Game of Crowns. Oh, my FREAKING GOD. Is there no end to the madness that is reality TV? Luckily for us, no! So let’s get started with this hot mess of fantastic!
We start out in Wethersfield, Connecticut, at Shelley’s mansion, 8 hours before the Ms. Tri-State competition blows everyone out of the water. Shelley was Mrs. America 2011. Did Ryan Seacrest host that?
Shelley is practicing her speech in front of her mirror, sash and tiara both gleaming, while she stumbles over the tongue twister “prestigious pageants.” Her chubby daughter Maddy, dying for attention and popularity from being on her mom’s damn show, pops in holding the family dog and pack of gummy bears she wants to eat. Mom says no because diabetes is a bitch.
Then why do you even keep this shit in the house, Mrs. America?
Vanassa, Mrs. Connecticut America 2012, shows up for a playdate and Shelley admits she originally thought Vanassa was a hoochie momma. They compare crowns like men compare dicks, and Shelley says when they first met, they were instant friends. She mentions that Vanassa had breast cancer, so the jokes here will be limited. Ha! Just kidding.
Vanassa says Susanna, Ms. Tri-State Contender 2013 (why not Mrs.?), asked her to be a mentor during this pageant season so she can get to know the ropes faster. Susanna is a T&T alum for those of you who remember her daughter’s jewelry line. Meh.
How much anesthesia did you have today?
We move this right along as now we’re 6 hours away from pageant time in the heart of Providence, Rhode Island. The MC of the event, Melissa, turns bossy mcsaucy as she wants the women to start rehearsing.
A lot of these women look like average moms, so that’s kind of cool. Melissa suggests, “You need to think in your head.” As opposed to your vag? Jesus.
Wrong pageant face, by the way.
So Susanna does look very nice in a polished suit/dress she is wearing for her interview. She meets up with Leha, the reigning Mrs. Rhode Island America 2013, who complains to us that since winning she hasn’t had a moment to herself. Well, those grocery store grand openings do keep one busy. She’s here to crown the Mrs. who wins today’s pageant. See? Busy, busy.
Really representin’ here.
The first comment they have for Susanna is about her piloting. She says she can pilot a Cessna 152 and 172. What about a B52?
“For me, it’s more like, speaking eloquent,” Susanna says. I guess that B52 WAS a bomber. “I’m trying to be the Susanna you’d want to meet at a meet-and-greet.” Because I think the Susanna you’d meet at speed dating would really, really, really want a baby. And be a loud drunk.
Then they ask her what four languages she speaks. Oh, MY ASS she speaks four languages. I’ll give her Italian but no – she says French, then Spanish, and spits out basic hello/how are you’s from high school language classes, then “a little bit of German,” and she’s just started learning Chinese. So if you are counting, she barely knows Jersey English, but she can hyperbole like Trump.
Are you freakin’ kidding me?
One hour until stage time! Vanassa and Shelley show up and air-kiss Susanna, who says it feels amazing to have “the who’s who of pageantry here” to help her win. Yeah, really the who’s-who of the tri-state pageant world. Eye ROLL. Then there’s a lot of high-pitched comments that only dogs can hear coming from the women.
Oh goody, there’s another one. Lynne is Mrs. Rhode Island United States 2010 (why is it sometimes America and sometimes United States? Oh, why do I worry, soon it will be Mrs. China 2.0, exhibit A being this show).
Shelley snipes that Lynne calls herself a triple crown winner, saying she’s pretty sure that’s reserved for horses. Have you seen Lynne’s face? Then she says if Lynne could change her name to Barbie, she would. She might consider changing her hair back to faux blonde, as thos hot blue streaks seem kind of stripper-ish. But then again, so does Lynne.
Vanassa jumps on the snark bandwagon saying Lynne is still living vicariously through crowns she won “back in ’85.”
When apparently she had her original face.
Vanassa continues to Lynne-bash by saying the only Mrs. title Lynne won she actually bought. Isn’t that how pageants work though – the more you pay for those optional titles, the better your chances are of winning? “She’s a washed-up beauty queen,” Vanassa pronounces. Pot? Meet kettle. You both seem awfully BLACK. You know, for white women.
Shelley and Vanassa go to the podium to make their speeches. Shelley admits to “getting nerved up” before making a speech. She gets through “prestigious pageants” only to completely lose her train of thought and “ummm….ummms” her way to “a celebration of women.” No, it’s more a celebration of plastic and well-positioned botulism. “It’s what lies beneath the crown and sash that really matters.” Yes, because these are personality pageants, not beauty pageants.