford this one. Then Matt makes me fall in love with him a little bit because he compares Josh to Rain Man.
Josh tells us that he and Matt have to very different selling styles. Matt is more “by the book” while Josh is “outside the box.” I think that translates to Matt is secure in his selling abilities while Josh is desperate for approval from everyone and relies on gimmicks to make sales. For some reason, these two can’t have a discussion about a counter offer without using a board to make a football field. I’m not sure what the point of that visual aid was.
Let’s head on over to Malibu with Madison! He’s having a listing meeting with Sharon at a house on Serra Road. I think it’s spelled that way. I tried to look it up also using “Sarah.” I don’t know anything about Malibu, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. Although the landscaping is gorgeous, deer have been coming by and eating everything. Being an eastern PA native, I know how that is. Bambi is a bastard.
Sharon tells Madison that she has to sell the house in three months because her private loan for construction is coming due at an 11.99% interest rate. Damn. Was she borrowing money from some crime family? At that cost, I’d probably prefer someone just break my kneecaps.
Sharon’s bottom line is $3 million and Madison thinks that would be doable. He wants to list at $3.275 million so he can get the house sold in three months.
Josh F. is on the phone with Colton as he’s on the way to a party with his high school friends. He tells us that he never really kept in touch with anyone from high school because no on liked him very much. I can relate. I didn’t keep in touch with many people from high school because I didn’t like most of them. I’m not 100% sure I buy his story. If literally no one liked him in high school, why did he get invited to this party at all? Call me crazy, but I usually don’t make an effort to invite over people I don’t like.
Apparently, everyone in high school thought Josh was going to grow up and be an alcoholic. I’m going to take this opportunity to post the picture of Josh beecause he’s adorable and it makes me giggle:
Josh seems so awkward because he doesn’t remember any of the people he’s talking to. That happens to me all the time when I’m in my hometown. I’ll run into people from high school, they ask me how I’m doing, etc. and I just have no idea who they are. Yes, I only graduated eleven years ago, but I just don’t think about the people that I wasn’t friends with. Hell, when my class created a Facebook event for our ten year reunion, I didn’t recognize the names or faces of at least fifteen people – and my graduating class was only 111. Sorry, rant over.
Josh tells us that a lot of people didn’t like him very much because he was precocious and pretentious. When you have genes from Edith Flagg, it’s understandable that you will think you’re awesome.
Josh is immediately more at ease as soon as he can talk business. The house that he’s at right now is for sale! Josh’s friend’s (who apparently doesn’t have a name yet) parents are looking to sell the house because, once their son moves out, they will no longer need 10,000 square feet. Hell, I’m trying to think of a situation where three people need that much space.
Ugh. More Josh A. time. Can he just take a really long vacation? He and Matt head over to Cardio Barre (owned by Denise and Warren) to talk to them about the offer. There is a montage of women in yoga pants and Josh tells drools and tells us that he’d love to work out here any time. Well, Heather certainly has found herself a catch.
They finally stop staring long enough to meet with the sellers to deliver the news of the offer. Warren and Denise are visibly unhappy about it. I’m not sure why the sellers on this show get so upset when a low offer comes in. It’s not that big of a deal. Counteroffers are a thing! Real estate is about doing business. Hell, if all else fails, they could just turn down the offer altogether. There is no need to take it so personally.
Josh and Matt explain the $9.5 million counteroffer idea and Denise and Warren are happy. It’s more money than they expected. Josh thinks that anything with a nine in front is a good deal. Then, as they’re leaving, Matt reminds me that he’s an Altman and I hate him – he makes a crack about getting the names and numbers of the gym’s instructors.