Masterchef Recap: Evil-Courtney loves Christine’s Iron Fist.

Heya Trashies!

It barely seems like a week since last time, but it’s time for some more scowly Gordy action. Personally I could use the relief as I overheard a phone call that blamed me at work for losing a contract worth half a million (pounds too, not dollars, although I don’t think if it was dollars I’d be any better off). That has led to a stressy week, and then some joker told me to watch Hemlock Grove 2 because it was better than series 1. If anyone does that to you, punch them in the face straightaway, it’ll save time later. Oh and because of the hot weather the flea traps I put down picked up about 40 fleas in three days, despite using Vet grade poison on the whole house, although that will apparently take 3 months to work properly.

Still, in the less flea bitten or hostile world of Masterchef, the mini’s are thrust into a team challenge! Running a diner, which will be fun to watch. Hopefully there will be enough of them to get under each others feet .
Elizabeth does a quick run of the top cooking skills competitors – which you might think in what is ostensibly a cooking competition makes them the top competitors, but we’ll skate over that – and it’s Courtney, Christine, Big Willy, Jaimee and herself. After her recent troubles I’m a little surprised Jaimee is there, but maybe for her its a confidence issue not skills.

Malibu says he doesn’t want to get too excited or too depressed going into the team challenge.


So I’m taking Lithium.

Sound advice, (the being on an even keel bit, not the lithium part) he does seem to know the sensible thing to do even if he occasionally lets himself do something else.

So its two teams of 7 covering the diner, and the judges are picking the team captains. First up for the reds is Christine. She seems up for it, but she is an evil vampire investment director so is used to all that ‘go get ’em’ corporate hooey. Probably has peasants chained ‘There is no I in team’ motivational posters on her wall. Up for the blues is Big Willy.


So that’s two of the stronger cooks chosen, things might actually go well today! The teams are being assigned as boys versus girls. Immediately I think the girls have an edge in that Christine is probably more bossy and willing to dictate, but that is a pure guess. Oh but then there is a twist.


Hmm, how can we fuck this up for them?

Gordy introduces a change. Each team gets to choose one team member on the opposing team that they want. Who will Reds take…Christian.


As surprised as I am.

Really? Over Magic the uber-organised? A guy who they say as they pick him ‘when he’s motivated he’s good’ Oh well. Christian is genuinely surprised to be picked, but he loves it, so props to the guy for being likeable. Ok it wouldn’t have been either Dan for me, or Malibu (because of the fight risk with Ahran and Elizabeth), so maybe its not such a wild choice.

Blue takes Victoria. Apparently she’s worked a diner before, or similar, so that would make her a strong choice.

The leaders are expediting. Team that picks up the least votes get sent into a pressure test. They’re making some straightforward stuff.


I’d want that pancake stack a little higher please.

No technical bear traps today, it’s all about high standards, efficiency, speed and consistency. If any of the team has someone who can bang out consistent eggs and pancakes time after time my money is on them. I have to start earning that half a mill back somehow.


Blood type A? You can be first

So the leaders dole out the jobs and they get to it. Christine is very clear that she wants to see everything before it goes out and no chatting in the kitchen unless its to her. That could come back to bite her on the ass, encouraging her team to not speak. I suppose she means no irrelevant chat, but has she never seen Gordy yelling at the Hells Kitchens chefs to communicate more?


OK you can speak  if you’re fire, I concede that.

It rapidly transpires though that she’s right. She raps out orders loud and clear, and Evil-Courtney says she’s organizing it well, with an ‘Iron Fist’


Evil-Courtney loves Christine’s Iron fist.

It sounds like Christine is keeping standards up too, as she gives instructions like ‘less grease on that’. On team Blue its not going so well. Big Willy is drowning in the welter of orders, and increasingly vocal complaints from his brew. The camera swings to a classic Gordy pose.


‘I stopped Kitchen Nightmares for this’

Apparently the last episodes of those are ‘Costa Del Nightmares’ which I assume will focus on UK expats running restaurants in Spain, as that’s where most Brits go to live the dream of working somewhere that doesn’t drizzle half the year. But I digress.

Magic does start slightly odd and rambling back handed compliment of Willy, that involves unicorns, so its hard to follow. The big man himself cuts it down to ‘I’m all over the place’. Self-aware without being histrionic about it, he is awesome. He gets some pointers off TG and gets back on the horse, metaphorically speaking. How long did the crunch last for? Hard to tell, it might have just been the first few orders before he cut his teeth and got the hang of it.


The Crunch? I mock the crunch


Elise is now failing the quality check – she is ‘smooching’ the bread on the club sandwich, it looks suspiciously like she’s pressing them down to get them to hold their shape. Christine is unhappy. Don’t ask what happened to the last minion that made her unhappy.


Have you seen my new Jacket?

The scary part is I didn’t photoshop that at all. Christine has my sympathy here, apparently she’s asked Elise 5 times to sort it out, but Elise is just not coping. She says ‘Club sandwiches are not easy.’

2014-07-15 16_25_10-Masterchef season 5 episode 8 - YouTube

Yes, they are.

I mean cmon! Making a stack of them is a lot harder, but this is Masterchef. A good club sandwich is a lovely and elegant thing, but it’s just a sandwich. Elizabeth is subbed in to help, probably a little slower than she should have been – maybe Christine was reluctant to upset Elise, which is understandable.

Malibu, on blue team’s eggs, is failing to get them right for the eggs breakfast. Again its simple enough to do, but easy to mess up when you’re doing loads of them. Victoria is subbed in to eggs and Malibu is back on toast, which he burns. He’s not happy about it and Blue team is having trouble. Bastage goes off on his rounds to creep the customers out. Tables start walking out,


Yay! Now we can go to McDonalds!

One of the tables leaving is interviewed. They were waiting for 45 minutes – that’s your lunch break gone and no food eaten, if you’re at work that day. To be fair to the mini’s this isn’t one of those times they’re pretending to have filled the restaurant with clever camera angles, it really looks like they have packed em in today.


The hospital usually notices we’ve escaped after 45 minutes

Then the typical bombshell that Gordy lives for hits.


‘Yeah its going ok…Oh crap Gordy’s smiling I’m doomed’.

Red team has served raw chicken and it was Christian on that station. Oops. Gordy doesn’t get to make too much of it, for him, but there’s the obligatory ‘we”ll go home if we serve raw chicken’. And potentially poison someone, but it’s nice to see their priorities are right.

There’s ten minutes left of the afternoon shift and its hard to tell which team pulled ahead. Both teams had some fails in what must have been a pretty intense and hard shift. That money of mine is still on Red winning it though, which will give Lucky Elise another pass.

The mini’s are shown chatting and Malibu gets asked why he’s quite, he jokes that he keeps his mouth shut during challenges. Daniel pipes up that he should do that in the rest of his life. That’s a pretty raw thing to slam someone with out of a clear blue sky, and Malibu keeps his temper far better than I would. He says something like ‘I just won’t acknowledge that’ and plays it into the long grass, so to speak. He’s clearly less irritable than I am, especially when faced with ‘joking but I mean it’ crap. Next time Malibu, go with ‘Fuck off Daniel’

So its decision time. 87 votes playes 82, so its close, but Red team wins. Cue the conversations about ‘omg those two tables that walked out made all the difference’. But that doesn’t happen oddly enough.


Red Team can’t believe ‘Lucky’ Elise has got through again

I win my bet, only £499,990 left to go!  I’m so getting fired. Anyway,  Blue is on the pressure test, a familiar place for some of them. Big Willy can save three of his team, or he can save himself. So its him plus three others cooking, or six cooking and he’s ok? Tricky choice. Will he save himself? He’s facing deeply shortened odds if he doesn’t save himself, but he saves the others. Brave of him.

The first saved is Daniel, who just nods that he deserves to be saved and slags off Malibu. Magic is next saved. Last saved is Victoria. So, unsurprisingly, Big Willy did the nice guy thing, and those are the three he though deserved it. Although he likes Malibu, he must know the eggs were a disaster area.

They’re cooking Red Velvet Cake, and Big Willy seems happy as he’s made this before. The main rule is a minimum of three layers.

The big man is adding pecans to his. Ominous, although this time the pecan’s are a more natural fit than on a blueberry pie.


They look innocent, but they’re evil I tell you, evil.

Sounds like he’s got a fair fix on how to do it. Malibu is at home it seems, but the judges are keener on needling him about Daniel. He really needs to stop getting drawn into these fights.

It looks like Dan Wu is not having a good time with his cake mix. Lucky Elise, who does know about baking, is warning him it’s too thick. It does look very gloopy but he’s out of time and has to bake it. Jaimee and Elise are hovering over him handing out well intentioned advice, but they look a bit intimidatory.


The Baking Mafia

They’re slicing off the top and tail of the layers, and it looks like Big Willy is used to this – the others no so much. Its down to the decorating, and it sounds like Cutter and Dan Wu are using that to cover up some uneven cakes.

Judging time!

Willys cake looks ok, but I don’t like the scruffy pecans. Is that popular these days? Shabby chic?


Pecans get you every time.

Gordy likes it, even if it’s not quite even. The layers look awesomely good, and the judges like it. Its a hit!

Malibu’s cake is looking good, but a bit wonky.


Wonky, like him

The layers look ok, and Bastage likes it. Cutter feels it necessary to jump in and have a go at Malibu. I’d love to see what goes on behind the scenes as it seems like everyone jumps on him, even the contestants you’d think wouldn’t. Has he been peeing in the punch or something? Staying up all night singing ‘If you think I’m sexy’ on the Karoake machine?

Either he’s a gigantic ass backstage, or the others are a bunch of bullies. Or both. It feels like he has less friends than any other contestant so far in any season at this point– even Juggy, and yet despite his oddball nature it’s not glaringly obvious as to why. Yes he can be an Ass-Hat, but then the way the others jump on him is evidence of Ass-Hattery on their part.

In any event, as he consistently proves in the many pressure tests he ends up in as no one ever saves him, he can cook a wide range of things really well, Cakes being one of them.

Dan Wu’s cake looks fine, and more even than the others so far – despite the ohhs and ahs when he was baking.


Is it concealing a dark torrid secret?

Yes. Its dense as fuck and over cooked. Easy to do when baking, you don’t get a second chance at it. Bastage doesn’t love it, but doesn’t like Cutter’s grin at Dan’s woes, saying Cutters cake looks like its made by a child.


Made by a child? Harsh, but fair.

There’s an American Flag on top which hasn’t really worked quite right, but at least he’s trying. The decoration looks scruffy, the layers look ok but Gordy doesn’t like the overloading of frosting. The sponge is nice, but he goes on about the ratio being off. Cutter makes the same mistake as Elise last week, and talks himself into a jam over what he said about his cake.

The judges are just waiting for you to back down Cutter, there is no good way out here beyond that. It doesn’t matter who’se right or wrong here, the further down the road of disagreeing you go, the harder it is to row back. The judges always win, as they’re the judges. Its like arguing with your parents.


He picks his own scabs and pokes Tigers with sticks too

His original point is ok – it tasted fine to him. I can get behind that, his layers looked ok to me, if a little big on filling. (Although as it was Cream Cheese, any layer of that at all makes me yak so it’ve been far too much for me) but that’s not the point, he’s made himself a target for some judge put downs.

So who is the unlucky mini this week? Big Willy is safe. Malibu is safe. Its down to Cutter and Dan Wu, which is no surprise. Has Cutter talked himself into a mess? No, Dan Wu is toasted. So Gordy and the judges were just prodding Cutter with a stick to see if there was any juice in him, and there was. Probably made Dan Wu think he had a chance, poor bastard.


A smiley pic, just to prove he can.

So bye by Dan. He had been sinking into the middle ground it seemed, although again its hard to see how Lucky Elise survives when he doesn’t, or Francis B for that matter. That’s the way it goes though.

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