It’s true. They’re back. Seriously, MTV and Morgan Freeman thought it was in the public’s best interest that we continue our voyeuristic journey into the lives of these fked up gals and their questionable uteri. (Is that plural for uterus?)
Years ago, who of us would have thought that Chelsea would pull through as the stand out single mom? Not I, said the little red hen.
Anyway, this is late because in my excitement of the first episode, I watched it several times without typing a word; I just enjoyed Jainelle, Nathan (renamed Corky… please research if necessary), Slo Jo, Kail and her tears, Javi, Leah, Goggles/Wheels, Corey, Jeremy, Chelsea, Adam, Car Fires…. Just so much to remember and even more to learn. Lervvvvv.
We start with Chelsea would has bought a house that looks exactly like Hubba Hubba Houskabucks. It also appears that Chels is experimenting with a new lipstick color and me no likely. We head to her dad’s house and see that he owns 343 cars. Inside they both work hard on an Oscar nod to make sure we believe that he is NOT paying for her house. (We know, MTV is.)
Aubree is still insanely perfect and wants to go play with Grandma Rita, who I LOVE. As such, I will NOT make a comment about her on the swing. (We all know that I will. But I do love her.)
Chels and dad review all the reasons why Adam is the first man that I will call a dumb twat. He is so completely worthless. Some men need to accept the fact that kids are better off without them.
Aubree may have built this with Lincoln Logs.
Adam could wreck all these in one weekend.
I’m assuming Rita does a lot of praying.
Nope, I don’t like what’s happening here.
Your swing called, it said “help”. (Totally stole that from Bad Words.)
Over in whatever state that Kail moved to… (because she was determined to buy a house, move, get pregnant, get more custody, get married, etc), it appears that she’s “tired” and alone with the baby a lot because Isaac (Egghead) is in preschool and Javi works. Oh the fking horror of her life. She managed to whine and whine to get exactly what she wanted, and now she’s tired. I’m tried too. I barely got 12 hours of sleep last night. Cry for me!
Slo Jo even picks Egghead up at Javi’s parents’ house. That’s fairly cool. Egghead whines that he doesn’t want to leave his mom. Really? I would be like, “peace out”. Slo Jo offers to put Kail in the trunk. I’m not sure why we didn’t explore this in further detail. Javi doesn’t say much, so this allows Kail to yell at him after they all leave. Kail is spiraling team… it’s time to take bets… Kail, Jailnelle, and Leah… Sht’s gonna be fun.
Can someone tell me what game he is playing?
Settle down. It’s 2 kids, a producer and a camera crew. Keep it together.
I might want Lincoln.
Is this really a house?
Slo Jo didn’t piss me off even once. Minus the duck lips.
Cute kid, but why is she wearing a piece of carpet?
Let me start by addressing Leah’s new hair. It’s like really old, Dolly Parton/squirrel with a Hawaiian flower. Good news, Leah is working at a local tanning salon to help with Goggles’ bills. I’m sure this $84 bi-weekly check is really making a dent. Why couldn’t she just let Jeremy go bust ass in New Mexico? Why does everyone want to spend time with their family. I love me some alone time.
This should cover the majority of her costs.
Corey has the twins, so Leah and Jerm climb into Adalynn’s crib. Is that a thing? I never did that. They talk about money and Corey. Go sit on the couch you hillbillies. Leah constantly scratches her extensions. Jerm leaves for a couple days. I think he’s bringing a case of bed bugs with him. Some Motel 8 is going to be upset.
Who does this? And why?
Jailnelle starts by telling us that being a teen mom has never been easy. I’m assuming she read this in a book while in jail, detoxing. She says since her mom has custody of Jace it’s really hard for her to raise him. Plus, she’s still married to Courtland, so it’s difficult for her to marry Corky and have his steroid demon spawn… or son… Whatever.
It appears that Corky dresses himself.
Jail has found a new Megan to talk to and I love this one… she’s no nonsense. Jail tries to feed her b-s about how awesome her life is, and Megan is all “yeah, but aren’t you a loser, and isn’t Corky is bigger loser that will likely kill someone soon?” Megan mentions that the State may take Jail’s new baby and Jail looks a little relieved.
“So basically Corky and I are considered a power couple.”
“I consider you guys to be complete idiots.”
Crap, we’re with Adam, Paisleigh and Megan to discuss how awesome Adam is at driving and parenting and how Chels is most likely feeding Aubree lies. And btw he claims it was the old people’s fault that he almost lost his life. If Adam almost lost his life, I’m fairly sure that God would have texted me. We’re tight like that. Adam and his friend can’t get rid of Paisleigh fast enough.
Well played, “old people”… give it one more try.
Corey and Leah are baby swapping and it’s the first time we get a good look at Leah’s “hair”. I think I see an honest look of relief on Corey’s face. They talk about some stuff and I just keep crushing on Goggles. Apparently she told Corey she had “Muscle Dystrophy” or something like that. I’m betting that’s what Corey calls it and Goggles calls it “Muscular Dystrophy” and can spell it too. Blah, blah, blah… Leah’s voice makes my ears bleed and why do these girls always have lollipops? Just pour sugar in their mouths and get rid of their teeth if that’s the goal in West Virginia.
“Do you love my hair?”
“It’s 100% natural donkey’s ass.”
“Quick, let’s eat some fruit before they give use another lollipop.”
“I’m a little relieved I married Miranda. She uses 100% horse hair.”
Goggles is using sign language to try to get some veggies.
This scene gets next to no attention from me because it’s a snore. Jail loves their perfect family even though they are drug addicts that fight and spend copious amounts of time in jail. She wants a girl. Corky wants a boy. It’s a boy.
Wasn’t she Chels make-up instructor?
Don’t come out, baby Keiser… it will not go well.
This one gets even less. Kail fights with Javi over a bath and the grocery store. And scene.
Just bring him to me.
Corey and Miranda talk about Goggle’s comment. Miranda’s hair looks like Leah’s hair, minus the squirrels. Why am I obsessed with their hair?
Corey has a little muffin top action. (So do I.)
Uh-oh. Chels gets the mail and she’s in trouble with the SD hair police. She did make-up for money (they are pretend it wasn’t for money) and they are withholding her license. She meets with Landen and I’m happy to see he’s growing up a bit. While I like Chels so much, she’s not too book smart. She can’t read all the words and she can’t figure out that she just needs to write a letter back to them, lying to them the way she is to us. It takes her dad to figure it all out. But who cares, she’s still #1 in my book.
“Quick Aubree, read this to me.”
“Just remember, you didn’t get paid.”
“Haha, mommy totally got paid. I’ll still appeal.”
Kail and Javi are giving each other space so they don’t fight. Baby Lincoln pukes. Her Megan comes over to whine about Kail’s awful life.
Because this looks fun.
Jail and Cork go to tell Babs the gender of the baby. She wants a new lease on life. Cork claps like an orangutan. He’s special, that one. They announce they will name him Keiser. Babs thinks that’s a beer. I think that’s a roll. I think I’m right.
“Jace, he will be living with you soon.”
Corky, you need to be mainstreamed soon.
Chels, Dad and Aubree meet to discuss her “breaking the law” for the wedding. Come on, Chels. Work with me. Dad tries to draw her a picture while Aubree eats her dinner with chopsticks and writes a letter on her Mac Jr. Problem solved. Thanks, Aubree.
“I’m so confused.”
Crap, I’m stumped by Leah and fascinated by Goggles AGAIN! They go to meet Momma Garth for lunch. Leah has all three girls and her hair. They sit down and Goggles asks for her milk. Leah hands her a BIGGIE sized cup of milk. It’s quite possible there was a gallon or two in there… even more possible it came straight from a cow.
Next, Leah talks about what Goggles said to Corey. In the background, Goggles is singing “Oh my darling, Clementine…” (Which I think is a blow to her mom). Momma Garth cuts to the chase and asks Goggles what she said and she said “I have Muscular Dystrophy” and MG asks who told her that and Goggles says, “Dr. Tsao”. BAM! Suck on that, adults. She listened to her doctor. She’s probably cured it by now.
Can we discuss less pink and more other colors?
Garth ever changes.
Goggles just wants a little calcium
She does not need this much at one sitting.
We know sweetie. The world loves you.
I forgot to mention that Jail has purchased a new yellow Hummer. They have a date with their attorney. (Dustin has taken an early retirement.) Jail is scot-free. Nathan gets about 30 days. He’s not happy but he’s more concerned about the video of him getting tased and resisting arrest. The attorney tells him that he was an asshole. He said it wasn’t his fault. Attorney said it was a 3rd DUI and that he needs to get his sht together. He has zits. Maybe he has roid rage too.
Let’s take bets on Corky’s first arrest in this truck.
“I wasn’t resisting arrest.”
“You were an asshole.”
“You’re an asshole.”
He seems balanced.
Over at the Happy Javi house… it’s pizza night. Kail decides it will be fun to eat together in a tiny living room. The room contains Kail, Javi, Egghead, Lincoln, a GIANT dog, a small dog, and an open pizza box. Who thinks this will end well for a couple that is already on edge?
It doesn’t. And Egghead loses his pizza. Truth be told, I’d cry too. They try to talk and Kail cries… Egghead tries to fix it and make them happy. He’s a sweetheart.
At this point I would let the dog have the pizza.
I’m sorry, Eggy.
I’m on my way, Linc.
I hope y’all enjoy the new season. I look forward to hearing from you.
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