Hello my loves—MissKitty here to recap the penultimate (can it really be?!) episode of Ladies of London. To review: we see the Caroline/Caprice gulf widening like the yawning snake-mouth of Taylor Armstrong, Juliet continuing to channel Gretchen Wieners, Marissa reaching the very limits of her patience for Juliet, Noelle sticking her foot in it, and Annabelle being spectacular as always despite her horrible accident. So let’s GO; as the cockney-sounding singer in the opening would say, you may be pre-ee…but this is my (re-caa).
Our first scene is Caroline visiting the convalescing Annabelle at a country house/farm that Miss Kitty would gladly break her pelvis, arms, legs, and collarbone to own.
Annabelle you may recall got thrown from the dastardly Mr. Fickle going 45 miles per hour! Naughty Mr. Fickle, you rotten horse!
If you ask me, I think this one was in on it too…
Caroline exits the car carrying a small present, while her massive driver carries a large flat box. Annabelle looks miserable!
Bored. In pain. Hot. SUCKS.
She perks up at the presents, and there’s a scary second where it looks like Caroline’s driver is going to lay the enormous flat one across Annabelle’s recuperating broken lap! Hahaha
Luckily they stop him at the last second and instead put it on a chair. Annabelle opens the smaller box, and it’s a whole stack of DVDs. Aw!! What a great present! She reads the titles and they include a bunch of American stupid mindless comedies, which is, as the Brits would say, “bloody brilliant!” When I’m recovering from something, I want entertainment that doesn’t make me have to think too hard. It’s why when I was recovering from my appendicitis I read Fifty Shades of Grey, the execrable trilogy that everyone else seemed to love the shit out of for some reason.
Annabelle laments that she has no TV on which to watch them, and Caroline says she thinks she can remedy that, and they open the big box to reveal a new flat screen. Totally generous and thoughtful gift. Annabelle is sincerely thankful. Next Annabelle wants to sit up in a chair so they can continue their visit, and much to Caroline’s horror, she asks Caroline to help her get up. Caroline admits she’s terrible at that kind of stuff, and Annabelle wisely says it’ll be good for her to do it. So Caroline helps her by lifting Annabelle under her armpits, which also happen to be wet. I love that Annabelle the aristocrat has sweaty pits just like the rest of us and isn’t too hoity toity to pretend otherwise. I also love that Caroline agreed despite her “I don’t do cuddles” temperament to be so up close and personal. Caroline is awesome in this scene.
Aw. You’re a being a good friend Caroline <3
You can really see the pain on Annabelle’s face too as she transitions to little arm crutches.
Ouch, girlfriend. I think we all feel you
Once settled, Annabelle can focus on the gossip about Caprice. Caroline has negated my criticism from last week about having a “poor me” pity party when her friend is sitting there with a busted pelvis. Annabelle listens to Caroline’s complaints about Caprice’s bad manners regarding her baby shower (which were appalling), but she tells Caroline to take the high road. She (I think accurately) also tells Caroline that the baby shower is just an excuse for Caprice’s jealousy over Caroline befriending the Americans so suddenly and that both she and Caprice see themselves as the HBIC. Annabelle has a newfound appreciation for not sweating the small stuff (except under her arms—Come on! I mean, I have to do SOMETHING as a sarcastic recapper), which given how serious the accident could have been and how underrated the ability to get up and walk by yourself is, is understandable. While Caroline frets, Annabelle also very kindly points out that Caroline was hurt by it, and is soft underneath. Caroline looks almost embarrassed, and Annabelle tells her that she puts up a hard exterior but that it’s okay to reveal her sensitivity sometimes. I fully agree! Stop it you two! You’re making it impossible for me as a recapper. I can’t muster up bitchy snark when I actually LIKE my victims! I find this whole scene very touching. Not only because of how sweet they are to each other, but because I admire Annabelle’s generosity and good humor. Can you imagine a Real Housewife with a similar injury being so sanguine?? Yeah RIGHT—when any of them have had VOLUNTARY plastic surgery they all act like Jesus nailed to the fucking cross.
“By doze! I’b goieeg to diiieeee!”
Phew, just in time. We move on to Caprice huffing and puffing with her (very adorable) babydaddy Ty on the couch.
WHY is a cute, seemingly normal guy like that with Caprice? WHYYYYYY?
She is dramatically saying that her surrogate is dilated (along with Commenter Holyterror44, MissKitty’s favorite pregnancy term of all time if she wants to induce vomiting). Remarkably, Caprice’s handsome man very calmly explains dilating to her, rather than making a boyfriend-sized hole in the wall escaping any cervix talk. Ty has had three kids though (hope you help support them all there, Ty) and is not fazed. Caprice is “freakeeeen ouuuuut!” which, besides stuffing her mouth hole with food, is seemingly the most common thing she does.
“My throat is freakeeeen ouuuuut!” Oh. It’s because there isn’t any food going down it, yeah?”
Caprice isn’t sure if they should go NOW, whining that she has a major shoot for her lingerie, and Ty reassures her that they need to either go now or keep their passports handy. Caprice decides to call the surrogate (yeah, you think?) to find out more details. We thankfully only hear one side of the convo and the surrogate confirms that she can go for another two weeks dilated. EW. Caprice is handling this phone call with typical level-headedness.
Even the nervous, trembling Chihuahua is like “Calm the eff down.”
Ty laughs that that was a whole bunch of drama about nothing and gets the death ray stare while she points out that this is her first kid and everything is a big deal.
Enjoy Ty! You knocked up this drama queen, so you only have yourself to blame when you have to go “to hospital” clutching Caprice’s hand and fanning her every time the kid has a runny nose.
We next convene at Caroline’s “office” so she can discuss plans with Rania, her Harvey Fierstein-sounding assistant, to do a fancy dinner party at Caroline’s house.
“We better hurry this party planning along, doll. I have 53 cigarettes to smoke and then a cabaret dinner show to give.”
Caroline dictates that she wants a specific chef and specific waiters and who the invites need to go to. Wait—I thought the Brits “don’t do last minute”. From the sound of it, the invites are really e-vites for a dinner only a few days away. Anyway, everyone (even Caprice!!) is invited. Annabelle of course won’t attend, but Caroline still sends her an invitation. It wouldn’t occur to her not to invite Caprice, that it’s unheard of to single someone out. Miss Kitty approves, and the Real Housewives could take notice of this. Quick side note though–I love how HARD these rich bitches make it sound to plan a dinner party. Hahaha. Yeah, it’s SOOO difficult when you have loads of cash and someone else calling places for you. You have to check off food, décor, (depending on the size/location of the venue, transport), and drinks. Wow. That was so difficult. It took me a whole… 14 seconds to type that. Try throwing a party when you’re dead broke in a small-ass apartment, and THEN I’ll respect you. Caroline then asks for Harvey to set up an etiquette coach prior to her dinner, which will in turn set up one of the best scenes in the episode. She says she wants a My Fair Lady moment, comparing the conduct of Juliet and Noelle in particular at Mapperton to that of “cave people.” Hahahaha. True. But also true? You rudely went out and smoked a cigarette in the middle of the dinner yourself. So maybe slow down a bit on the superiority there, Professor Higgins.
We next see another visit to Annabelle out in the country.
Oh look! There’s that tranny mannequin again! I guess it’s like a Ladies of London mascot they take turns sitting with
Woops, it’s actually Caprice and Julie. Caprice carefully hugs Annabelle. Annabelle reiterates that as bad as her accident was, she was lucky that it wasn’t worse. She says she’s not too down about it actually and that it is giving her a new appreciation of what’s important.
LOVE the positivity!
Caprice whispers that she just CAN’T go to Caroline’s dinner. Eye::roll. You DO realize you’re telling someone a) who left the hospital by herself, b) who figured out how to get up and down to the potty and bath, and c) who still has a grateful, sunny outlook that you simply cannot attend a dinner party you don’t have to drive to that will be serving delicious gourmet food? Do you know how stupid and weak sauce you sound? Get over yourself. I think secretly Annabelle agrees.
“Your sniveling is very inspiring. You’re such a survivor.”
Caprice cements her leadership in the land of tacky as she defiantly interviews that if she were mad at someone, no WAY would she invite them to a dinner party. It’s all klass all the time with this fool. Annabelle tells her this stuff is SO minor (true!). She encourages Caprice to make up with Caroline, seeing as how they’re such old friends. Caprice changes the subject to her surrogate and how she’s going to have her babies soon. Annabelle fondly tells her she’ll be a good mother. Personally, I think she’ll be a hyper-attentive helicopter permanently attached to their heads, whirring inches above them every second of every day, but okay. The injured Annabelle reaches up to tenderly wipe a tear off Caprice’s face, telling her she’s amazing and that everything will be fine. She tries one last time to sway Caprice to go to Caroline’s party. This is why I am always and forever Team Annabelle. Like most people who are difficult to get to know at first, once you’re considered a friend, she’s steadfast, loyal, and supportive.
We should all be so lucky to have a friend like this!
We now go to my favorite scene—Caroline’s etiquette class for the Polaner All Fruit twins, Juliet and Noelle. Goody goody!!! Caroline and Noelle are first to arrive and are greeted by a stout scary woman named Rosemary, Etiquette Instructor.
Gulp. Um. Hi. I mean, Hello. I mean, pleased to make your acquaintance.
While Caroline wears the smile of a cat with a bird clamped in its jaws (which she will wear throughout the entire exercise), Rosemary straight off tells Noelle how rude it was of her to just “plunk down” into her chair without a formal invite. Noelle looks PISSED already. Hahahaha. Next Noelle sits like this:
Oh Noelle. Sigh. Honey. I think this will be a lost cause…
Oh, but she has nothing on Juliet, who arrives late, waddling her way into the room.
[HONK] “I’m here for the etiquette lettthhhon ppppptthhhhhhp.”
Rosemary tells her the reason why she’s there is to ensure that she doesn’t make the same mistakes that she made the other night. Hahahaha! Juliet politely holds up her hand over her mouth with a tasteful quiet sm… Oh come off it. You know that was going to go over like a lead balloon with Ms. Self-Aware.
[HONK] “Whaaaaaaaat? (I’m rude-ah?)”
The first test is with soup. You’re supposed to actually spoon it away from you (Miss Kitty knew this). Noelle has a 50-50 chance but guesses wrong and scoops towards herself. Rosemary chides her. Then Noelle gets defensive about the correction and starts complaining. “Put your spoon down if you’re talking,” Rosemary scolds, completely unmoved by Noelle’s little moment. Hahahaha. Juliet is beaming that she’s not the one in trouble. Next they serve pasta, which Juliet of course does this. Of COURSE.
Doesn’t everyone over the age of FOUR know not to do this at a formal dinner??
Caroline next brings up Mapperton and the “little train of food” going between them. Rosemary concurs with Caroline that that was very poor etiquette. As was leaving the table to go smoke, but miraculously that doesn’t get brought up, probably because the same two were guilty also.
Juliet doesn’t seem to get that you can just politely say nothing and leave the food aside rather than pass your food back and forth like an auctioneer, and Caroline brings up screaming on the street as another example of bad behavior. Juliet argues that (and I fucking hate this sentiment—it’s one younger girls seem to all espouse) it’s better to be honest all the time and “more real”. She interviews that HER etiquette is better than Rosemary’s. When did being a cunt become honesty? Um. No, you dumb bitch, it’s better if you pick a more appropriate time to have a discussion than (as Caroline says) shriek “like a fishwife” in public. Caroline points out to the nitwit that her “honesty” is making everyone else uncomfortable. Like the spoiled little brat she has probably been all her life, Juliet finds it very difficult to ever filter out her “personality”. Parents: When you constantly tell your daughter she’s a princess and center your world around her, nine times out of ten you get an exasperating headache most everyone else can’t stand to be around for more than five minutes. Just keep that in mind the next time you brag that your little girl is either a “diva” or a “princess”. Translation: She’s a raging twatpie.
“I was never told ‘no’ as a child! Hey, where are you all going?”
Juliet eventually begrudgingly concedes that the British way is more polite and that she’ll try harder “sometimes” to be more polite. Sigh. Noelle just drinks her wine and says nothing else. Hahaha. Smart girl.
Back again at Caprice’s house. Oh look! It’s shit-eating Rolsy…
“Can I have a snack? So I can make a snack?”
Caprice is bawling and stressed. Again. She is talking to Julie about her hectic schedule. Again, I don’t have any sympathy for you. You voluntarily decided to have two babies. You voluntarily are running a business. You voluntarily decided to film a reality show. Suck. It. Up.
Meanwhile, Rolsy is dreaming that the pillow is actually a giant self-provided turd…
Julie (over the phone) gives a levelheaded speech about giving up a little in order to rest. Caprice whines that she can’t give up anything. Julie tells her that she has to be selfish. Um. Somehow I don’t think that’s Caprice’s problem, but good advice anyway, Julie.
Noelle is shown getting ready in her bathroom. What??! A floating bare ass that needs the toilet comes gliding in. Oh wait, that’s just Scotttt talking to her.
“Hello! Do you need to use the loo, Mr. Bum? Oh. It’s you Scotttt.”
Noelle is telling him about the dinner party at Caroline’s and how Caroline and Caprice aren’t getting along.
Caroline and Juliet are getting ready to meet Marissa and Noelle at the Wellington Club, a bar steeped in history. I love Caroline’s bag, but I don’t like her outfit. I’m sorry.
“Those Boca timeshares won’t sell themselves! Let’s go!”
Juliet looks stunning actually.
For once, not a complete disaster
Marissa looks perfect as usual,
Yep. Very pretty as usual! Bitch
Noelle looks a little slutty but hot,
She has gorgeous skin
and they go hang with Jake, The Wellington’s owner, who would be fun to sit and talk to. I bet he has some outrageous stories!
Noelle record scratches that they’re throwing “Cap’s party” next week which is now a going away slash baby shower. Juliet, like a good Gretchen Wieners, looks over at Caroline with trepidation, since Noelle is trying to wear hoop earrings too and must be stopped!
Marissa says the party isn’t really a baby shower per se, but that if you feel like bringing gifts you can. I don’t understand frankly why Caroline is getting in a snit with Noelle and Marissa; it wasn’t their idea. And Caroline’s beef with Caprice is really between those two. It’s dumb. And annoying. Juliet tries to insert herself in as Caroline’s ass-kissing little worker bee, asking why all of a sudden they’re BFFs with Caprice. Marissa gives her this look:
Word, Marissa. I’m feeling your exasperation
Caroline calls Noelle a flip-flopper, and Marissa’s expression hardens further into an icy diamond. She says that she’s throwing Caprice a party and that they’re welcome not to come. “I’m working,” Caroline snarks, laughing. “You’re working on not getting invited.” Marissa retorts. Hahahahaha. I like Marissa so much better when she’s channeling her (direct, as opposed to passive-aggressive) inner biyatch. Work it! I do get that Caroline’s feelings were hurt by Caprice. And Caprice was in the wrong. But to expect everyone else to fight your battles for you is just plain silly when everyone purports to be friends.
Here we are at Caprice’s photo shoot, with the lovely Lucy, who looks SICK in Caprice’s lingerie. Miss Kitty is very pea-green over Lucy’s long torso, seeing how Miss Kitty’s torso seems to have negative 5 inches between ribcage and hip bones. Caprice is an annoying control freak during the shoot, but I have to say, her styling is dead-on.
Damn, girl! Wish *I* looked this good!
Some of the pieces too are—dare I say it?? Cute. What do you all think?
Noelle comes to the photo shoot while Caprice is, I know this will be a shock, EATING. Noelle begs her to come to Caroline’s party. Caprice says she’s leaving. Noelle looks visibly relieved when Caprice tells her that they can’t even have the going away/baby shower party. They decide it’ll be a welcome home party instead.
Oh no. Then Noelle spills the beans about Caroline and Juliet being irked about Caprice’s party. Oh Noelle. Girl. This is a woman who gets stressed over EVERYTHING. Bad idea.
Caprice, showing her usual laid-back restraint
Noelle tries to tell her how insignificant this all really is, but Caprice will not be stopped and MUST go to Caroline’s dinner party to hash things out. OY VEY.
On the “we’re back! No we’re not!” segment, Marissa is flitting around with Noelle at a baby shop twittering about the royal baby. She’s such a social climber that she’s hoping it’s a girl so that her son can marry her. Uh, you know, by the time they grow up they could still probably marry each other even if it’s a boy, thanks to equal marriage rights (yay). And we know it was a boy so next Marissa will be on a one-woman campaign of trying to interest baby Max in drapes and Broadway songs.
It’s the day of Caroline’s dinner party, and Caroline is flitting around making sure everything is perfect. Yawn. I’m so sick of seeing wealthy ladies stressing about the “perfection” of their dinner parties with the flower arrangements with the chef prepping the food, and the place settings being just so. You’re an uptight perfectionist. WE KNOW. You know what else we know? Water is wet. UGH. OVER IT. FF.
The ladies all get ready and into cars to trek out to the hinterlands of Surrey. Marissa is of course dressed beautifully. Noelle is… WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING? Noelle looks like a prom queen/slutty bridesmaid from Las Vegas, and already holding a drink, natch.
“I’m here for the Golden Nugget gypsy wedding?”
Noelle is so nervous about Caprice confronting Caroline based on her tattling that she cracks jokes and decides to open the bottle of champagne she brought as Caroline’s hostess gift.
Bwah hahahahaha! I know I say this every time, but I simply ADORE recapping this tacky ho
Meanwhile Caroline is getting ready. Zach the little suck up twin is calling her pretty, while Aaron the blunt twin tells her she’s not done yet, and therefore not pretty. Hahaha. It’s really cute. Of course Caroline has to pit her two twin THREE-YEAR-OLD sons against each other like a good mother, joking that Zach’s now her favorite. What a good idea to do to toddlers on national television. Sigh. This is why I can’t completely love this egotistical slag. Even as a joke it’s mean to do to little people who don’t understand dry humor yet.
Back in the progressively drunker mea culpa car, Juliet grills Noelle about her time with Caprice. Noelle admits she told Caprice about Caroline’s issues with the party. Juliet suddenly seems to think honesty is a bad policy, telling us that it’s bad to tell your friends what the other one has said. It usually does backfire, I’ll give her that, but shut up Juliet. Marissa tries to interject, but Noelle awesomely interrupts them to reveal that the long stone wall it takes the car like 2 minutes to pass was Scotttt’s property. Ass-face had 300 acres! But he has no money now and is broke. Riiiiiighhhhht. Everyone arrives at Caroline’s. Noelle confesses to Caroline that they drank her present on the way. Hahahahaha!!
“I open’d zzz champ ::hic:: champagne ssso your guessstdzz dd be happy ::hic::”
We see Caprice leaving (because she’s arriving at Caroline’s late) and it’s about to go DOWN. She interviews that she “hopes that there is no confrontation and that she just plays nice.” Wait. Weren’t you going to the party specifically to confront her?? I call shenanigans! What the EFF? It was so important to not put Noelle and Marissa in the middle that you had to go to the party and forego resting before your trip to America, REMEMBER?
Noelle slur-fides to Julie that she’s in th’middle. Julie seems like the sympathetic go-to for everyone, and seems to have a special knack for being a concerned friend but simultaneously staying out of it. She’s one sharp cookie, that Julie. I know I make fun of her fug fashion and awful, terrible hair, but I like her friendship style.
Caroline gives a toast thanking them all for coming. Marissa threatens to cry during it, and Caroline laughs and says of course she’s going to cry. Hahaha. Good one. Marissa cracks up and doesn’t take offense. I like self-aware Marissa. She asks if Caprice is coming, and Noelle stage whispers that she needs to tell her something and is caught by Caroline as everyone looks around nervously. Dun dun DUNNNN!
Next week is the finale, with the Caprice/Caroline show down. Oooo looks like there will be a Heather Dubrow-Shannon Beador style “Please leave” moment! Annabelle is going to ride again! Woo hoo! Caprice has her baby (ew), and Marissa takes her friends to Matt’s club it appears for some bottle-sparkler douche-y fun. Can’t wait! So what do you think? Will the fight be good? Join me next week to find out!
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