Dance Moms Recap: Gone Too Soon, But Never Soon Enough or Dead Girls Can Dance
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this recap is like 140,000 words long… but without all the words.
But thankfully we’re back in the studio and Abby only has to pimp out Dance Dance Revolution one time. She berates the girls that didn’t come out to LA to visit her and starts in with the pyramid.
- Brooke, because she was working on her album with Melissa Gorga
- Paige, because she’s related to Brooke
- Kendell, because, well, why not.
- Nia, same reason as Kendell.
- Madi… I swear every time I see her ugly little smug face I was to smash her into a pillow and make her gums bleed from her braces.
This week Mackenzie has a solo, but won’t be performing with the group. Madi has a tap solo and Chloe has a hip-hop solo. Yippee… Madi is an expert at tap and Chloe is a gawky, white kid with no hip-hop training. Let’s say it together… “SHE’S BEING SET UP TO FAIL.”
The group dance is called Gone Too Soon. It’s about stars that were “gone to soon”. I’ll be hitting on the irony here VERY soon. Madi will be Princess Die (do not correct me), Chloe is Marilynn Monroe, Paige is Anna Nicole Smith, Kendell is Selena (not Gomez), Brooke will be Amy Winehouse, and Nia will be Trayvon Martin… or Whitney Houston. Abby will be James Gandolfini.
Okay, so a lot of things happened in the mom’s booth. Mostly we find out that they had all agreed they wouldn’t go to LA over the break, but Melissa went behind their backs and did it anyway and everyone is pissed. Christi says that’s just the way Melissa rolls because she doesn’t follow the rules of society. She goes on to point out that she slept with her married boss while she was married. Melissa counters that she didn’t sleep with her boss, but that she did marry him. She glosses over the fact that they were both married when they met, and storms out. I’m assuming she is heading to her attorney’s office to have some papers drawn up.
Madi tap, tap, taps her way into Abby’s heart while Chloe has to work with Peyton on her hip-hip routine. It is the opposite of hip-hop. Mackenzie made the fatal mistake of playing at recess and can barely walk on her hands for 20 minutes and do 14 flips. Melissa tells Abby that the moms are ganging up on her and Abby says that she can watch the rehearsals from the comfort of her butt.
The ladies go out for expensive drinks and Jill forgets to invite Melissa. But it’s all in good fun.
Anyway, we get to the competition and I’m sure cooler heads will prevail and the Gone Too Soon dance will probably be as appropriate as Chloe’s hip-hop number. What can go wrong?
Abby oohs and ahhs over Madi’s tap costume and pays no attention to anyone else. The moms are all keeping fairly quiet, but the tension is as thick as Abby’s cankles after a night of BBQ binging.
Mackenzie’s costume is fking ridiculous. Abby says she can’t play the cute card any more, but then dresses her up like Kazoo from the Flintstones. Her dance is the same as always. She’s good, it gets boring. She needs someone to whore her up like Asia, but seeing as her mom doesn’t know she exists, I’ll assume she doesn’t have a shot.
Madi’s tap dance is amazing. It’s cute. Her expressions are spot on. And when she has a wardrobe malfunction (apron slip), she dances on like a pro. We are reminded of the falling headband circa 2010 and all sadly remember Chloe dancing in the dark and getting reamed for it. But here’s my take on tap. I’m sure it’s really hard… but give me a box of wine and some tap shoes, and I’m fairly certain I can entertain a crowd too.
Up next is Chloe, and thanks to Lifetime’s HEAVY EDITING, you would have thought there were crickets chirping in the crowd. It was awkward. I cringed. I wanted to laugh. It was just so many levels of Chloe dancing in beef jerky again. That kid has some balls. But she looked pretty. She even wore a hoodie (in honor of Trayvon, I assume).
Group dance… We have the dead stars that were gone too soon. And they’re all in white. Which I assume is to lead me to believe that they are all angels. And while I’d love to think that heaven has some looser morals than I imagine, I struggle believing that Whitney Houston, Anna Nicole, Amy Winehouse, and Marilynn Monroe are quite worthy of my heaven. I don’t know anything bad about Princess Die (except her hair styles) and Selena doesn’t even register. I know she was stalked. Before there was Facebook. So that was a dedicated stalker. I would never have stalked pre-Facebook and Spokeo… way too much work. I guess the dance is good, but Madi had to be such a show hog with her princess wave that I didn’t even see Selena until it was over.
Awards. Mackenzie gets first place (or second, I can’t remember). No one cares. Chloe gets fourth place. She’s lucky. Madi gets SECOND. Hahahahaha. Abby starts to melt, and it’s into an impressive puddle. Girls Gone Wild get first place. Back in the dressing room, Chloe is all “woo-hoo” but tells her mom that Madi was crying. Melissa screams that Madi is fine, just fine. And she’s not crying. Cut to Madi running out into the stairwell. Abby has nothing nice to say to anyone, but she pulls Madi in for a warm and creepy embrace.
I know I missed some funny lines, but I watched the episode and then have been watching a friend’s two-year old, so I forgot many things. Including how to put on pants. Anyway… it was a good episode. The Abby-Madi creep factor is rising and I think Melissa is on the verge of losing it completely. I’ve decided that I like Jill a lot more and I think Kendell is probably really sweet. She always hugs everyone. Usually I hate peacekeepers, but for some reason I think she has a good attitude.
Forgive my lateness. Or don’t. It’s really not important.
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