The Bachelorette Recap: Such a Sweet Sweet Fantasy, Baby

Greetings, Trashies! Can you feel it? We’re in the home stretch of the most boring and predictable season of The Bachelorette ever! It’s down to the final three: Chris, the farmer from rural Iowa who can offer Andi the opportunity to be a homemaker; Nick, the one getting this season’s villain edit; and Josh, the guy that Andi will most likely choose. It’s time for the Fantasy Suite dates which means that our cast gets to finally have sex after weeks and weeks of making out and dry humping. So, let’s get right to it, shall we? (The episode, not the dry humping.)

We arrive with Andi to her hotel in the Dominican Republic. Unfortunately, this is just an “amazing place to fall in love.” It’s not perfect like the other places. There are a few shots of Andi writing in her journal and talking to us about the remaining men.

So I can bone josh
“Dear Diary, I just want this show to be over so I can fuck Josh already!”

I’m calling bullshit on Andi’s claim that Josh has a personality that every woman would be attracted to. If I had to spend five minutes in the presence of Josh, I’d probably have to be extremely drunk or I’d end up jumping off a building to get away. Seriously, the man has “douchebag” written all over him. Andi then changes the subject to Chris. She says that he’s always a lot of fun. Yeah, he’s a lot of fun because the producers set up over-the-top dates. When it comes to Nick, well, Andi still believes that he was really skeptical about the entire process. No one comes on this show if they don’t want to, Andi. You of all people should know that.

It’s time for the dates! Nick is up first. For some reason, Andi wants to talk about all of his breakups and why he had a hard time with them. Once again, how the hell is that an appropriate conversation for a date? Anyway, they get into a helicopter (DRINK!) and Nick tells us that he wants to tell Andi that he loves her. They fly around for a while over the cheesiest seascape I’ve ever seen.

I’m willing to bet ABC did this with Photoshop.

Andi and Nick land on a private island where they will be spending the day. Nothing really exciting happens. There’s some swimming and heavy petting for a while. Then Andi finally brings up his last breakup. I don’t know why Andi is making such a big deal about this. I would never say to a boyfriend, “My last breakup was awful! I completely fell apart for months. I never thought I’d leave the house again.” That’s not something anyone would need to know. If for some reason past relationships were ever brought up (I really don’t think they need to be unless there are kids or something involved), I’d probably just say, “It didn’t work out. It hurt for a while, but I moved on. That’s how breakups work.” I need another drink.

Andi starts to pry and Nick just talks about it all pretty rationally. Somehow he turns this into telling Andi that she’s his “other half.” He uses the world “like” as a comma throughout this whole exchange. I kind of want to punch him in the face for that. Then he chickens out of telling Andi that he loves her. Then they just go snorkeling.

With that, it’s time for the nighttime portion of the date. It’s just dinner on the beach. Nothing exciting because this season has a budget of $6. Nick describes himself as having “a childlike sense of wonder.” Who the fuck says that? Oh, they he wrote her a fairy tale (DRINK!) about Princess Andi. It’s the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Oh, and it’s illustrated.

Apparently Nick sees himself as Bobby Hill.

Why the hell is Andi so impressed with this? The story involves the phrase “magical love flower.” If any man ever does this for me, I will dump him immediately. I will especially dump him if the only adjective he knows is “magical.” Obviously, this works on Andi, because she offers the key to the Magical Bone Room Fantasy Suite. Nick says that he’s excited to talk to Andi all night. No one is going to talk in these things. Well, except maybe Sean, but he was a born-again virgin. Anyway, Nick finally tells Andi that he loves her and I just don’t care right now. They go into the room, close the door, the lights go out, and we all know what happens.

The next day, Josh gets sloppy seconds! He and Andi are in Santo Domingo to, wait for it, walk around town! At some point, Josh takes an aphrodisiac from a street vendor (to prepare fo the evening – he’s gotta be better than Nick). After that, they dance before Andi has a bit of a surprise.

I’m sure you never saw this one coming.

After the game, Josh and Andi sit down with a drink and talk about his family. It’s everything you saw last week/read in last week’s recap. Josh throws out the unbelievably romantic “I feel stuff with you.” I guess that means he loves her. I become more and more angry at the way that no one on this show knows how to properly use “and I” and “and me.” It’s “I” for the subject and “me” for the object. Did they not pay attention in second grade English class?

OK, dinner time. Andi is worried that Josh is happy all the time and never takes things seriously. If anything, I think Josh takes himself entirely too seriously. Also, you can be both happy and serious at the same time. Josh was worried that he would go home the first night despite everyone on the planet knowing that he’d probably be the last man standing…or, you know, kneeling, I guess.  Anyway, they talk about what type of parents they’d be and Josh tells Andi he loves her and says, “The next person I say ‘I love you’ to is the person I want to marry.” So, basically, that’s not Andi. Josh is kind of stupid. Did he get hit in the head with a baseball today? And it wouldn’t be a Josh and Andi date without a stupid argument. Andi brings up that whole bullshit “you’re happy but are you serious about me” thing. That ends quickly because they want to go have sex. The Fantasy Suite date card arrives and Josh isn’t an idiot so he accepts.

 And Chris is the last one on the overnight dates. I guess they’re really trying to play up this whole “farmer” thing. We get a few shots of cows before Chris and Andi meet for the day. Andi tells us that she’s not sure if her feelings for Chris are where they need to be in order for her to spend a night with him. In other words, Chris is going home right on schedule. He doesn’t now this as he arrives because he’s talking about how much he loves her and how they have something special.

Since they spent time at the racetrack and a farm, they’ll be horseback riding today! Of course, Andi freaks the fuck out the moment she’s on the horse.

freaks out
Chris will not be getting this view of Andi later.

After the horseback riding, there’s just a picnic and more talking about Chris’ family. Andi thinks they’re the best family she’s ever met. It’s nice of Andi to help Chris get the ladies excited for when he’s the Bachelor. We all know where this is headed, right? That much is obvious. Then they play Ghost in the Graveyard again. That game doesn’t really work in daylight.

We jump to the nighttime portion of the date. They talk about Iowa again. Andi really seems to be trying to convince herself that it’s a great place to live. Chris is trying even harder to convince her. As the conversation goes on, Andi flat out admits that she doesn’t think Chris is the guy for her. Chris just starts babbling trying to save the entire night. It’s just not going to work. Andi is wearing the same face she had on when she sent Cody home. I’ll give Andi some respect for telling the truth when she could have just said, “I don’t want to live in Iowa.” She just told Chris that she doesn’t see herself with him.

And that’s the end of that. Chris takes it with dignity. Well, I think it’s dignity. It’s just his usual lack of expression.

audition completeAudition complete.

Chris is gone, and that means we’re about to see one of those, “Are you sure you really want to be here?” rose ceremonies. Before that, Andi sits down with Chris Harrison. During their conversation, the Dominican Republic gets downgraded to “not a bad place to fall in love.” Well, at least Connecticut can say it’s the perfect place. They really just recap the last few days. You know, what we literally just watched.

Andi goes into the rose ceremony to explain to Josh and Nick why Chris is gone. The roses are given out and we’re done. So, yeah, that’s it. What do you think, Trashies? Was Chris the right choice for next’s season Bachelor to go home? Who do you think will be her final choice? Sound off in the comments below! I have my own computer back finally (I was using a friend’s for a bit), so I’ll be able to be more active in the discussion.

Until next time, Trashies!

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