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Dance Moms Recap: Gone Too Soon, But Never Soon Enough | TrashTalkTV

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Dance Moms Recap: Gone Too Soon, But Never Soon Enough or Dead Girls Can Dance

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this recap is like 140,000 words long… but without all the words.

But thankfully we’re back in the studio and Abby only has to pimp out Dance Dance Revolution one time. She berates the girls that didn’t come out to LA to visit her and starts in with the pyramid.

Bottom

  • Brooke, because she was working on her album with Melissa Gorga
  • Paige, because she’s related to Brooke
  • Kendell, because, well, why not.
  • Nia, same reason as Kendell.

Middle

  • Mackenzie
  • Chloe
  • Asia

Top

  • Madi… I swear every time I see her ugly little smug face I was to smash her into a pillow and make her gums bleed from her braces.
Isn't it nice to see the gang back together?

Isn’t it nice to see the gang back together?

Sorry, sweetie... I'm sure the music thing will work out for you.

Sorry, sweetie… I’m sure the music thing will work out for you.

I was taking privates, why am I down here?

I was taking privates, why am I down here?

Sometimes I feel that Abby hates my kids because of her disgust for me.

Sometimes I feel that Abby hates my kids because of her disgust for me.

I'm glad we figured that out.

I’m glad we figured that out.

Kendell. Speak.

Kendell. Speak.

I just want everyone to get along.

I just want everyone to get along.

I don't give two shts if we get along.

I don’t give two shts if we get along.

That's my girl.

That’s my girl.

At least I'm in the second row.

At least I’m in the second row.

They tell me Mackenzie is my daughter, but I have no proof.

They tell me Mackenzie is my daughter, but I have no proof.

I've learned not to get too excited.

I’ve learned not to get too excited.

I've learned not to get too excited, too.

I’ve learned not to get too excited, too.

Well, except this one time.

Well, except this one time.

I'm #1 again. I think I am supposed to smile.

I’m #1 again. I think I am supposed to smile.

I wore purple so I could be like my only child.

I wore purple so I could be like my only child.

Does she know she has two kids?

Does she know she has two kids?

Mom? Remember me?

Mom? Remember me?

I wish we had been twins so I could have eaten her in the womb.

I wish we had been twins so I could have eaten her in the womb.

This week Mackenzie has a solo, but won’t be performing with the group. Madi has a tap solo and Chloe has a hip-hop solo. Yippee… Madi is an expert at tap and Chloe is a gawky, white kid with no hip-hop training. Let’s say it together… “SHE’S BEING SET UP TO FAIL.”

The group dance is called Gone Too Soon. It’s about stars that were “gone to soon”. I’ll be hitting on the irony here VERY soon. Madi will be Princess Die (do not correct me), Chloe is Marilynn Monroe, Paige is Anna Nicole Smith, Kendell is Selena (not Gomez),  Brooke will be Amy Winehouse, and Nia will be Trayvon Martin… or Whitney Houston. Abby will be James Gandolfini.

Nia, this is what Whitney looked like before she died.

Nia, this is what Whitney looked like before she died. Don’t be so excited.

This is what her bathroom looked like.

This is what her bathroom looked like.

And, no lie, there was a gravy boat floating in the bathtub with her.

And, no lie, there was a gravy boat floating in the bathtub with her.

Brooke, yeah... so I can see it.

Brooke, yeah… so I can see it.

I like to think this will be Madi...

I like to think this will be Madi…

Unless Prince Charles was Princess Die's married boss at some point.

Unless Prince Charles was Princess Die’s married boss at some point.

Paige, meet Anna Nicole Smith.

Paige, meet Anna Nicole Smith.

Chloe, don't let this be you.

Chloe, don’t let this be you.

But Marilynn was as insane (and high) as Amanda Bynes.

But Marilynn was as insane (and high) as Amanda Bynes.

Kendell, this is your Serena. She's very forgettable.

Kendell, this is your Serena. She’s very forgettable.

That's why I wish you had been Michael.

That’s why I wish you had been Michael.

Worst. Gravestone. Ever.

Worst. Gravestone. Ever.

Mackenzie, this could have been you. You were robbed.

Mackenzie, this could have been you. You were robbed.

Okay, so a lot of things happened in the mom’s booth. Mostly we find out that they had all agreed they wouldn’t go to LA over the break, but Melissa went behind their backs and did it anyway and everyone is pissed. Christi says that’s just the way Melissa rolls because she doesn’t follow the rules of society. She goes on to point out that she slept with her married boss while she was married. Melissa counters that she didn’t sleep with her boss, but that she did marry him. She glosses over the fact that they were both married when they met, and storms out. I’m assuming she is heading to her attorney’s office to have some papers drawn up.

Madi tap, tap, taps her way into Abby’s heart while Chloe has to work with Peyton on her hip-hip routine. It is the opposite of hip-hop. Mackenzie made the fatal mistake of playing at recess and can barely walk on her hands for 20 minutes and do 14 flips. Melissa tells Abby that the moms are ganging up on her and Abby says that she can watch the rehearsals from the comfort of her butt.

The ladies go out for expensive drinks and Jill forgets to invite Melissa. But it’s all in good fun.

Just admit you slept with your married boss.

Just admit you slept with your married boss.

She doesn't get it, he's MY husband.

She doesn’t get it, he’s MY husband.

But he wasn't YOUR husband at the time.

But he wasn’t YOUR husband at the time.

So do you understand why we hate you?

So do you understand why we hate you?

Melissa, come down here. I have an ass that needs kissing.

Melissa, come down here. I have an ass that needs kissing.

I've done a lot worse for my daughter. I mean daughters.

I’ve done a lot worse for my daughter. I mean daughters.

That's it. Oh baby, Melissa. You do know how to kiss some ass.

That’s it. Oh baby, Melissa. You do know how to kiss some ass.

I just want to cut myself like Madi does.

I just want to cut myself like Madi does.

Anyway, we get to the competition and I’m sure cooler heads will prevail and the Gone Too Soon dance will probably be as appropriate as Chloe’s hip-hop number. What can go wrong?

Abby oohs and ahhs over Madi’s tap costume and pays no attention to anyone else. The moms are all keeping fairly quiet, but the tension is as thick as Abby’s cankles after a night of BBQ binging.

Mackenzie’s costume is fking ridiculous. Abby says she can’t play the cute card any more, but then dresses her up like Kazoo from the Flintstones. Her dance is the same as always. She’s good, it gets boring. She needs someone to whore her up like Asia, but seeing as her mom doesn’t know she exists, I’ll assume she doesn’t have a shot.

Madi’s tap dance is amazing. It’s cute. Her expressions are spot on. And when she has a wardrobe malfunction (apron slip), she dances on like a pro. We are reminded of the falling headband circa 2010 and all sadly remember Chloe dancing in the dark and getting reamed for it. But here’s my take on tap. I’m sure it’s really hard… but give me a box of wine and some tap shoes, and I’m fairly certain I can entertain a crowd too.

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92 comments on “Dance Moms Recap: Gone Too Soon, But Never Soon Enough or Dead Girls Can Dance

  1. shantell says:

    NO really who was nia was surpose to be because I was really lost?

  2. Madelyne27 says:

    Whitney Houston. The angel who died eating a turkey sandwich in her bathtub.

  3. debra says:

    I got a good laugh over there seeing you try to talk to twitbrain maddiefaninfinity :) He/she/it is a hopeless nutjob and will be spamming that place all night trying to get you to “see reason”. Too funny! :)

  4. lovetocrochet84 says:

    Looks like there may be one. Sorry. You guys are funny!!!!!

  5. lovetocrochet84 says:

    Did you see the little Pam sermon??

    “Like I said earlier…people should be smarter than to cheer on a team just because that team opposes the team you despise That’s the definition of immaturity. And I checked…that site is despicable. And the way they are behaving on here is no more mature than those they have come to call on. “

  6. aprildonut says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG madelyne hahaahaha i just spit my Tim’s all over my desk reading that! hahahaah aI love it!

  7. jaymie Frederick says:

    Cuz she knows her shit? LOL!

  8. Pandora Spocks says:

    OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS BLOG IS HILARIOUS. I want to write it a sonnet, and cut it out in little stars; So that all the world will be in love with night, and pay no worship to the garish sun ;) TOO BRILLIANT AND FUNNY!

  9. merry says:

    Love the funny captions, but usually don’t comment, instead just weep for those poor girls who have to deal with being the center of all this stupidity.

    But the “Gone Too Soon” dance somehow just grossed me out. There’s something inappropriate about a bunch of little girls portraying “stars” (level of talent may vary) who almost all devolved into some degree of sad hot mess before suffering tragic, violent, mostly drug-related deaths. Who’s next on Jabby-the-Hutt’s list to honor through dance? Tatum O’Neal, incest accusations and all? Poor, lovely Sharon Tate? I wouldn’t put it past Jabby and her poor taste.

    (PS Madelyne: Selena was a very talented, seemingly very sweet Latina pop star stalked and murdered by the president of her fan club. It was a shame, since she was only in her twenties, I believe, and likely would have gone far. There was a movie made about her starring a very young J-Lo.)

  10. I loved Selena so much. That was just so sad and incomprehensible that that deranged lady murdered her. It was so senseless, and so tragic; Selena had been so extraordinarily kind to her always. :’(

  11. Niaeem says:

    Selena is not forgettable just saying

  12. Naomi says:

    It’s MADDIE, not MADI

Have your say!