RHONY Recap: There’s something about finally ending this show so we can get on with watching other Bravo shows!

Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you!

ARE WE THERE YET?

I’m longing for the finale next week when Aviva’s leg is left on the floor. A.K.A. where the editors should have left most of this season – on the cutting room floor! BURN!

I am the biggest Housewives fan (other than you) but this season has almost made me wish for the days of Alex McCord. Maybe I’m just comparing this show to the seemingly endless array of sparkly disfunction Miss Andy is throwing at us? Or Maybe I’m just an entitled white woman having a bad case of #firstworldproblems?

Speaking of first word problems..let’s get to the QUEENS of FWP land. Oh crap! Aviva is back in the opening title sequence – that doesn’t bode well for us.

We open with Heather (the B-O-S-S) planning Carole’s 50th “Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil” themed birthday party (with some people that are not the B-O-S-S). Kudos to Carole for choosing a cool-ass theme for her birthday and for having the great genes to not look close to 50!

One of Carole’s assistants (I thought Carole told us she had only one!) reads an email a DOCUMENT of some of Carole’s conditions for her birthday party:

1000 white lights.

Spanish Moss on all the tables.

500o white rose petals.

Butterflies in a cage.

Move the chandeliers from Carole’s apartment to the venue.

(Heather gets Carole on the phone -Carole is in London promoting her book-to clarify the vision for this party).

Carole adds to the list of her demands.

ADDITIONAL DEMANDS:

Polished red apples for the centerpieces.

Headless Mannequins.

Man walking an invisible dog.

Snake Handler.

A Psychic.

Fog Machine.

A Harvest Moon to be hung in Trees.

Antique Lace to adorn the doors.

Pistols.

THIS. IS. NOT. A. BIT!

This is the part where the party planner in me screams “Bitch, Puh-leeze!” If Carole wants an over the top party then she most certainly should hire a professional party planner and not burden her BFF (and two assistants) with such a bear of an undertaking. Where’s David Tutera when you need him?

 

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I’m sure Heather is envisioning a headless Carole right about now.

 

Let’s segue (on our segway’s) across town to Sonja, Dubin and not-Millou at a pet store.

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“Even though you’re not Millou, I’ll take you shopping” thought Dubin.

Harry and Sonja are playing with a little puppy in the store and I’m beginning to get really nervous (stop reading here if you don’t like rants) because they’re talking about getting a dog together. I’m having a really bad negative knee jerk reaction because I’m such a dog lover and I think Pet stores that sell pets are beyond cruel and archaic.  Even Heather “Morticia” Dubrow knows that buying a dog is wrong and so she gives guilt money to a rescue and OMFG…noooooooo..Sonja places an order for a dog. FUCK OFF, SONJA! You can’t even afford hot water and you’re going to buy a dog with Dubin so you can play house? Seriously, FUCK OFF. It’s not charming and cute – it’s annoying. I feel sorry for that poor dog that’s going to be neglected by you.  I just googled this piece of shit store that sells dogs from a puppy mill  breeders and it got one and a half stars on Yelp. Good. Next time you want a dog go to a local shelter or Petfinder.com you fucking moron.

Rant over. FF.

The Bickersons are at Marriage counseling. Apparently, it’s “Wear what’s wrong with your relationship” day.

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Love Me Tender and Eboost!

The offices (as Kristen points out) look like a very slick law office. I’m having trouble concentrating on this scene because the therapist is reminding me of someone…but who?!? Pardon me while I consult my reality show rolodex in my noggin. Got it.

Bachelor Bob! Does anyone think they could be bros?

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My Mind is filled with completely useless thoughts and images just like these. Le sigh.

Anyhoo, the therapist is competent and Kristen and Douchenozzle seem to make real (and very surprising) progress. On the road to fixing their marital woes? Well see. Shannon Beador and I need this therapists phone number on speed dial.

Moving on.  Ramona’s mini-me is packing for college. Sweet bejeebus, hasn’t she left already?!? Poor Avery is stressing since she has waaay too many shoes to pack… #firstworldproblems

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“I just want to close my eyes and for it to be done.” Me too, Avery. Me too.

Screen Shot 2014-07-16 at 8.02.25 AMWhat will happen dear reader?!?! Will Avery be able to take all of her shoes to college or will she only be able to take a couple of pairs?! A flying fuck I give not.

giphy

I’m not going to recap any more ‘Avery going to college’ shit other than to say Ramona cries in this episode like someone has died and Avery has to comfort her mom. Way to be the mother, Ramona!

Jumping from the annoying frying pan into the asshole fire, Aviva is at Ye Olde Prosthetic shoppe helping a Boston Bombing survivor choose a leg. Or something like that. The problem with Aviva is that since she has been such a crazy, lying bitch all season (and a great deal of last season too) I don’t believe she’s capable of any good deeds. Aviva could throw herself in front of a speeding bullet to save someone’s life and I would believe it was for good PR – or her bullet collection.

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Dear Avery- try packing these for College.

Aviva says “being with Heather (Heather, the Boston Bombing survivor, not Heather Bossy pants) reminds me of what’s important in life, and what’s not important and how petty my so-called friends really are behaving right now.” You know what’s petty, Aviva? You showing us how selfless you are by helping out a Boston Bombing survivor and saying you’re not petty. Petty!

Next scene: Sonja meets with her “Christian Mystic” for some spiritual guidance. I’ve heard of a mystic before but never a Christian flavored one. Has anyone heard of one of these CM’s before?

The Christian Mystic reads Sonja’s tarot cards. Ha. It’s shocking to me that Sonja’s broke. Sonja, I could give you some life coaching (while giving you a homemade Oatmeal scrub).  Stop paying so many charlatans, so often. There. I’ll email you my invoice for 10,000 dollars.

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 This is Sonja’s Christian Mystic. I’m Sonja’s relapsed Christian recapper.

Sonja’s CM says the usual nonsense: hew money will increase, she’ll fall in love and drama around her home will be “balanced.” He ends their session by telling her she has a devil-brunette friend in her inner circle. Sonja starts guessing which one of her friends it is. “Is it Carole?” No. Sonja using her Holmesian deductive reasoning skills, realizes that the devil is….drum roll.. Countess Lu. +FORESHADOWING ALERT+

We get to the day of the party. Heather is running around like one of the other Heather’s (from the OC) servants. I’ll give Heather a gold star “Holla” for having the good sense to hire a party planner to help her pull of this massive undertaking.

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 Smart Move Boss Lady = hiring a BOSS.

Heather shows up to see how the party set up is progressing and starts to eat one of the shiny, red apples.

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 Too bad there were no sugar cubes on the menu. WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO EASY, CAROL?!?!

While Carole is chomping on the apple, a gaggle of extras from Kill Bill show up:

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 Tarantino is suddenly getting turned on somewhere

It turns out these women are there to give Carole a manicure. I don’t know why it takes 5 women to give a manicure.  After watching these episodes, I always feel a little whackadoo, Shannon Beador-ish.

As Carole and Heather discuss the evening’s guest list, Heather slips up and tells Carole Aviva is attending. Carole reminds Heather that she didn’t invite Aviva, but “I’ll invite her to my next party. Midnight in the garden of evil and evil-the sequel!” I love Carole’s salty sense of humor!

The venue is finally all set up and it looks GORGEOUS! It’s a wonderful party idea that ends up being well executed. Bravo and Brava! My screen grabs don’t do the party justice, so I’m leaving you with some virtual tours of the restaurant, Barbetta.

http://tours.digispin.com/?sid=58066&tid=25684

During the party Mario asks Countess Lu where “Jawkes” is. Lu, holding back tears. tells Mario “we’re taking a break and I’m really upset about it.”  Argh, I LOVE Countess Lu this season and I actually get a little misty watching her go through real, non-Countess emotions. Dang it.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the party (and emotional spectrum) Sonja flirts with Dubin: “I need to see you’re going to be a partner in our relationship and you’re serious.” Countess sees that Sonja and Dubin are talking and also notices that Dubin is staring at her. The Countess waves “Hi” to Dubin. Dubin drools over Lu while Sonja is giving her serious relationship speech forcing Sonja to say “Don’t look at Lu!” LOLOLOLOLOLOL

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Something tells me Dubin MIGHT be more interested in Countess Lu.

Harry, realizing that he has to start taking his relationship more seriously with Sonja, takes her to a nearby table to pre-propose to her. “I’d like to take it to another level between me and you..and this is a ring for you. It’s not your engagement ring, but it’s a step to that.” HUH? Is this like a promise ring for old whores? #firstworldproblems

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What finger do you put on a non-engagement ring from someone you’ve been fuck buddies with for 25 years? The middle one of course.

Side note: In Countess Lu’s Bravo Blog this week, she says “I know both Harry and Sonja pretty well. I think they are cute together, but definitely not good for each other. They are both good friends, not lovers! That was over ages ago and everyone knows that, since Sonja and Harry both see other people all the time. I think he borrowed that ring from Ramona? A man who is serious about a woman doesn’t borrow a ring or leave his girl at a party!”

Does anyone know the real back story of that Emerald ring? Please let us all know!

Heather gives a funny roast-toast of Carole by reading a party planning email Carole had sent to her earlier. It was pretty funny and cute.

Ramona is tripping all over herself to tell Sonja that Lu and “Jawkes” broke up and Sonja says “Oh Please. I’m already pissed off by this. When was she going to tell me that they were on the rocks?”  Sonja then goes over to Lu to give her a cringeworthy verbal smack down because Lu didn’t tell her about her relationship troubles. Hmm. I wonder why Countess Lu didn’t want to confide in you after the way you treated her in Montana (and all the other awful times!), Sonja – Fucking duck face.

The cake is brought out and it’s time to blow out the candles….

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BLOOOOOOOOOW. PS. I give Carol a lot of crap but she really looked GORGEOUS in that sexy red number.

While the cake is being doled out, Sonja runs over to Ramona to tell her that Dubin gave her a ring. AT THE VERY SAME TIME,  Sonja is discussing her non-proposal ring with Ramona. Dubin goes up to Lu and says “You are stellarly beautiful.”  Lu, still looking like she could dissolve in a puddle of tears, tells Dubin not to bullshit her. In one of the most satisfying cases of “poetic Justice” EVAH, Luann says to Harry, “You know, I’m single now. Let’s get out of here!

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I had to rewind this 5 times to bask in all of it’s captioned glory. I think the editing was a little “off” during this part of the night, non?

The episode ends with Ramona asking “Where’s Harry?”

I know it’s awful that I’m hoping Countess Lu pulled a Pirate night-Part Deux with Dubin, but Sonja has some mighty bad Juju due to her this season. In the finale, I guess we see if Lu slept with Dubin and we FINALLLLLLLLLLY get to see Aviva’s leg lying on the floor in the middle of a dinner party. “Word on the street” – her leg was taken off and did not fall off. I’m looking forward to next week like it’s Chrstmas. And quite honestly, I didn’t like this episode unitl the final beautiful minute! So, so satisfying!

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Almost as satisfying as Dubin eye-fucking the countess!

I hope you enjoyed this weeks’ Evelyn Woods Speed Recapping issue. I look forward to dishing the dirt with youse guys, next week.

With some Philly Love,

Hepburn

 

xoxoxo

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