RHOC Recap: It CAN Get Worse!
Oy, with the taaaaalking this episode. It felt like one long therapy session interspersed with dog and swimsuit shopping. We pick up where we left off, with David talking Shannon down from the ledge outside of the restaurant. She’s practically hyperventilating as she explains that she – just – can’t – take – other – people’s – opinions – about –their – relationship! It’s – making – crazy – in the – head! God, people who use the phrase “crazy in my head” are sooooo much crazier than they know. David’s pretty practiced at being a Shannon Calmer-Downer (what a great movie that would be), so with a few delicate words, a hug, and what appears to be a pat on the ass, the couple makes their way back to the table.
Vicki insightfully interviews that she desperately wants to help the Beadors through this time. She recognizes a lot of herself in Shannon – she claims to have picked poor Donn to death and attributes that lovely quality to part of what killed their marriage. She also makes it a point to say that had she and Donn surrounded themselves with supportive people who encouraged them to stay together (i.e. not Tamra), they might have had a shot. She resolves to be that for the Beadors, and makes good when they return to the table. It was so sweet, and I’m tasting vomit as I say this, the way Vicki and Brooks are so totally lovely and understanding in the most perfect way when the Beadors return. Shannon tries to apologize, but the other couple will have none of it, and are totally understanding of what a hard time the Beadors are having. They toast, drink more tequila, get back on their party horse and head out to Andele’s. As expected, it does not disappoint.
Vicki interviews that she and Brooks don’t go crazy in Orange County ever because there are too many prying eyes. So, they instead head to Mexico, birthplace of the Donkey show, to let loose on national television. Oooooh…. Vicki. Vicki does hilariously and needlessly point out that Shannon is way more fun than Heather ever has been, and I titter to think how much and how often Vicki will choose fun and crazy over boring and grounded.
Back in OC, Tamra heads to Cu*t with that dumbass baby slung under her arm. I really love being able to type “dumbass baby” without fear of repercussion. So thank you, Tamra. And thank you producers for creating this incredibly staged storyline. Surprise, surprise, Tamra’s not into the robot baby business anymore. I guess it was a rude awakening to find out she wasn’t renting a Cabbage Patch doll for a few weeks. At the end of the day, she’s too old for this shit, she says – but not too old to gossip about other people’s marriages! She and Ryan head into a meeting with Eddie, and while the presence of the baby lightens the mood here and there, it’s pretty clear that Ryan and Eddie’s relationship is headed down the same prickly pear path to destruction as Ryan and Simon’s relationship. Mostly because Ryan’s a REBEL and no one tells him what to DO!
Basically the meeting is about how Eddie royally fucked up the floors of the gym and it’s going to cost them $30,000 to repair. He’s behaving pretty typically for someone in possession of a modicum of machismo. To wit, he’s not hearing about how any of this was his fault, and instead puts pressure on Tamra and Ryan to sell memberships at an inflated rate so they can eventually pay for a new floor. Ryan’s all, “Well, it’s hard to charge more for something that suddenly became shittier, but sure, Boss. I’ll give it the ol’ college try. Ha! Just kidding, what’s college?” Yeah, this business is going to go so spectacularly under next season.
With that, we’re onto Heather and Terry as they take their brood out for dinner. Heather’s well into her second martini as she voiceovers how it’s important she set a good example for her children so one day, ONE day, they’ll be able to all go out for dinner in public without her having to have the nanny come pick up the kids within 30 minutes to take them for ice cream. It’s a pretty funny chorus of “Dad! Dad! Dad!” and my precious Collette gleefully crying her eyes out until Nanny shows up to take haul them away. Left to their own devices, Heather and Terry decide that now is the PERFECT time to get a dog.
Heather tries to mince words about how she really does want to be the kind of person who rescues a dog, but… she’s not that person. And are we really surprised? Surprised that Heather Dubrow does not want some mangy mutt that could have been sexually abused by its birth family and come out all kinds of fucked up? No, we are not surprised. Not surprised at all. She talks a big game of bullshit about making some donation of money and toys to a shelter, and Terry calls her out perfectly by snapping something about assuaging guilt. Heather, not one to be called out on her hypocrisy, ESPECIALLY by her own husband, pouts about that remark until he shuts up. Heather, you and Terry are both materialistic assholes. Revel in your label-whoring, McMansion-building, shallowness and stop pretending you have a soul. I, for one, would enjoy watching that so much fucking more.
The morning after their big night out in PV, Vicki plans a horseback riding trip for everyone, but also secretly sets up a romantic lunch for David and Shannon. It’s… really fucking cute. What is happening??!!!!! Get out of my head, Gunvalson! Shannon interviews that she and David had a great time last night, and it proves to her that not only can they get past fighting and have a good time, they still really enjoy each other. That said, she’s fucking wiped, so when Vicki springs lunch on them after a their horseback ride, Shannon adorably has to play polite guest once again to their well-meaning, but misguided hostess.
Then, as if we were interested in anything else but what was about to happen during this lunch, we cut to Lizze trying to peddle her swimwares to a store in Orange County. That is literally almost the same thing as selling fucking ice to Eskimos. Also, I didn’t think I could care less about Lizzie, but I am far more interested in what’s going on with my folded laundry than I am with whether or not this store pickes up her stupid swimsuits. But, for posterity’s sake, OMG, will Lizzie get into this store?
Yes, if the store wants to be on television again. Mystery fucking solved.
Back to Shannon and David, their marriage in shambles and a topic I’m actually interested in. Vicki’s romance plan doesn’t go exactly as planned considering the couple weeps throughout most of it, but they do seem to come to some sort of reconciliation. Or, at least that’s what Shannon interviews at the end of it. I couldn’t really make heads or tails of what was actually going on, so it’s possible they’re in the process of getting divorced as we speak, and Shannon’s just more deluded than usual this episode. I hope not. They decide to talk about the argument they had night before, and we get a little more insight into why David might have thought Shannon was getting on his case about the tequila. Apparently, at the hoedown, after he did a shot with a hot blond and completely ignored his wife, he got wasted and kind of offensive. Granted, he was saying lewd things to Heather Dubrow, so I want to give him $100, but Shannon obviously does not see it that way. She explains to David that while last night she wasn’t making a pointed comment out David’s newfound love of that sweet, Mexican nectar, she has in the past because she doesn’t like who he becomes when he drinks that much. David snits that he just wants to be happy at this point in his life, and he doesn’t want her to tell him what to do. Then there’s a bunch of hemming and hawing about spending more time together, forgiving each other and more being happy, and it seems like they decide not to get a divorce for the time being. That said, I don’t see them taking any real steps to work out their issues beyond crying and fighting on camera, so I’m still nervous for them.
Shannon ends the segment interviewing that she and David are in a hopeful place, but this was one of the most painful days of her life. Somewhere, Gunvalson is watching this and patting herself on the back.
Back in the OC, Tamra and Eddie have shipped their demon robot baby back from whence it came, and they call the service to see how well they did taking care of it. 40%. Damn. This explains… so very much. And even though Tamra found the idea of a baby at her age distasteful, she has the gall to fake tears when Eddie vehemently announces the obvious – that he doesn’t want a fucking kid. Tamra’s just heartbroken at this very unsurprising news, or as heartbroken as she can pretend to be without being able to produce tears. Apparently she was holding out hope that they would have a child together, given one “maybe” Eddie uttered a few years ago with his mouth full before they were even engaged. If I know Tamra, I have a feeling that even though she also does not want a kid, when she says she accepts Eddie’s decision, that is a colossal pile of bullshit, and she will hold him denying her a baby over his head for many years to come.
Back in PV, it’s time for another episode of “Deceptively Well-Adjusted Couple with Vicki and Brooks.” Shannon, David, Vicki and Brooks sit down for their final dinner, and toast to a great trip. Shannon’s had a nap and hopefully a Xanax so she’s on a nice even keel. Which is good, because the subject of Tamra is brought up and she’s persona non grata with, like, 80% of the table. Watching this segment made me think that Tamra must stuff her purse with roofies and hypnotherapists because even though Vicki and Shannon agree that she is a total fucking liar and very destructive, she’s just buckets of fun, so they’ll probably continue hanging out with her. Brooks and David give some side-eye to this idea, but before they can really get a word in, the Vicki and Shannon start demonizing Heather and the opportunity is lost. Oh, man, Dubrow. You didn’t stand a fucking chance this season.
Speaking of which, The Dubrows totally copied off of the Obamas and got the same hypo-allergenic dogs that hang out in the White House. Oh, Christ, of course Heather’s children would be riddled with allergies. Why did I not see that coming? She’s going to grow up with three Aviva’s on her hands if she’s not careful. Not Collette, of course. Collette is perfect and will take over the world. I cannot wait to join her army of darkness. In preparation for the dogs, Terry and Heather put together a dog pen and Collette BECAUSE SHE IS PERFECT utters the incredibly telling line, “Daddy, is that for me?” To which, Terry, of course responds in the positive. Did anyone else watch that and feel like Collette asked that because this wouldn’t be the first time they’ve put in her a cage.
We exit out on two favorites, Tamra and Vicki, and they both actually behave like palatable people this week. Again, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? This businesss messes with my head, Bravo. Cut. It. Out. The two ladies get together and have coffee, and Vicki basically, honestly and maturely dresses Tamra down for blabbing Shannon’s personal life to Heather. Tamra, for her part, feels like, and I quote, an “asshole.” Tamra’s pretty mature herel, too, but not mature enough not to totally throw Heather under the bus at every opportunity (a la, “Well, I was wrong, but she was WAY wronger.”). The two women bicker a little bit over their past fights and how both of them fucked with each other’s relationships, then the episode ends with Vicki telling Tamra to stop gossiping and Tamra agreeing, all the while making a joke about Donn’s tiny penis. BTW, I call bullshit. I always thought Donn was a grower, not a shower, and Vicki’s cavernous vagina simply could not be satisfied by anything less than something freakishly large.
And that’s where we leave you this week, Trashtalkers! It looks like next week Shannon well and truly goes off the fucking deep end, so it’ll be really nice and exciting for everyone. Until then, my dears!!!
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