Big Brother 16 Recap: Wizards and White Knights

Hey kids! Welcome back to the crazy house of crazy. Last week Devin went off (or on?) his meds and decided he was gonna backdoor Zack. The rest of the house did not concur, and PooPoo left to go be useless somewhere else. Our duel HoH’s this week are Derrick and Nicole, which should be dreadfully boring after the week we just had.

bb163hohsQuick! One of you develop a crippling meth habit!

Nicole tells us that she had no desire to be HoH, but it’s hard to throw comps when the rest of the house is so terrible at everything. Devin tells us that he’s worried about the target on his back, and that to try and deter that target he went and narced out the Bomb Squad to the two members of the house that weren’t already in it. Then Devin tells Derrick to put him on the block, which Derrick has no intention of doing, because Devin is probably only leaving out the backdoor.

bb163devinI ruined my own alliance, but I’m trying to win points back by squealing about it to everyone because I am a master strategist. 

Meanwhile, over in an alliance that isn’t a complete shit-show, Christine decides to tell Nicole all about the Bomb Squad before she hears is from someone else, which begs the question, how the fuck has Nicole not heard about the Bomb Squad from someone else? I guess that brings the list of people that don’t know about the Bomb Squad to Victoria. And with that it’s time to see the HoH room, which I couldn’t possibly be less interested in.

bb163hohroomLook at our completely sincere and in no way feigned enthusiasm. Yay!

After the other HGs feign interest in the photos and letters from home, Derrick and Nicole discuss what they’re gonna do that week. They play the process of elimination game to determine their nominees. Derrick wants Nicole to put up Amber, and he’ll put up Caleb and talk him into throwing the comp to save Amber, because that will finally earn her love because life is exactly like a romantic comedy.

bb163savingbitchesI hope the BoB comp involves running and stopping the other team before they can get on a plane…

Over in the hammock, Hayden is still trying like hell to flirt with Nicole, who is shooting him down left and right, which oddly doesn’t seem to bother him at all. I guess the life of a pedi-cab driving is rife with rejection.

bb163hammockShe hasn’t spit on me yet, so I’m golden. 

Derrick activates his super cop powers to go try and convince Caleb that volunteering to go on the block to save Amber is his own idea. And it works. Jesus, Derrick is crazy good at this shit. Cops are shady as fuck. Caleb says his queen is on the block and the king is going up to save her. He then goes and tells Amber what’s going to happen and about his amazing White Knighting idea to save his princess from the castle. Amber isn’t comfortable with the idea, probably because she’s scared that Caleb will somehow get creepier and MORE stalkery if he feels like Amber owes him.


Nicole pulls Donny aside to ask for his advice on who to put up next to Amber, and tells him the whole evil plan. Donny wants her to put up Christine because she was in the Bomb Squad with Amber. I would be shocked if Nicole flipped that fast. Donny runs off and tells a few other HGs that Caleb is going to throw the comp, which Amber overhears and runs off to snitch to Nicole, who decides that his squealing was a good reason to nominate him. Like a single person in that house has displayed even the slightest modicum of the ability to keep a secret.

bb163secretsSo is this a secret like the Bomb Squad was a secret?

Nomination time! Nicole nominates Amber and Donny, and Derrick nominates Jocasta and Caleb, which is great because Jocasta knows Caleb is about to throw this shit. If Devin winds up getting pulled for the Veto comp and wins that shit, things are gonna get nasty.

bb163nomsBut with integrity. Cause I play with integrity. 

Devin decides things around the house are decidedly not manic enough, so he heads up to HoH to ramble and pace and make a damn fool of himself. Devin is a cop though, and if there’s one things cops are certain of it’s that black people are all up to no good.

bb163crackSprinkle some crack on him…

Meanwhile, the useless houseguests are sitting around chatting and Victoria starts drilling Frankie about his family and what they’re like. Frankie SOOOO doesn’t want anyone to know, because that would draw unnecessary attention to him, and we all know Frankie hates attention.

bb163frankieOhmigod, hashtag-don’t look at me!

Team America gets their first mission, which is to spread a rumor that a current HG is related to a previous HG. They have to get three other people to keep the rumor going, and since they have a cop and a drama queen in the alliance, this all comes naturally. They decide to say that PooPoo told them Zack was related to Amanda. Donny says they should start spreading the rumor with the dumbest HG first, and they all agree that’s Caleb.

bb163teamamericaYou’re idiots, America, but for five grand a week, we’ll dance like monkeys for you.

Then Donny and Nicole cry together because Nicole feels bad and that makes Donny feel bad. He tells her it’s okay and it’s just a game, and Nicole tells him she’s upset he squealed about Caleb. Donny seems genuinely confused about the fact that he wasn’t supposed to go and tell the rest of the house about her game plan.

bb163doncoleYou have to instruct me to have basic common sense

Time for the BoB! Everyone is dressed like LARPers, and they’re all at “Frogwarts” because BB is neither clever nor interesting. It’s a running, jumping, putting a puzzle together challenge. Jocasta knows her partner is throwing things, so she only trusts in God, who makes a lousy challenge partner since everyone knows he’s busy deciding the results of the World Cup this week.

germanjesusGod has spoken

Amber turns out to be embarrassingly terrible at puzzles, and poor Donny tries like hell to coach her from the ground. Despite Caleb’s best efforts to throw this thing, it’s a pretty close race because Amber and Donny are sucking balls. They still manage to win, but just barely, and with that Derrick is the only HoH and Caleb and Jocasta are the nominees. Amber gives a Donny a kiss on the cheek, which means Caleb will probably come after him next for touching his “Queen.”

bb163hugMore action than Caleb’s seen all summer

That’s it for this week kids. Next time we’ll see if all this scamming pays off, or if Devin winds up screwing everything up by winning the Veto comp. As much as I don’t like him, I kinda hope he does, because watching HGs suffer is really the only thing that gets me through this terrible show.

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