Mistresses Recap: Hey, Paul!

Hello Trashiis!  We open right where we left off last week with Paul on April’s doorstep.  Paul duhs that he faked his death.  Before April can even process this, she gets a call saying that Lucy is on her way back home.  April kicks Paul out before Lucy sees him.  Good mom, April!  Paul says he’ll text April his number.  Kthnx, Paul, bai.

Mistresses S1E8 hi sam

Back at Harry and Savvy’s place, Savvy is trying out yet another barrette.  Is the costume designer for this show trying to bring the barrette back? Not that I have anything against a well-placed hair ornament.  I’m wondering if it’s more of an attempt to juvenalize Savvy.  Savvy invites Harry to her 6-week baby checkup.  Is she really just six weeks along?  Why this rush to tell everyone?  I know plenty of women who don’t tell anyone they’re pregnant until they’re past the first trimester.  Not-So-Savvy apparently has a problem keeping her mouth shut.

Joss and Alex are out to decorate Alex’s new apartment and have fundamental differences in their financial philosophies.  Alex says she’s going for minimalistic, but Joss counters that she’s going for cheap.  Alex says that she’s broke, to which Joss responds “that’s why God invented credit cards.”  Methinks we’re getting a hint of why high-end realtor Joss is homeless.  All of a sudden, they run into Sally and her new girl, the unfortunately named Story (“like a bedtime story.”)  Blech.  Story Like A Bedtime Story sizes up Joss before putting her arm possessively around Sally.  Get over yourselves, ladies.  Neither of you are that cute.

Mistresses S1E8 StoryI’m still prettier than Joss, though

Mistresses S1E8 JossDamn, I knew I should stop making this face when I meet new people!

April has followed Paul to his motel (by magic?  Or did she text him?).  It seriously looks like the exact same motel that Miranda and Scotty have been staying at.  Are they staying there together?  Guess we’ll find out later, because April slaps Paul in face!  Well, serves you right for pretending to be dead.

lane punches peteAgain, no gif of this to be found online, so I hope you enjoy this instead

Savvy has a doctor’s appointment with her original doctor, but I don’t really care.  Basically, “it’s starting to feel pretty real.”  Moving on and back to April and Paul.  Paul asks about Lucy and April wins my heart a bit by saying he has no right to ask how Lucy is doing.  When he says he doesn’t know where to begin, she snaps “you faked your death, how about there?”  Lol.  Apparently, Paul had lost his job right before their last Christmas together.  That really sucks.  Unfortunately, Paul is an asshole who didn’t tell April that they were out of money and just let her spend their savings away.  I do not understand why men on tv do this.  Gentlemen, if you are reading this and you lose your job, show your wife some respect and tell her!

Mistresses S1E8 geraldThe poster boy for telling your wife you’ve been laid off.  Paul should’ve gone the full monty to make that money back

April is totally my girl by demanding he tell her about Miranda.  He said it was a stupid fling that he tried to break off once he lost his job.  Oh, I’m sure that’s comforting.  Then he gives her the biggest pile of BS we’ve heard yet on this show.  Apparently he cheated because April was too perfect and he was surprised she hadn’t left him already.  Wow.  What a complete and total douchenozzle.  He said that Miranda threatened to tell April about the affair (too late), and he wanted to be able to leave April something.  “So you left TWO women to mourn you and raise your children?”  Oh, no.  He’s been living with Miranda and Scotty this whole time!

Mistresses S1E8 hell no cat

Back at the boring Savvy storyline, everyone at Savvy’s office is treating her like she has leprosy.  Probably because she wears daily barrettes.  Possibly because her husband punched her co-worker in the face.  Most likely it’s because she is horrible at her job.  Moving on.

April threatens to call Miranda and Paul asks her not to, since Miranda doesn’t know he’s there.  Wow, he’s a paragon of honesty.  Apparently Miranda lied to him and said she was going to visit her mother.  When she wasn’t there, he figured she was visiting April. How did he know?  Oh, she’s been following April’s bank account, waiting for the insurance deposit check to clear.  How could she possibly access April’s bank account?  “You never changed your password.”

Puny God Sadly, April did not respond this way

Joss is called into Olivier’s office and it looks like she has raided Savvy’s barrette collection.  Olivier wants Joss to go with him to meet a prospective client, since she is representative of the “chic, young A-club scene.”  He then asks again about Alex and Joss finally tells him that Alex fancies girls.

Mistresses S1E8 OlivierWhat ees zees thing you call….lesbian?

Harry is mooning contemplatively at the beach when Karen runs up to him.  She’s wearing a pretty dress again!  At least someone on this show has a sense of style.  Karen says she’s there if Harry wants to talk, but Harry says that would be weird since she’s Savvy’s friend.  Karen reminds him that they’ve been friends for 15 years, so she’s both of their friend.  Aww.  Harry starts reminiscing about when he met them and thought they were both hippie stoners, but apparently people aren’t as they seem.  Wow, subtle.  Harry is shocked to find out that Savvy actually talks to her friends about things like him punching Dominic in the face.  He’s an idiot.  Turns out he lied to Savvy when he said that punching Dominic made him feel better.  Duh.  Harry says he could get past Savvy’s cheating, because he so badly wants to be a father.  If it’s not his kid, though, he doesn’t see much of a point.

Mistresses S1E8 Harry KarenSo…this is generally the part where I make out with my clients.  If that’s not happening here, I should probably go back to the office.

Alex is facebook stalking Sally.  Sally erased every picture of the two of them together and is now “in a relationship” with Story.  Joss unfriends Sally for Alex, saying that she needs closure.  I think blocking Sally would give her more closure than a simple unfriending, but I suppose every little step helps.  Joss then tells Alex that Sally has traded down, but instead of knocking Bedtime Story’s name, she says Story is too skinny.  Pot, meet Joss.  Apparently Joss only knows how to cheer people up by sleeping with them, because she whispers that Alex is beautiful and proceeds to kiss her.  Wow, nothing remotely bad could happen with this.

Mistresses S1E8 joss alex smoochRebound sex with your roommate is always a brilliant plan!

LOL, Karen’s receptionist must still be terrified of Sam because someone else is filling in at the desk.  Douche shrink tells her that it feels like they’re fighting. Yeah, I’d say you are fighting, since you blamed her for you losing two clients over the break-in.  He sleazes that he was really just worried about her.  Sure you were.  Who should show up as douche shrink’s new client?  Creepy Sam!  Hahahahahahaha!  Of course since Karen can’t ever step aside, she leaves a voicemail for Sam asking him to call her.  She really doesn’t know how to let go, does she?  April calls Karen first to tell her about Paul, so I guess they’re the bestest friends in this trio of besties (Joss doesn’t count).

Mistresses S1E8 sherlock has no friendsWe know, Joss.  We know.

HAHAHAHA!  Savvy demanded that Dominic relinquish all paternal rights to her baby.  She still doesn’t know who the father is, but she just drew up the contracts just in case.  She guilts him by asking “do you even want a kid?  Right now?  Because Harry and I do.”  Yeah, Harry doesn’t really want Dominic’s kid, Salve, but nice try.  She says that she’s trying to figure out what’s best for everyone, including the baby.  Dominic calls her out on her shit and says that she’s trying to do what’s best for her.  “Let me know when you get those paternity results.”  Savvy is next on April’s call about Paul, and we finally get to see the family resemblance between Savvy and Joss.

Mistresses S1E8 WHATTTThere it is!

Alex and Joss are in bed when Savvy calls.  HA!  April didn’t call Joss to tell her about Paul.  Good friend Joss runs out the door to check on April while Alex sulks in bed.  Ok, obviously Joss is not faking this emergency, so having Alex pout makes her look kind of bad.  Moving on.

“He might as well be dead, because I am going to KILL HIM!”  Lol, Joss.  We all need friends like you.  Except for the whole sleeping with our boyfriends part.  April is crying and Savvy is triumphant that she knew it was a scam.  “I didn’t know Paul was alive, but I knew that lady was up to no good.”  Because it’s all about you, Savvy.  Karen, ever eager to see the best in people, suggests that maybe Miranda doesn’t know that Paul’s alive, either.  Joss wins my heart by suggesting that “Paul and Miranda have been in cahoots from the start” and now Paul is going to kill Miranda and steal all of his life insurance money.  Joss also suggests that Miranda’s lawyer was a fraud, much to everyone else’s disbelief.

Mistresses S1E8 savy april cahoots“This is why we never invite her to hang out anymore”

Regular receptionist is still gone, and Karen is getting dressed as she walks into her office.  I guess she stayed at April’s all night?  Karen tries to suggest that Jacob (douche shrink has a name!) shouldn’t be treating Sam, since she used to treat his father and they’re in the same practice.  Jacob asks if she’s treated Sam, to which she says no a little too quickly.  This is a perfect time for her to mention the break-in, but stupid Karen just stares off into the distance as she is wont to do.

Alex is cranky that Joss got in late and went hiking without her.  Alex is really frustrated and flustered, because she has a huge crush on Joss.  Sally called that one!  Alex tells Joss that she can’t be friends with her anymore, which is extra sad since last week she told Joss that of course she was her friend.  Looks like Joss is hopeless again!  Alex says that what she loves about Joss are the same qualities she loved about Sally.  Joss is horrified to be compared to Sally and cries when Alex tells her that she makes her feel safe.

Mistresses S1E7 ludo friendNo, Joss.  No friends.

April is writing a check for what looks like $100K and leaves a message for Miranda telling her to pick it up at her store.  She then leaves Paul a message saying she needs to see him.  April has the sneakiness of a Three’s Company episode.

Joss shows up at Savvy’s office and says she needs to talk to her right away about Alex.  Savvy being who she is immediately assumes that Alex is dying.  LOL.  In this, Savvy and I are kindred spirits.  Seriously, do not drunk dial me at 2 am because I will think someone died.  Joss calls Savvy  morbid for thinking it’s something that serious (not morbid, CARING) and whines that Alex doesn’t want to be her friend anymore.  Savvy snaps “Here’s an idea!  Stop having sex with her” right in time for her boss to give her the stink eye and walk away.  Savvy kicks Joss out, saying that her boss doesn’t like her right now.  Ya think?  Joss of course overreacts, because she is on this show, and snarks “Fine, I’ll figure it out myself!”

Mistresses S1E8 damien

Oh look, there’s creepy Sam hanging outside of Karen’s house.  Karen asked him to call her, but he thought that showing up in person would be better.  Sam is apparently shocked that Karen is afraid of him.  Brilliant.  Karen suggests that he broke into her office to provoke her into a reaction.  Wow, good insight, Dr. Kim.  She guesses that he made the appointment with Jacob in order to see her again.  Karen freaks out that Sam may have mentioned her to douche shrink when Sam drops the bomb of “I think I’m in love with you.”  Of course he is.  He is a vulnerable young boy grieving the death of his father and he has a psychiatrist manipulating his emotions at every turn!  God, I want Karen to lose her license so badly.  Then the sad, sad music starts, and I laugh because they actually say the words “sad, sad.”

Mistresses S1E8 romy and michelle“Listen to that sad, sad music.  Like, ‘oh, boohoo.  They won’t let her shop!’”

Sad, sad music continues to Harry in the kitchen.  Harry tells Savvy he needs to talk to her, and she rightly responds with “uh-oh.”  He tells her that he loves her, and she of course bursts into tears and repeats “oh no, no, no.”  Poor Savvy!  He cuts off her tears saying that he wants to be with her, but only if the baby is his.  He wants to have a family with her, but it won’t work if the baby isn’t his.  If the baby is Dominic’s, Savvy needs to choose between Harry or the baby.

Mistresses S1E8 sophie's choiceWhatever, bitch.  You want to talk about tough choices?

Miranda and April are making small talk and it’s pretty apparent that April is killing time.  Miranda flat out asks for the check, and I worry that April will hand it over before Paul gets there.  Nope!  Paul shows up as soon as the check has changed hands.  Miranda nonchalantly asks, “What are you doing here?” prompting April to say “yeah, see…I was way more shocked than that,” and rip the check out of her hands.  Ha.

Mistresses S1E8 april playerDon’t you try to play a player!

Joss is looking very sophisticated out on her business date with Olivier.  Olivier can tell that something is wrong and asks her to talk about it.  What a nice guy!  Joss says her friendship with Alex is the most important thing in her life right now.  Olivier then gives her a pep talk, saying that she is the type of person who never quits.  If the relationship matters to her, she’ll find a way to keep it.  Aww, yay Olivier!

Jacob walks into Karen’s office to tell her that Sam Grey has cancelled all his future sessions.  Wow, that’s totally Karen’s business.  Turns out, he’s there to check on Sam.  He says that Sam seemed really off-balance and he hope that he’s seeing some kind of therapist.  He then suggests that Karen make sure that Sam has good support from his mother.  Hope Mama Grey is back from Italy!

Lol, Miranda and Paul are fighting about money in the middle of April’s shop.  Paul sasses that if Miranda was so desperate for money, she could have gone back to work.  Damn straight!  When Miranda responds that she was too busy raising Scotty, Paul reminds her that “April did both!”  April wants nothing to do with this conversation.  Apparently the deal was that April would get money and Miranda would get Paul.  Wow.  April definitely got the better deal.  April tells both of them to go back to the Florida swamp, tells Miranda to go to hell, and tells Paul that he’s still dead.  LOL.

Mistresses S1E8 living roomHey look, it’s Savvy and Harry’s living room!

Savvy is reminiscing on when they bought their house.  They knew it was where they wanted to start a family together.  Sweet, but get to the point.  Savvy has decided that no matter what the results of the paternity test are, she’s going to keep the baby.  Duh, this is ABC.  Also, she wants Harry to stay and be it’s father.  Good luck with that one, kiddo.  She begs Harry to fight for the two of them.  He sadly responds in such an Aussie way, “I’m sorry, love.  I’ve got no fight left.”  Sad face!

Joss has set up brunch for Alex and says that ending their friendship isn’t going to work for her.  Apparently, she’s been watching Seinfeld.  Joss says she’s willing to fight for their friendship, and if that means redefining their friendship, she’s fine with that.  She tells Alex that she wants to “do the whole relationship thing.”  This is huge!  Aww, they’re super-cute.  How long til Joss screws this up by sleeping with Olivier and breaks Alex’s heart?

April is opening the shop with happy music playing in the background.  She rips up the check and actually looks confident for the first time on the series.  Too bad Paul is extending his stay in town, so there’s no way he’s out of the picture.  Hope he doesn’t show up randomly at Lucy’s school!  Savvy has received the paternity test in the mail, but instead of opening it, throws it in a drawer and locks it.  Idiot.  I can’t even with her storyline anymore.

Karen shows up unexpectedly at Elizabeth Grey’s house, and Mama Grey is back from Italy.  Karen says she’s there to express her concern about Sam and suggests a grief counselor.  Elizabeth mocks her “professional opinion”  and asks if she’s been treating Sam.  Treating….how, exactly?  Karen said she thinks it comforted Sam to talk to her, but things have gotten out of hand and he thinks he’s in love with her.  Elizabeth gets line of the week by suggesting that “you could tell him you were screwing his father!  That should break the spell.  You’re not going to try and deny it, are you?  Because that would be embarrassing.”  OH SHIT.  Then, of course, who walks in the room but Creepy Sam?

WTF CatTil next time!

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