Dance Moms Recap: Gone Too Soon, But Never Soon Enough or Dead Girls Can Dance

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then this recap is like 140,000 words long… but without all the words.

But thankfully we’re back in the studio and Abby only has to pimp out Dance Dance Revolution one time. She berates the girls that didn’t come out to LA to visit her and starts in with the pyramid.

Bottom

  • Brooke, because she was working on her album with Melissa Gorga
  • Paige, because she’s related to Brooke
  • Kendell, because, well, why not.
  • Nia, same reason as Kendell.

Middle

  • Mackenzie
  • Chloe
  • Asia

Top

  • Madi… I swear every time I see her ugly little smug face I was to smash her into a pillow and make her gums bleed from her braces.
Isn't it nice to see the gang back together?

Isn’t it nice to see the gang back together?

Sorry, sweetie... I'm sure the music thing will work out for you.

Sorry, sweetie… I’m sure the music thing will work out for you.

I was taking privates, why am I down here?

I was taking privates, why am I down here?

Sometimes I feel that Abby hates my kids because of her disgust for me.

Sometimes I feel that Abby hates my kids because of her disgust for me.

I'm glad we figured that out.

I’m glad we figured that out.

Kendell. Speak.

Kendell. Speak.

I just want everyone to get along.

I just want everyone to get along.

I don't give two shts if we get along.

I don’t give two shts if we get along.

That's my girl.

That’s my girl.

At least I'm in the second row.

At least I’m in the second row.

They tell me Mackenzie is my daughter, but I have no proof.

They tell me Mackenzie is my daughter, but I have no proof.

I've learned not to get too excited.

I’ve learned not to get too excited.

I've learned not to get too excited, too.

I’ve learned not to get too excited, too.

Well, except this one time.

Well, except this one time.

I'm #1 again. I think I am supposed to smile.

I’m #1 again. I think I am supposed to smile.

I wore purple so I could be like my only child.

I wore purple so I could be like my only child.

Does she know she has two kids?

Does she know she has two kids?

Mom? Remember me?

Mom? Remember me?

I wish we had been twins so I could have eaten her in the womb.

I wish we had been twins so I could have eaten her in the womb.

This week Mackenzie has a solo, but won’t be performing with the group. Madi has a tap solo and Chloe has a hip-hop solo. Yippee… Madi is an expert at tap and Chloe is a gawky, white kid with no hip-hop training. Let’s say it together… “SHE’S BEING SET UP TO FAIL.”

The group dance is called Gone Too Soon. It’s about stars that were “gone to soon”. I’ll be hitting on the irony here VERY soon. Madi will be Princess Die (do not correct me), Chloe is Marilynn Monroe, Paige is Anna Nicole Smith, Kendell is Selena (not Gomez),  Brooke will be Amy Winehouse, and Nia will be Trayvon Martin… or Whitney Houston. Abby will be James Gandolfini.

Nia, this is what Whitney looked like before she died.

Nia, this is what Whitney looked like before she died. Don’t be so excited.

This is what her bathroom looked like.

This is what her bathroom looked like.

And, no lie, there was a gravy boat floating in the bathtub with her.

And, no lie, there was a gravy boat floating in the bathtub with her.

Brooke, yeah... so I can see it.

Brooke, yeah… so I can see it.

I like to think this will be Madi...

I like to think this will be Madi…

Unless Prince Charles was Princess Die's married boss at some point.

Unless Prince Charles was Princess Die’s married boss at some point.

Paige, meet Anna Nicole Smith.

Paige, meet Anna Nicole Smith.

Chloe, don't let this be you.

Chloe, don’t let this be you.

But Marilynn was as insane (and high) as Amanda Bynes.

But Marilynn was as insane (and high) as Amanda Bynes.

Kendell, this is your Serena. She's very forgettable.

Kendell, this is your Serena. She’s very forgettable.

That's why I wish you had been Michael.

That’s why I wish you had been Michael.

Worst. Gravestone. Ever.

Worst. Gravestone. Ever.

Mackenzie, this could have been you. You were robbed.

Mackenzie, this could have been you. You were robbed.

Okay, so a lot of things happened in the mom’s booth. Mostly we find out that they had all agreed they wouldn’t go to LA over the break, but Melissa went behind their backs and did it anyway and everyone is pissed. Christi says that’s just the way Melissa rolls because she doesn’t follow the rules of society. She goes on to point out that she slept with her married boss while she was married. Melissa counters that she didn’t sleep with her boss, but that she did marry him. She glosses over the fact that they were both married when they met, and storms out. I’m assuming she is heading to her attorney’s office to have some papers drawn up.

Madi tap, tap, taps her way into Abby’s heart while Chloe has to work with Peyton on her hip-hip routine. It is the opposite of hip-hop. Mackenzie made the fatal mistake of playing at recess and can barely walk on her hands for 20 minutes and do 14 flips. Melissa tells Abby that the moms are ganging up on her and Abby says that she can watch the rehearsals from the comfort of her butt.

The ladies go out for expensive drinks and Jill forgets to invite Melissa. But it’s all in good fun.

Just admit you slept with your married boss.

Just admit you slept with your married boss.

She doesn't get it, he's MY husband.

She doesn’t get it, he’s MY husband.

But he wasn't YOUR husband at the time.

But he wasn’t YOUR husband at the time.

So do you understand why we hate you?

So do you understand why we hate you?

Melissa, come down here. I have an ass that needs kissing.

Melissa, come down here. I have an ass that needs kissing.

I've done a lot worse for my daughter. I mean daughters.

I’ve done a lot worse for my daughter. I mean daughters.

That's it. Oh baby, Melissa. You do know how to kiss some ass.

That’s it. Oh baby, Melissa. You do know how to kiss some ass.

I just want to cut myself like Madi does.

I just want to cut myself like Madi does.

Anyway, we get to the competition and I’m sure cooler heads will prevail and the Gone Too Soon dance will probably be as appropriate as Chloe’s hip-hop number. What can go wrong?

Abby oohs and ahhs over Madi’s tap costume and pays no attention to anyone else. The moms are all keeping fairly quiet, but the tension is as thick as Abby’s cankles after a night of BBQ binging.

Mackenzie’s costume is fking ridiculous. Abby says she can’t play the cute card any more, but then dresses her up like Kazoo from the Flintstones. Her dance is the same as always. She’s good, it gets boring. She needs someone to whore her up like Asia, but seeing as her mom doesn’t know she exists, I’ll assume she doesn’t have a shot.

Madi’s tap dance is amazing. It’s cute. Her expressions are spot on. And when she has a wardrobe malfunction (apron slip), she dances on like a pro. We are reminded of the falling headband circa 2010 and all sadly remember Chloe dancing in the dark and getting reamed for it. But here’s my take on tap. I’m sure it’s really hard… but give me a box of wine and some tap shoes, and I’m fairly certain I can entertain a crowd too.

Up next is Chloe, and thanks to Lifetime’s HEAVY EDITING, you would have thought there were crickets chirping in the crowd. It was awkward. I cringed. I wanted to laugh. It was just so many levels of Chloe dancing in beef jerky again. That kid has some balls. But she looked pretty. She even wore a hoodie (in honor of Trayvon, I assume).

Group dance… We have the dead stars that were gone too soon. And they’re all in white. Which I assume is to lead me to believe that they are all angels. And while I’d love to think that heaven has some looser morals than I imagine, I struggle believing that Whitney Houston, Anna Nicole, Amy Winehouse, and Marilynn Monroe are quite worthy of my heaven. I don’t know anything bad about Princess Die (except her hair styles) and Selena doesn’t even register. I know she was stalked. Before there was Facebook. So that was a dedicated stalker. I would never have stalked pre-Facebook and Spokeo… way too much work. I guess the dance is good, but Madi had to be such a show hog with her princess wave that I didn’t even see Selena until it was over.

Oh Madi, when you die I want to stuff you like Broadway Baby.

Oh Madi, when you die I want to stuff you like Broadway Baby.

Why doesn't she want to stuff me?

Why doesn’t she want to stuff me?

I'm about to stuff myself with Adderall.

I’m about to stuff myself with Adderall.

Does this costume make me look more mature?

Does this costume make me look more mature?

I didn't even get a costume. I wore this on the bus.

I didn’t even get a costume. I wore this on the bus.

Jazz hands are for babies.

Jazz hands are for babies.

I wonder if that little girl is related to Madi.

I wonder if that little girl is related to Madi.

I am the best.

I am the best.

The world loves me.

The world loves me.

I can dance when my costume fails.

I can dance when my costume fails.

Oh Chloe. I'm sorry.

Oh Chloe. I’m sorry.

Our Madi is an angel.

Our Madi is an angel.

Here we go.

Here we go.

It helps to be drunk.

It helps to be drunk.

Not sure what this move is called. The Slip and Fall?

Not sure what this move is called. The Slip and Fall?

Oh sht.

Oh sht.

Pay attention!

Pay attention!

I know, sweetie. I know.

I know, sweetie. I know.

How did I do?

How did I do?

Well, you weren't AWFUL.

Well, you weren’t AWFUL.

She was pretty awful.

She was pretty awful.

She was rather terrible.

She was rather terrible.

Why are we talking about Madi?

Why aren’t we talking about Madi?

Oh look, middle-aged people that are dead.

Oh look, middle-aged people that are dead.

How did Amy Winehouse get into heaven?

How did Amy Winehouse get into heaven?

Marilynn, you were as big of a whore as Melissa. Well played.

Marilynn, you were as big of a whore as Melissa. Well played.

Hey Princess Die, how about not spreading your legs for the world to see?

Hey Princess Die, how about not spreading your legs for the world to see?

Whitney, crack whores everywhere are so proud! Selena, I don't remember you.

Whitney, crack whores everywhere are so proud! Selena, I don’t remember you.

Fking STAGE HOG!!!

Fking STAGE HOG!!! Die! Oh… you did.

Awards. Mackenzie gets first place (or second, I can’t remember). No one cares. Chloe gets fourth place. She’s lucky. Madi gets SECOND. Hahahahaha. Abby starts to melt, and it’s into an impressive puddle. Girls Gone Wild get first place. Back in the dressing room, Chloe is all “woo-hoo” but tells her mom that Madi was crying. Melissa screams that Madi is fine, just fine. And she’s not crying. Cut to Madi running out into the stairwell. Abby has nothing nice to say to anyone, but she pulls Madi in for a warm and creepy embrace.

Madi's lost it. She's purging and cutting at the same time.

Madi’s lost it. She’s purging and cutting at the same time.

MY MADI DOESN'T PURGE WITHOUT ME. EVER.

MY MADI DOESN’T PURGE WITHOUT ME. EVER.

Simmer down. You guys have all night to purge.

Simmer down. You guys have all night to purge.

I will not be fatter than my Madi.

I will not be fatter than my Madi.

Did you vomit without me?

Did you vomit without me?

Yes, mommy. I did. But it's only because I don't have the ability to feel love.

Yes, mommy. I did. But it’s only because I don’t have the ability to feel love.

Even now, I'm just thinking about killing you all.

Even now, I’m just thinking about killing you all.

I know I missed some funny lines, but I watched the episode and then have been watching a friend’s two-year old, so I forgot many things. Including how to put on pants. Anyway… it was a good episode. The Abby-Madi creep factor is rising and I think Melissa is on the verge of losing it completely. I’ve decided that I like Jill a lot more and I think Kendell is probably really sweet. She always hugs everyone. Usually I hate peacekeepers, but for some reason I think she has a good attitude.

Forgive my lateness. Or don’t. It’s really not important.

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