Big Brother 16 Recap: Why are you telling the truth?

Hey hey, kids. Welcome back to Big Brother. It’s PoV night, which is only marginally exciting, but Devin is HoH, and he’s a great big bag of nuts, so maybe we’ll get some excitement after all.

bb162hohkeyGet hype!

So Devin is apparently convinced that PooPoo threw the BoB comp like he told her to, but from what I saw PooPoo tried to win but was so bad at everything that no one could tell the difference. Brittany is worried because she’s Devin’s target, but Devin is such a whack job that by tomorrow he’ll probably decide to target the houseplants.

bb162puppetI don’t like the way that fern is eyeballing me…

The bro squad is meeting up without Devin to discuss how much they hate him and want him gone. They don’t want to evict Brittany just because she wasn’t licking Devin’s ass, and hearing Zack in his pink towel talk about “backdooring” Devin next week makes me giggle, even though I thought all these years watching BB made me immune to finding that phrase hilarious.

bb162backdoor

Outside, Devin is chewing his own face off (meth will do that to you) and freaking out about Caleb liking Amber, cause it could be detrimental to the Bro Squad (which she’s a part of, because of Devin) because Caleb likes her too much. Amber says that Devin is shitty to her and won’t let the womenz speak in his presence. Caleb calls Amber his queen, and it’s SUPER creepy, and then he says he’ll defend the womenz against the big scary ‘roid rage man.

bb162calebWho watches the Watchmen, Caleb???

Later, during a rousing game of backyard pool, Caleb and Derrick decide to tell Devin that he’s making bad decisions and scaring all the ladies. Devin doesn’t take it well, blames Amber (cause it’s gotta be a woman’s fault), and gets all meth-ragey. He runs off in a tiff to head up to the HoH room and talk to himself like a total crazy person. Does he not realize cameras are on him??? Is the BB house seriously stocking Meth in the storerooms? I’m curious.

bb162crazypersonIf he starts talking about chemtrails I’m done!

After some pacing and arguing with the voices in his head, Devin runs back downstairs and confronts Caleb. He says there’s no more alliance, it’s all over, and he doesn’t care. Caleb handles it pretty well, and just tells him okay.

bb162brokeupEpic BROke-up

Time to reveal the second member of Team America! And the third! Guess they realized they should do this quick before the whole team got voted off. In case anyone gives a shit, Team America is Donny, Frankie, and Derrick. They have to do secret missions and for each one they complete they win $5k. Nice. Totally worth it. They give each member code words to recognize each other at the weight bench (bald eagles and apple pie). Derrick figures it out pretty quickly, putting his undercover cop “get someone else to say the thing you need to incriminate them” skills to work.

bb162abracadabraYo Abracadabra, B!

Veto comp time! The extra players are Zack, Derrick, and Amber. Devin is worried about whether the Bro Squad will stay loyal. Umm… The Squad you just broke up for no reason and said was over and done with? That squad?

bb162vetosIt’s almost like my actions have consequences

Caleb decides to mend fences with Captain Crazy Pants. He goes and apologizes, but Devin cannot accept that he’s scary and weird. Caleb is still trying to convince Mr Meth not to evict Brittany, and lets slip that everyone in the house wants Devin gone. What’s the best way to respond to this information? A house meeting! Those always go super well.

bb162housemeetingWelcome to the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club. What’s the hi-sign?

The Bro Squad gathers and Devin dictates what he wants done, while telling everyone it’s not a dictatorship. He asks who everyone else wants gone, and most of the squad is dead silent. Zack pipes up that he wants PooPoo gone, but no one else backs him up. Devin asks who wanted him gone, but no one is stupid enough to fess up to that shit. After everyone else leaves, Zack admits to Devin that he said he wanted him out, but he didn’t mean it. Zack is a fucking idiot.

bb162zackCan’t even put on a baseball cap correctly…

Hey America! You can vote on what bullshit high school drama you want Team America to stir up! Text 1 to have Team America give a random HG the clap. Text 2 to have Team America fake a pregnancy to trap its boyfriend in a marriage. Phonelines are open now!

All right! Let’s do this veto shit! As they’re getting ready for the comp, Devin tells PooPoo that if he wins he’ll use the veto on her. Zack hears and is not amused.

The veto comp is the giant baby mobile comp from last year, but with planets and a space theme. The planets are all named after BB legends, and Devin is hoping they name a planet after him some day. I dunno, man… The planet Bipolar? The planet Don’tmixroidswithmeth?

bb162spaceballsThe rings around Undiagnosedschizophrenia are lovely tonight. 

Everyone sucks at this game, but PooPoo keeps getting smacked in the face, so it’s not all bad. BarristaGlasses gets quote of the night with, “Pao can’t do anything! She can’t sit, can’t stand, she can’t spell, she can’t hang things, hold balls…” Ha!

bb162poopooShe sure can take a rod to the face like a pro though

In the end, the power of roidcaine (that’s lines of roids mixed with coke) prove to be the power you need to levitate the universe and hit your Dollar Store Tap Light first. Devin takes it, and everyone’s face is like:

tumblr_m8axssFrPc1r9shtzo1_250

Devin tells PooPoo he’ll use the veto on her, but she says she doesn’t trust him because he’s kind of the devil. Now that Devin has ultimate supreme power, Zack decides to kiss some ass. Devin asks him who he’ll vote out between the two girls, and Zack is awfully twitchy. I don’t know if it’s nerves or if maybe the reason Devin is actually pissed at him is because he got into his meth stores.

bb162tweakBro, I was saving that 8-ball for the morning!

Zack goes to Frankie and tells him Devin is pissed at him for being honest. Frankie says no shit, this is BB, you’re supposed to lie you fucking idiot! I don’t like Frankie, but how is he the only one who seems to know this? Zack is boned, and he knows he’s boned.

bb162datruthMaybe if I go tell him we all think he’s a bad father?

Brittany decides to give the ass-kissing thing a shot, since Devin seems to enjoy that. She plays the single parent card and tells Devin that one of them has to win because they’re doing it for their progeny! You know what your kids would probably prefer? You guys not making total asses of yourselves on television. You’re going to spend all that BB cash on bail and abortions for your kids down the road, yo.

bb162dictatorYour daughter is going to make her living with a Def Leppard song and a pole, dude. 

Devin and Brittany make a deal, and Brittany says she feels like she just made a deal with the devil, which makes that twice tonight that someone has referred to Devin as the dark lord. Devin then tells Brit that PooPoo threw the comp, cause he’s super loyal, clearly.

urlDevin’s spirit animal

Not satisfied with the amount of groveling he got out of Brittany, Devin decides to see how much of his ass he can get kissed by Zack. Zack says if he wants to put him up then put him up, but he’s done talking about this shit. Devin claims he’d never even considered it, but now he might. And you know what? He might. Cause he’s fucking crazy.

bb162brosWake up, bro! I need a lot of attention.

Time for the PoV ceremony, and I seriously have no fucking idea what Devin is going to do. He’s a total crazy person making total crazy person decisions, and while I hate him, he certainly keeps this shit from getting boring. The “Please save me” speeches are extra terrible. PooPoo literally just poses like she’s on a runway, and Brittany says she’s not a threat and PooPoo is a backstabber. Devin decides to use the Veto on… Brittany! Ha! And Zack goes up as a replacement! Goddamn! Could Devin possibly be any worse (or more entertaining) at this game?

bb162devinI’ve turned the whole house against me, cried like a bitch, and retained my sense of smug superiority…

So that’s it kids. Brittany wants to say something, but they’re making it all dramatic and we won’t see it til tomorrow.

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