Couples Therapy Recap: Flavor Flav Defies Gravity
Hola Trashies! Can you believe I’ve deleted this twice?! TWICE! I’m officially technology challenged. OR this show has turned my brain into mush. Or all the wine I’m drinking to get through it is. Either way, this recap is TAKING FOREVER, and there’s a new episode for me to get to so let’s DO THIS! And not delete it.
We pick up where we left off with a giddy Joe Francis homoerotically giddy over the gay porn of Dustin. I stand by my beliefs that Joe KNEW ahead of time about Dustin’s past and that the producers told him about it. Because it honestly seems so “fishy” to me that he would do a web seach as a prank. Anyway, he goes to find Flav to participate in his homophobic giddy. Flav is frying chicken and is all like, “F Stereotypes, who doesn’t love chicken?!” Agreed, Flav. Chicken is delicious. Seriously though, that fried chicken looks nummy.
Just to add an extra level of creepy to the situation, because let’s be honest here – Joe’s Creepy Thermometer is broken – he’s taping Flav’s reaction to the gay porn.
Ha ha! Just watching gay porn, like two straight dudes totally do! Isn’t my boner hilarious?!! Ha ha!
Flav is shocked and is also glad he participated in the viewing of the gay porn and says that he will gladly “burn my chicken up for this shit!” Okey dokey Flav. Priorities, my friend. Priorities.
At this point, nobody else is participating in the “Shame Dustin” movement that Joe is trying to film and sell on the internet, as you do. Instead they’ve all fled the room and are avoiding him like the plague. Because they might all be decent human beings. Ahem.
Dr. J meets with Dustin and Heather and voiceovers that she hopes that Dustin’s ponorgraphic past doesn’t become a distraction in the house. Please lady, this show is COUNTING on it being a distraction and frankly both Flav and Joe are thankful for it, because it takes the spotlight off their own awfulness. (Okay, so Flav is awful by association with Liz, but still. AWFUL).
Dr. J’s session with Heather and Dustin is interesting and we get to see what a weird ass character Dustin is. I didn’t watch Real World, I only read about it on these recaps, so I am not familiar with him. I can only tell you that he shows up without shoes and speaks in a weird whispery David Beckham voice.
They reveal to Dr. J that they come from different backgrounds. She had a normal healthy childhood and his was filled with abandonment and uncertainty. He reveals that when he was offered the opportunity to join the FratPad porn house, it became a sort of family for him and that he felthe belonged somewhere. Wow. That’s incredibly sad. He also identifies as straight and downplays the sexual aspect of the Fratpad as just “oral,” so it wasn’t a big deal.
Dr. J tells him she sees he has an ability to disconnect from uncomfortable things, and that typically comes from trauma. He blankly stares at her and nods while Heather tells us that Dustin is so disconnected from the things from his past he can’t even remember what really happened to him. He has built up a false experience to help him cope. Kiddies, that is fucked.up.
Dr. J thanks them for their time and then interviews and tells us that, “As you can imagine, I can’t always reveal what is shared in my therapy sessions for various reasons. But what I can tell you is that Dustin’s childhood trauma very clearly left him feeling vulnerable to being lured into pornography. The important thing is that he connects with his traum and his emotions, because if he doesn’t there will always be a wall between him and Heather.”
Wow. This kind of reminds me of Tiny and JoJo, in that JoJo was battling some real demons and if he didnt confront it, he would take Tiny out with him. Kind of happening here, because how can Dustin and Heather have a functional relationship when he can’t function emotionally on a normal level? That’s some real shit, not some fake reality show crap. That’s real. And heart achingly sad.
Sidebar: Okay, so apparently Dustin was arrested this past weekend for imeprsonating Andy Dick and allegedly inappropriately touching a girl at a bar after last call. You can see the from the security camera screengrab that he used his foot to look up her skirt. It’s weird, and stupid and he’s a drunk idiot. But he didnt help matters when he got into it with the PoPo. Furthermore, you’ll notice that his girlfriend Heather is nowhere in this story. Interesting. Also, in the last recap one of our awesome Trashies linked to a story about this. Do not click on that link unless you want to Dustin’s full on dong pics. Which are impressive, but I wasn’t expecting it. I love surprises! Huffington Post has the story without the dick pics.
So our next segment is great, because here is where Dr. J gets her Yosemite Sam on. It’s group therapy time and during Heather and Dustin’s first group session she calls on everyone to call each other on their “shit.” During this segment she says “shit” no fewer than 8 times, and drops the F bomb six times. She’s on a roll! Her fellow therapist doesn’t curse, but he does this weird smoldering look that I think he wants to make him look like he’s “serious” but just ends up looking like Joey on Friends doing his “I smelled a fart” acting technique.
(sniff, sniff) Who ate broccolli?
The first one to bite at this opportunity is Chingy in his Fresh Prince of Bel Aire hat. He tells Joe that he thinks tha the can be a little controlling. Tyler agrees and brings up Joe’s behavior at the ropes course. Not the part where he was flinging Abbey around until she busted her head and then he blamed it on her. Nope, Tyler brings up the part where he was berating her on the climbing wall.
Chingy reprimands Joe, but he gets pass because nobody takes him seriously in this hat
Where’d you get that hat Chingy?
Joe, never being able to admit a single flaw, just laughs and laughs and says, “yeah but that’s our dynamic!”
Tyler says, “You’re laughing but it wasn’t funny for her.”
Joe: See, she’s loving every minute of my treating her like shit!
Abbey: Yeah, not so much
Dr. J tells Joe that that he is so used to doing what he wants that he doesn’t even know the dynamic of the relationship.
Abbey actually speaks up for her self and tells Joe that during the rock climb, she felt that Joe was barking orders at her. But when he started to encourage her and treated her differently, she felt like they were a team and were able to move forward together.
Chingy, the truth telling funky hat wearer, then tells Abbey that he can see her looking for Joe’s approval even NOW, that the whole time she was speaking up she was looking at Joe for his approval. So sad, and so true.
Joe, of course tries to explain it away by sayin gthat they look to each other for assurance, but the fart smelling therapist asks Abbey straight out if she looks to him for approval. She agrees that she does. Joe is now fuming angry and his face is frozen (more than usual). Abbey says that she needs to trust her own opinion about things, and to feel more like an independant woman.
You’re independent when I tell you to be, right Abbey? RIGHT ABBEY!!!!
Flav asks the group for their input on his situation and Joe, eager to deflect, goes straight for Liz. Chingy agrees with Joe that Liz’s behavior is upsetting and that Liz goes after Flav when he’s happy trying to bring him down. Then Tyler the truth teller agrees, and brings up the weird ass behavior at the bowling alley. He tells her she was immature and childish.
I have nothing funny to say, just that this is her singular expression.
Liz is just taking it, just giving them the usual Liz face. At this point, Joe makes it personal and his attack takes a particular nasty tone. He tells her that he doesn’t want to be a part of that “sideshow” and that her behavior reflects on him. He’s talking down to her, and even interviews that he sees Liz as “below” him. Ugh. He’s such an elitist prig.
At this point Flav has had enough and actually stands up for Liz, and I’m proud of him for it. Because yes, she’s horrible – but she’s “his.” He tells Joe he’s not gonna let him talk down to his girl.
Abbey backs up Joe, kind of, and says that her issue with Liz that night was that she kept trying to console Liz and all Liz wanted to do was say horrible nasty things about Flav.
Dr. J asks Liz what she thinks of all of this, and Liz kind of circle talks about how no one knows her life, that she’s lost herself and everybody asks where the old Liz is. Like, that does not explain why she feels compelled to crawl around Chuck E Cheese and drown herself in the ball pit of shame. (That’s her nickname for Flav’s private parts, btw).
When Dr. J asks Liz to explain she starts talking about how Flav took her life over, forced her to be with him, and then abandoned her. Basically, Flavor Flav ruined my life. Poor me.
Listen, I get it. You thought being with a rapper would be a dream, but it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Fine. Then leave him.
Flav gets super pissed and tells her she’s got it all wrong. When Dr. J tries to correct Flav so Liz can get a chance to speak, Flav shuts her down. He tells her, I understand that, but this is NATIONAL TELEVISION (Thank you Flav for acknowledging how absurd this is!) and he doesn’t want people to get the wrong idea about him. Should have thought about that before you brought your unhinged baby mama on TV, my friend.
When Dr. J tells him to let Liz express herself, he responds, “Yeah, but she’s expressing it wrong!”
I love that. It’s so telling, isn’t it?
Sigh, then he sweetly tells Liz that he just wants to make their life right, and that’s why they are there. What’s interesting is how Liz interacts this whole time. I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, she purposefully presses his buttons to get a reaction out of him. No doubt he ignores her most of the time, but like a child she has figured out that behaving badly he’ll at least interact with her. Once he got upset with her, the tears stopped. Did you all notice that? She got all calm and relaxed, while he was jumping out of his chair. What a twisted dynamic these two have, it’s extremely unhealthy. And I do believe the courts agree with me.
Portrait of a lovely couple
We end there, and the couples all file out of the room and for some ridiciulous reason Joe thinks he needs to rattle her cage some more. He confronts her in the living room and tells her that he doesnt like that she hurts Flav’s feelings. Now, we all just saw how this woman acts up when you don’t give her attention – so this is how you’re going to solve it?
It gets even stranger because she says “I hear you, but if you took Flav out of the equation you’d get a totally different Liz. Oh goodie! Can we meet that Liz? Anything is better than this Liz.
Release the Krakken!
Then she starts rambling about how the night of the bowling alley he knew she was upset and that she has a really low IQ, or did she say that Flav has a low IQ? I have no idea because I rewound this like four times and I can’t figure it out. Maybe I have the low IQ. Anyway, Joe asks if she’s calling Flav stupid, and then she responds, “Well maybe I think he’s stoopit.” (Seriously, that’s how she pronounces it – stoopit.)
This whole segmant is so frustrating because she makes no point at all, just kind of whines and walks around in circles complaining over God knows what, and holy hell Flav – leave her ass!
She starts to pack her bags, and Dr. J shows up as Liz fake cries and wipes away fake tears. She tells Dr. J that everyone is on Flav’s side and she didn’t come to therapy to be judged. Oh sweetie. Nobody there is judging you NEARLY as bad as the entire internet will. Trust.
Dr. J tells her that she needs to listen to everyone’s criticism because they’re right and I die laughing. Because as obnoxious as all her cursing is, at least she is direct with people.
SO Heather and Abbey are lounging by the pool and Abbey continues to move up in likeability points by just straight up asking Heather “so what’s the deal with your straight boyfriend doing gay porn?” Heather agrees that it’s pretty cool of Abbey to ask instead of just talking behind her back (which she has already done), but then they get interrupted by the counselor asking to meet with Abbey. Dammit! Finish that conversation!
And may I take a moment here to comment on Abbey’s ridiculous body? She looks amazing, if a bit on the skinny side. I hope she’s gotten some help with her eating disorder but this girl is seriously pretty. And very photogenic. Abbey girl, you’re too good for Joe. Seriously. Leave him!
Yeah, that’s a model. (sigh). Excuse me while I go eat a cookie.
So Dr. J and Abbey meet and have a little conversation without Joe constantly interrupting her and telling her what to say and how to think. And honestly, Abbey comes off like a very sweet, smart woman. Again – leave him!
This storyline has gone from Joe’s predestined “My girlfriend has an eating disorder” to “help Abbey find her voice/my boyfriend is a controlling jerk!” Joe no likey.
Here’s a transcription of their conversation:
So Abbey, why is Joe so bossy and doesn’t let you speak up for yourself?
Abbey: Well Doc, I used to speak up but Joe was verbally abused, so you know, that’s his “thing” now.
Doc: Not cool Abbey
Abbey: yeah, probably not.
Doc: So like, what is he afraid of?
Abbey: Nothing! He’s totally rich and handsome, those guys don’t have hangups.
Doc: Girlfriend, he’s afraid his PYT is gonna dip. You gotta tell him to shut hismouth when he’s all up in your grill, ya hear me?
Abbey: Yeah, I don’t think I can do that. He’s gonna leave my ass
Doc: Then he doesn’t love you does he?
Abbey: That hurts.
Doc: Are you afraid of pissing him off?
Doc: You need to be your own person
Abbey: He says he wants that, but he doesn’t.
Doc: Tell him
Abbey: Um, yeah but he’ll be pissed off. Are you even listening to me?
Abbey: This is crazy. Crazy awesome! Also, I’m terrified.
I think I left my voice over there somewhere.
Seriously though, you can tell that Abbey is totally controlled by Joe and feels completely helpess in this situation. He’s gonna be pissed OFF when he sees this footage when it airs. Yikes.
So afterwards Abbey tells us she enjoyed her conversation with Dr Jenn and then goes to have lunch with Joe. He immediately starts in on her, doesn’t ask her how it went or how she feels. He asks her this: “So how long did she harp on me?”
That’s right Joe. It’s all about you. Human Poo Stain, this guy. Ugh
She tells him that they didn’t talk about him long, it was mostly about her and her finding her voice. He tells her that he agrees she needs to fin dher voice, but that he will always dominate a conversation. “You don’t mind that.”
Followed by: “From a personal standpoint, you like that.”
Abbey deflects from directly confronting him by saying the following: “Ilike that you’re outgoing and all that, but I just need to find my voice more.”
He interrupts her and says, “I agree, I told you that. Since we first met.”
His face has gone hard here, and not just from the botox. He’s leaning back in his chair and definitely on the defense. He starts in on her, telling her that she needs to take his encouragement (orders) an duse them the right way (do what I tell you woman!). He also tells her to stop expecting him to do everything for her. He says that she always sees him as being there, and that he’s not only supportive but she just leans on him and falls on him.
I have no idea what he is trying to say, but I do know he is trying to be a mean, manipulative jerk and make Abbey feel bad for his faults. Again – Human Poo Stain.
He continues telling her that if she isn’t her own person, he can’t respect her and that “if you feel that I’m not lettin gyou have a voice it’s because you. . . ”
Abbey interrupts him here and tells him she feels like he is coming at her, and AMAZINGLY he shuts his pie hole. The human poo stain then interviews that he is all about her having a voice but not if she’s going to become a ball buster like his last girlfriends.
Guys, this idiot just needs a sex robot. He seriously does not see Abbey as a person at all. Any opinion she has, she can’t express it and if she does it’s the wrong one. He’s a horrible, horrible person. And it’s actually depressing the crap out of me. I’m out of wine, too. Okay, now I’m crying.
So for some reason Dr. J decides to bring in a psychic to “lighten the mood” a bit. For a second I think we’re on the Real Housewives because it seems to me that there’s a psychic reading or a personal psychic friend in every season. Anyway, this poor lady is brought in to do a reading and she immediately zones in on Temple. Apparently, there’s a gentleman who is in the military who wants to communicate with Temple from the other side and Temple just crumples into an emotional mess. Apparently her baby daddy was in the Navy and was killed last year. Holy crap! I’m not shocked so much about the psychic as I am that Temple is actually expressing an emotion. Impressive.
Dr. J is a little pissed she isn’t the one to get Temple to cry.
So, immediately after this little breakthrough, Flav starts asking the psychic odd questions, like “do you know a Dorothy or a Christine?” The psychic backs up a bit and is like, exqueeze me? Hee! I, like everyone else, think that Flav is trying to punk the psychic.
Am I being punked? I knew I should have gone on Bravo instead!
Ah, but we’re quickly proven wrong. Apparently, Flav believes himself to be blessed with the sight. He gives this weird rambling monologue about how he could see things as a child and had premonitions. Everyone is nervously giggling and laughing. As am I. Actually, everytime I watch t his segment, I watch it through my fingers because I am SO embarrassed for Flav. And that’s really saying something.
It’s not rude to laugh in his face, only behind his back. Carry on.
But the best part of his whole speech is where he starts talking about how he can levitate, and once he was at a party on drugs and alcohol and he floated down the side of a building. What the WHAT?! I think Flav is auditioning for a role or TV show here. I think I know what it is, too.
I am totally going to see this show.
The entire group is cracking up, or at least trying not to crack up. Flav says that he knows he sounds crazy, and that’s fine by him. He interviews that he CAN make himself float and that his boy Criss Angel understands him, and that’s why he’s a good friend. Because he levitates.
Only this kitty cat Criss Angel understands me, because he floats.
You guys I don’t even know what to say about all that, except that Flavor Flav may be brain damaged. And it was friggin hilarious. I cannot stop rewinding it and rewatching it. Through my fingers of course. It’s like watching a Ben Stiller film, I’m laughing but embarrassed and horrified all at once.
So late that night, Liz gets up out of bed and we get to watch her in nightvision wake up Flav and inform him at 2 am that she is leaving. He asks her, “Why are you doing this to me?” Her response? “You wouldn’t stay up and talk to me.” The hell? Apparently because he fell asleep, she needs to leave his ass. Wow.
He completely loses it, calls her stupid repeatedly (I honestly cannot argue with him here, she’s being ridiculous) as she starts packing her things. AGAIN. He tells her to leave but that when he gets home, he never wants to see her again.
Probably a good idea.
We end the episode with the two of them arguing in front of the house and Liz making a Liz face. Ugh. These two need to just shut up and break up already. Can you imagine what their son has to witness? Horrible.
You guys, what did you think? I stand by my assertion that Joe Francis is a human poo stain and that he and Abbey are unhealthy together. Also, Flavor Flav and Liz are horrible together. The other couples we barely got to see anything about, but there’s more next episode. I’ll have that full recap up tomorrow kiddies! In the meantime, let’s discuss in the comments!