Ladies of London Recap: Absolutely In Hysterics

Hi gang: It’s Miss Kitty, recapping the latest Ladies of London. Or should it be “Irrational weeping crybabies of London”? Jesus. This week, Juliet crawls further up Caroline’s bum and stays there, Caprice and Caroline’s rift widens, Noelle, in between moving in with Scotttt is turning into a hooker-ish Switzerland, Marissa becomes a citizen AND starts a tear stained daisy chain, and Annabelle gets hurt. Okay. Why don’t you follow me? Psst. I hate the theme song. HATE.
It’s a beautiful sunny morning at the Inn where Caroline, Juliet, Marissa, and Noelle stayed while Caprice, Annabelle and Julie stayed at Mapperton, Julie’s future estate. This inn is GORG.

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 I want to stay here

 

The foursome gather at a hung over Noelle’s bedside

 

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Cow Klatch

to have a little gossip session about how GASP::: Caprice didn’t come back to the hotel, and even stranger, went home early with Annabelle and Julie!

 

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What What WHAAAAT?!??

Everyone is shocked that she isn’t traveling back with them. “It’s probably got something to do with me,” Caroline says. Yes, very astute of you. For once I think it IS about you. Juliet has a bout of complete denial/amnesia as she complains that since moving to London she’s never seen people who claim to be friends talk more crap about one another behind their back.

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“I’ve never seen women talk more crap about each other! Except for in every female friend group ever formed!!”

Caroline says it’s “very British”. And Juliet seems to believe that you would never get away with doing that in America. Are these morons for real? My dears. EVERYONE talks crap behind each other’s backs. If you own a fanny (Caroline was on WWHL with Bobblehead Andy Cohen and stumped Heather Dubrow on the definition) or a willy and you like other willies, that is what you DO. No gathering of girlfriends or queens is immune! Noelle can’t quite believe it either, or else this is just her default facial expression:

 

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Catching Flies

Caroline seems to think that it’s putting Caprice’s nose out of joint that she is befriending the Americans and Juliet thinks that there is becoming a Brit vs American rivalry. Which is really stupid, because

a) Caroline IS British
b) Caprice is not
c) Caprice is also hanging around with Julie more, and she’s American
d) Annabelle seems to be in with Caprice and Julie and SHE’S British.

Other than that, it’s a perfectly sensible way to describe this budding feud. Marissa, in a fit of rationality, suggests that they should all keep in mind that Caprice is seven months’ pregnant, and is probably exhausted.

 

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You are making sense. Go away. Reality TV is not for you. Oh. Wait. Never mind. You make up for it later.

She continues that Caprice is also hormonal, and Juliet interrupts her to bitchily say “She’s lovely, she’s wonderful and can do no wrong.” Which… WHAT? Marissa was only trying to be logical. But logic doesn’t go over well with miss drama. Marissa’s face mirrors mine at that.

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Um. What?

Juliet meanwhile accuses Marissa of sugar coating the situation, all the while staring at Caroline like she’s a middle-aged Gretchen Wieners.

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“Caroline (*NOT* Caprice) is SO fetch.”

Marissa understands then that Juliet is still pissed off at Caprice for taking Annabelle’s side during Knickergate. We flash back to the argument in the limo between Caprice and Juliet. Okay. Was it a little rude of Caprice to not alert her traveling posse that she would be going back early without them? Undoubtedly. Could she have reasons that are her own business? Yes.
Noelle reiterates Marissa’s point that Caprice has said her hormones are all whacked out (and apparently, her appetite; is that biyatch ever not hungry??), and Juliet brags that she was “the nicest person” when she was pregnant. “Oh really? I wish I had known you then.” Marissa passively-aggressively responds. OH please. That’s why I’ll never 100% like little miss perfect-pants. She’s a twat masquerading as a nicey-nice person.

Caroline looks momentarily uncomfortable at Marissa’s snippy remark and then suggests that they all convene at a pub to help get over their hangovers. Noelle mentions drinking “Rose in the sun” and everyone (including Miss Kitty, who got an immediate nauseating migraine at the thought of something so gross when already hung over) groans.

The fates are kind this week, because we get an Annabelle scene early. She’s on her way to the riding stable to put in time on one of the thoroughbreds she’ll be riding in the charity race.

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I feel a sense of dread… Foreshadowing:: Foreshadowing

Annabelle’s trainer brings out the horse she’ll be riding today, Mr. Fickle. Annabelle jokes that “Mr. Fickle” is an apt horse for her to be riding; I assume it’s because Alexander McQueen was sometimes like that.

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Hi Mr. Fickle! Um. You look a little spastic

Annabelle endears me further for life when she lays a big smack onto Mr. Fickle’s face. I kiss my Arabian constantly the same way, so I relate to this behavior.

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::kiss::!

Annabelle’s trainer wraps Mr. Fickle’s legs in purple, while Mr. Fickle paws at the ground impatiently. Okay, any of you not interested in horse-talk please skip this paragraph… I’ll wait… Okay, those of you left? High-strung Thoroughbreds who exhibit this kind of fidgety behavior scare the shit out of me. I spent 8 months with Ruby, my mare, doing JUST ground work with Natural Horsemanship Training to teach her respect and patience. With the two hot-blooded breeds (Arabians and Thoroughbreds) that are ready to lose their ever-loving minds in an instant and react, it’s really important to work on manners and communication on the GROUND before ever getting up in the saddle. As Ruby’s trainer told me when I first met Ruby: “You can saddle her up and get on her right now and ride. But she won’t care about you.” It REALLY struck home. My point is, seeing Mr. Fickle’s behavior in this scene, there is no way in hell I’d get up on him, much less turn him loose in a gallop. Annabelle finds out that even professional jockeys have a hard time sitting on the horse when it’s being led to the starting gate. Any of you who have ever watched a horse race can see this. The horses get really excited and agitated for various reasons: some are anticipating the run. Some are stressed, going to a confined space next to horses they don’t know. Some just don’t like the gate in general.

Annabelle gets a leg up and says she’s a bundle of nerves. She interviews that she isn’t someone who warms up to people right away, and we flash back to her rehashing of Knickergate with Juliet. After a brief trot warm up, she takes Mr. Fickle on a gallop.

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Great form, Annabelle! Keep those heels down!

Ya’ll, it’s HARD as hell to keep your position while a horse gallops over bumpy terrain. One loss of position or bad shift, and you throw not only yourself, but oftentimes the horse off-balance, which can be disastrous. And Mr. Fickle is BOOKING.

Annabelle interviews that she finds children and animals more reliable than “human beings”. Hahaha I think she means “adult people” since children are presumably human beings, but okay. I agree with that sentiment—I’m not a big kid fan, but I do appreciate their honesty.

Meanwhile, at Acorn, a really lovely pub, the ladies (and Luke the honorary girlfriend) gather for a nice post-hangover brunch. Noelle pops open the “champs”—UGH. Heather Dubrowism that is so obnoxious—and Luke stirs the pot, as the obligatory gay BFF is contractually forced to do, by asking where Caprice is. When told she left early with Annabelle and Julie, he earns his Cedr-eck by enquiring, “Why?” Juliet jumps in and says that it’s because Caprice is tired and pregnant. Noelle awesomely calls her out “Juliet that is NOT what you said five minutes ago when we were all sitting in bed having a cuddle.”

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Hahaha “Pay no attention to that bus, Juliet! Woops.”
LOVE.

Marissa stares at Juliet in outrage, because… Because… I have no fucking idea. Maybe she sees her as trying to steal her tepid, Pollyanna, un-thunder? Maybe she thinks she’s being insincere? It could be that Juliet maybe learned to be better behaved, based on your example, and doesn’t want to gossip about Caprice, aka, is trying to take the high road, you crazy bim.

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“[HISS] Being nice is MY role, you fat bitch!”

Then, continuing the incoherent anger, Marissa refuses to toast Juliet.

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“I can’t toast. I CAN’T!”

Marissa then starts to CRY, getting up and accidentally pushing over her chair. Luke is similarly subdued, and subtle, yelling “Oh my God!” hahahahaha.

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“Has the apocalypse started?!!?”

Noelle gets up to chase after Marissa, while the rest of the table looks like something out of a Telenovela.

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“AY DIOS MIO!”

Marissa is bawling and complains to Noelle that her curse is that she’s too empathetic (Hahahahaha) and that she’s so angry with Juliet. Noelle nods and just lets her rant, which is smart, because no one could make sense of this idiot right now. Noelle throws some shade at Juliet by saying that Juliet is incapable of understanding that someone can be nice and well-intentioned. Juliet meanwhile is whining to Caroline that she thinks that although it’s nice that Marissa always plays devil’s advocate, it’s not realistic. I know EXACTLY what has happened. Juliet was expecting Marissa to talk shit about Caprice on her behalf, and it didn’t happen. Women do this insane shit ALL THE TIME. You’re somehow disloyal if you don’t trash the friend your better friend is trashing. It’s hilarious. And we’ve all done it. YES. ALL OF US. Caroline goes out sighing, seeing if she can pull Noelle and Marissa back to the table. When Caroline comes out, Marissa starts sobbing anew, and Caroline is sincerely baffled, telling her “I don’t do cuddles.” Hahahahaha. Caroline in this whole scene is brilliant. Two seconds after seeing that Caroline isn’t going to enfold her into an argument-affirming hug, Marissa’s eyes miraculously dry and she pleads her case. As if Caroline gives a rat’s ass. Marissa deigns to come back to the table, and then explains to Juliet that she felt “personally attacked” (EYE::ROLL). Juliet starts trying to explain her side, and then SHE bursts into tears, and both women are then blubbering like a pair of mental cases.

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Oh yes. This is a PERFECTLY normal conversation to be having about NOTHING, said no one ever

Caroline awesomely interviews that she has no earthly idea why two grown women have gone absolutely in hysterics. “… over breakfast. And champagne.” Hahahaha. HILAR!

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Preach!

Noelle confirms that Juliet now is vying for mayor of Attention Whore City, saying that the argument could have been over in two minutes. But Juliet can’t stand not being the center of the drama for a single second, so it makes sense that she ran into the bathroom, having a tantrum like the brat at the birthday party who didn’t win every game.

Juliet says in her talking head that she has to “speak her truth”, I guess not understanding that other people’s truth MAY not match hers one hundred percent of the time.

This episode has been blissfully Caprice-free except talking about her, and I’m almost happy until…

 

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Aw EFF

We have to endure a scene of Noelle and Scotttt moving into their new flat. Noelle asks if he’ll carry her over the threshold, but he says he’ll have to wait and do that when they’re married. Scotttt breaks out some champagne. Does anyone else wonder if the current Mrs. Scottttt watches this show while methodically cleaning a shotgun with a rag, muttering and drinking? Noelle is wearing a skirt so short the pockets stick out and her bra straps are showing. Again, I love how unabashedly this ho embraces being a trashbox. She is undoubtedly the best-looking woman Scottttt has nabbed in his life; she’s alluring in kind of a cheap way.

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Audrey Hepburn, is that YOU?!

Next Noelle decides to call Caprice on a bed strewn with unpacked clothes. Hahaha.

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Meeting of the non-minds

Noelle spills the beans about how the other ladies were pissed at Caprice for leaving early, and Caprice is dumbfounded. Caprice talks about being really tired with her pregnancy and Noelle briskly changes the subject to kiss Caprice’s ass about her lingerie line and about her charity event. Noelle informs us yet again that she views Caprice as a mentor. Noelle next clodhops down the hall like a field hand, announcing that she needs a foot massage and a back massage and champagne.

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Don’t lie to us! You do ballet in your spare time, right? {{silence}}

Marissa is next to send us all to see the sandman, prancing around her house getting ready to become a British citizen. Matt, her husband of the husky sexy voice, is there to accompany her, and it’s actually sweet how excited they both are. Sweet and boring, like Werther’s Originals. I can tell it’s going to be an annoying occasion that Marissa is too dramatic about, because she’s doing her Pork Chopsch and Appleschausche face during her talking head.

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“I’m getting my schitischenschip… and appleschausche.”

Post citizenship ceremony (woo! Try to say THAT one five times fast. Now try it after a few cocktails), Marissa and Matt go to Claridge’s Hotel to celebrate. Matt pours her champagne and says he wants to give her something to always remember the day she became a Brit.

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Lucky bitch

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Next time you start copiously weeping with self-pity about someone calling you “too nice” I want you to put your tongue in the box and snap it shut repeatedly, k? And then STFU.

Marissa next bores tells Matt about the Mapperton trip and the fight with Juliet.

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“I find this RIVETING.”

Do husbands get a percentage of royalties for appearing in these scenes on Bravo? I think that to myself every time I see a Bravo husband sit and squirm having to pretend to be interested about the latest catfight his twat wife got into.

 

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Well, most of them anyway

Marissa warns Juliet that she better be careful, and that London is a “small town with a big name.” Yee Gods.

Next we head over to Caroline’s “office”. I don’t know if Bravo is doing this, or if Caroline is allowing it in an ironic way, but every time they show a scene from her “office”, there’s some kind of seething anger played out on her face.

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“WE. LOVE. YOU. BOSS.”

Juliet comes to Caroline’s office, remarking that the “Be Nice” neon sign is not exactly appropriate. Caroline shows her some outrageously expensive jewelry, and they both try it on and drool. Caroline tries again to impart to Juliet that She. does.not.know.when.to.stop while Juliet giggles. Caroline tells her that she’s like a dog with a bone, and that she is mostly right in her point, but she just keeps going, even if someone has agreed with her. Caroline tries to school her in the British way of not making a scene, and then for some mysterious reason, wants to click her heels a la Wizard of Oz over to Noelle’s charity even, but ends up doing the chicken dance with her arms instead. Haha.

It’s the day of Noelle’s charity, Chasing Zero, a charity that helps vaccinate HIV-positive women so that their babies won’t get infected (awesome charity). Poor Noelle needs a stylist, however:

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Dorothy, Rose, Sophia AND Blanche called and would like you to give them their dress back. Thanks.

One by one, everyone arrives. I’m skipping over a boring conversation Caprice and Julie have on the way that is LITERALLY about the weather. You’re welcome.

Come to think of it, Julie could really use a stylist too:

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Your unsupported breasts called. They wish you had not forsaken them.

That dress is FUG. Julie tells Noelle that Caprice needs… wait for it… FOOD. Caprice also isn’t “in the mood” for Caroline. From the looks of it, the feeling is mutual.

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[Gritted teeth] “We’re SUCH good friends.”

Marissa talks to Annabelle about the riding. “I’m really nervous for you.” Marissa jinxes, I mean, tells her.

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“Annabelle, make sure you don’t get hurt later in the show!”

Juliet comes up in an absolute HORROR of a dress and calls Marissa to meet on the street and “talk”, since that’s always gone really well for Juliet. Sigh.

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“Can you come talk to me? Bring some laundry so I can scrub it on my dress.”

I mean, it’s ALMOST pretty. I love the color, but my God the bows. The bows.

Marissa comes out and gives her a long awkward melodramatic Danielle Staub-esque hug wearing a flowered blouse with we now see a clashing purse and a fluffy ostrich feather skirt (she is wearing cute shoes though).

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That’s IT. I give up!

She chastises Juliet yet AGAIN for the fight and how hurtful it was to her. Good lord. Someone needs to ask how long Miss Sensitive would need in order to compose herself after someone called her a boring, nasal-voiced, self-satisfied cunt-shed.
They make up after Juliet practically kisses the hem of Marissa’s ugly skirt for Christ sakes, and merrily go back into the party hand-in-hand. UGH.
Noelle is sitting with Caroline, who congratulates her on the work she did for the charity. Caroline brags about her charity and how she doesn’t even put on events; she just emails people a list of items. Noelle cannily says she doesn’t want to get on Caroline’s bad side. Practically in the middle of their conversation, Caprice grabs Noelle by the arm like she’s a toddler that ran away, and they sit down together. Well. Noelle sits, Caprice collapses. Again.

 

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Someone keeps dropping this tranny mannequin from the roof

Caprice asks Noelle if she was mad that Caprice left early. Noelle says no, and confesses that it was Marissa that pointed out that she was pregnant, thus setting up Juliet and Caroline vs. Everyone else. Well, that will last until Juliet cracks when she doesn’t get a candy cane and starts comparing Caroline to Julius Caesar.

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Juliet as soon as Caroline dumps her

Caroline understands meanwhile that Noelle wants to be friends with both Caprice and her, but she ominously says that sometimes in life you have to make a choice. Uh OH. The dreaded picking of which team you’re on!
We’re back to Noelle and Scotttt’s flat to watch them decorate. Boring, right? WRONG. We see the seedlings being planted of “BABY SHOWER-GATE” as Marissa asks Noelle to help with Caprice’s baby shower at Bumpkin (her and Matt’s restaurant). What?

Noelle agrees and then meets Caroline at Roberto Cavalli, wearing a typically elegant Noelle outfit.

 

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FACE:PALM. Noelle. Cookie. HIRE A STYLIST

Noelle can never get her sartorial choices right around Caroline and All-Fruits about the leopard she’s wearing. “You look like a poor man’s Cavalli” Caroline informs her. Hahaha. Noelle says thank you and calls her a bitch, causing Caroline to crack up. Forget Juliet and Caroline. I really think that Caroline and Noelle would make a good match as friends, personally. Both are transparent tackpots, and Scottt already looks like he wants to clean the bottoms of Caroline’s shoes with his ass-tongue.
THEN we find out the juicy gossip! Caroline was going to host Caprice’s baby shower at her house. Apparently, according to Caroline, Caprice asked her to host it. Then Caprice didn’t want all her friends to have to travel to Surrey, aka, East Bumfuck and suggested a restaurant instead (rude). Now, she is asking Marissa and Noelle to host the baby shower at Marissa and Matt’s restaurant (ruder). Ohhhh this is getting GOOD! Not only is Caprice saying a big FU to Caroline, but now Noelle is smack dab in the middle of the two of them. Juliet, like a good Mean Girl, says how inappropriate it all is while Noelle tries on a dress. Noelle comes out looking (for her) very classy, and Caroline says she looks more elegant. Juliet tells her now she doesn’t look like a “two-bit ho”. WHOA… What the F? SO rude! That’s MY job! Noelle looks aghast that Juliet says that and then Caroline calls her a “streetwalker”. Noelle shoots daggers and tells Caroline to “watch it” and that she has her number. Oooo. She looks PISSED. Okay maybe there won’t be a Noelle- Caroline alliance anytime soon. That was totally mean. Juliet sucks Caroline’s anus some more by making fun of Noelle one last time. Just wait Juliet. Caroline will drop you like yesterday’s trash as soon as you bore her.

Next we get to the most horrible scene… Annabelle is back at the track practicing on Mr. Fickle again.

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Don’t do it Annabelle! DUN dun… DUN dun… dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun!!!

I notice (sorry more horse stuff) that this time, Mr. Fickle is being CLEARLY disrespectful—rubbing hard on Annabelle with his head, being pushy, not respecting her space. This does NOT bode well. The trainer gives the advice that if the horse acts up you don’t panic (true) but you don’t fight him, and simply deal with it later. That is very old-school and very DANGEROUS advice. The idea is that you work out things with groundwork before they become a problem, which takes a lot of practice and patience. Annabelle is shown galloping on Mr. Fickle, and she seems to be going well, but apparently (and we don’t see what happens), something goes wrong. Frankly, given the non-structured rather unkempt track that horse is galloping on, mixed with his mood that day, I’m not wholly surprised.

The next scene is Julie coming to visit an obviously in tremendous pain, very upset Annabelle!

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Poor Annabelle :(

Julie helps Annabelle shift on the couch, coaching her the whole time to “breathe” and “let it out” and “breathe through it” and “push onto” her (it’s kind of annoying).

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Sh. Stop talking now.

We find out that Mr. Fickle veered right suddenly at 45 miles an hour, Annabelle came off, and HOMEGIRL BROKE HER MOTHERFUCKING PELVIS. Ow ow ow! Holy shit! Annabelle says she can’t walk, or get up, or wash, or go to the loo. Of all the ladies on this show who should be bawling crying, it should be her.

Hey, bitches of London? Let’s contrast, shall we?

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“You misunderstand me! Boo hoo hoo!! But *I* feel misunderstood too! Beebeebee!!”

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“Yeah? Aw. That’s a shame. By the way—I broke my motherfucking pelvis.”

Annabelle: Miss Kitty rests her case. You are hard core. And a trooper. Hope your recovery went well. ::Ginger pat-pat-pat hugs::
Next week the Caprice/Caroline war continues, as Noelle is pulled like a whorish Stretch Armstrong, Caroline has a condescending etiquette dinner for Juliet and whines to the chick who BROKE HER MOTHERFUCKING PELVIS and can’t walk or piss by herself about how awful Caprice is. Really??

 

So what did you think? Who was right in the Marissa/Juliet crypalooza? Are you team One Brit-One American/Swiss hooker or team Three Americans-One Brit/Swiss prostitute? Anyone ever broken your pelvis? I imagine it reallllly hurts.
Until then,
Toodles.

Miss Kitty

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