Million Dollar Listing New York Recap: Spit or Swallow?

Howdy, Trashmii!! I hope you all enjoyed your week away from the City and the looniness of our beloved agents.

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WELL, ONE OUT OF THREE AIN’T….NEVER MIND

This week, it looks like Ryan will have to humble himself at the Altar of Freddi. Can’t wait to see how that goes, so let’s get to it!

We begin with Fredrik. He is on his way to Bowery after having sold the other units on Mercer for a total commission of $369K. Fredrik has a listing appointment at 250 Bowery. He is meeting with Zach, the developer selling the “isn’t that in Chinatown” property on Park last season. The Bowery building has 24 units to sell.

The Bowery building is designed with an industrial feel. Fredrik explains that, while most developers are building larger, more exclusive apartments, Zach is putting smaller, more “affordable” (using that term loosely) units into this building, starting at two bedrooms, 800 square feet. He is also including four huge penthouses.

Apparently, there is something called an “Offering Plan,” a “promise” to the buyer that needs to be approved by the government. Being ever diligent for you, my Trashmii, I looked it up. Apparently, this Plan tells a buyer about the types of facades, amenities, materials, etc., that are being offered/used in the building. Prices will not be set and Fredrik cannot sell until the Plan is approved, so he tells Zach he will leak out preliminary estimates and on the day the Plan is approved, throw a big, non-Speakeasy themed party to introduce the building.

Zach tells Fredrik he has been speaking to other brokers, despite the sales Freddi has brought him in the past.

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FREDDI SLAPS ZACH UPSIDE THE HEAD

Zach agrees to give Fredrik the listing, for a potential commission of over $1.3 million.

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SAY IT WITH ME, FOLKS!

Luis, our hapless little Belizean, is once again getting someone else to do his work for him collaborating with another broker in his firm, Antonia. He is pitching a property on Riverside Boulevard because Keller Williams has seen how bad Luis is making them look she has seen his temper tantrums passion and wants him to help her lose with the sale. The seller is an actress whose parents are fleeing to Florida.

We meet Jewel, whom I have never seen before. I guess she is an “actress” kind of like I am “Kate Middleton.” The apartment has amazing water views and some Oscar winners living there.

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OOOO – LET’S HOPE IT’S DRUNKY McDRUNKERSON!!

Jiminy Christmas, y’all! Here’s some real estate porn for your enjoyment:

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Jewel’s parents bought the apartment nine years ago. She wants to sell it for $10 – 10.5 million. Luis tells Jewel that price ain’t-a gonna happen. Jewel, opportunist little name dropper that she is, says A-Rod’s apartment isn’t nearly as well laid out as this one, so it should go for more than comp. Jewel calls Luis a pussy and tells him to sell the damn apartment. Luis suggests $7.2. Antonia suggests $9.25. Luis thinks Antonia is an idiot, but Jewel agrees to that price.

Fredrik is having broker consultations regarding the Bowery building. One broker introduces Fredrik to his client, Passion. Yeah. I shit you not. Bet she’s done pageants since she was in uteri.

Fredrik reminds them that there is no Offering Plan yet, so he can only give them estimates and bare bones information. Passion tells Fredrik that she is looking to buy one apartment to live in and one to turn tricks in for investment. Fredrik is getting the brokers excited about the property so the buyers will be lining up when the Offering Plan comes through.

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SMART AND BEAUTIFUL

Ryan is meeting with John, an investment buyer. John is seeking a one bedroom for about $750K. John mentions 250 Bowery. Fredrik’s buzz is working and everyone is asking Ryan about it. Ryan is guessing that Fredrik would not like to do business with him. Ryan tries to dissuade John to no avail.

Humble Pie

TIME FOR SOME OF THIS. (Super Supreme With Nuts and Sprinkles Tiara if you get the reference!)

Ryan asks Olivia to slit his wrists give him Fredrik’s number. Flashback to Ryan dissing Fredrik in the past – and present when he wonders aloud how many bathroom walls Fredrik’s number is written on. Ryan acts like a pussy steels himself and calls Fredrik. Ryan tells him he has a buyer that wants in on 250 Bowery. Fredrik strings him along for a while before asking for an email and time to think.

Ryan says that Fredrik is a DICK, that working with him will SUCK, and that he will have to SWALLOW his pride, but that will be the only thing he swallows.

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DOESN’T LOOK THAT WAY TO ME

Luis is still bitching about Antonia pricing the apartment too high. He comes up with the great idea of ripping Ryan’s idea off making a movie to highlight the apartment.

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THEN HE IS GOING TO PHOTOSHOP RYAN NOT SWALLOWING INTO TO FINAL CUT

Luis tells us that he was originally in New York for film school. I am certain that the real estate market in NYC wishes he still were. Jewel showcases her horrendous marginal-at-best acting skills until Luis, the FILM SCHOOL ATTENDEE, runs out of memory card.

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THEREBY ENDING YET ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL CAREER

Fredrik is at his office continuing to meet people about the building. Ryan is included in a group meeting. Ryan starts complaining about the size of the bedrooms and pushing him on price. Fredrik gives ranges. Fredrik says there are 750 people on the waiting list for 24 units. That means Fredrik gets to pick to whom he will sell.

Ryan is telling the clients that the range of prices has been set on Bowery. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Fredrik has gone out of his way to stress that the paperwork with the city is not complete and no prices have been set. Ryan meets with John to tell him that Fredrik is a “cock hole” (Ryan’s words). John is happy that there is so much interest in Bowery since he is an investor, and tells Ryan he will go straight to Fredrik if he needs to. Ryan promises John he will get him into the building.

Luis is having a film screening an open house at the Riverside apartment. Oh, God – Brother Dearest is here. There is a red carpet and paparazzi. There are about 15 people there.

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LOVE THE EXPRESSIONS! PERFECTLY SUMS UP THE EXTENT OF OUR POOR LITTLE CUBAN’S SELF-DELUSION (AND JEWEL’S, TOO)

I am glad they served wine at this open house because there was a LOT of cheese! Of course, Luis has to class it up by dropping the F-bomb yet again. Everyone tells Luis that the price is too high.

Ryan is meeting with Fredrik. After checking to make sure Fredrik isn’t packing a green tea slushie, Ryan says he will play nice. Ryan lies apologizes to Fredrik for being such a dick to him in the past. Ryan tells Fredrik that he wants in on Bowery. Fredrik reminds Ryan that Ryan hates him. Ryan blames “pressure” as they flash back to some of Ryan’s attacks on Fredrik. Fredrik calls bullshit and tells Ryan that what Ryan likes is the commission he is going to make off Fredrik.

Fredrik agrees to try a new relationship with Ryan. Fredrik suggests a double date. Fredrik is testing Ryan’s sincerity.

Luis is at his office when Antonia walks in. She tells him they have an offer on Riverside for $7 million – Luis’ suggested price from the beginning. Luis calls Jewel with the offer. Jewel is underwhelmed. She wants to wait, but Luis tries to talk her out of it. Jewel wants to think about it.

Fredrik tells Ryan to high kick in order to help win him over. Fredrik reminds him to use the dinosaur hands.

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EXECUTED LIKE A TRUE STRAIGHT GUY

Fredrik and Derek are walking down the street when Fredrik tells Derek he wants to show him a client’s apartment. My Spidey sense starts tingling. They walk into a large room that is being renovated when – gasp – the phone rings. Fredrik answers it “Fredrik Eklund residence” – and there is another property not subject to the prenup. Sigh.

Fredrik is at Zach’s office. He is showing him computer renderings of the finished apartments that are going to be shown at the party. There are 850 buyers on the waiting list. Zach wants to raise the prices since the interest is so high. Fredrik remind him of the ranges he quoted realtors. Zach wants $2000 per square foot. Fredrik is concerned.

Luis received an offer of $6.5 million on the apartment. He is hoping this lower offer will bring Jewel around. Jewel says she is perfectly happy sponging off her parents’ apartment for 10 more years while her “acting” career consists of property listing videos and hanging out at the rear door of the Paramount Theatre. Show of hands: how many think either: 1) the apartment was never really for sale; or 2) Jewel just wanted to do this to be discovered?

It’s date night, y’all!! Ryan brings a nice, normal looking girl named Kendra, who then blows it by admitting that she and Ryan just met the night before when Ryan was trolling around escort services college bars looking for someone who would not be totally repulsed by him.

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AND WHO CHARGES BY THE HOUR

Kendra is 19. Ryan defends his fetish with children by saying that Fredrik must be at least 50, Derek is 15 years younger, and they met on the Internet. Hey, now, Mr. S-Natch and I met on the Internet and we are very happily married. Just so long as I don’t go into the basement. Or the garage. Or ask about the apartment he has rented across town. Bliss!

Ryan tries to blow smoke up Fredrik’s ass by saying how much he admires him and has followed his career forever. Derek calls Ryan out on jumping in the pool. Ryan apologizes for being a dick to Fredrik. Ryan insists on paying the tab. Fredrik invites him to the 250 Bowery party.

Fredrik is preparing for the Bowery party which is being held at a restaurant. He is serving signature cocktails – The Fredrik and 250 Bowery. Fredrik admits that he is nervous about telling people the raise in prices. Ryan arrives. Fredrik tells him the price of apartment 4C – $1.095 million. Ryan is furious. He assumes that Fredrik knew all along that the price would go up. More fireworks next week!

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What do you think, Trashmii? Did Jewel use the show to promote herself? Should Luis have stuck with film school? Did Ryan get his comeuppance or was Fredrik insufferable? Speak, my lovelies!!