Greetings, Trashies! It’s the week we’ve all been (kind of) waiting for. Let’s hope there’s lots of family drama and old girlfriends making appearances. Also, we’re going to watch Andi make Eric’s death all about herself! So, let’s get right to it.
The first hometown date is in Milwaukee, WI. “I’m super excited to be here in Milwaukee,” said no one ever before Andi. Seriously, the only thing that comes to mind when I think of Milwaukee is that scene from Wayne’s World.
Nick meets Andi at his most favorite place in the city…a market. So, basically, Nick loves hanging out in a giant grocery store. The date gets much better when they take a tour of the Lakefront Brewery. There’s even a beer named Nick & Andi The Perfect Brew. OK, no snark here. If a guy ever names a beer after me, I will marry him right there on the spot. PopePhilly’s Milk Stout has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
Because Nick can’t afford to have a private concert, they dance a polka with a lot of other people! Nick says that polka is “a Milwaukee dance.” Despite the fact that it doesn’t exist anymore, Bohemia would like a word with you about that, Nick. Anyway, neither of them can dance and it’s just uncomfortable to watch. After all that, the two head to Nick’s parents’ house. Also, Nick is still the king of looking at the camera in the creepiest way possible.
They pull up to the house as Nick tells us that Andi is going to meet his very large family. I can’t even get all their names straight. There are ten siblings. I wouldn’t be surprised if Andi doesn’t choose Nick just so she doesn’t have learn all these names. On the upside, we don’t spend too much time with most of the family members. There’s just a montage of questions for Andi. Nick hangs out with one of his sisters and I have no idea which one this is.
It’s the same old conversation we hear every season. Sister is concerned, Nick says he’s in love, yada, yada, yada, Nick will still think he’s in love with Andi despite everyone else’s concerns. Then Andi sits down with the same sister (Nick in a wig) and they talk about relationships and how Andi feels about Nick. Obviously she can’t say what she’s really feeling. We all know that she picked the guy she wants by the second night at the latest. She’s not going to say, “He’s a good guy, but I like someone more,” or, “I’m totally going to pick him at the end of this thing.”
After that, Andi sit’s down with Bella (Nick’s youngest sister). It’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever seen. Bella clearly just memorized a few questions. What kid wants to know if someone would choose looks or personality? The “Do you truly love my brother?” question was kind of weird. Bella proves no help because she can’t even remember the questions she asked Andi once Nick interrogates her. Nick just knows that Andi’s answer was “yes.” That’s not always a good thing. What if the question was, “Do you want to dump Nick tomorrow?”
It’s time for some mother-son bonding. It’s very teary. They’re both crying because they don’t want Nick to get hurt by falling in love too fast. Maybe she should have told him this before he went on The Bachelorette. There’s a little moment where Andi proves that she remembered everyone’s names and then it’s time for her to leave. Nick is starting to think of her as “his girl” and that’s just way too clingy for me at this point.
And now it’s time to travel to Iowa to see Farmer Chris. He tells us that Arlington, IA has a population of 758, “but today is has a population of 759.” I don’t think he did that math correctly. Andi clearly isn’t the only person visiting Arlington that day. Hell, we know at least the entire camera crew is there. Holy shit! Arlington makes my hometown look massive!
My God, it looks like a grew up in NYC compared to Chris. No one believes that Andi is really “super excited” to be on a farm. Despite the whole farmer image, Chris must be loaded. That house is huge, there are acres upon acres of land, a brand new pickup truck in his driveway, and farm equipment ain’t cheap. Speaking of farm equipment, the two take a ride on a tractor. That’s gotta be a step down from all the helicopters Andi is used to by now.
They drive the tractor. That’s about it. This might be the most boring thing I’ve ever seen. After that excitement (so much sarcasm), Andi and Chris sit down in the field to discuss his family. He’s got a lot of sister. They also talk about what Andi would do if she moved out here. Chris knows that she loves her job (that she quit immediately after the show ended), but he hopes that she could see herself living in Iowa. I love this segment because it leads to the most ridiculous statement I’ve ever heard in my entire life: “There is an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Now, I have nothing against homemakers. Everyone can do whatever they want. However, Chris really needs to know his audience. That’s not really something you say to an assistant DA. Hell, even though she did quit that job, I’m guessing Andi isn’t the type of woman who would want to take care of a house all day.
It’s hilarious to me that Andi thinks that living in the suburbs of Atlanta and having a lake house in Alabama makes her a total country chick. There’s kind of a difference between “my daddy and I go hunting at our lake house” and living on a farm. Oh, shoot me in the face now. Just as Chris says, “Our love is definitely beginning to take off…”
Andi thinks this is the cutest thing that anyone has ever done. If by “cute” she means “cliched and obnoxious.” Can we just meet the family and get it over with already?
They arrive at the parents’ house and there is lots of screaming from the sisters. Tone it the fuck down, ladies. He was away for a few weeks filming a reality show. He wasn’t in a war zone for years. The moment they sit down for dinner, the fart jokes begin. Then we learn that, as a child, Chris didn’t wear underwear on weekends because he didn’t have to go to school. In a private conversation with Chris’ sisters, we learn that Chris is most likely loaded. One of the sisters (again, I can’t bother to learn their names because we’re not going to care in five minutes) says that Chris will never mention it, but he’s “phenomenally successful.” I’ll give Chris a lot of credit there. I have a lot of respect for someone who can be as well off as he is and not make a big deal about it.
Meanwhile, Chris and his mom are talking about weather or not Andi would want to live in Iowa. Chris’ mom has a really good point. If Andi really wants to be with Chris, she’ll figure out the “what will I do for a living” part later. A part of me is wondering why Chris wouldn’t consider moving to Atlanta if he ends up with Andi. Then again, being a farmer isn’t exactly something you can do everywhere.
All this talk about farming reminds me of this: