Big Brother 16 Recap: The Usual Suspects

`Hey hey, kids! You ready for some more Big Brother? Last week Devin went home, and we were left hanging on the HoH comp. This week we come in while the contestants are passing each other eggs through a chain-link fence, which sounds like something that should have a horrible Urban Dictionary definition, but alas, it does not.bb164viceggsGuess who sucks at this game?

Jocasta and Brittany take the early lead, but they choke and can’t finish the job. Shocking everyone, Victoria sucks at this and can’t hold onto an egg to save her life. Zack and Amber just about take it, but wind up losing to Frankie and Cody.


Something tells me these boys have pushed something through a hole in a wall to a waiting man they couldn’t see before, amirite?

And with that we have another male dominated week, and that means a bunch of girls are probably going up on the block, because that’s how this game has been working.

Who wants to pretend they want to see the HoH room????? Yeah, me either. Frankie is happy to find that his family picture is super old and has his super famous sister as a baby so that no one recognizes her. Yeah, like any of these adults are going to recognize your tween-pop star baby sister? MAYBEEE Britanny, cause she has kids, but that’s it. Although, my roommate’s boyfriend was over last week while I had Big Brother on and he fully recognized Frankie Grande and even knew his name, so I guess Frankie is popular with the early 20’s swishy gay boy collective.

bb164hohroomAnd here I am being way prettier and more talented than my sister…

Letters are read. Frankie sobs like a bitch. Everyone refrains from mocking him because they’re on TV and he’s the HoH.

bb164sobbingIt’s from my sister’s agent

Later, Frankie forms a new alliance out of former Bomb Squad members. Specifically, Frankie, Zack, Cody, Christine, and Derrick. They call themselves The Detonators, and they leave out Caleb and Amber because they’re “Too much drama.”

bb164detonatorsA new alliance consisting entirely of members of an alliance that the whole house knows about and with a similar name? That’s brilliant!

Cody, Hayden, and Frankie go sit out back and talk about how in love with Zac Efron they all are. These are grown adults, here, and Cody passionately declares his love for The Lucky One. Hayden has a man-crush on Leonardo DiCaprio. Captivating television here, y’all.


Even Cody is nodding off during this shit

Frankie gets the next prompt for Team America and runs off to tell the other members that they have to put a physical threat up on the block. That’s easy as fuck, since Frankie is a goddamn HoH this week. They immediately decide on Amber, cause girls are icky.

bb164boysclubThey pee sitting down! Let’s get them out of here!

Brittany tells Frankie she’s worried that Cody will put her up because she’s the only girl that doesn’t follow him around and swoon. Frankie immediately rats her out to Cody, who is deeply offended that Brittany thinks he would play that way. Later Brittany and Cody are chatting and she mentions that she’s pretty over it and feels like she’s too old for all the bullshit in the house. He tells her he’s mad about what she told Frankie, but Brittany don’t care cause Brittany is seriously over this shit.

bb164overitI miss adult conversations. And conversations with my children, which more closely resemble adult conversations than anything that happens in this house. 

Later, Amber and Cody are talking and Amber decides to close the door so they don’t have to shisper. That makes Cody uncomfortable, cause he doesn’t want Caleb to crush him with his thighs. Meanwhile, Frankie asks Caleb if it would be okay to Amber up, and Caleb says it’s fine cause Amber just closed the door while talking to Cody. Good lord, I’d say he’s thinking with his dick, but I think his dick would make better decisions than his brain has been.

bb164stalkerDear CBS: Thank you for this! Just when I thought you’d lost your sense of humor, someone times this ad JUST RIGHT. 

With no Have-Nots this week, everyone is fighting over who has to share a bed with Victoria because it’s apparently the worst thing ever, as Victoria is super high maintenance and impossible to sleep next to. Again, shocking! After all the girls express how badly they don’t want to share a bed with the pretty pretty princess, Brittany tries to work out the bed situation so that Victoria sleeps on her own, but while discussing this with Victoria, Nicole says Victoria can sleep with her and it doesn’t bug her. This upsets Britt and Amber because it makes them look bad, so Britt goes off and finds Victoria and tells her all the girls hate sleeping next to her and they all talk shit about it all the time. High school drama at its very finest here, folks.

bb164victoriaAfter this we can all call boys and hang up

Nomination Time! Five bucks says there isn’t a Y chromosome anywhere on the block.

Cody nominates Victoria and Brittany, and Frankie nominates Jocasta and Amber. Shocker. Victoria thinks it’s pathetic that no one is making a power move yet, and for the first time I kinda agree with her. Really? Everyone’s just gonna keep putting up the girls? Every fucking week? Really?

bb164moretearsLet’s keep nominating the useless people so that the strong players can beat us to the end!

Amber is sick of being the pawn week after week, and as she’s telling Christine that this is bullshit, Britt and Jocasta wander in to talk about how dumb this boys’ club is. I’m not saying Joey was any good at this stupid game, but maybe y’all should have been more receptive when she tried to band all the girls together week one, huh?

bb164girlsclubIf only some traitorous bitch hadn’t run and squealed on her, huh?

Battle of the Block time! There’s a giant chess board and a medival theme. They have to move like a chess knight, and once they land on a square it turns red. No one can land on a red square, so once you run out of moves you’re out. It’s slightly less exciting than watching paint dry. Despite her decision to pray, Jocasta goes out first. Brittany is out next, so that leaves it up to Victoria, who still needs to be coached on what an L shape looks like. While Amber is finishing off Victoria, Jocasta is freakily off on the sidelines speak-sobbing in tongues. It’s really unsettling.

bb164tongues“This is God speaking… Umm… Lolwut?”

Frankie is dethroned as HoH, and gets “tarred and feathered.” It’s weak ass tar though, which disappoints me. This show needs more face melting and carnage.

bb164tarLess this…

bb164gotMore this

That’s it for tonight, kids. Super exciting, yeah? Woo….

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