Another week with the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and suspiciously everyone is still getting along. The Guidices arrive at the Gorgas for a playdate and sweet little Antonia is immediately sucked over to the dark side. It takes Milania approximately three seconds to convince Antonia to go hang out in the recording studio basement. But it’s dark, frets Melissa. Well, that’s why we’re calling it the dark side.
Ter tells Mel that she is debuting a new hair care line and when she asked her Twitter followers what she should name it, they all said “Milania”. Furthermore, this is all part of her “empire” – yes, empire – and she thinks it’s nice that Melissa is being supportive. Melissa stuffs her face so she can’t comment as Ter prattles on about being a mogul, and tries not to make faces like this.
Oh, but then it’s Mel’s turn. She’s got a mock up of her book cover, which I must say is quite reminiscent of Ter’s book covers. Sorry - empire of book covers. Meanwhile, Ter tries not to make faces like this.
Bitch. I mean – oh, screw it. Bitch.
Mel does ask Ter’s advice on picking book covers, but at the same time freaks out that “I can tell by her body language that she’s judging”. Get a grip. She also says that it’s very suspicious that just now when announces that she has a book about marriage coming out, here come the cheating rumors. She doesn’t totally trust that Ter wasn’t behind it. Teresa, for her part, tells her to just brush it off.
Like I do wit’ bankruptcy. Oh, it’s fraud now? See, I just brush it off, I don’t even know.
Post-op, Jacquee is back in town. She’s excited to see her boys and they are excited to see her too. Chris Laurita being a nice dad to Baby Nick, tickling him why the baby giggles, and forcing poor little CJ into child labor.
Doesn’t take more than 4th grade math to tell you black water makes you broke.
Jacquee arrives home and it’s a very sweet reunion. Baby Nick is thrilled to see her, and snuggles up like the cutest little bunny in old man pajamas. I’m happy for them.
Then it’s off to grocery shopping with the Wakiles. They shop around and Lebanese Dilbert gets a text from Midge who wants to go to a cigar bar. Dilbert thinks that’s code for “strip club”. Then he storms the bakery counter at the market and tries to get his wife in at the supermarket. Kat tells us that the cannoli biz is going well. She’s already been on the shopping channel twice. She’s out to change the way the world looks at cannoli. Aim high, I always say.
Then it’s off to the cigar bar, which to Dilbert’s disappointment is actually a cigar bar. They chat about the wives. Chris Laurita gives the update on Jacquee, and then it’s Midge’s turn to report on Mel. Turns out it’s her birthday coming up, and Midge is open to ideas. Chris Laurita, I mean Andy Cohen speaking through Chris Laurita – suggests a relaxing trip to Arizona.
At least this year he’s not making us do RVs.
Next thing you know, everyone’s invited for relaxation and horseback riding. Should I invite my sister and the Brown Smurf, asks Midge? Lebanese Dilbert suggests that he consider what Melissa would want. Which is to still be on TV, which means that Ter and the Brown Smurf are totally invited.
It’s apartment decorating time at the Manzos. They discuss what furniture will get wine spilled on it, and what will get gravy spilled on it. I think the scientific theory is that the couch gets the gravy, but I’m not completely sure. Then Al joins the fun, and it’s a full on five minute debate over rug placement until Al finally escapes to work.
She says that they met in a different era, he’s used to calling the shots and sometimes that drives her crazy. Lauren says that she thinks her parents have a simply fabulous marriage but hell would freeze over if it was hers. Cut to Lauren and Vito out to dinner.
Vito wants to order a platter of hummus spreads, but Lauren says she wants to eat healthy. On camera, at least. So she fakes it with a salad and grilled chicken. She says that all Vito wants to do is sit on the couch and eat and she doesn’t want to get fat and bored.
He tells her his buddy just got engaged, and she tells him that when they first were dating, she couldn’t wait to get engaged but now she doesn’t want to because she’s a big time businesswoman. She says she’s 24 and not ready. He wants to move in together, but she knocks that down with the news that his parents wouldn’t approve. They decide their relationship is going nowhere.
Mel and Midge are out at a hookah bar. He tells her about her spa vacation and then breaks the news that the Wakiles and Lauritas would be coming as well.
Less than thrilled.
With that less than stellar reaction, he drops the real bomb and that’s that Ter and the Brown Smurf will be invited as well.
Alright, now you’re just ruining my birthday.
She tells Midge that she just doesn’t want any stress on her birthday. Well, next time schedule your birthday in the off season. But Midge wants to keep the healing thing going in Arizona. Rosie shows up to the hookah bar. Oh, Caro and Jacquee are there too. They take a peek at Jacquee’s plastic surgery. Caro says she looks like a different person then when they first met her.
Oh, and the Guidices are here too? The Brown Smurf is decked out in a fur pimp coat. No better time to break out fur on camera then while the rest of your shit is being sold off at auction. Everyone eats middle eastern food and smokes hookahs. I feel like we’ve done this scene before.
Midge makes the Melissa’s Birthday Spa Trip announcement. Melissa looks positively sad about it. Brown Smurf confirms that Arizona is next to Vegas, and then gets really, really happy.
Hookers! I mean – hookahs. Hookahs.
Everyone accepts the invite. Rosie is downright gleeful. Midge pats himself on the back for putting the whole thing together, conveniently forgetting it was Chris/Andy’s idea. Then everyone belly dances.
The Gorgas are playing outside and throwing snow balls. Mel is yelling at everyone not to mess up her hair with snow. Ter calls, and invites her to the launch party for the Milania hair line.
Great. I love pretending to be interested in your empire.
She tells Mel that there will be a lot of “salon people” at the event…including Nose Pimple Jan and Penny. Then she tells Mel that if she wants to confront the band of witches about the cheating rumors – what better time then the Milania hair care event?
Ter says that she’s got Mel’s back, but Mel still doesn’t trust her. Ter is practically forcing her into confrontation. Mel tells Midge about the conversation, and then Penny connection to Sleazy Angelo who accused Mel of being a former stripper. Mel says they’re all just trying to bring her down. Sorry – bring her, bring her down…
…But I’m a fighter, I’m a tiger, I can figure it out.
Have you ever seen anyone live out their one hit single like this one? I mean, she literally quotes herself. Midge tells her that she’s not going alone, and he wishes he was a girl so he could “lay bitches out”.
Caro and Kat go out and about in Hoboken, and Caro complains that Al hates Hoboken. Then Kat complains about Lebanese Dilbert. But they decide that Caro is better off, because at least Al’s gone most of the time. Lebanese Dilbert lurks. ”He’s always around,” Kat sighs.
Kat is legitimately concerned that her fun little cannoli business is going to get in the way of her marriage. Wow, that might be the first intelligent thing a Housewife has ever said about marriage. Then they joke about Lebanese Dilbert spying on them in a van, even though I more picture him peeking through eyeholes in a newspaper while seated on a park bench.
At the Giudices, Milania is sliding down the stairway banister, and then showing off her boob job. No judgement, all little girls stuff their shirt to see what it’s gonna look like.
They don’t all accessorize with cheetah leggings, but they don’t all have hair care lines named after them either.
Ter tells us that Milania wanted to go to the launch party, and when told her she couldn’t, Milania told Ter to “change the name”. The kid’s a force.
The doorbell rings and it’s Kim D. She’s decked out in her Bret Michaels dumpster wig, and glitter eye shadow which is always appropriate on a 700 year old skank.
Don’t be ridiculous, glitter eye shadow looks good on skanks of all ages.
Ter tells Kim D. that Mel will be attending the launch party, and Kim D. sarcastically tells her how great she thinks that is. Ter tells Kim D. that if she were Mel, she’d want to get to the bottom of the rumors. ”Unless you have something to hide,” adds Kim D., and Ter’s makeup artist agrees.
Over on Melissa’s side of things, she’s getting her nails did with two girlfriends. One of them is the other friend who was at lunch with Mel and Nose Pimple on the day that she announced her book deal. She complains to Friend #2, who tells her she’s better off for having seen Nose Pimple’s true colors.
Ter gives us a little speech about how basically, Milania’s her favorite. At the Wakile’s Kat is still cooking away in their kitchen. Dilbert mentions that they should throw all her supplies in the car and get her set up in the test kitchen, but she really didn’t like that place.
I was more comfortable in the gas station parking lot.
Kat tells us that she’s “got really smart things in my head”. Dilbert finally throws up his hands and says that if she wants to do it herself, so be it.
And then it’s time for the Milania party! Kim D. and her band of skanks are the first ones there.
My eyes have not been this offended since the Rock of Love days.
Mel and Midge arrive and have a tense but effort filled hello with Ter. The witches talk about how Ter and Mel made up, and what they think about it. Because these are the opinions that matter. They self righteously declare how they would never want to break up a marriage, but…well, you know. When Life & Style offers you 75 cents for a made up story about one of your bridesmaids, only a fool would say no.
Kim D. approaches Mel to say that she hopes they’ve moved past their issues. Mel smiles politely and tells her it’s all fine. She tells us that out of the corner of her eye, she can see Nose Pimple. Please, I can tell you, from my whole two eyes watching TV, that Nose Pimple is desperately stalking Melissa, just waiting for her ten seconds on camera.
I can be on display too, you know.
Mel says that she doesn’t trust Kim D. at all. Ter says not to let things build up. Mel says that she knows how to let things go. And then Nose Pimple makes her entrance. She confronts Melissa right away, asking her if she has something to say. Melissa – who at this point, I’m sort of feeling sorry for – tries to get this ugly pit bull to back down, but she’s in full on attack mode while Kim D. stands by.
“I heard you had some things to say, after I had dinner with some people,” says Nose Pimple, who has clearly seen too many episodes of the Sopranos. Melissa confronts her about calling her a bad friend, and accusing her of meeting up with her ex.
Nose Pimple is saying really mean things to Melissa, which is ironic because Melissa is the vehicle to this pathetic appearance on Bravo. Who the hell knows if what she’s saying is true, but Nose Pimple’s so disgusting that I can’t believe a word she says anyway. Also, her accusations are stupid.
This is lame. Wanna do the bloodfeud again?
Ter says that it’s for Nose Pimple and Mel to work out, which is odd because I remember her telling Mel that she had her back, in order to lure her to the Milania party. Mel remembers this too, and she points it out. Finally, Nose Pimple walks away, and Melissa’s pissed. Ter tries to tell her to let it go. Now that they’re got the requisite confrontation thing shot, she wants her party to be peaceful.
Oh,but there’s going to be part two. Along comes the third member of the trio of skanks, Penny. This one looks like she died in 1987 and has been dragging her bony corpse around ever since.
Why thank you! I dosed up on embalming fluid on the way over.
Ter introduces Ghoul to Melissa. Mel immediately tells her she heard she had been discussed. ”Did I talk about you? Absolutely!” trills the Ghoul, thrilled to have made her official entrance into the most banal fight ever.
“I was confronted about a situation and I answered a question,” Ghoul continues her speech. What is this lady talking about? Meanwhile, Ter is standing by insisting that she and Ghoul are not friends and that she had nothing to do with the article about Melissa’s alleged cheating. She keeps saying she doesn’t understand why some lady she doesn’t know would be talking this much about her.
“There’s got to be someone pulling Penny’s leash,” Melissa deduces. She inquires as to who is asking the Ghoul about her, and the Ghoul replies, “Soooo many people!” And all Ter can do is continue to interject that she and the Ghoul are not friends, and to ask Melissa to confirm that she understands that Ter and the Ghoul are not friends.
Melissa wants to get to the bottom of who is asking all the questions about her. ”Well….,” stammers the Ghoul. Melissa notes that all Ter seems to be concerned about is being in the clear. And that maybe the Ghoul has more to say. So Mel and Midge try and get Ter to go off and mingle with her guests, which she resists.
Midge feels like he’s not getting the whole truth, he thinks Ter is hovering. And that she is trying too hard to look innocent. Finally, the Ghoul falls on her sword, and tells Melissa that she’s not going to give up who was asking the questions, “I’d rather take the blame myself,” says the new Jesus.
Melissa tells the Ghoul that she is very happy with her husband and three kids and to please stay out of her life. The Ghoul of course replies that she wasn’t trying to get involved, which is of course why she hitched a ride with Nose Pimple for the very purpose of stalking Melissa at the Milania party but….ugh, my head is spinning. Is this over yet?
The Gorgas tell us that something doesn’t add up with the Ghoul, Nose Pimple, Kim D. Ter situation and they want answers! I don’t know, I’d be thanking whoever planted that story, the truce has been kind of boring. Next week, it’s off to Arizona to ruin Melissa’s birthday. See you then xo CB