Sister Wives Recap: Don’t Even Try to Understand

founding-fathersNo, Tom Jefferson, you are NOT putting “life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and as many wives as possible” in the Declaration!

Howdy, Trashmii!  Let’s get right into our ep, “Four Wives in Two RVs”.  Spoiler alert:  it’s a lie, there’s also a van.

We open with the Browns getting ready to make their road trip to Springfield, MO.  Kody says the kids reacted positively when he announced the trip.  The little kids, sure.  They don’t know any better.  The teens have been through this before, and are a tad less enthusiastic.  Kody complains it’s hard for him to pack because his “stuff” is spread out among 4 homes.  Ew!  Oh, that’s not a euphemism?  Well then, how’s about keeping an inventory?  Oh, what am I saying?  That’s just crazy talk.

Before they leave, Kody feels it’s imperative there be an MSWC business meeting, which Christine doesn’t attend.  This isn’t so much a business meeting as a bitch session.  Turns out Stan had said they’d be funded in 4-6 weeks, and it’s now 8 weeks.  Kody says Stan’s group doesn’t have the money to hand to them.  Probably because they can’t get any investors interested in this thrilling business opportunity.  Robyn says perhaps they should go to another VC firm.  None of them seem to realize if MSWC was seen as viable, they’d already have the money in hand.  Sure, go ahead and make your super amateurish pitch somewhere else!  I’d love to see that.

Back to trip planning.  Kody pretends he learned lessons from the Nauvoo trip, and we see a montage of his uber-bitchiness on that trip.  He thinks the answer is to make more “fun stops”.  I think the answer is to not take this trip.

We see the RVs, and although they’re a decent size, why are there not 3 of them, instead of the van?  Wouldn’t it – oh, the hell with  it.

Kody informs the wives they’re going to be “hard out at 9″ the next day.  HAHAHAHAH  Has any Brown, ever, been “hard out” at any specified time?  Then we see scenes of the wives packing what looks like every item of food they own, into the RVs.  It’s only a 4-day trip, and I’m pretty sure there are supermarkets in Springfield for the return trip.  But no, they’re packing like they’re going on an old-timey cross-country wagon train expedition.  With Pringles.

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 20.51.16This trip brought to you by Frito-Lay.

Commercial.

We “meet” Mindy, who is described as “Kody and Robyn’s niece”.  So wouldn’t that make her Robyn’s niece, since Kody and Robyn aren’t related?  Anyhoo, Mindy is going to drive the van.  We see her a few times in the ep, and she never speaks.  Is she a mime?  Mindy doesn’t look all that old, either.  I wonder if she has enough driving experience to go 1400 miles cross-country.  Of course, Safety is Job Last over at the Brown compound.

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 21.02.06Is she really an extra just working for her SAG-AFTRA card?

It’s 8 AM, and the QM is ready to go.  Well, whoop de doo.  In interview, Kody and Christine talk about the older (college) kids not going, and that’s a shame because they’re a “great resource” indentured servants.  Kody says the attitudes of the teens can make or break the trip.  How’s about modeling that attitude for them then, Mr. Cranky?  Instead, we see Kody telling Garrison that Kody is the general and Garrison is the sergeant, so Garrison has to do what Kody says.  Kody, under no circumstances do you ever answer a want ad for “Inspirational Speaker”, okay?

It’s now 25 minutes to go, and Christine is not ready.  Now we see Kody yelling it’s “potty stop” time, and they’re leaving in 5 minutes.  He then tells us “of course they’re [the sister wives] stressed.  They have to travel with each other”.   So much for the joys of polygamy!  Then we see Kody bitching at the kids, QM saying hey, it’s “only” 9:40, and Christine moaning because without the college-age teens, she apparently can’t control her own children.

Commercial.

Day 1.  Robyn says they have to go 348 miles that day.  Their first “fun stop” is going to be a street corner in Winslow, Arizona.  Kody says he and Janelle like the Eagles, and there’s a reference to Winslow in the song Take It Easy.  Kody starts to quote the lyrics.  I’m sure you remember them:  “I’ve got 7 women on my mind.  4 that want to own me, 2 that want to stone me, one says she’s a friend of mine”.  He says he has 14 women on his mind and when the wives protest, says he means his wives and daughters.  Sure . . .  Christine asks who wants to own him and stone him.  Well, let’s see: QM = own, Robyn = own, Janelle = stone, Christine = probably stone (depends on her mood).

Of course, Kody doesn’t quote the entire lyric:

Well, I’m a standing on a corner
in Winslow, Arizona
and such a fine sight to see
It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me

Who else thinks he was really hoping some cute blonde chick guy would drive by and honk?

imagesFYI, Browns:  you are all just prisoners here of your own desire.

So the Browns pull into town to see the corner.  Wow, that’s compelling TV.  If you don’t watch the show, let me describe the corner.  There’s asphalt and concrete.  You know, like every street corner in the world.  Photo op!

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 21.05.28SO worth the detour!

Then they go across the street to the Arizona Trading Company.  It’s not clear if the owner, Tom, knew them ahead of time, or what.  Apparently he’s all in support of the Browns and sees polygamy as a first amendment issue.  Kody blathers on about the Browns “owning” their relationship “in every way”.  I really have no idea what he’s talking about, and I doubt he does, either.

Nighttime now, and Kody tells us he’s delegated some responsibility to the older boys.  He’s showing them how to hook up the sewer systems in the RV park.  Remember that.

Just like on every other trip, the QM and Princess Robyn get to stay in a hotel, while Janelle and Christine get to sleep in the RVs with the 1000 kids.  Nice.  Kody tells us they need to drive 406 miles the next day.

Commercial.

Day 2.  Kody is eating with QM and a couple of the kids in what appears to be a restaurant.  Meanwhile, back at the trailer park, Christine tells us it’s Truely’s birthday. They’re going to stop at the Route 66 diner (or a diner on Route 66, not sure) to have a party.  So the people who filled the RVs with food are going to eat out.  That’s sensible!  They get a private room at the diner and have the party, including a cake they must have made, cause it’s really amateurish.  Then the adults laugh because the diner has to clean up all the mess.  Who else thinks they didn’t tip?

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 21.11.3130 people in this family and no one can bake a proper cake?

Nighttime again.  Kody says it’s 30 degrees, windy, and snow is coming in.  None of them bothered to check the weather, or pack appropriate clothes.  Cause they don’t seem to realize that ut’s still spring, and it’s not the desert.  Robyn opens an RV door and screams like she’s being murdered.  Kody has to tell her to shut up, and we hear Robyn saying she doesn’t like snow.  Is there anything this chick does like, apart from King Kody?  QM comes out and complains because she’s wearing sandals.  That’s sensible for walking around a strange place, outdoors, in the dark.  Idiot.

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 20.47.44Oh, the humanity!

Meanwhile, Kody is setting up the sewage lines and doesn’t do it properly.  Sewage goes all over, including all over him.  He angrily blames the kids, but Hunter says they set the connections properly that morning.  It’s also clear that the problem wasn’t with the work the kids did, the sewage only spews out when Kody tries to hook up the connection, not when he initially takes the caps off the connectors (what the boys did that morning).  Count on Kody to blame children instead of just, oh, doing it right himself and taking responsibility when he screws up.  What a piece of — oh, wait, he literally is one now!

Commercial.

It’s the next morning, and there’s snow and ice.  QM tells us they have to go 370 miles today.  They “got in late” last night and left at 9.  That’s a miracle!  What “fun stop” are they making today?  The Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo.  Again, do they not have food in the RVs?

The Ranch has a promotion, that if you eat a 72 ounce steak plus sides in an hour, you get it for free.  Otherwise, it’s $72.  Since Kody constantly has to prove his (alleged) manhood, he’s in for the contest, as are Hunter, Garrison, Dayton, and, surprisingly, Madison.  The contestants have to be on a stage next to a time clock.  They need to eat 4 1/2 pounds of beef, a baked potato, shrimp and salad.

Garrison is out after about a half hour.  Kody looks like he’s going to throw up.  Madison is out.  Kody is out.  Hunter is out.  Dayton is still eating when the buzzer goes off.

This means, of course, they have to pony up $360 plus the cost of whatever food the rest of the family ate – if they ate, we actually don’t see anyone else eating.  So economical.  I really hope Stan’s group is watching.  This is what your quarter million will go for!

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 20.39.59My parents took me to Big Texan and all I got was this lousy taxidermy.

Ahead of all this, Kody and Janelle exercise.  Or rather, she works out on a treadmill, and he just seems to be making he-man poses.  Sure, 15 minutes of “exercise” will make up for a 72-oz hunk of beef. . .

Back to the RVs, and the Browns don’t get into the RV park until 1:30 AM.  Of course.

Commercial.

The family is at Twin Fountain RV Park, and is – shocker – late getting out.  They circle for family prayer, and Ysabel is fooling around. Garrison calls her stupid, and Kody yells at Garrison.  In interview, Hunter says Garrison was stupid, and Garrison angrily says they were an hour late.  Hunter says they’re usually 2-3 hours late, and they just have to get used to it.  That’s what the Brown family does, the older the kids get, the more resigned they are to the total disorganization and dysfunction.  Sad.

Then Garrison is made to apologize, and we hear that Christine couldn’t ask him to apologize because he’s Janelle’s son.  So they’re sister wives but only parent their own kids?  Whut?

The Browns get on the road at noon.  Are you freaking kidding me?  Then at 2 they stop to eat, and spend time sliding down a hill on paper plates.  Sure.  You’re massively late, the kids are upset about that, so you stop and mess around for a couple of hours.  When are they getting into Springfield, 3 AM?

Screen Shot 2014-07-07 at 21.33.54Fosse!

Hey, they’re back on the road again, with 100 miles to go.  We end with the adults saying how apprehensive they are about meeting the other family.  I can’t but think the other family is feeling the exact same way, especially if they’ve ever seen this show!

That’s it for this ep!  Join me next week as we finally get to meet the Richards, and see if they’re just as big a mess as the Browns.  Come on back and find out, won’t you?

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