Toddlers & Tiaras MiniCap
Fun fact: we should probably start waving the white flags in front of China, because Trashmiis, it’s over for the American public if this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras is any indication of our idiocy. God knows we’ve already lost the one thing we’re good at – obesity – to MEXICO! Man, we really do like to outsource our best jobs!
It was cooch central for both kids and parents this week, and I was horrified – HORRIFIED that super-brat and head kid cooch Brenna has rejoined us as a bigger bitch than she was when she was first on this show. This kid is freakin’ horrible – what a complete waste of a sperm and egg. I am shocked her parents find this behavior acceptable – she screams, yells, demands things, calls them names and is just a horrible person. If only we could find some way to make her an organ donor so kids who deserved to live could. Wait – I know! We could put a bag over her head! Something thick and plastic! But kudos to the camera operator who chased her down the hall as she was freaking out fearing that someone on the crew might have said something to the effect that she was not beautiful. Which is not in any way, shape or form what was said. Stupid kid.
Next up is the stupidly named Sophia-Rayne whose mom says they are part Cherokee – NOBODY IS, you moron! Man, I cannot take it when someone is like, “I’m 1/32nd Navajo.” No, you are not. So the mom continues to be stupid through her interviews, saying S-R is dressing like a “Native American Indian” for the pageant – pick one, it’s either Native American or Indian. Otherwise you’re mixing dots with feathers and that just doesn’t work. But S-R is pretty cute despite her dumb mom.
The hilarious thing? The show does these “Fun Fact” pop-ups that show us mom clearly knows nothing about her “Native American” heritage. She’s just making shit up about Cherokees that she basically got off of Looney Tunes back in the 50s. And S-R’s costume is kind of Aztec meets Sante Fe style circa 1985. So smooooooooth.
And finally…crap! It’s Coach Cooch again, talking smack and being ripped on all over Facebook, boo hoo. Turns out that lemon-headed, klassless Pageant Should Die-rector Chasity has been trashing on her to the pageant world. Go figure. Hope someone finally smacks Chasity down…I mean, don’t shit where you eat, sister. She’s coaching some kid named Madison who has her own klassless mom who doesn’t mind a large amount of swearing around her kid. So it’s awesome all around this evening!
No spoiler alerts except that Brenna is even uglier on the inside and out than she was years ago. Like we didn’t see this coming. This kid is going to be a nightmare adult, assuming someone doesn’t accidentally push her off a bridge or she runs head first into a brick over and over and over again. But given her parents’ ages, she’ll probably just inherit a lot of money and be a monster until she drops dead and her 32 cats eat her face off and they have to identify her by her black soul.
Too much? Because I really hate this kid, she is horrible. Nothing a set of jumper cables, a wet towel and a group of Trashmiis couldn’t fix. I bet she could see us next Tuesday about that too.
Coach Cooch thinks because she’s young she can do whatever she wants…sadly, she also thinks she can because she’s “smart.” As if. But hey, if you stay in your little corner of the world, that might work for you. For a few more years. However, Madison gets pissy because she doesn’t know her routine, and ends up kicking Coach Cooch, who gets pissed and walks off. Serves her right.
Coach Cambrie makes a showing and I swear to God, every time she’s on Stacy and Clinton are in New York shuddering for reasons unknown. Please stop shopping at the strip club, it’s really aging you. But at least she’s smiling – guess the meds have finally kicked in.
Seriously? BAG HER!
And looks like Miss Carla is the emcee? God bless, she’s as hard a’workin’ lady as Ni-Ni. Someone please put her on Christian Mingles, she could use the break I think, and nice guy who can provide her with very chubby babies.