Hello, Trashmi, and welcome to the Vegas episode of Food Network Star. Sadly, unlike SYTYCD, this show’s Vegas episodes will not include choreography (and secretly, don’t you want to watch Lenny and Crazy Eyes get assigned the samba?). Instead, our intrepid contestants will beg vacationers hanging out at the Caesar’s Palace pool for votes in the form of the Dials of Doom. It’s about the most fun you can have in Vegas. Well, not really, but join us anyway, why don’t you?
We open with the contestants in their product-placed vehicles, driving into Vegas. Luckily, the cameras cut away before they get stuck in hours of traffic jams on the Strip, to show us that the contestants’ faces are being flashed on a Jumbotron outside of Caesar’s Palace. Of course Sarah reacts with her usual glee at seeing her vapid mug on camera. Have you ever watched a parrot stare at itself in a mirror? It’s very much the same thing with Sarah.
The contestants arrive at Caesar’s to find Giada and Alton waiting for them. Bobby Flay is not. Giada’s dress sense has reached new heights (or depths?) with today’s ensemble: spike heels paired with a short blue and white colorblocked dress that not only plunges down her cleavage, but zips all the way down the front.
Guess who this outfit is for?
Got it in one.
That’s right, Luca is back from Star Salvation. Giada is clearly thrilled to have her Italian Stallion back, but the contestants seem less enthused. As Emma puts it, they thought they were top six, and now they’re back to top seven again.
Alton attempts to justify their trip to Vegas by claiming it is known for world-class food and entertainment. Please. I love Vegas, but it’s known for gambling. While Vegas pretends to have world-class food, what it has are copies of restaurants that are successful elsewhere, dumbed down in Vegas to appeal to what casino owners think Middle America wants. Meanwhile, the restaurants everyone piles into are the $4.99 all-you-can-eat-prime-rib buffets. In other words, when it comes to dining, Vegas is the Food Network of cities. Kind of proving my point, Giada instructs the contestants to meet her at the buffet inside the casino.
Once at the buffet, they are given the assignment to describe dishes to Giada. Each contestant is given three dishes and 90 seconds, but they can’t move on to the second and third dishes until Giada tells them the is first description has succeeded in making her hungry. Shyeah. Like that bitch eats. I agree that a food show host needs to be able t evocatively describe flavors and tastes, but the only thing that’s going to make Giada hungry is using sexual imagery. Or having an Italian accent.
Did you roofie my seafood?
Spiffy Chris is up first, and is given three Italian dishes, which Giada identifies with as exaggerated an Italian accent as possible. Chris gamely starts in on the papardelle carbonara, mentioning the earthiness of the mushrooms and creaminess of the sauce, but Giada keeps a tight little smirk on her face the whole time. She’s not buying it. Sarah — who you’ll notice is always good for a soundbite kicking another contestants when they’re down — crows that Chris is slowly melting. Remember that level of snottiness about 20 minutes from now. Chris’ 90 seconds expire without being passed on a single dish.
Nicole is up next, with three Asian dishes. She mentions the viscosity of the broth, and Sarah giggles loudly enough to distract the judging. Was “viscosity” the kind of word that makes your mouth water? No. But can Sarah do any better? Most definitely not, as she immediately shows, fumbling her way through a description of gazpacho, calling it “hard to describe.” It’s cold tomato soup, lady, not nuclear physics.
Let’s just enjoy this moment, with the cameras on us. Why spoil it with nonsense like gazpacho descriptions?
So we’re 0 for 3 so far. Then Emma steps up to the plate, being given tatter tots, brisket and shrimp and grits. She sounds completely natural, as she smoothly ties the maple flavor to reminding her of Vermont, discussing the melt-in-your-mouth texture of the brisket, and she passes all three dishes!
It’s a good thing you’re flat chested, or I’d feel a lot more competitive with you.
Back to Loserville with Loreal, who’s given three Mexican dishes to describe. She tells us these are not flavors she connects with, and it’s apparent in her description, which focuses on the colors of the dishes, not their flavors.
Luca is next, and he’s given three seafood dishes. He starts discussing how much the ceviche remands him of Italy, and pairing it with a glass of prosecco, and while he’s not described the flavors at all, Giada is imagining herself on a date with Luca, sipping prosecco and feeding each other ceviche, and believe me, she is hungry for it. Luca passes two dishes, to the obvious jealousy of Lenny.