RHOC Recap: MADE of Lies

DaYum, Trashtalkers. DaYUM. This was not an easy one to watch. Normally I crave drama on this show the way an addict craves smack, but everything that happened at Lizzie’s dinner party was just so unseemly and painful I couldn’t’ wait for it to be over. The only good thing that happened as far as I’m concerned was the brutally honest portrayal of Tamra as the lying shit-stirrer she really is. Told you not getting to have that baby was going to throw gas on the fire of her crazy. Okay, let’s get started.

We open this week with Vicki, Brooks, Terry and Heather meeting up for the most unattractive double date in history. Terry and Heather welcome Vicki and Brooks back from vaycay, and Vicki mentions how nice it was to have David and Shannon there. Terry just can’t resist asking Vicki what Shannon must have said about the two of them, and Vicki, in yet another surprisingly mature move this season, gently explains that while she still considers Heather a friend, she’s pretty firmly on Shannon’s side, given their shared experiences. Heather attempts to give some context to the situation, telling Vicki that at first she welcomed Shannon into her home, but when Shannon went down the bobble head crazy aisle, Heather 86ed her for the sake of her children who were in the next room. Vicki concedes that Shannon didn’t really offer that bit of context, and just made it seem like Heather punched her in the face as soon as Shannon showed up the at door. Both women seem to reach a meeting of the minds at this point, but the interviews tell a different story. Let’s break it down:

VICKI HEATHER“At some point I will hate Heather, but not quite yet, so now is the time for civility.”

HEATHER VICKI“Not everyone thinks I’m right at first, I have to have patience.”

Brooks, for his part, slurps bourbon and tries to nod at the appropriate times. He manages to make a pretty good show of it.

Over at the Beadors, Shannon and David are enjoying a bit of a honeymoon period back from Mexico. They all have dinner as a family, and Shannon goes through her daughter’s packing list for Rome. Sophie’s going on a trip with her Latin class and David is chaperoning. It’s really cute, but even though they’re not fighting, you can still see a certain dynamic at work in the Beador household that is probably the cause of some of the marital strife. Shannon reads aloud the packing list and firmly tells David and Sophie that they’ll need at least two pairs of good walking shoes and pants for every single day they’re in Italy.

SHANNON DAVID ITALY“I mean, you’re going to get dirty every day, and there’s going to be no laundry, so what are you going do to? Wear dirty pants? You’re not going to wear dirty pants, DAVID.”

I love the idea of this poor teenager traipsing around Italy with a bag twice her size. That’s a mistake you make only once, backpacking friends. A bottle of Woolite and a portable clothesline are way more useful than an outfit for every day you’re gone. Underwear for every day? Yes. Outfits? No.

Regarding her marriage, Shannon interviews that while she’s in a hopeful place, she knows her marriage has a long way to go. She says, and I quote, “We’ve been through 13 years of strife.” I think they’ve only been married 13 years! Now I’m really worried… Is it possible to save a marriage that has literally never been good?

With that, we head to Lizzie’s family beach house and I don’t give a fuck. Not a single one. Zero. Fucks. Given. But, for posterity’s sake, Lizzie’s throwing a dinner party (silly rabbit…), but the beach house is mid-remodel apparently, so she orders Christian to take some time off from the Jiffy Lube to make sure the house is presentable in time for the party. Aww, Lizzie really has no idea how little these women will end up caring about her or her house.

At Vicki’s office, Tamra stops by for more chit-chat, which is apparently way less of a time suck than going to the bathroom. Seriously? Both women spend about ten minutes talking about how they both work so hard and have so many things going on that it’s frustrating to have to stop all that productivity to empty their bladders. Not only did I not need that visual, the discussion happens while both women are taking time out their work day to gossip. Also, both women refer to “using the bathroom” as “going potty.” God, I want them to guest on “Ladies of London” so badly. Can you imagine Caroline and Annabelle getting a load of Vicki and Tamra? CAN YOU IMAGINE????

At some point, thank goodness, the conversation moves away from urinary tracts and onto the impending dinner party at which Shannon and Heather will both be present. They’re both pretty worried, especially Tamra because she caused the entire mess, but also because they both feel in the middle. Then they both start shit-talking Heather and getting annoyed about how she points her finger when she’s being Mrs. Right-y McSmartypants. With’em on that one. There’s this amazing montage of Heather doing just that and I can’t wait for the reunion when she tries to make a point and has to physically restrain herself from doing that. You know she will… They keep saying that while they still like Heather (not for long), they really don’t like the way she’s treating Shannon. I love that in their heads they’re both sticking up for the little guy, regardless of the countless women on this show they’ve both blown to smithereens for no other reason than that they felt like it.

GRETCHEN ROSSI Remember how pretty and happy Gretchen was? Yeah, Vicki and Tamra didn’t like that one bit…

Back at the beach house, the night of the party has arrived, and Christian’s waving around a bottle of Fireball he’s gotten “in case the guys want shots.” That fact tells me every single thing I will ever need to know about Christian. Sidenote: if you want to be my friend or have my respect, do not drink Fireball. That is all. Lizzie’s very, very pleased with the progress Christian’s made getting the house showroom ready, and she’s very, very proud of her table. She’s excited to show off and elegant party, but did anyone else think that the place cards made out of shells gave the whole thing a very Florida vibe? Eh, whatevs. Like I said, zero fucks given.

Next we’re treated to dueling limo rides featuring the Dubrows and the Beadors. Guess what? They’re both nervous about seeing the other couple. I should fucking hope so. Interestingly though, Shannon brings up something we’ve not been privy to up till now (boy this season is full of twists and turns, huh?) – apparently Tamra, for the past few months, had several times said to David and Shannon that Terry Dubrow had been talking about wanting to bring the Beadors down. Shannon hadn’t thought much about it up until then, but given the recent experiences she’s had with the Dubrows, now the statement is looking more and more truthful. She resolves to confront Tamra at the party and reconfirm that Terry did indeed say something to that effect. OMG, Shannon. No. Do NOT do this. Terry said no such thing, I am SURE of it. Even he’s not that ridiculous. Tamra absolutely made this up and if you broach the topic at dinner, you will be soooooo fucking sorry. **It was at this point in time during the episode that I literally started praying for Shannon. God said, “You praying for someone on this show is like crank calling 911.  Knock it off.”**

Danielle and Joe arrive first, and I actually give negative fucks about this. They are followed closely by the Beadors and then the Dubrows. It’s predictably awkward between the latter two couples, but civil nonetheless. Finally Tamra and Eddie arrive, there are some fire dancers on the beach, and Lizzie begins to wonder where Vicki and Brooks are. She seems slightly miffed, but not that surprised, and when Vicki and Brooks do finally arrive the only unpleasant thing that happens is Heather calling Brooks, “Brooksy.” This officially makes her creepier than Brooks. Thankfully, Tamra doesn’t have Vicki and Brooks in her crosshairs tonight, so she makes nice with the Mississippi ManBeast and Vicki breathes a sigh of relief.

Finally we’re at the first critical moment of the episode. Shannon pulls Tamra aside to ask her to reconfirm that Terry said he wanted to “take the Beadors down.” Now, Tamra could go two ways about this when it comes to lying about it – she could reconfirm that Terry said that (which he clearly didn’t) and watch Shannon confront him in what I’m sure would have been in an impressively crazy way. Or, she could deny ever having said it in the first place, and just mess with Shannon’s poor, mushy head some more. I was surprised when she chose the latter, but then I realized that that’s the more fucked up option and my surprise melted away…

TAMRA FUCKED UPThe levels of fucked upness this women is capable of are truly fathomless.

And poor Shannon, she interviews that she thinks Tamra’s lying about ever having said that to her because Tamra doesn’t want Shannon to confront the Dubrows and reveal that Tamra told her things they clearly said in confidence. No, Girl. No. Tamra is denying it because it did not happen, and the revelation will finally make it an inescapable fact that she is MADE OF LIES.

Finally, everyone sits down to dinner, and Christian gives exactly the kind of welcoming speech/toast I’d expect from a dude who enjoys Fireball shots at his age. Vicki inter-snores, and I raise a glass to THAT. Everyone starts eating and it’s very quiet, so Tamra starts talking about what a great ass she has for her age. Because, Tamra. Then she asks Brooks what his favorite part of Vicki is, and he hee-haws “her brain.” Both Tamra and myself call bullshit. Then he fucking doubles down on both of us and clarifies that his favorite physical part of Vicki is her vagina, hands down.

SCREAMING PANDAThis is how I feel inside.

Then Vicki sorta shrugs and interviews that she had C-sections so her ladyparts aren’t all stretched out from childbirth. God, they really are like two pigs in shit. I guess it’s a great thing they found each other… Meanwhile, my mind was raped into producing a mental image of Vicki’s vagina, so thanks for that, Bravo. I will one day repay you. One day. With knives and STDs.

Finally, though, without further ado, it’s time to get to the grisly, rotten meat of this episode, and we have Tamra Barney to kick it off. Because she is a disloyal, two-faced, poison-filled twat, she leans over to Terry during dinner and tells him that Shannon is under the impression he wants to take down the Beadors.

TAMRA BITCHThere’s a word for women like you, but it’s not used in polite society… outside a kennel.

It’s pretty much downhill from there, though Tamra can’t shoulder all the blame. Terry, because he is some strange social mental patient, immediately yells across the table to the Beadors, “Shannon – you think I wanna take you down?” Poor Shannon is COMPLETELY blindsided, and can merely muster a, “That’s what I heard.” She’d stated in an interview before that once Tamra waffled about the Terry thing, Shannon had no intention of confronting the Dubrows at the party, if at all. Clearly this is not going well. Shannon says that Tamra had said as much to her, and Tamra vehemently denies it because she is one of the world’s shittier people. But before you think we’re never going to know the truth about what Tamra really said, it’s Gunvalson for the win as she interviews that Tamra must be having some sort of amnesia because apparently she told Vicki the same thing just recently. Vicki is fucking killing it this season.

Shannon explains to Terry that she’d simply HEARD that that’s what he’d said, but since it was unconfirmed by Tamra that night, Shannon never intended to confront him about it at the party. They seem to come to an understanding, but then the subject of Shannon “yelling” at Heather at the Christmas party comes up again, and Shannon tries to apologize once more, but she’s pretty annoyed that Heather can’t let it go. So are the fucking rest of us. Then David jumps in, kind of a hero, and points out that Heather shouldn’t have been speaking about their marriage to anyone, and Heather snits in an interview that Shannon’s been the one speaking about their marriage to anyone who will listen, so if David’s pissed that word’s getting around, he should talk to his fucking wife about that. Ooooor, maybe not go on a reality show when he’s months away from divorce. The Dubrows come back full circle on the idea that the idea of them thinking about anyone else long enough to ponder “taking them down” is preposterous, and Heather even goes so far as to say that Shannon is clearly making all this up, because while Tamra is many things, she isn’t a liar.


Then, Lizzie, in the first moment I’ve wanted to high-five her all season, points out that it’s abundantly clear to her that Tamra is at the center of all this shit-stirring. Lizzie – she might not be interesting, but she’s clearly a decent judge of character.

For his part, Christian does something likeable for the first time, and says that if the whole thing is preposterous, why are they still talking about it? Everyone stares at him blankly for a moment and returns to fighting. Heather snits to Terry that she doesn’t think she should be taken to task by David over something she didn’t do i.e. talking about the Beadors’ marital issues to a table full other people. But she did do that. Let’s not forget that Heather did EXACTLY THAT. Shannon begins to get adamant about not continuing the conversation at the dinner table, but then Heather’s gotta bring up the fucking Christmas Party of Public Humiliation once again, and Shannon just goes to the bathroom. Good for you, Girl. Christian, in the lamest attempt to save an evening I’ve ever seen, comes up with another stupid toast and it’s all Vicki can not to punch him the neck for terrible timing. She’s not wrong…

Tamra very obviously takes Heather out to the balcony to talk/save her skin, and Lizzie once again correctly observes that Tamra always seems to be on the sidelines when it comes to drama between the ladies. Christ, she’s their fucking drama coach, if you ask me.

Outside with Heather, Tamra’s ugly, ugly two-faced nature comes out even more. She swears up and down she didn’t say those things about Terry, and even goes so far as to call Shannon crazy – a woman she claimed to genuinely feel for not two episodes before. Then Heather, finally happy to have someone – ANYONE – on her side, snits that Shannon’s clearly drunk (wut?), but maintains that she wished Terry hadn’t confronted the Beadors at the table. You’ll be thanking him when you realize just how much that made it possible for you to be back next season.

Inside, Terry tries to resolve the situation once more, joking that he would never say anything akin to taking someone down, and David, because he’s sick of Terry’s slimy, superior bullshit, just says, “You couldn’t take us down,” and Terry gets all heated again. He starts Oprah-ing all over the place about what a passive aggressive remark that is, and David and Shannon officially enter the ninth circle of Hell. Well, David’s in nine. Shannon’s about at seven, with a few more rungs yet to fall.

Outside, Heather and Tamra talk some more shit, and both agree that Tamra’s not a liar. Heather interviews that she’s sick of feeling like a scapegoat when it comes to Shannon, who seems to find every reason to be upset with her. I think she should feel sick of feeling like Tamra’s puppet, but since her head’s too far up her own ass to realize Tamra’s pulling all the strings here, it’s unlikely she’ll agree with me this episode. Give it time…

Heather and Tamra go back inside, and David confronts Tamra about her shitstirring, and THEY go outside, which is incredibly awkward and weird. Of course nothing gets resolved there, so Eddie and Shannon join, and Tamra takes the opportunity to totally switch sides and act like she’s Shannon’s friend again (we get the whole, “When I told Heather about your private lives, I was doing it FOR you!” thing again). It’s more disgusting that Brooks’ blurred out crotch during the couple’s massage. Tamra drags Heather outside to confirm this once more, and Heather acts like what she did thereafter at HER lunch was what Tamra did – trying to get people to lay off Shannon because of her marital woes. None of this was idle gossip.

OMGOMGOMGOMG. Guess what? It doesn’t have to be gossip to be destructive. Shut your fucking mouth about other people’s business. Granted, all of this is totally negated by the fact that Shannon and David decided to go on a reality show during the midst of their struggles, but I think it needed to be said all the same. The Beador’s don’t really buy any of that, but Shannon’s willing to agree to disagree and leave it at that… until Heather brings up how apparently Shannon’s telling people that Heather didn’t even invite Shannon into her home the night of the epic booting, and Shannon vehemently denies that. Heather says that’s what she heard from Vicki (not true), and this last story spin is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for Shannon. She can’t take another second of Heather twisting her words and actions into something they aren’t, and promptly



Shannon wigs…


…the fuck…



So much so, that Tamra follows her into the house and oddly gets into her face screaming at the top of her lungs for Shannon to stop, as Shannon rampages through the house yelling (for real yells, this time) that everyone will soon see the truth about Heather. The Tamra thing is really weird – she’s SCREAMING at Shannon, making it seem like Shannon’s freaking out way more than is warranted, when, in reality, Shannon is freaking out exactly the amount she should be. She winds up on yet another balcony, telling Tamra to get away from her, telling David to get Tamra away from her, and in general cracking under the pressure. Lizzie tries to come out and repair some of the damage, but quickly sees what a futile attempt that is. She ends the episode interviewing wryly that her party’s officially in the gutter, and it’s all thanks to Tamra bringing up the “taking the Beadors down” comment.

LIZZIE WELCOME OCWelcome to the OC, Bitch.

And that, as they say, is that.  Let’s end how we began with, DAYUM. I’ll see you next week when I’ve recovered from this episode.

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