The Bachelorette: Hometown Hopeful

Greetings, Trashies! It’s the week we’ve all been (kind of) waiting for. Let’s hope there’s lots of family drama and old girlfriends making appearances. Also, we’re going to watch Andi make Eric’s death all about herself! So, let’s get right to it.

The first hometown date is in Milwaukee, WI. “I’m super excited to be here in Milwaukee,” said no one ever before Andi. Seriously, the only thing that comes to mind when I think of Milwaukee is that scene from Wayne’s World. 

Nick meets Andi at his most favorite place in the city…a market. So, basically, Nick loves hanging out in a giant grocery store. The date gets much better when they take a tour of the Lakefront Brewery. There’s even a beer named Nick & Andi The Perfect Brew. OK, no snark here. If a guy ever names a beer after me, I will marry him right there on the spot. PopePhilly’s Milk Stout has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Beer
I love that it’s right next to Cream City.

Because Nick can’t afford to have a private concert, they dance a polka with a lot of other people! Nick says that polka is “a Milwaukee dance.” Despite the fact that it doesn’t exist anymore, Bohemia would like a word with you about that, Nick. Anyway, neither of them can dance and it’s just uncomfortable to watch. After all that, the two head to Nick’s parents’ house. Also, Nick is still the king of looking at the camera in the creepiest way possible.

creepy
Has no one pointed this out to him before?

They pull up to the house as Nick tells us that Andi is going to meet his very large family. I can’t even get all their names straight. There are ten siblings. I wouldn’t be surprised if Andi doesn’t choose Nick just so she doesn’t have learn all these names. On the upside, we don’t spend too much time with most of the family members. There’s just a montage of questions for Andi. Nick hangs out with one of his sisters and I have no idea which one this is.

nick with a wig
Or this could just be Nick wearing a wig.

It’s the same old conversation we hear every season. Sister is concerned, Nick says he’s in love, yada, yada, yada, Nick will still think he’s in love with Andi despite everyone else’s concerns. Then Andi sits down with the same sister (Nick in a wig) and they talk about relationships and how Andi feels about Nick. Obviously she can’t say what she’s really feeling. We all know that she picked the guy she wants by the second night at the latest. She’s not going to say, “He’s a good guy, but I like someone more,” or, “I’m totally going to pick him at the end of this thing.”

runs in the family
The creepy stare runs in the family.

After that, Andi sit’s down with Bella (Nick’s youngest sister). It’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen. Bella clearly just memorized a few questions. What kid wants to know if someone would choose looks or personality? The “Do you truly love my brother?” question was kind of weird. Bella proves no help because she can’t even remember the questions she asked Andi once Nick interrogates her. Nick just knows that Andi’s answer was “yes.” That’s not always a good thing. What if the question was, “Do you want to dump Nick tomorrow?”

It’s time for some mother-son bonding. It’s very teary. They’re both crying because they don’t want Nick to get hurt by falling in love too fast. Maybe she should have told him this before he went on The Bachelorette. There’s a little moment where Andi proves that she remembered everyone’s names and then it’s time for her to leave. Nick is starting to think of her as “his girl” and that’s just way too clingy for me at this point.

And now it’s time to travel to Iowa to see Farmer Chris. He tells us that Arlington, IA has a population of 758, “but today is has a population of 759.” I don’t think he did that math correctly. Andi clearly isn’t the only person visiting Arlington that day. Hell, we know at least the entire camera crew is there. Holy shit! Arlington makes my hometown look massive!

arlington
Arlington, IA

slatington
Slatington, PA

My God, it looks like a grew up in NYC compared to Chris. No one believes that Andi is really “super excited” to be on a farm. Despite the whole farmer image, Chris must be loaded. That house is huge, there are acres upon acres of land, a brand new pickup truck in his driveway, and farm equipment ain’t cheap. Speaking of farm equipment, the two take a ride on a tractor. That’s gotta be a step down from all the helicopters Andi is used to by now.

safety
This can’t be safe.

They drive the tractor. That’s about it. This might be the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. After that excitement (so much sarcasm), Andi and Chris sit down in the field to discuss his family. He’s got a lot of sister. They also talk about what Andi would do if she moved out here. Chris knows that she loves her job (that she quit immediately after the show ended), but he hopes that she could see herself living in Iowa. I love this segment because it leads to the most ridiculous statement I’ve ever heard in my entire life: “There is an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Now, I have nothing against homemakers. Everyone can do whatever they want. However, Chris really needs to know his audience. That’s not really something you say to an assistant DA. Hell, even though she did quit that job, I’m guessing Andi isn’t the type of woman who would want to take care of a house all day.

open
This is the face Andi makes as she tells Chris she’s open to living in Iowa.

It’s hilarious to me that Andi thinks that living in the suburbs of Atlanta and having a lake house in Alabama makes her a total country chick. There’s kind of a difference between “my daddy and I go hunting at our lake house” and living on a farm. Oh, shoot me in the face now. Just as Chris says, “Our love is definitely beginning to take off…”

get it
Get it?!

Andi thinks this is the cutest thing that anyone has ever done. If by “cute” she means “cliched and obnoxious.” Can we just meet the family and get it over with already?

elated
This is the face Chris makes when he says he’s elated for Andi to meet his family.

They arrive at the parents’ house and there is lots of screaming from the sisters. Tone it the fuck down, ladies. He was away for a few weeks filming a reality show. He wasn’t in a war zone for years. The moment they sit down for dinner, the fart jokes begin. Then we learn that, as a child, Chris didn’t wear underwear on weekends because he didn’t have to go to school. In a private conversation with Chris’ sisters, we learn that Chris is most likely loaded. One of the sisters (again, I can’t bother to learn their names because we’re not going to care in five minutes) says that Chris will never mention it, but he’s “phenomenally successful.” I’ll give Chris a lot of credit there. I have a lot of respect for someone who can be as well off as he is and not make a big deal about it.

Meanwhile, Chris and his mom are talking about weather or not Andi would want to live in Iowa. Chris’ mom has a really good point. If Andi really wants to be with Chris, she’ll figure out the “what will I do for a living” part later. A part of me is wondering why Chris wouldn’t consider moving to Atlanta if he ends up with Andi. Then again, being a farmer isn’t exactly something you can do everywhere.

All this talk about farming reminds me of this:

Any excuse for a Kids in the Hall reference. OK, back to the real show…

Then it’s time for Mom to do some bonding with her there’s-a-25%-chance-that-this-will-be-her-daughter-in-law conversation. Mom is trying to convince Andi to live on a farm and Andi is trying to convince herself that she loves her career. Once that is over, I get a little too excited that they’re playing Ghost In The Graveyard. That is the greatest fucking game ever! Everyone looks for the “ghost,” but he or she can totally move hiding spots. Once someone finds the ghost, he or she yells “GHOST IN THE GRAVEYARD!” Everyone has to run back to base before the ghost tags them. We always played in a way that anyone who was tagged became another ghost and the game ended when there was only one person left “alive.”

OK, yeah, I’m done now. Andi finds Chris right away and he says, “You’re so smart.” I don’t know if it really makes someone smart when they just find the guy with the entire camera crew and lights on him.

camera crew
LOOK HOW HIDDEN HE IS!

Chris continues his parade of cliches by calling Andi his missing puzzle piece.

A portrait of Andi and Chris.

Now we’re off to Tampa, FL. Josh is excited to show off Andi to his hometown. They start the day by going to the park show Josh can show her how much he loves baseball. He tells us this is him in his element. No, it’s not. This is not actually playing baseball. This is playing catch for a few minutes. Then Andi breaks a bat and tells us how turned on she is by Josh. Then they talk about itching and I’m just uncomfortable.

itch
Not sure if it’s the baseball itch or just scabies.

It makes me laugh so hard that Josh says, “I was gonna go to the hall of fame.” Really? Has anyone heard of Josh for his baseball career? He says he quit baseball because he wanted to be there for his younger brother Aaron. I’m guessing that’s code for, “I wasn’t very good at baseball, so I quit.” Eh, they talk some more about Aaron. Andi thinks it’s exciting for them to have one son hopefully being drafted to play pro football and another soon going off to be on TV maybe get married. Of those two, I think playing pro football is way more exciting than maybe getting married. Andi is worried that the entire night will be all about Aaron, because she can’t stand going more than five minutes without anyone paying attention to her.

Off to meet the family! There are hugs and introductions and everything we saw on the last two dates. Josh starts crying – mostly for his dog sable.

sable
In all fairness, she’s the cutest one on the show.

They all sit down to dinner and immediately start talking about Andi’s football career. The sports talk stops when Andi steps aside with Josh’s mom. Mom says that Josh is in love. I’m not sure how she sees that. I’ve never seen Josh and Andi actually getting along with one another. Anyway, Mom thinks that Josh will never cut the cord from his family. Andi is worried that she may have to go to a football game ever Sunday. Oh, shut the fuck up, Andi. That is the most ridiculous complaint I’ve ever heard. It is the very definition of “first world problems.” Also, I can’t imagine that Josh’s family will travel to every single away game. Furthermore, and most importantly, Aaron isn’t even on a team at this point! Why is Andi worried about something that may not even happen?

And we cut to the mother-son talk. Josh tells his mom that he’s falling in love and throws out a bunch of flattering adjectives about Andi. Josh’s siblings are a lot more encouraging than Mom. They both say they’re ready for Josh to move on with his life. He doesn’t have to support them anymore. Then they play some football in the backyard. Dear God, when did these hometown dates get so mind numbingly boring.

Speaking of boring, Marcus is still on this show. He really is just filler at this point, isn’t he? He’s taking her on his “typical day” in Dallas. So, his day involves driving around a bit. I guess it also involves Marcus recreating hi striptease from an earlier episode.

Tuesday
You know, just a normal Tuesday!

Andi tells us that this is “every girl’s dream.” I don’t know about any of you ladies out there, but my dream is not to get a private strip tease from one of the four guys I’m dating on TV. The rest of date is just them walking around town. That should be the subtitle of this season. The Bachelorette 10: Walking Around. There’s a bit of a twist in the plot here as the two go and sit down somewhere for a little while. They talk about his family and the people Andi is going to meet. There’s more talk about Marcus’ dad not being around and I’m over this sob story.

Meeting the family time. More greetings. More recapping of the day. Can you tell I’m totally over the monotony of this episode? Marcus’ niece made bracelets for Andi and Marcus. That’s the most interesting thing that happens. Then there’s some one-on-one time with Andi and his sister. Cathy (yeah, I actually learned a name for this one – I don’t know if I spelled it correctly, but it’s a step up) basically admits that Marcus develops feelings really quickly. Yeah, we’ve seen that all season.

Then it’s time for the “I’m so in love with Andi” talk between Marcus and his brother. There’s more stuff about their dad leaving and how grateful Marcus is that his brother was there for him. Cut to Andi with Marcus’ mom! Mom wants to know what is special about Marcus. Andi throws out a lot of generic words (confident, humble, open, etc.). Mom can see that Marcus is in love. Then we hear the same story again when Marcus talks to his mom. Yes, he’s in love. We get it. Andi does say that life with Marcus would be a fairy tale. At least we can drink.

I’ll say it with a Buffy gif. Thanks, Willow.

The hometown dates are over and we’re back at…Chris Harrison’s house? Oh, this is where he’s going to break the news about Eric’s death. Everyone immediately breaks down. Marcus is kind of a genius and uses this to get a little one-on-one time with Andi.

one on one
Smooth, Marcus. Smooth.

I have mixed feelings about this whole thing. I’m glad that the show acknowledged that someone who had been on this show died. It’s better than just ignoring it. However, showing the fifteen minutes of crying was just awkward. The production crew coming in with all the hugs was even weirder. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be sad, but some of it seems a bit manufactured to me. I’m not going to rant about it. You’ve all read my rants before on the subject.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris sits down with Andi to talk about it some more. It’s just a repeat of everything they’ve said in previous episodes. Let’s get right to the rose ceremony!

Oh, wait, we can’t do that. We have to watch Andi make Eric’s death all about herself one more time as she runs out of the room crying. OK, let’s get to this for real. The final three are:

Josh
Chris
Nick

And, right on time, Marcus leaves. I don’t care that Nick is an ass hole. At least he’s interesting. Marcus tells Andi that he’s not sure what he can do from here because Andi was his everything. Maybe he should learn that it’s a bad idea to fully invest his emotions in someone who is dating three other men? Just a thought.

Over the credits, we see an outtake from Chris’ hometown date. The last time he brought a girl home, they all wore red lipstick – even the men – just to see what his date would do. Honestly, I feel like that’s something my family would do. If Chris doesn’t end up with Andi, I’ll totally go live on a farm with them!

Anyway, that’s it for this week, Trashies. We’re almost there! Were you as bored as I was this week? Do you think next week will actually be interesting? Sound off below!

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