Sister Wives Recap: Von Trapp Family Polygamists

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.22.46Lusty and clear from the goatherd’s throat heard, Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!

Howdy, Trashmii!  Welcome to this week’s ep, From Monogamy to Polygamy.  We pick up where we left off last week, with the Browns driving the last few miles to Springfield.  Kody says it’s fascinating to meet people who defend polygamy solely from the Bible.  Christine says it’s weird, and Janelle is excited to meet the Richard family.  Let’s see how long that lasts.

It’s nighttime, and the Browns arrive at the Richard ranch.  We meet Nathanael, the husband, Rebecca, the first wife, and Christina, wife #2.  They’re young folks, in their 30s.  Kody says he’s curious as to how they were inspired to “choose our lifestyle”, like the Browns created polygamy or something.  The Richards say there are a “lot of us hiding” (presumably non-Mormon plygs) in Missouri.  The Richards are just coming out publicly on Sister Wives, and Kody tells us he wonders if they know what they’re getting into.   Of course not!  No one who appears on a reality program ever knows what they’re getting into.

Nathanael has decided to use military organization for his family.  He says “company, fall in” and the kids line up against a wall like a scene from The Sound of Music.  Or a firing squad.  After Kody completely humiliates one of the young boys by saying Aspyn (who’s not there) would love to have him as a boyfriend, Nathanael says “intro” and the kids all introduce themselves.  I don’t remember their names, so I’m just going to call them the names of the kids in the movie.  For that matter, I’m calling them all by the character names.

Too bad they didn’t sing this:

The Von Trapps have set up a seder.  Cause they’re . . . Christian?  Is it actually even Passover?  Kody describes a seder to us as only he can.  It’s a meal with a story.  So’s a Happy Meal, for that matter.

The Captain starts to say the blessing, but Kody butts in and says he’s memorized that in Hebrew, and proceeds to say it.  Kody tells us it’s “funner” to say things in Hebrew.  Only Kody would call the Hebrew language, and a prayer about escape from enslavement, “fun”.  Do I sense another branch of Judaism about to start?  Let’s see . . . you’ve got your Orthodox, your Conservative, your Reform – and your Wanna Be Surfer Dude.  Mazel tov!

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.26.56And now, a medley from Fiddler On The Roof!

In interview, Kody goes on to give a more in-depth teaching on the Exodus:  Moses says to Pharaoh, “Let my people go”, and Pharaoh replies, “No way, Jose”.  What is this, Drunk History?

I get all my Bible teaching from Bob Dylan.  He’s the one who told us: “God said to Abraham, ‘give me your son’.  Abe said, ‘man, you must be puttin’ me on’!”  Much peppier than the King James, that’s for sure.

Showing his typical keen grasp of history and science, Kody ends the evening by telling us if Exodus were happening today, as one of the plagues, “God would send zombies”.  OR MAYBE HE WOULD SEND POLYGAMOUS FAMILIES!

Commercial.

We’re back to hear about another charming habit freaky “tradition” of the Von Trapp family.  They all start to eat at exactly the same time.  Apparently as Christians their priorities should be Jesus, another person and yourself, in that order.  So it would be best to let another person eat first to show deference.  But because they all want to show that deference to each other, they look each other in the eye and take the first bite together.  When Captain Von Trapp takes lunch breaks at work, he will even call one of the wives so they can eat at the same time over the phone.  I could not make this up, Trashmii.  And it looks just as creepy as it sounds.

Christine is skeeved by that too, in interview, so Kody makes fun of her, and then Robyn mimes bug-eyed staring at Christine when they eat, which for some reason really irritates Christine.  But then, what doesn’t?

It’s the next day now, and we see the entire Von Trapp family taking the first bite of breakfast on the count of three.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.30.21Meanwhile, the Von Trapp kid on the end is praying the Nazis get there soon.

Rebecca/Maria lists what she says are all sorts of lifestyles listed in the Bible, and says all are an option.  OK, I pick “fabulously wealthy king”, cause that’s in the Bible too.  Of course, she neglects to point out that those so-called “lifestyles” are all in the Old Testament.  Jesus wasn’t running any harems!

images2Aw, c’mon, Dad!  I don’t WANNA marry Meri!

Meanwhile, while looking at the Von Trapps’ goats and chickens, Kody is going on and on to Freidrich and Kurt about how great goats are.  He tells one of the kids they could ride a goat if they wanted to.  Kody wants one as a pet!  The kids and the goats ignore him.  Christine talks to Brigitta.  Christine asks why the hens don’t just leave eggs everywhere to be stepped on.  Brigitta refrains from laughing at her and instead talks about how the hens follow the rooster around, just like polygamy.  Then they both discuss growing up plyg and having to hide it.  Aw, sad distorted religious doctrine horns.

Commercial.

Time for a trip to the Nathan Boone homestead.  He was the son of Daniel Boone, and that’s all we hear about this guy.  Everyone eats, then the go on a tour of the homestead.  The place was built in 1837.  In interview, Kody and Christine talk about Missouri Executive Order 44, the “Mormon extermination order”, which was enacted about that time and was on the books until 1976, and which predictably led to a lot of persecution.  Now, here are the Browns, open plygs, back in Missouri.  Why, it’s just like Moses and his bunch, isn’t it?

Commercial.

Time for the adults to go to dinner, at the place where everyone eats out of huge skillets.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.33.32Missouri:  The Nation’s Official ESL State.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.34.01Where no one has heard of plates.

We get to hear how the Von Trapp family got to be plygs.  Gather round, children:

When they were first married, the Captain and Maria started reading the Bible through every year.  After a couple of years, the Captain realized hey, there’s nothing in the Bible that prohibits polygamy today!  Well, there’s nothing prohibiting slavery either, but we all know that’s wrong too.  But I digress.  One night, Maria was in the kitchen, and instead of helping her, the Captain was sitting on his fat ass in front of the TV, saying it would be nice if there were 2 Marias, one to do the work, and one to be next to him.  Hasn’t he heard of porn?

He told Maria about his amazing Bible quotes (which we don’t hear) supporting polygamy.  Maria wasn’t happy.  She felt she had done something wrong and had to fix it.  Then she went on a Christian polygamy chat room and realized all the people were just so nice and kind and “living the Bible better” than the folks in her church every week.  Great idea to contact random folks on the internet instead of, oh, talking to the pastor of your church about these “revelations”, honey.

Meanwhile, the Captain had a dream vision delusion of Christina/the Countess being wife #2 and Maria being fine with that.  Maria instantly knew what his dream was about.  Elsewhere in town, the Countess had a dream about kids who weren’t hers, and a husband.  She knew that was the Captain.  The three adults went to dinner, and the Countess agreed to marry the Captain.

images1Yeah, sure, I’ll shack up with the two of you.    Just don’t go singing that damned Edelweiss song.

Why, it’s just like a Disney fairytale!

imagesSay WHAT?

Commercial.

The families are driving to Fantastic Caverns.  Kody keeps singing “FANTASTIC CAVERNS” in a super gay Broadway style.  You know, I’m waiting for the day when he decides God has told him to move to the Castro and move in with Nathan Lane.  It won’t be long.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.35.43West Hollywood, here I come!

Everyone gets on trams and tours the caves.  Afterwards, the Von Trapps come over to the Browns’ RV park to have yet another picnic.  We learn that the Von Trapps have 9 kids, all of whom are Maria’s.  (The Countess apparently can’t get pregnant).  Everyone co-disciplines and co-parents the kids.  Maria had a difficult last pregnancy, and waited five months to tell the Countess because she didn’t want to upset her.  Cut to the QM, who shares that she knew her sister wives hesitated to tell her when they were pregnant, but she’s oh, so happy for them and thinks their kids are such a blessing.  Since when?  Does she realize we’ve all been watching this show for years?

Commercial.

The adults are still yakking.  The QM asks if Maria and the Countess call themselves sister wives.  The Captain says the do if it’s “relevant”, but they don’t commonly do that.  We never do hear what they call each other.  From what they say later, I assume “sweetheart”.  I say that because they then say they’ve heard “other” plygs share bedrooms but not a kitchen.  The Browns are visibly shocked, and in interview Kody says he’s never heard of a plyg family sharing a bedroom.  Of course not, Kody.  That’s not polygamy.  That’s an orgy.

Back at the table, Maria says whatever makes a family comfortable is OK with them.  I have a very strong feeling they’re doing the whole Sarah and Hagar thing with the Captain.  Kody tells us a polygamist woman once told him every woman owns her bedroom and her marriage bed, and wives never share beds.  No, because polygamists may be odd and wacky, but unlike the Von Trapps, they’re not acting out letters from Penthouse Forum!

Everyone then gets up to play something called Red Rover, which seems to involve people running straight at others.  Christine says monogamists never have as much fun as plygs.  That’s right before Kurt hurts himself.  Maria says he survived the Brown family initiation ceremony, and the Captain looks a tad irked.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 19.41.20Let’s get the hell away from these freakish plygs with their separate bedrooms!

Kody proclaims he has high hopes for the Von Trapps, and Maria says the Browns made a difference for them being able to publicly admit they’re plygs. Robyn butts in to say she loves the Von Trapps made a choice.  TO SLEEP IN ONE BED, honey!  On that disgusting note, our ep ends.

That’s it for this week!  Join me back here next Monday, won’t you?  See you then!

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