Hi, you fabulous Trashtalkers, you! A giant thanks to MisRed for covering for me last week so I could take Sonja’s “Lady Morgan’s ASSets: A spiritual journey – choosing panties for any occasion” workshop. I got thrown out on day one when I asked Sonja if I could just wear my “days of the week” panties. I live in a world where it’s laundry day everyday.
Oh, and did you hear the gossip that all the ladies got 86’d for next season with the exception of Ramona? If that’s true, Rameaner probably has some really good blackmail material on Miss Andy. Sheesh.
Okay, as Mario says to his Hampton’s mistress “Let’s get to it.”
We open with Kristen and Heather having a dinner date with their husbands. Kristen seems to have gotten into her model-head that Heather “shit” on her during the Montana trip. I used to be team Kristen but her constant whining, martyrdom and misplaced anger is getting on my last good nerve. Kristen says she wants her husband to “understand my side of it” in her fight with Heather. Then during dinner, Kristen bitches to Heather about how she has repeatedly uprooted her life for her husband. So, I guess Kristen wants sympathy from Heather for her life with her crappy husband and sympathy from her crappy husband over her fight with Heather. Kristen is dumb (as she says she is) if she can’t figure out that she’s not going to get sympathy from either one of them since they’re a matched set of driven, competitive business folk. The only other thing I want to say about this scene: I have a little bit of a goy crush on Heather’s husband. Isn’t he just ADORABLE? I wish they made him in Econo-size.
Moving on. Ramona, Mario and their off-spawn, Avery, are gathered around a piano. Is this my funeral? Mario is working on a song for Ramona that he’ll be singing in a few days at the “Iconic” Birdland. Speaking of birds, Ramona is flapping and squawking excitedly in her family’s direction. “You own the stage, Mario. I just want dad to upstage LuAnn, ’cause LuAnn thinks she’s such a great singer.” So, you want your husband to sing a love song to you so he can possibly make another woman feel bad about her lack of talent? Keep it Klassy, Ramona.
Ramona’s “gay husband” Shane shows up to play the piano for Ramona’s “straight” husband. Is this my funeral? Mario says to Shane “it’s a very pretty ballad you wrote. It’s called ‘Effortless’?” Record scratch! Wait. What? So, Mario commissioned Ramona’s BFF to write a love song for Ramona. Did I hear that correctly? Hahahaha. I guess writing this song was truly “Effortless” for good ol’ Mario.
I’m impressed at how well Shane plays the piano since most RH Gay Husband side kick’s just apply makeup or pick outfits-or fights. I’m not used to any of them having serious talents. #Waytogoshane! Ramona can’t remain still or quiet for the very short song.
First she twitches and does eye gymnastics…
Did you just squirt acid into your eye again or is Mario singing, Ramona?
Then she insults Mario…
“IS IT THE WRONG KEY FOR YOU? IT SOUNDS LIKE IT’S THE WRONG KEY..”
Then she does some product placement for Ramona Pinot Grigio and/or AA…
“Ramona Pinot Grigio-For the times when your alcoholism isn’t choosy!”
OMG. Stop, Ramona! Seriously guys, I just timed Mario’s song and he was singing for a whooping 38 seconds. Ramona could not be quiet or still for 38 seconds. And they say the youth of today has a short attention span! Avery, in stark contrast to her mom, doesn’t open her mouth for the entire scene and gives her dad a “not bad” shrug at the end of the song.
Not bad, dad.
Shane asks Mario what he will wear for the performance. Mario jokes that maybe he’ll do a costume change like Elvis. Is this my funeral? Ramona says “don’t come out like Elvis, ’cause Kristen will come out and start jumping all over you and kissing you.” Did anyone else think that Mario looked very guilty (and very turned on) when Ramona said this? I think this was taped one month into Mario’s cheating scandal, non?
Guilty! Busted, dad!
For some comic relief, we go over to Sexy Sonja’s
Grey garden to watch her interview Julia – yet another fucking prospective intern. Julia looks like a sweet kid and for her well-being I hope she doesn’t get the internship. But, just in case, Sonja “hires” her – I’d like to name her “Water” since she nervously sipped water during the whole interview. See?! I too, have learned from Sonja’s world class branding and business expertise!
“Water” Named by Hepburn. “Pickles” Named by Sonja.
Sonja blathers on some delusional Sonja Co. gibberish to poor Julia. Julia’s luck goes further South with the arrival of Aviva.
RUN, JULIA! That’s not a mythical bush monster–that’s Aviva!
Sonja tells us that “I’ve gone out of my way to create the most serene setting for the news I’m about to deliver to Aviva. “What makes a place “serene” to Aviva?
Water (in the fountains) flowing. Check. I guess Sonja got around to paying her DWP bill.
Lemons. Check. Is Sonja now friends with Yolanda?
Nothing SCREAMS serene like an evil looking Cupid armed with a limey looking Lemon.
And lots of food. Check. I wish this was my funeral.
Now, that Sonja has created a relaxing atmosphere she can get down to business: “The girls got a long really well…except talking about you the entire time.”
Serenity: The Movie. Serenity: Sonja’s non-serene guest.
Sonja throws all the other ladies under the bus: “they think you’re lying about your illness. They think the doctors note was fake etc. Sonja even throws her BFF under the giant Honey wagon-sized bus by saying “Actually Ramona said the real reason you didn’t come is you can’t go anywhere without Reid.” Recycled story lines much?
Aviva takes this news as poorly as you think she would. I’d tell you what Aviva said, but my brain goes into self-preservation mode when she starts speaking, so I only heard something like Charlie Brown teacher’s “wa, waah, wah, wahh wa.” You can quote me on that.
But of course, this scene wouldn’t be complete without Aviva taking a drag out of her new inhaler and Sonja doing duck face.
Fuck face and Duck face.
Next scene we visit Carole at her apartment while it’s being renovated around her. Carole is doing a promotional mailing of her book with the aid of her new assistant, Katherine. Yay! It’s the cool chick that we saw during the ridiculous interview day!
Katherine aka ‘Envelope stuffer’ by Sonja’s Patented Name and Branding method.
Carole lets it slip that she dated Ralph Fiennes when she corrects her assistant for pronouncing his first name the way it’s spelled. Carole has some impressive notches on her salt lick. Hee haw.
Meanwhile across town, the unholy trinity of Kristen, Ramona and Sonja are doing the requite seasonal visit to a plastic surgeon for some kind of fake sounding procedure.
Dr. Sharon Giese aka “Fat Melter” according to Sonja’s best-selling “Naming!” Method.
The girls talk about each others bodies. Sonja tries too hard to be entertaining and sexual. Yawn. Keep your hands inside the tram as I step on the gas so we can moooooooove on.
We go to Kristen’s apartment where she’s making dinner for her douche bag husband. Kristin asks her 5 year old son if he thinks daddy will notice if the lettuce isn’t washed and if he knows where the salad spinner is located. Kristen seems to be really trying to live up to her opening credit title cards.
She has nothing made then calls her husband to see why he’s late. If you have seen any other episode this season, you know how this scene will play out: she nags, he blows up, she cries, she nags further, they both shout in front of the kids, the kids look like they die a little more inside, they call a truce with a little passive aggressive humor. That’s what happens tonight.
Kristen should throw out her clock–or Douche Nozzle husband should set it an hour behind.
FF. Next scene, Sonja and Dubin go on a picnic date in the park. Sonja is laying it on THICK with Harry “You’ve never looked better, Harry. I Love you, Harry. Your Mother Loves me. You’ve always given me the best!” Sonja used to say she was the queen of playing hard to get. If this is hard to get, her easy must be….
Fill in the blank.
Bravo editors’ keep ping ponging between Sonja’s lovey dovey dinner date and Kristen’s bitchy dinner. I couldn’t get a clear pick of the slop that Kristen “cooked” but it looked like something from Jabba the Hutt’s anal cavity. Sonja wins date night.
Next scene, we visit Countess Lu and “Jawkes” in the park. They’re doing a professional photo shoot with their two dogs. Oh merde. Two seconds into this scene, I see they’re not getting along. Jawkes is ragging on Lu in French through gritted teeth.
“What a stupid, Idiotic idea.”
It’s super awkward and I really feel for Lu. I hope Sonja’s facialist didn’t have anything to do with this fight. Loud-mouthed Bitch.
We FINALLY get to the flipping open mic at Birdland. Most of the ladies are there with the exception of Carole (too bad) and Aviva (thank God). Dubin tells Sonja they should do it in the bathroom sometime during the eve. Ramona prattles on about how she doesn’t think Lu is going to sing because she doesn’t have auto tune etc. while Mario is working on his song. Mario yells “Quiet! I don’t want to talk to you!” at Ramona, his “Effortless”muse. Ha!
Ramona sits behind Countess Lu and cruelly teases her. “You’re afraid to sing because you don’t have auto tune. If you’re a singer, you can learn a song in one day. She’s a chicken shit. I hear Heather’s better than you. You’re nervous.” It’s really sad to see Ramona taunting Lu especially after watching all the relationship tension the scene prior. The Countess tells Ramona to STFU and adds a wonderful “You Cow” at the end. Bart Simpson is happy somewhere.
Mario takes the stage and does a passable job on a love ballad written by someone else for someone he just told to shut up. Did anyone else notice that Ramona’s gay husband said the song was for Ramona but Mario never said it? I’m humoring myself by thinking Mario is singing to his ho bag mistress.
Mario doing his best Harry Connick Jr/ Frank Sinatra/ Washed up Lounge singer impression.
Bravo editors show Ramona and Mario via love montage, wonderfully punctuated by..
Dubin mouth raping some Buffalo wings.
Heather takes the stage to sing. Apparently, she was originally only supposed to sing back up to the Countess. Whatevs. Heather belts out Bill Bailey with confidence. She does a great job – especially for a housewife. Let’s hope Heather doesn’t think she did that well, since the last thing this world needs is another Housewife ITunes “hit.”
Holler, gurl! P.S. Heather looked wonderful too!
Okay, thanks for reading recap number 789 in this never ending season.
Yay, this episode is ovah!
Next week we will get some tears from Lu, a bday party for Carole and some marriage counseling with the Bickersons. Oy.
With some Philly Love,
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